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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Someplace Nice and Dark Moderators: bert
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  Author    Someplace Nice and Dark  (currently 16290 views)
Andy Petrou
Posted: July 14th, 2005, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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Bert, absolutely brilliant hon, I loved it. I read it before work today and was totally creeped out by it, really. I do believe this to be truly original and although it's only 8 pages long, I think it's fitting to the story as it's so well told.

I thought your description was right on the money and totally made it easy to visualise and it set the mood well. Your characters were very well written too. I can't really find any flaws here to be honest, you did such a great job.

I would love to see this filmed! You've managed to turn a simple concept of one's shadow into a really creepy little tale. I was sad that it ended so soon actually. Could have lost myself in it for a while longer, but wouldn't want you to flesh it out just for length, it's perfect the way it is.

Well done  

Revision History (1 edits)
Andy Petrou  -  July 14th, 2005, 3:01am
can't spell!
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Nixon
Posted: July 19th, 2005, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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This is great, a real original idea and I loved it. One question, what was your inspiration for the boy’s name? The Car? A baby mustang? Anyway, really good.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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CurseScripts
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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I had a very 'even' opinion on this screenplay.

The dialouge - personally, I thought was great.

The storyline was kinda weird - and I found some of the ACTION kinda hard to understand.

The old guy just creeped me out!

Good and Bad nevertheless! 3/4


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Andy Petrou  -  July 22nd, 2005, 1:30pm
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greg
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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You gave this a lower rating than "I've Come For You"?  What in the name of Kevin Revie is going on here?


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bert
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Ha!  Thanks for that, Greg.

Hey Curse, your opinion is as valid as the next guy's, and that's cool -- but you have me curious about "the action that was hard to understand."  We're all about trying to improve here, you know?

If you could give me some specifics on where I lost you, as a reader, it might help me to prevent doing it again.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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CurseScripts
Posted: July 23rd, 2005, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Bert.. Sure, let me just find it!

Um...........

1. Pinto stares at the door.  It is the revolving type, like the kind photographers use for their darkrooms.  It looks pretty weird attached to this trailer. (This might sound kind of dumb...But I didn't know what kind of door you meant!)

2. Pinto takes it and does.  He coughs a bit, but he can smoke.  He returns the old man’s butt.  [What do you mean 'the old man's butt'?]

3. The old man takes another long drag. [Do you mean as in smoking from the cigarette?]

4. The old man’s laughter echoes in Pinto’s ears as he peers at the shadow of his bicycle.

Just his bicycle.  With no rider. [I didn't understand this bit. What did you mean?]

Hope that helps - It might just be me
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bert
Posted: July 23rd, 2005, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for taking the time to do that, Curse.  And yes, it does help -- it lets me know that maybe I am using too much slang.

Yeah, they are smoking, and some people call a cigarette a "butt", and one does take a "drag" from a butt.  Good for you for NOT knowing this stuff

The door -- well, you've seen one or you haven't (so it certainly does not sound dumb).  You'll just have to trust me that it would look mighty strange.  And perfect, too.

[major spoiler here]

And the final scene -- he is sitting on his bicycle, but the shadow he sees is JUST his bicycle.  His own shadow is...unaccounted for.  Does that make it creepier (I hope).


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  July 23rd, 2005, 1:09pm
stuff kept occurring to me...
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CurseScripts
Posted: July 23rd, 2005, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I see now!

Thankyou for verifieing *or however you spell it* that with me!

Now I know what all those things mean *for future referances* lol. *My spelling is so off today!

I haven't seen the door no, so i'll be on a look out! rofl

I understand the bicycle thing now - and well... That is creepy!

Now that I understand - I change my rating to 4/4

Thaaaaanks!

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Dreamlogic
Posted: October 25th, 2005, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert. Love this screenplay! You were probably hoping for some constructive critisicm but there is nothing i didn't like or understand. The only thing i can think of was that i couldn't picture the revolving door. But that comes down to my lack of door knowledge Was refreshing to read something so original. Loved the description of the old man, makes us think about what his past could have been like.

"the man is now revealed as a shirtless, skeletal albino.  His hair and beard are completely white, and both extend to his waist."

Looking forward to your next screenplay! Im off to read the farm.


THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/
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Balt
Posted: October 25th, 2005, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Sup? Anyways, I read it... it's decent. It's not great, though. I like some of the dialogue, it seemed natural and then at times you'd throw us something like this --


OLD MAN
Not mine.  My shadow wants to
kill me.  Pete.  I think it
wants my soul.  Can you imagine
such a thing?


I don't buy that. It just didn't sound right and really took me out of the story.

I thought your descriptions were good. I could tell what was going on and what you wanted us to see or feel. You did your job well here.

I didn't find the whole dropping of the cig and all that convincing at all. That was just absurd. I think the old guy wasn't so scary. He kinds seemed pathetic to me. Like someone who just needed a friend. Maybe that's how you wanted him to be, though.

Anyways, I like the story. It just needs more work. I should say, I like the concept... something to do with shadows is a very interesting venture. One I'd like to work with myself, should I find something to put a shadow to.

I agree with you on not wanting to make this any longer. It doesn't need to be. A short is where this would thrive.

So in closing. I like the concept. The dialogue was a little weak. Strong descriptions made for a good read but a weak ending and main guy/thing/beast made the whole story seem contrived a bit.

3 out of 5 ~ I'd put more flesh on these bones.
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bert
Posted: October 25th, 2005, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking a look, D.L.  This one has always been my favorite, even though it is pretty short.  There was a longer version with some of this guy's past (talked about this in earlier posts on this story), but it always came out more silly than scary.  At least to me.  This is the bare bones of the story, following deep cuts.

And Balt, thanks for the surprise read.  I honestly expected that you would like this one better, but it's also cool to be able to count on you to speak your mind, I suppose.  It helps to keep a writer grounded, in a sense, so they don't get too inflated about their own stuff.  And I guess that's a good thing.

And I am sure you could do some fine work with shadows...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: November 18th, 2005, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Wow! I did try to acess your script many time, now I've succeed. A long, long time I've not seen a simple and enjoinble reading. 8 easy pages and nice concept! With time I'll read The farm!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 23rd, 2006, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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cool script, kinda weird, but I liked it, I actually liked Salvage more, but this one was still good.  I like your descriptions and some of the dialog, I was a little bit confused at first with the whole shadown coming out of the wall, but it made more sense latter on.  keep up the good work.


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James McClung
Posted: February 23rd, 2006, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff, Bert. Nice reversal on a typical horror convention. The light's where the monsters are in this one. Cool.

And BTW, I think you can lose the plug at the end now. I think everyone and his cousin's read The Farm. That thing's a monster (in the best sense of the word).


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bert
Posted: February 24th, 2006, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Oh, crapp....I had completely forgotten that "shameless plug" was there!  

Yeah, this was written when I was still struggling to get some reads for that larger work, but you are right....it can certainly go by now.  Thanks for reminding me that was there.  Really.

And thanks for checking it out, Drex.  A couple of people have complained about being a little confused.  I'll have to re-examine the descriptions one of these days when I get around to removing that silly plug at the end.  Maybe flesh the story out a little bit, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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