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I really liked this. Didn't see anything needing change. It's starkly simple, and straight to the core.
The visuals capture like a painting. I've seen many trailer parks of that description and haunted quality, while traveling much of the U.S.
The creepy old man almost foreshadows Yoder in appearance and disposition--like they're related.
Pinto was an efffective character. Using the word "kooky" seemed true to him.
Natuarally, in a short piece, you don't need backstory or explanations. It leaves one curious as to what the old man did to draw the demon to him in this way. If it ever unfolds itself to you, this could grow into a possible 85 page feature.
Your way of expressing, often resonates with how I like a thing told. That's always a pleasure to find. I plan to finish all the ones you have up, eventually.
So glad to hear my suggestion helped! Love it when that happens
It was a grabber when Yoder mentioned the "foul ground" (or similar term). This seemed to lock with the other old man's curse of unforgiven sins idea. Good meat in those two linked concepts, which go back to ancient times.
I took "The Winter Boy" down for a tune-up. The ending has emerged more clearly to me now. There tends to be a "wind bag" factor in my DNA for overwriting and for prolonging endings of a piece. It's like they all want to be a generational saga, like my Cap'n Squint series. One mega-epic like that is enough! Yet it's like a genetic battle to overcome making everything a giant opus.
That revolving door of the trailer is a cool idea, but it seems to be shooting you in the foot. It may have to go for this reason--though that's regretable.
The writing, for the most part, was spot on - precise.
The story itself unfolded in a way that kept my attention. It presented questions that, at least for this reader, demanded answers. For example, why is the trailer equipped with a revolving door?! Why are the windows boarded? Why doesn't the voice accept deliveries during the day?
A great build up - when Pinto, finally, stepped into the trailer, I was, I think, as creeped out as he was, if not more so. I know I like something if I imagine myself in it - vicariously. And I did.
The diologue was good. It didn't, for the most part, sound forced or too expositive. I was a bit surprised that Pinto cared to know any of the the old man's secrets, the situation being so creepy. But, the more I thought about, it makes sense. Pinto probably imagines the old man to be lonely and, thus, placated him.
I noticed a couple of comments regarding the following line: "Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation." This, imo, is photographable. It's visual. That said, when I read it, I saw it.
And thank you again for that comment. I thought so too, darn it. But this debate -- and others like it -- will probably never be resolved to everyone's satisfaction. It's all a matter of style, I suppose.
I appreciate your thoughts on this one. There are a few stumbles in the dialogue, IMO, but it's nice to hear nothing made you cringe.
Seems like there is lots of stuff going up lately. When you finally toss something up, be sure to call a little attention to it so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle.
Okay, jumped right over to this script, since I enjoyed Salvage so much.
I like this one, too. To my mind, it's a little more obvious...and a *little* less brilliant, but very, very good nonetheless.
As with salvage, I like your descriptions - and personally think that you should keep the trailer park description in the script. Doesn't matter to me if you can't show it, it just adds that extra bit of class to the reading, which I enjoy.
I do agree with a previous reader that you need to throw in some sort of a hint as to why the shadows transfer to Pinto. Otherwise, the ending comes out of left field, and doesn't quite work. One other thing...is it possible to come up with a less demonic manifestation of the shadows, something creepy but not quite as "monster-like?" I just tend to find monsters and claws corney....something sinister but amorphous might have more emotional impact...!
Okay Bert, I'm gonna try to give you a good thorough review.
First I will start by saying I liked this alot. Your ability to tell a story really shines here.
I wasn't too fond of the first page. It moved very slow, even for one page.
Also, I didn't unerstand one of your descriptions on page 1.
-Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation.-
Maybe I'm just stupid. Anyways, once the dialogue started the pace of the script picked up.
You're dialogue was snappy and real.
Pinto seemed like a real person to me. The Old Man was an interesting character, but I wanted to know more. How did he come to have a demonic shadow? I understand no explantion is needed, but you can't stop me from being curious.
I liked how you used the trash around the trailer to bring the demise of the old man. It was simple, yet suspenseful.
Overall, I'd say this is a good script. Very well written and thought out.
Zack & Gabe: Thanks guys. I know you two haven't read the whole thread -- and it's certainly not expected -- but Zack, if you go back to the first coupla' pages, you will find this one line...
Quoted from Zack
...each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation...
...was discussed ad nauseum haha. Detractors and supporters, but no real resolution. It's a matter of taste, and I intend to keep it.
And Gabe, this was also touched upon in the thread, if you go hunting:
Quoted from Gabe
I would like to learn more about the Old Man's history in obtaining his demonic shadow.
It's a gypsy curse. That's the short answer.
This story used to be a lot longer, but it just got silly (to me, anyway). This one little segment here -- ripped from the larger story -- is all I kept.
Quoted from Gabe
I gotta read the farm. lol
Man, I really need to get rid of that plug in the script. It’s kind of embarrassing now. This is an old story, back when I was still struggling to get readers for my feature. I’ll take care of that one of these days.
I got tired of waiting for your new short so I decided to read this instead.
Good story, characters, and dialogue. Quite satisfying. The only thing was that it left me wondering about the man's story. Circular stories always do that to me, they leave me wondering how it all started in the first place.
I wonder if it would make sense to expand this to include the man telling his story to the boy - though it would probably increase the cost of production.
Yowza. A double-bump. What a nice surprise on a Monday morning. Thank you, cornetto. Maybe this is gonna be a good week after all haha.
Quoted from mcornetto
I got tired of waiting for your new short...
Yeah, I am one of those “slow writers”. Always have been. It’s a dreadful combination of obsessing and getting busy with other stuff and being too easily distracted by reading the stuff on these damn boards haha.
I really envy those guys that can just churn stuff out.
Quoted from mcornetto
The only thing was that it left me wondering about the man's story...I wonder if it would make sense to expand this...
Expanding the story has been debated on this thread. In its original form, this actually was a smaller segment of a larger story.
There are pros and cons both ways -- but I found the premise of this story just gets a little silly if you try to carry it too much further. At least, in my hands it does.
I appreciate your looking, cornetto. And it's timely, too.
If everything goes as planned, there should be a very unconventional rendering of this story at some point in the future from one of our favorite board members.
But I will keep their identity secret to avoid undue pressure. They know who they are...
Pinto better go and find someplace nice and dark to hide. His boss is going to be pissed he never collected the $23.50.
I did like this a lot. It was a neat little story, and I think very original. Just when I thought you were going to go with the same old 'He's a vampire' theme, you pulled a whole three-sixty and took it a totally different direction. (Wait a second. 360 is a circle, isn't it? Maybe I meant 180.)
I think the writing was concise and clear, yet still creatively descriptive and beautifully worded. Never thought anybody could beautifully describe a crappy trailer park. (And no, I'm not trying to blow smoke up your arse*.)
I glanced at a couple other people's comments and noticed that it was a gypsy curse. I think it's better you don't say that in the story. Like I said, you have a clever and original concept, and it being a gypsy curse, well, you know, there's been a lot of movies and stories that have copped that excuse before. It would take away something from the story, at least for me, if you had mentioned it.
I will be getting to your other stuff very soon. I'm going to be laid up for a while and I love reading, so expect me to be a 500+ posts member before long. :-)
* - Yes, I know it's a British term and I'm not British, but it's just so damn catchy once you hear it a few times.