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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hannah's Demons - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hannah's Demons - Filmed  (currently 6797 views)
Don
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hannah's Demons by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror, Thriller - Hannah learns that running from her demons only makes things worse. 6 pages - pdf, format

*Script no longer available

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Hannah's Demons from Short Film Expo on Vimeo.




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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 27th, 2021, 4:12pm
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Warren
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for getting the corrected version of this up so soon. Love you're work, Don.


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SteveClark
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Not a bad effort here. You seem to have a pretty good handle on format, and I followed along pretty well. Good job with the writing. I do think that a few of your sentences can be combined to make for a slightly more seamless read, but no real big issues at all I don't think.

The story itself may need a little touch up. Personally, I'd lose the first call that Hannah makes to her mother. Don't think it's necessary and I feel this would work just as well without it. Next, I find it hard to believe that the hunter would force the pills into her throat right there on the spot. They're anti psychotic pills, not some life saving medication that she'd need on the spot or she'll die. Also, who was the first guy? The one she hit with the rock? Maybe - or maybe not - that needs explaining too. Maybe a line by the hunter in the house explaining maybe it was her brother or something. I don't know.

Overall not bad. Wasn't crazy about the story, but you did have some pretty good tension going on and, like I said, your writing and the formatting was pretty solid. Not to mention you provided a twist -- although I did see it coming. Hope this helps.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven,

Thanks for the read and comments, appreciated as always. Also thanks for the positive comments regarding formatting and the writing in general.

Did want to mention a few things, not in the interest of defending my work, but more so in trying to explain where I was coming from.

I preface this by saying I am a new to writing shorts and any advise is taken on board.

I will say that I find it to be a very thin line between being over expositional and giving too little for the reader to get the just of where I'm going with my story. I think I personally write on the side of giving too little away, potentially?

Because the story if obviously mine, it plays out perfectly in my head. I guess thatís where SS comes in. You get to see what you couldnít initially.

SPOILERS:

So here is my reasoning. I felt the call was necessary as it's part of a trend; Hannah is unwilling to do what is required to improve her situation.

I'll note here that it's not uncommon for sufferers of some mental health conditions to get to a point that they are feeling so well on medication that they cease completely, thinking they have it under control. Also it's not uncommon that because of the side affects of some medication (including a sedative effect, important for later), that they stop medication.

With the forcing of the pills down the throat, itís less about getting it done or else, and more about having to force Hannah to do something she really doesnít want to do. You might say that this was not her thinking as she thought see was being poisoned, but she was in a psychotic state, she wasnít thinking straight. Also the idea that some of these medications have a sedative effect could add with how important it is for her to take them as soon as possible.

Who the first guy is, is irrelevant. He is a guy that is helping Hannah's father to find her. What is important, in my mind, is that Hannah is willing to go to any lengths to get away. I know that is apparent in the ending but I wanted to highlight it earlier.

I didnít think I would be able to keep the ending a complete secret but I hoped that Hannahís actions were enough of a story.

I suppose no writer wants to have to explain their work and would prefer that their intention comes through clearly, but I explain it so that I can try to learn how to do it better.

Thanks again.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

This flowed nicely and was easy to read. You kept the tension going and made it interesting. I worked out what was going on as soon as the hunter took out the pills but that doesnít necessarily mean it is obvious; Iím pretty good at spotting twists.

Thereís a few areas where the writing could be tightened were thereís a bit of telling instead of showing e.g. ďA desperate attempt to make the nightmare stopĒ but itís minor and I think it doesnít interrupt the flow at all.

Iím a bit with Steve on the overall story. In your attempt to make the viewer think Hannah is being hunted, there is a bit of a disbelief in the way her Father (and whoever the other guy is) treats his daughter throughout this chase. I think this can be easily explained if you somehow indicate Hannahís perception is warped. For example, you could demonise the hunters and make them look like monsters. The bottle of pills could be a bottle of poison. Then of course at the end when she comes out of her psychosis, she can see the monster is not a monster but her father and then reveal the bottle of pills.

Just a suggestion of course but you seem to have the knack of this, so keep it up and keep writing more shorts!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren, great to see you posting scripts and commenting on other peeps' stuff.

I read this all.  Not bad...not bad at all, in terms of what it is and what you were obviously going for.  As most horror stories/scripts/films go, it is a tad unbelievable, but who cares, right? It is what it is, and for me, it works.

However, you still have a bunch of writing issues you'll want to understand and do away with, as you progress in your skills.

