Hey Bert,

Um...I don't really have any problems with this at all.  The ideas are great, the writing is great...

I will say that that one line that Balt quoted is a little out of place, in my opinion.  It could be re-tooled to sound a little less over the top.

I missed this, Heretic.  It got buried under all that silliness from DOM, I suppose.

But thanks for taking a look.  Now I get to bump both of my shorts together!  What fun.

I know exactly what line you are talking about -- and reading it now, after some time has passed -- it does give me kind of a cringe.  You (and Balt) are quite correct.

It's the tipping point of the story -- where it goes off in its new direction -- and really does deserve something better.  I'll get to that one of these days.

Thanks for the read-over.

Bert, I just read your script. It wasn't as good as the Farm, but still had that creepy feeling like my shadow realy was trying to get me. I really like the ending even though I predicted it, but this wasn't all about twists and turns I'm guessing.

Your plot is thick as metal, your formatting is right on, and no grammar errors anywhere that can be seen by the naked eye.

I love your scripts Bert, and can't wait for you to release a new script that is even more spookier than 'the Farm' or this one where I post a review right now. Muahhahahahhahaha...

4/5  (Only because it was predictable...)

Quoted from James Fields ...and no grammar errors anywhere that can be seen by the naked eye.

Thanks, James.  Are you implying that my script is riddled with microscopic errors in grammar?

You must have dug pretty deep to find this one, but I appreciate the read.  It is one of the first short scripts I ever wrote -- based upon an idea I found in the Weekly World News.

I may expand this one someday -- this thread contains some good ideas for that -- but I kind of like it the way it is, too -- a very thin slice of story.

But predictable, huh?  Most people thought it was a vampire thing and were surprised when it didn't go there.  Maybe we think alike or something...

bert,
I really enjoyed this one. You were able to perfectly paint an image into my mind of what kind of neighbrohood Pinto lived in.

"Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation."

I see Phil's and many others point about how this doesn't fit, but for me it gave me clearer image of what the setting was like.

"It looks pretty weird attached to this trailer."
If I had one nitpick it would be that line. It's not needed. I think  your description of the dark room revolving door on a trailer gives us an idea that it would look pretty weird.

I'm pretty happy with how much you wrote. There's definately a little more you could put in, particularly it's origin. I agree with others that it fees just like a scene rather than a short if you don't. give us any idea of how that guy got that shadow.
Otherwise I think you did a fantastic job, Bert.

Thanks, Tony.  Despite the length of this thread, the argument regarding that line you quoted (and other lines like it) was never definitively resolved.  It just boils down to a matter of personal tastes.

As for this:

Quoted from thegardenstate89 There's definately a little more you could put in, particularly it's origin.

That has also been touched on a bit, so I dug it up:

Quoted from Me, from before It's a gypsy curse, stemming from an earlier episode of infidelity and, ultimately, murder. The old man (who was once a young man, of course) lost control of his shadow gradually, over time. In the original tale, the shadow was a "character" of sorts, that had to evolve into what it has finally become.

But it just gets kind of silly after a while if you try to flesh it out too much.  In my hands, anyways.  But at least now you know haha.  Thanks again for the look and your thoughts.

Hi Bert. I just loved your screenplay! It made think of Twilight Zone best episodes.What can I say after all those "constructive critisicm". By the way, what is the revolving door?

Anyway, keep writing with your heart and do not listen too much to the others. Nobody's perfect, isn't it?

I'll try to have a look on the farm this weekeend.

See you

Michel

Hey, thanks for the read Michel.  What a nice surprise.

You know, you are not the first to wonder about this door.  Seems like you have either seen one or you haven't, and some people are confused.

Here is a dude using the door I've described.  No light gets in at all.  Imagine this door attached to the old man's trailer:

That's a strange door. Makes me wonder why anyone would have such a thing. What kind of place normally uses a door like this?

Like (*ahem*) the story says, it is for darkrooms, where photographic work is done.

Or anyplace else where it is important that people can enter or exit without letting any light into the room.  There is an identical opening on the opposite side that opens into another room.

I'm surprised how many people haven't seen these.

Perhaps there is a lesson there about using things in your script that might be a little too obscure for the general population.

Hi there bert, this script was really good, it had an old school horror tale feel about it, which is something I really dig. Very creepy and detailed.

I have also written a short about the horrors that lurk in the shadows.  I'll get to submitting that ASAP.

I must admit that I wasn't sure what type of door you meant, but now that I do it's a nice addition.  I want to say that I've also read ALL-Mart which i found to be equally creepy and entertaining. Both scripts had me hooked form start to finish and I like the endings to both.  

Creepiness is something you seem to do well. Keep it up.

Thanks for looking Yohn (your name reads like a typo haha) and for the words on All-Mart as well.  I still haven't quite figured out what I'm gonna do with that one.

I like to look at most of the horror that goes up, so I'll be sure to take a gander at your shadow story as well.  And probably Luxuria in the next coupla' days.

And another person who hasn't seen that door, huh?  I should have put that picture up months ago, probably.

Hey bert,
Script of the day  .
I remember reading this one a long time ago, but since it was script of the day, I figured I'd read it again.
I looked to see what I posted back then the first time I read it, and couldn't find a post... Hum... but I read your replies about the shadow being some sort of gypsy curse, so I have some thoughts about that, and some other remarks, and questions as well...

These are only my thoughts.

Is the old man in the trailer a gypsy or just a man who was cursed with an evil shadow?
I was wondering because I have a park by me that only has gypsies in it or so I was told. You might want to add in the name of the park, Maybe something with gypsy in it if it is. ???
If he wasn't in a gypsy park, and only had an evil shadow, then you might want to have the man tell Pinto when he first noticed his shadow take an evil turn. Was he in the wrong place at the wrong time just like Pinto at the end or did he, himself, evoke something that he couldn't get rid of?
I think you could do that right after he asks Pinto what he should do because I think the fire happens too quickly there.
Another question...
What happened to Pinto's shadow? Was it taken by the evil shadow?
If it was you might want to show the two shadows fighting, and becoming one, then moving toward Pinto????

Anyway, just my thoughts...

It was a creepy story, but I'd like to know how the old man's shadow became evil.

Cindy

Script of the day?  Really?  Let me go check -- wow, and so it is.  Neat.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I think the fire happens too quickly there....

I think you are right.  There is room in this story for a flashback or two.

I've heard it before -- maybe I needed to hear it one more time -- but this story probably could benefit from a little backstory.  And you've kind of given me a good place to put it.

That'll go on the to-do list for this one.  I'm pretty sure of that now.

Thanks for your thoughts there, Cindy.  And for letting me know about SOTD -- I'm sure I would have missed it otherwise.

Hey Bert,

I really, really liked this one!
This one was good. May even be the best script I've read under 10 pages.

I read this sitting in bright daylight by the window in my office, feet up on the desk and a diet Red Bull in one hand and your short in the other. Not the best mood enhancing situation for something scary in other words, but it still worked.
This was a very creepy little story and I for one would've liked for it be longer.

I could picture this very easily in my head and trailer parks are everywhere where I live and most of them look exactly the way you described it here.

Your style certainly has changed in the last year. Your scripts read much more professional now, but the story and the telling of the story was still great.


PS. I love the title.