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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Shuteye - May
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  Author    Shuteye - May  (currently 1079 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shuteye by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Nubbins Sawyer - Short, Horror - A disturbance in the apartment above keeps downstairs neighbors from getting a good night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is the least of the worries as the disturbance works its way down, one apartment at a time. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 18th, 2021, 7:08am
revised draft
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Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, yeah. This is pretty good. Would really be nasty if it was a high-rise apartment block and each night this… ‘thing’ just starts at a penthouse unit and works its way down. Gnarly twisted theme, best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Tom's bed must be pretty high off the ground if he can reach the ceiling...since, due to his Napoleon complex, I assumed he's short.

I thought you were gonna end this with blood dripping on her face. Still...I like this idea and super creepy twist with something deadly making it's way downstairs!! Really love that twist!

Nice job writer!


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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What's up, Nubbins? Great work here. Love the implication that the murderer is simply moving from floor to floor. Impressive writing. This one will likely end up one of my favorites.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well done


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi writer,

Decent little script you've got here. Well written and an easy read.

Not much else to add.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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I like it - someone/something working its way down an apartment block.

What didn't fit for me was he knocked on the door at the end, better to have had one of them leave to go knock on the door upstairs to keep the loop going - could just be me though

All the best


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Amazing twist here! Liked the idea of a literal 'terror descending'. Great work!



Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  May 12th, 2021, 10:40am
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Oh, yeah. This was great. Low budget and could be filmed all in the same room. So much in two pages - great work writer.
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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Good one, no comments.  Hits all the beats and sticks the landing.

Not my favorite that I've read, but at the same time, I cannot think of anything this script is missing.

Should be at least a contender this round.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Good job. I like the simplicity of this one, yet the horror is very effective. And the idea of a killer going to each neighbor who complains works really well. And a noisy neighbor is something most people have had to deal with, so it's very relatable. Good work!
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, not sure of there is a twist in there, but I liked the premise a lot.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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He can reach the ceiling from his bed?

And she keeps a broom in her bedroom?

Tidy these up and it'll work even better.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, your logline reeled me in...

To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good." there's really nothing wrong with this one. Best of Irish luck!


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Rob
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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I like the chain of events concept. The complainer becomes the victim.

The knock at the door, however, breaks the pattern that has been established. The first guy went upstairs and knocked at the door where the noise is happening. Then he is attacked in his own apartment. The final couple, however, gets a knock at their door. Does the killer knock on your door or sneak inside your room?

Am I reading this wrong? So be it. A little lukewarm on this one.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I liked this one.

Although i was taken back by the knock on the door at the end... now we have a polite creature lol.

A few small issues to clean up but a great entry


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Spqr
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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A rather extreme way of dealing with neighbors who don't like the noise you make, but this a good cautionary tale, nonetheless. Unfortunately, it's rather unrealistic, since gunplay would more than likely be involved, at least here in the USA.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll give you credit for something different here.  Not sure the two stories really tie together – in one, Tom is grabbed from under the bed, in the other, there’s a knocking at Nancy’s door.  In both cases, it feels like the story doesn’t necessarily have an ending, but I suppose we’re to make up our own ending. I guess that’s fine, just kind of wanted to know where you were going with it.  Still, good effort here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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ReneC
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Really good writing on display here, and effective. It took me a moment to realize the killer must have entered his apartment when he went upstairs, but the old lady didn't leave. Seems he didn't put up as much of a fight as his upstairs neighbor. And the knock made me understand it wasn't supernatural either, which was my first thought.

So, yeah, it hints at possibly more interesting directions before it comes crashing back to mundane reality. But as far as murdering floor after floor of people simply because they're more concerned about disturbances than concerned about the welfare of others goes, this one's quite good.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Simple and effective, ticks all the boxes and written well. My only gripe is the killer changes tact and instead of luring the next victim out of the apartment so he/she/it can sneak in they just bang on the door. If that had happened to the first guy, it wouldn't have been as interesting so just something to bear in mind there.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Just to tag onto what everyone has said... fix the inconsistency in the ending (the knock on the door) and this is sure to get made.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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stevemiles
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Nice hook in the logline - now I want to know what’s going on up there.

Tightly written with a satisfying payoff.  The most effective and well-rounded I’ve read so far.  Maybe if it ended on the final couple preparing to go up to Tom’s apartment - as in the cycle repeating rather than the knock at the door?  Otherwise solid work.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Claudio
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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I wish there was more!

The building spookiness was fun, but it may need another couple pages to breathe.

Nice work~


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SteveClark
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Can I graduate?

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Writer,

Good writing, good build up. So-so reveal. Not bad, but not among the best. Good Try!

Steve


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Bort
Posted: May 13th, 2021, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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This started off strong for me and then it kind of fizzled out. I wanted more! Give me the other 5-8 pages of this short.

Writer, I hope you expand on this story and continue it as a full story.

A solid entry.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, everyone. Like everyone else, I threw this together rather quickly and shabbily. But I'm glad people seem to like it.

I understand the "symmetry" everyone wanted in the story, with the killer doing the same thing to the lady as she did to the guy, but wouldn't that be expected? I thought of ending it with a blood drop hitting her head, but I dunno, just felt predictable. And the killer, at least in my mind, wasn't patterning the SAME EXACT mode of killing his victims from floor to floor. To me, it was just a killer reacting to potential witnesses.

But I did put an extra half hour -- which is a lot for me because I'm lazy -- into the 4-page version.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qFRdcfdlVbmNW0X1VXSecwwjh4cdbJbA/view?usp=sharing


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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This is a good one.

Well written and nicely paced. You got a lot into the two pages, and the quality in scripts has largely correlated with the economy used twinned with a clear story and structure, as you would expect.

This is 100% one of the best entries.


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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, I didn't comment on this one.

Suffice to say, terrific job here, Michael.
I would have rather liked the blood dripping on Nancy's head.

Great as is. Looking forward to reading the 4 page version.


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spesh2k
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, new version of the script is up (and moved to horror short section from the May challenge - also moved newer version of Bastard Saint to short horror section).


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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ChrisV
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Nice! I see a lot of potential with this


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spesh2k
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisV
Nice! I see a lot of potential with this


Thanks, CJ! Love what you did with "Bee-El" BTW!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Sold! And purchased by a NYC-based filmmaker, so it'll be cool to finally be on set for one of my films (that I hadn't produced). Thanks to Libby for the review of the script, that's how it was found..

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Zack
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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That's awesome, Dude! Congratulations on yet another sale.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Brilliant news, Michael! And you get to be there? Very exciting.  

So looking forward to seeing this!


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Yuvraj
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Another great news from you, Michael. Congrats!! That goes to show how awesome reviewer Libby is.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Michael.

Don't forget to keep us updated on it's progress


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Warren
Posted: October 7th, 2021, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats!


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