Orphans - you have 9 (10, if you include a 2 word semi-orphan) in a script just over 5 pages - so basically, 2 per page.  That's 10 extra lines here and if you play it out over a 100 page script, you'd be looking at an extra 4 wasted pages.  Thee are usually very easy to edit out and it is something every writer should be on the lookout for.

Passages not broken up correctly - remember, do your best to only include a single thought, description, or shot in each passage.  As the shot or view changes, you need a new passage.

Slugs - Mini Slugs work once you've established the scene and you're using a tracking shot or not having any time passing.  Be careful of when and how you use them and make sure you're being consistent when and how you're using them.

A bigger issue with Slugs in this piece, is your opening scene(s) in the woods and in the kitchen when Hannah is under the table.  They're both tricky scenes to pull off correctly, in terms of writing them, but it's something to think about and try to get right.

In the woods, Hannah and the 2 dudes are not in the same place at first, yet, at times, you go back and forth between passages as if they're right next to each other. "Technically", what you have isn't "wrong", but it's a bit confusing and could read much smoother.

In the kitchen, you rally have 2 separate views going on when she's under the table, and IMO, you should show that through Mini Slugs - KITCHEN, KITCHEN - UNDER THE TABLE.  Most will probably not agree with me, but for me, it's all about clarity and writing the script so that it's basically ready to shoot as is.

You're getting there, bro.  Good work, here.


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eldave1
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Warren: well done, dude. Solid piece for the most part. Just a few comments:


Quoted Text
Further back, two flashlights provide the only light.


I would add a little bit - maybe their bobbing in the dark.


Quoted Text
Two MEN, 40ís, one heavyset with a hunting jacket. The other,
bald, follow in hot pursuit.


You CAP MEN and then refer to the characters as HUNTER and BALD MAN. I would go with - two men (40s), one dressed as a HUNTER and the other BALD.

However, I don't think you need two men here at all. The story works just as effectively without the Bald dude.  


Quoted Text
She pulls out a chair, crawls under the table then replaces
the chair.


I didn't buy that she could pull this off without making a sound sufficient to the Hunter to no where she was hiding.

Just my thoughts - good job here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Warren
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for the reads.

Mark, I really like your idea about the pill bottle and demonizing the men. I think I have found a way to do this without 'breaking the budget'. Great idea.

Dreamscale,  not going to lie, when I learnt about orphans I kinda missed the idea. I get it now. I will start being more conscious of it straight away, thanks. I do have another two shorts currently floating around the SS universe, that have not made the boards yet, they will have the same issues.

Question though, in a short and particularly a short short like I tend to write, how much of an issue is it? I get how valuable the real estate on a page is in a feature but how bad is it to do this in a short?

As far as the breakdown of the passages, I have been trying to apply your advise from your read of my feature. I thought I had sorted that issue out, clearly not. Not sure if we are seeing the breakdown of the scene differently or if I just don't have a good enough idea of the filmmaking side of things, either way, I will continue try clean it up. Thanks for pointing it out.

Will have another look at the slugs.

Eldave, I did think about writing in the movement of the flashlights but in my mind decided it would be obvious, will take another look.

The caps is just habit of capping the moment the new characters are introduced. Will try clean it up a bit.

The hunter did know exactly where she was, he walks right up to the table and pulls her out from under it.

Thanks again. Love the comments, I hope you all know I take everything on board and have already started to change my style of writing based on the great advise I have been given from SS members.

Thanks for all the possitive and encouraging comments aswell.


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Dustin
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Code

The flashlights come closer.

HANNAH
Shit.



A muffled sob would serve better here. She's bruised, beaten, on the run, tired and terrified. 'Shit' comes across as comic-booky. IMO, characters talking to themselves is always something we should avoid.

Code

Hannah crawls towards a large tree, hides herself.



Crawls behind a large tree and hides... don't need herself or towards. To crawl behind the tree she would naturally have to crawl towards it first. These are things that we pick up on edits, but can be missed.

Code

BALD MAN (O.S.)
Where did she go?



They're in the woods. This strikes me as an unrealistic question. They kinda know where she's gone.

Code

HUNTER (O.S.)
Split up. You check round there.



Wouldn't they do this with hand signals rather than dialogue?

Now she's making a phone call when they're almost on her. Makes no sense. Why call her mom and not the police? I suppose this may be answered later.

Code

Hannah lets the rock fall.



Why? She just took out one of them with it, why drop your only weapon? A set up so she can use another weapon later on? The rock can't be too heavy to carry because she she managed to swing it with enough force to knock a fully grown man unconscious.

Code

Hannah pulls open the kitchen draws, arms herself with a
large knife.



