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Bert, absolutely brilliant hon, I loved it. I read it before work today and was totally creeped out by it, really. I do believe this to be truly original and although it's only 8 pages long, I think it's fitting to the story as it's so well told.
I thought your description was right on the money and totally made it easy to visualise and it set the mood well. Your characters were very well written too. I can't really find any flaws here to be honest, you did such a great job.
I would love to see this filmed! You've managed to turn a simple concept of one's shadow into a really creepy little tale. I was sad that it ended so soon actually. Could have lost myself in it for a while longer, but wouldn't want you to flesh it out just for length, it's perfect the way it is.
This is great, a real original idea and I loved it. One question, what was your inspiration for the boy’s name? The Car? A baby mustang? Anyway, really good.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
Hey Curse, your opinion is as valid as the next guy's, and that's cool -- but you have me curious about "the action that was hard to understand." We're all about trying to improve here, you know?
If you could give me some specifics on where I lost you, as a reader, it might help me to prevent doing it again.
1. Pinto stares at the door. It is the revolving type, like the kind photographers use for their darkrooms. It looks pretty weird attached to this trailer. (This might sound kind of dumb...But I didn't know what kind of door you meant!)
2. Pinto takes it and does. He coughs a bit, but he can smoke. He returns the old man’s butt. [What do you mean 'the old man's butt'?]
3. The old man takes another long drag. [Do you mean as in smoking from the cigarette?]
4. The old man’s laughter echoes in Pinto’s ears as he peers at the shadow of his bicycle.
Just his bicycle. With no rider. [I didn't understand this bit. What did you mean?]
Thank you for taking the time to do that, Curse. And yes, it does help -- it lets me know that maybe I am using too much slang.
Yeah, they are smoking, and some people call a cigarette a "butt", and one does take a "drag" from a butt. Good for you for NOT knowing this stuff
The door -- well, you've seen one or you haven't (so it certainly does not sound dumb). You'll just have to trust me that it would look mighty strange. And perfect, too.
[major spoiler here]
And the final scene -- he is sitting on his bicycle, but the shadow he sees is JUST his bicycle. His own shadow is...unaccounted for. Does that make it creepier (I hope).
Hey Bert. Love this screenplay! You were probably hoping for some constructive critisicm but there is nothing i didn't like or understand. The only thing i can think of was that i couldn't picture the revolving door. But that comes down to my lack of door knowledge Was refreshing to read something so original. Loved the description of the old man, makes us think about what his past could have been like.
"the man is now revealed as a shirtless, skeletal albino. His hair and beard are completely white, and both extend to his waist."
Looking forward to your next screenplay! Im off to read the farm.
THE LONG ROAD NORTH A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.
Sup? Anyways, I read it... it's decent. It's not great, though. I like some of the dialogue, it seemed natural and then at times you'd throw us something like this --
OLD MAN Not mine. My shadow wants to kill me. Pete. I think it wants my soul. Can you imagine such a thing?
I don't buy that. It just didn't sound right and really took me out of the story.
I thought your descriptions were good. I could tell what was going on and what you wanted us to see or feel. You did your job well here.
I didn't find the whole dropping of the cig and all that convincing at all. That was just absurd. I think the old guy wasn't so scary. He kinds seemed pathetic to me. Like someone who just needed a friend. Maybe that's how you wanted him to be, though.
Anyways, I like the story. It just needs more work. I should say, I like the concept... something to do with shadows is a very interesting venture. One I'd like to work with myself, should I find something to put a shadow to.
I agree with you on not wanting to make this any longer. It doesn't need to be. A short is where this would thrive.
So in closing. I like the concept. The dialogue was a little weak. Strong descriptions made for a good read but a weak ending and main guy/thing/beast made the whole story seem contrived a bit.
Thanks for taking a look, D.L. This one has always been my favorite, even though it is pretty short. There was a longer version with some of this guy's past (talked about this in earlier posts on this story), but it always came out more silly than scary. At least to me. This is the bare bones of the story, following deep cuts.
And Balt, thanks for the surprise read. I honestly expected that you would like this one better, but it's also cool to be able to count on you to speak your mind, I suppose. It helps to keep a writer grounded, in a sense, so they don't get too inflated about their own stuff. And I guess that's a good thing.
And I am sure you could do some fine work with shadows...
Wow! I did try to acess your script many time, now I've succeed. A long, long time I've not seen a simple and enjoinble reading. 8 easy pages and nice concept! With time I'll read The farm!
cool script, kinda weird, but I liked it, I actually liked Salvage more, but this one was still good. I like your descriptions and some of the dialog, I was a little bit confused at first with the whole shadown coming out of the wall, but it made more sense latter on. keep up the good work.
Good stuff, Bert. Nice reversal on a typical horror convention. The light's where the monsters are in this one. Cool.
And BTW, I think you can lose the plug at the end now. I think everyone and his cousin's read The Farm. That thing's a monster (in the best sense of the word).
Oh, crapp....I had completely forgotten that "shameless plug" was there!
Yeah, this was written when I was still struggling to get some reads for that larger work, but you are right....it can certainly go by now. Thanks for reminding me that was there. Really.
And thanks for checking it out, Drex. A couple of people have complained about being a little confused. I'll have to re-examine the descriptions one of these days when I get around to removing that silly plug at the end. Maybe flesh the story out a little bit, too.
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Someplace Nice and Dark
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Was refreshing to read something so original. Loved the description of the old man, makes us think about what his past could have been like.
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