Ta-da!

Now would be the time to drop the rock.

Code

Hannah drops to the floor, hides herself.



herself... tut-tut-tut.

Yeah, I like these type of stories and this one has been done well. The trick is in misleading the reader/viewer as much as we can until the reveal and you've mostly managed to pull that off. Another edit or two and this will be a very good story. Easy to make. My only worry with it is that I've read a story exactly like this before. Not sure if it was you that wrote it.. but I have read this at least once before.

Good luck with it.


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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Dustin.

Will reply to all your comments more extensively when I have time just wanted to make a quick comment on one thing.

This is my story and not a copy/rip off of anything I have read or seen, atleast in the sence that I have not copied someone's work. To use the words "exactly like this before" comes off a bit misleading. I highly doubt it was exactly the same. Close maybe, it draws on a lot of common horror elements.

To me, when the word exactly is used, the word plagiarism is close behind.

Just wanted to clear that up.


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Dustin
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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No, it was exactly the same as this... girl in the woods being chased, reader led to believe she is the victim, she kills her attacker and then we find out it was a family member chasing her because she's psychotic and has missed her meds.

I didn't say that you did copy it. You've just come up with the same idea. I've definitely read this concept before, at least once.


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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Okay, well hopefully mine is better in some way


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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Dustin, thanks again for the read and comments.

Will look at the sentences you suggested tidying up, I can definitely cut some of the unnecessary words out of them. I agree it will read better that way.

Have been several comments about Hannah doing 'stupid things', I keep pointing out that she wasn't in the best frame of mind. Maybe that's not enough of an excuse and I can try make it more believable.

Cheers


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Dustin
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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I can only remember the specifics. Unfortunately as writers we'll come up against this all the time. It's impossible not to write the same stories from time to time. I don't believe for one second that you copied it. It's just one of those coincidences.


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Dustin
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Dustin, thanks again for the read and comments.

Will look at the sentences you suggested tidying up, I can definitely cut some of the unnecessary words out of them. I agree it will read better that way.


No worries mate, these little things just make our writing crisper and, as I said, we usually pick them up on later edits. We all do the same things in our early drafts.


Quoted from Warren

Have been several comments about Hannah doing 'stupid things', I keep pointing out that she wasn't in the best frame of mind. Maybe that's not enough of an excuse and I can try make it more believable.


Well, you want the viewer along for the ride... believing that she is the victim running from her assailants. To do that, she needs to act like a normal victim until you're ready for the reveal.


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eldave1
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Quoted Text
Dreamscale,  not going to lie, when I learnt about orphans I kinda missed the idea. I get it now. I will start being more conscious of it straight away, thanks. I do have another two shorts currently floating around the SS universe, that have not made the boards yet, they will have the same issues.

Question though, in a short and particularly a short short like I tend to write, how much of an issue is it? I get how valuable the real estate on a page is in a feature but how bad is it to do this in a short?


Warren, writers look at the issues of orphans (like all other issues) with different points of view. For me, I examine all orphans (even in dialogue) not so much as a matter of saving space, but as a function of making sure that I am writing as efficiently as possible.

As an example: you have:


Quoted Text
The woods open up to reveal a house. No lights appear to be
on.


I would have probably re-written as:

The woods open up to reveal a house. No lights are on.

I would have re-written it not to get rid of the orphan per se - but because "appear to be" adds little to the description.

So long-winded way of saying that even in shorts I pay attention to orphans just as a signpost to check to make sure things are written as crisply as possible.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Dreamscale,  Question though, in a short and particularly a short short like I tend to write, how much of an issue is it? I get how valuable the real estate on a page is in a feature but how bad is it to do this in a short?


Warren, it's not "bad" at all and in the big picture, it means very little...usually.  Depends if you run onto a new page at the end of your script by x lines and you have x orphans in your script.

The real deal is that most of the time, and I'm talking like 95+%, orphans are the result of overwriting, unnecessary words, or downright extra words that shouldn't be there.  I bet I/we could go over each of your orphans and see exactly why they're there, and cut at least one word from the line.[/quote]



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MarkItZero
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Guess I'm the only one but I didn't see the ending coming. That's probably because I haven't read very many shorts so to me it was a unique concept. Whereas Dustin and others have read some variation of this (or even identical plots) many times over from past writers. Still, I found it engaging. Would have been more so if the action descriptions didn't read like a list sometimes...


Quoted Text
HANNAH, 16, attractive under the bruises, scratches, and torn
clothes, crouches down low. She looks back towards the
flashlights. She breathes heavily as sweat beads on her
forehead.

The flashlights come closer.

HANNAH
Shit.

Hannah flees into the night.


As opposed to something like...

HANNAH, 16, attractive under the bruises, scratches, and torn
clothes, crouches down low. Hot vapors of air billow up between ragged breaths.

A flashlight beam slashes in front of her.

She ducks, flees into the night.

Maybe that's just me imposing a different style, but I feel like some variation of this "shows" rather than "tells" better than listing "she does this, then that, then this happens..."


Quoted Text
The bald man comes into sight. She strikes him in the head
with the rock. His eyes roll back. Blood runs down his face,
he drops to the ground.

Hannah is illuminated as the hunterÔŅĹs flashlight settles on
her.


Again, this reads like a list. There's no sense of urgency.

It could go something like this...

The bald man pounces behind the tree. Flicks his light about only to find empty ground.

A NOISE from behind. He spins.

Hanna comes at him in a blur, rock in hand, whipcracks him hard across the face.

Her wild eyes lit by the hunter's beam as he races towards his downed companion.

**Maybe this is just a style difference. Maybe my style is wrong lol. But I'd like the descriptions to be more vivid, urgent, throughout.







  


That rug really tied the room together.

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkItZero  -  June 25th, 2016, 2:18pm
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khamanna
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Hey Warren,

I think it's a nice little short. Simple idea easy to follow. And nicely done as you build the suspence really well.
I'd like to know a bit more about Hannah though - to feel for her.
I thought she'll turn into a werewolf or something or turn out to be a vampire - and I think the reason is that she doesn't talk much, doesn't lead to believe she's a human. So, I was following the chase, but it left me a bit impartial because I don't know much about her - just see a girl being chased. So I assumed she'll turn bad at the end and she turned out to be a phsyco. This way is much better than a vampire or some creature.

This one is a low budget production I guess, and I see it made. Good luck to you with it.
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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for the reading.

James, I'm glad I got you with the ending.

Like you, I'm not so sure it is a style choice, it's also the second time my writing has been pulled up for reading like a list, so I will go back and take another look.

Khamanna, thanks for the possitive feedback. I can almost certainly assure you that you will never see a werewolf or vampire story from me.

Dreamscale and eldave, thanks for the clarification on orphans.

Everyone, I have received some very valuable feedback on this one. Will have another look and give it a clean up.


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DavidV
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Hi Warren,

I thought this was very well written. Moved at a fast pace, easy to follow, and you did a great job at creating imagery. It kept me engaged.

It did seem a bit odd for our main character talk to her mother on the phone as she's (supposedly) getting hunted. It decreased the tension of the situation.

The ending was very depressing, though I suppose that's what you were going for. I definitely didn't see it coming. Overall, I think it was a good short, but as others said, it would be better if we actually got to know the character. I also agree that you should cut out that first conversation she had with her mother... it didn't really add any depth to Hannah and it seemed bizarre.


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Warren
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David,

Thanks for the read and positive feedback. I'm glad the imagery worked for you and that the overall read was satisfactory.

Will be taking another pass at this short in the coming days, trying to incorporate the tips I have received.

Cheers


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Warren
Posted: June 26th, 2016, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Just to let you know, before anyone else reads this and comments, I will be submitting the new version today. Hopefully it will be available soon.

I have used a lot of the advice given, so I hope it turns out well.

Thanks again to everyone for your feedback.


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eldave1
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Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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This is the revised and final draft of Hannahís Demons. Thank you for your recommendations and advise.

NEW SPOILERS

These are the changes:

All single word orphans are gone. Still a couple of two word ones, but I can live with them.

The bald man has been completely removed.

The initial conversation with Hannahís mother has been completely removed.

The hunter has been demonised to show Hannahís warped perception.

I have added a sedative effect to the pills, hopefully adding to the immediacy of getting them swallowed.

The writing that could be condensed and cleaned up has been.

Some things I decided not to change:

Hannah still drops the rock after the attack, only now it is the hunter she strikes. He is seemly no longer a threat. And to be honest, if it was me I wouldnít be running with a large rock, even if it was my only weapon.

I have not changed or added any slugs. I know it can probably be done better, but after reading through it a few more times, I donít think there is any ambiguity in where and what is going on. I am happy with how this flows.

I have not really changed any of the descriptive type writing, for better or worse, I feel this is how I would like to write.

Were some other minor tweaks that arenít worth mentioning.

Thanks again, as you can see I am here to learn and use the input I get to make my writing better.

Hopefully with the changes this makes for a cleaner, more enjoyable read.




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Dustin
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Orphans, generally speaking, are all about aesthetics. They don't look good on the printed page. Even readers don't like them. Most of the time we can write around them... but never do so if it harms the flow or detracts the information you want to deliver. It's not an absolute rule that we shouldn't use orphans, and the use of them will not likely harm the chances of the script being picked up. It's just aesthetically more pleasing not to have them and also, I believe, suggests talent.


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Dreamscale
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Quoted from Dustin
Orphans, generally speaking, are all about aesthetics. They don't look good on the printed page. Even readers don't like them. Most of the time we can write around them... but never do so if it harms the flow or detracts the information you want to deliver. It's not an absolute rule that we shouldn't use orphans, and the use of them will not likely harm the chances of the script being picked up. It's just aesthetically more pleasing not to have them and also, I believe, suggests talent.


Agreed.

The thing with orphans, is that the more you have, the more completely wasted lines you have, and thus, the longer your script is going to run.

Absolutely nothing wrong with 2, 3, 4 orphans per 10 pages...as long as they're not sitting there all by their lonesome selves because of a writing mistake.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Agreed - Agreed.

I would also add the same thought to scene headings. I've run across many instances where a line could be saved by including the pertinent info in the scene heading. e.g.,

INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

This is a large room.

Could just as easily be

INT. LARGE AUDITORIUM - DAY


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RichardR
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Some notes.

This one works for the most part.  You manage to create the right vibe.  A young girl runs for her life, pursued by a hunter.  This scene has been done before, so we know what to expect.  You might consider having the hunter call to her.  After all, if you were dad, wouldn't you call to her?  Promise her everything will be OK?  Tell her it's just a mistake?  That she doesn't believe him reinforces her psychosis and makes him seem more sinister.

I have a problem with the breaking of the window.  She knows enough to hide but not enough to avoid noise?  Maybe.  Or if she did break the window, would she be clever enough to keep running?

The rock thing bothers me a little.   If she thinks she really knocked him out, why run so fast?  If not, why not beat him to a pulp?  Of course, as she jogs off, she looks back, and there's that damn light.

The ending works for me.  You might consider having her answer in a different fashion.  After all, she thinks she stabbed an enemy.  Why not work on that?  

Best
Richard
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Warren
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Thanks for the read and notes, Richard.

To say why doesnít she just beat him to a pulp with the rock there and then can be applied to a lot of movies. The amount of times it could all be ended there and then with either the protag killing the antag or visa versa. Well that doesnít really make for much of a story and many movies would end very prematurely.

I felt any reassurance in the beginning would be too expositional and thatís why I decided to leave it out.

A few people have commented on Hannah acting irrationally. There is absolutely no need for her to act rationally, she is in a state of psychosis, I would go as far to say that she is almost acting too rationally for someone that is seeing demons.

For the moment, I will not be doing any more work on Hannah's Demons. I have used a lot of the advice given to me and I feel I am happy with what I have. At the end of the day I still want it to be my story, regardless of whether it's been done before. Most things have, in one way or another.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  June 28th, 2016, 8:25pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

Decided to return a read. Seeing Lullaby has been picked up (Congrats on that), decided to do the review on this one.

SPOILERS!

Like the story however, I think this could end earlier with the girl beating the hunter at the rock scene...unless maybe something else distracts her from that. But the phone conversation at the house could take place at the woods.

Other than that, it's good.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Warren
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Thanks for the read, Mr. Ripley.

Yes very excited about Lullaby.

Your view on when the story should end is shared by atleast one other reviewer. I did feel that it took too much away from the story, so I have decided to leave it alone at this point.

Thanks again


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Warren
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Very happy to announce that Sinister Films will be producing Hannah's Demons as well. Production is set to start once filming for Lullaby is complete.


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MarkItZero
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Nice Warren! This should turn out to be a very suspenseful film.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Dustin
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Good luck on both counts.


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Wes
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I do find myself asking which is  a psychotic hallucination and what is reality.
So, did she really kill her dad? Is there any point in killing him after sheís been forced to take the pills?
Were the pills a hallucination?
I did see the twist coming when the pills were revealed.
Over all, solid work. Thanks for sharing.


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Warren
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The psychosis subsidies at the end, I feel I made this evident not only through Hannah's realization of the situation but also her father's eyes turn from black back to a normal colour.

We first see the pills from our own perspective, not Hannah's. I felt this would show that they are infact real.

Thanks for the read and positive comment.


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James McClung
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Hey Warren,

Apologies. I actually read this and Evil Karma but neglected to comment. Think I might've been drinking, but I reread this one. Actually both remind me of the kind of stuff I was writing when I first started in the sense that it's immediate, tension-driven storytelling. It's an excellent place to start in terms of learning basic drama and dynamic forward momentum. The writing itself is sorta stiff and repetitive, but I appreciate the focus on clarity, and I still struggle with that business somewhat myself.

I appreciate your spirit and positive attitude though. Keep at it. I think you're on the right track. Congrats on getting picked up. Will try to keep an eye out for your work in the future. Hope you don't mind my comments are sorta on the general side, but figured I'd say something regardless.


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Warren
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Thanks for the read, James.

Comments and feedback are always appreciated, general or otherwise.

I'm still relatively new to screenwriting, so definitely still learning and trying to develop a style for myself.

I can't wait to see my shorts come to life. It's all very surreal.

Cheers


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SteveClark
Posted: July 9th, 2016, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Good job Warren. Congrats!


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Warren
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Thanks, Steven. Appreciated..


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khamanna
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Nice job, congrats Warren!
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Warren
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Thanks, Khamanna.


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Nomad
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Hey Warren,

I wanted to test my Gimp abilities so I thought I'd make this up for your script.



P.S.  I don't own the copyright to any of the images I used.


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Warren
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That is AWESOME!!!

I love it, even looks like the Hannah I have in mind.

Thanks for sharing, made my day.


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Nomad
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Warren,

I'm glad you like it.  It's made from 4 separate images that I compiled in Gimp and then added the text and fog.

As far as your script goes:  I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

It's good, needs some work, fun read...etc...etc.

Keep up the good work.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Reef Dreamer
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Hi warren

Had a quick read. I think this is a different version to the original.

Nice flow and quick tempo. Overall a sound short. A few images seemed well used, such as hiding under a table and being grabbed, but it could work.

I felt a little dissatisfied with the end but the twist of the Hunter - note I would have a capital H on the hunter if that's what you have called him - being the saviour is fine. I would almost bring in her having hallucinations early on but suggest it's because of her state - ie bloodied and beaten - which we later discover is her illness.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Warren
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Thanks for the read, Jordan and Reef Dreamer.

You are correct in thinking this is a new draft. It may still undergo a few more changes, that will be discussed with the producer, before filming starts.


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Warren
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Pleased to announce that Hannah's Demons has been picked up for production again.

This time by multi-award winning director Tyna Ezenma.

It is set to be produced before the end of the year.

This was picked up through STS so a big thanks to the reviewer Mitch Smith and Janet for everything she does for all of us.


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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Pleased to announce that Hannah's Demons has been picked up for production again.

This time by multi-award winning director Tyna Ezenma.

It is set to be produced before the end of the year.

This was picked up through STS so a big thanks to the reviewer Mitch Smith and Janet for everything she does for all of us.


excellent!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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Thanks, eldave.

It's all getting a bit surreal.


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Zack
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Congrats Warren. I'll help you celebrate by giving it a read.

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Warren
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Thanks, Zack.

I know you are looking for reads. Anything in particular you want me to have a look at?


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Dustin
Posted: August 11th, 2016, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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Congrats... you should message Bill Sarre as she has made one of his shorts too. Inner Journey. I just found out by checking her IMDb.


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Warren
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Thanks, Dustin.

Yeah I noticed that when I checked her IMDb.


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Zack
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This one was right up my alley. I liked it.

Simple story of a victim being chased by a villain. Good suspense and the descriptions were spot on. I should take notes. Lol.

Dialog was good, though there wasn't too much characterization. This is more than forgivable seeing as this is a short.

My only real complaint is that you tell us that the woman on the phone is Hannah's mom instead of revealing it organically. Nit picky, I know.

Good read though. Looking forward to seeing what else you got. And congrats again on getting produced.

As for a return, anything in my sig is good with me. Final Girl is actually a little similar to this script.

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Warren
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Thanks for the read and positive comments, Zack.

Never have to worry about being nit picky with me, I like to be told how it is and I do the same in the comments I give. No point sugar coating. A lot of it is subjective anyway so writers can take it or leave it.

I had a quick read of Final Girl. I think on the outside they are similar but the stories at the core couldnít be more different.

Lets be honest, the beaten/bloody girl being chased through the woods, taking shelter in a house/cabin/whatever has been done to death. Itís more how it plays out and what twist you add to that scenario that makes it less clichť. When it comes to the directions we took our scripts, they are really very different.

I will make more thorough notes on the Final Girl thread when I get a chance. Probably over the weekend.

Thanks again.


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Warren
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hannah's Demons has found another home.

For some reason this seems to be the script that keeps on giving.

Script has been taken down until the end of production, at the request of the producer.


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Warren
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Some BTS photos from Hannah's Demons. Should be completed by the end of March.

 photo IMG-20170906-WA0017_zpsaesmydhr.jpg

 photo IMG-20170906-WA0001_zpsxfiaglco.jpg

 photo IMG-20170906-WA0007_zps97v8rm7s.jpg

 photo IMG-20170831-WA0001_zpsoit8kcap.jpg


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SteveClark
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Sweet, Warren! Looks good.


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Warren
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Cheers, yeah I think it's going to come out great.

(Behind the scenes photos on the previous page)


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eldave1
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Cool pics - looks like a winner


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
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Thanks, here's hoping.


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Warren
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So I think it's safe to officially call this one dead in the water, which is a shame because it looks like a fair bit of work went into it and I think it would have actually turned out great.

This is another instance where the filmmaker just stopped replying to emails.

Anyway, this was a roughcut he made, it has no colour correction, no sound editing, no final score, it's missing a few scenes and a pretty important voice over towards the end. It's a bit of a mish mash really.

https://youtu.be/FyFaJClz4rg


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LC
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They sure did a lot of work on this before abandoning the project. Odd. Makes you wonder what happened.

Emails usually stop in my experience when they haven't even started filming, or in one case where the entire film was made after the Option ran out and I had no clue.

You never know, perhaps he or she will come back to it.


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Warren
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Yeah it boggles the mind. So much work, and probably a bit of money and then nothing. It's been almost 2 years now so I think it's safe to say it's done and dusted.


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eldave1
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Happens to me a lot. I worked in business for 30 years - I can easily say that this business is the most unreliable one I've ever been engaged with. People stop returning emails is a way of saying no thanks - rather than just the normal - thanks, but we are not pursuing this because...

It's a bit maddening


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Max Ruddock
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Oh man that's so annoying. Baffling too. Back in my acting days I did a couple of gigs that once shot, never made it through the edit.

And one of them involved me freezing my bullocks off wearing nothing but my undies during the winter in an abandoned warehouse too.

Seriously, fucks me off when I think about it.

My guess is the director was more excited by the fantasy of being a director, rather than the actual end result.



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Warren
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Quoted from eldave1
Happens to me a lot. I worked in business for 30 years - I can easily say that this business is the most unreliable one I've ever been engaged with. People stop returning emails is a way of saying no thanks - rather than just the normal - thanks, but we are not pursuing this because...

It's a bit maddening


There is no common courtesy at all, it's really strange. I think if this was my only film in the works I'd be pretty devastated, but thankfully there are good, reliable, and friendly people out there to work with. Some filmmakers have been an absolute pleasure to work with and we've actually remained friends after all is said and done.


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Warren
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
Oh man that's so annoying. Baffling too. Back in my acting days I did a couple of gigs that once shot, never made it through the edit.

And one of them involved me freezing my bullocks off wearing nothing but my undies during the winter in an abandoned warehouse too.

Seriously, fucks me off when I think about it.

My guess is the director was more excited by the fantasy of being a director, rather than the actual end result.



Oh well, good with the bad right.


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Matthew Taylor
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It always makes me think that the filmmaker could be shooting themselves in the foot...

If they do the same thing with all the writers whose work they want to produce (Communication, communication...NOTHING) - Then if the filmmaker later finds they want to produce a different script from one of those writers, will those writers work with them again? I wouldn't...

I have started a Good/Bad list - On it I have the names of producers/directors who have contacted me and then very rudely stopped with no explanation or no "thanks but no thanks" - I won't bother with them next time.

Is that petty? probably... But I don't like rude people.

Very sorry this didn't work out for you.


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Warren
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
It always makes me think that the filmmaker could be shooting themselves in the foot...

If they do the same thing with all the writers whose work they want to produce (Communication, communication...NOTHING) - Then if the filmmaker later finds they want to produce a different script from one of those writers, will those writers work with them again? I wouldn't...

I have started a Good/Bad list - On it I have the names of producers/directors who have contacted me and then very rudely stopped with no explanation or no "thanks but no thanks" - I won't bother with them next time.

Is that petty? probably... But I don't like rude people.

Very sorry this didn't work out for you.


I actually like that idea, maybe we should have a thread on SS with all the names at the shitty filmmakers


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AlsoBen
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Tyna Ezema has also contacted me, attempted to option a short, and then dropped off the face of the Earth. I think she casts a broad net.

EDIT: That was about a year ago. Then she contacted me through another medium (clearly having forgotten our last interaction) asking me to write a short based on her location and cast available, filled with grammatical and spelling errors, because she "liked my work". Being petty, I ignored it.


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Warren
Posted: May 19th, 2019, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
Tyna Ezema has also contacted me, attempted to option a short, and then dropped off the face of the Earth. I think she casts a broad net.

EDIT: That was about a year ago. Then she contacted me through another medium (clearly having forgotten our last interaction) asking me to write a short based on her location and cast available, filled with grammatical and spelling errors, because she "liked my work". Being petty, I ignored it.


The even more random thing is that while it was Tyna that optioned it and decided to make it, it then ended up in the hands of a guy named Rohit Govardhanam. He ended up being the filmmaker and the person that I started corresponding with.

When the film went up on IMDb he initially added himself as a writer as well. I objected heavily and it was change back to just my name.

The whole thing has been one of the more weird experiences I've had, however there is an SS member that did get a completed film out of Tyna, so who knows.



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Warren  -  February 4th, 2020, 8:15pm
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AlsoBen
Posted: May 19th, 2019, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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I honestly donít care about credits and all that - especially if the director does make a significant change to the script - but being asked to write something (Iím assuming for free) by a person who couldnít be bothered to proofread her emails really annoyed me.


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Dustin
Posted: May 20th, 2019, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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They prey on the desperation of writers who crave recognition. I've been through all of this too. Working for free on numerous occasions, even writing two features from scratch. What a fucking idiot.


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Warren
Posted: February 4th, 2020, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Holy hell, talk about rising from the dead.

Had an email from the filmmaker today with a link to the completed film. I was 100% sure this was never going to happen.

I think this was the second short I ever wrote, its pretty unoriginal and I don't think the quality of the story or the writing is anything near how I write today, but it's still nice to see your babies made.

When a version of it lands on YouTube or Vimeo I'll upload it to the site.


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eldave1
Posted: February 4th, 2020, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Holy hell, talk about rising from the dead.

Had an email from the filmmaker today with a link to the completed film. I was 100% sure this was never going to happen.

I think this was the second short I ever wrote, its pretty unoriginal and I don't think the quality of the story or the writing is anything near how I write today, but it's still nice to see your babies made.

When a version of it lands on YouTube or Vimeo I'll upload it to the site.


Very cool - looking forward to it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: February 6th, 2020, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Yay, looking forward to seeing it!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Kirsten
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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I remember this was one of the first scripts I read as a newbie on here, and was very impressed. I'm sure I commented on how this is how you write a script... I really liked that it was fast paced and had a good twist, and it taught me how to use white space and short action lines to keep the momentum in action scenes, so I'm really glad to see it got made, after a few years lol....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Warren
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
I remember this was one of the first scripts I read as a newbie on here, and was very impressed. I'm sure I commented on how this is how you write a script... I really liked that it was fast paced and had a good twist, and it taught me how to use white space and short action lines to keep the momentum in action scenes, so I'm really glad to see it got made, after a few years lol....


I was very much a newbie too, only my second short (now I'm up over 30 and 4 features). I reread it the other day and it is so far removed from how I write today. It's quite interesting to see the change, and a lot of that is definitely due to feedback from SS members.

Glad you got something out of it


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Warren
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Quoted from eldave1


Very cool - looking forward to it.


Thanks, Dave.


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Don
Posted: May 27th, 2021, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2021, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Dude! I'll check it out as soon as I get home from work!


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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eldave1
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I thought overall they did a really nice job with this.  Only m inor complaints - I thought the opening title fonts looked a little odd and a couple of scenes the lighting was a bit too dark - but overall - nice!!! Congrats on getting another in the can!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: May 27th, 2021, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Zack and Dave.

There are so many things I don't like about how this turned out, some really odd choices in places. The font and opening is terrible, the slow pace running, the overly telegraphed fall, the broken glass stuck to the window frame, the re-using of cuts out of order, the extremely badly acted doctor's dialogue (not in the original script). I think it had potential, but ultimately didn't get there.

The way this even all came about is a a bit strange in itself, but here we are

Kinda funny that this is a pursuer reversal script after the challenge we just had :p

This was the second short script I ever wrote.

I know this isn't great, but it's always sort of nice to see your words come to life.


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Warren
Posted: May 27th, 2021, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up, Don. Much appreciated as always.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey, that was pretty decent! I agree with all the points made by Warren and Dave, there are some odd choices and moments but it's always lovely to get a short produced.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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BarryJohn
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nice... VERY NICE. well done Warren! The short move is great!


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Warren
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Mark and Barry


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