It's funny you should bring this script up as it as this one is back in my hands again after its option ran out. I've given it a 2015 facelift and uploaded it here. Hopefully next time, if there is a next time, this one will actually get made.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of that film, it sounds pretty good, despite the low rating. I watched Rise of the Krays a couple of days ago and despite it only having a 5 on IMDb, I actually enjoyed it. There's some occasional bad acting, the cast could have been better, but the rest of the film makes up for it. I gave it a 7.

Dustin - quite liked the re-write. Just a couple of nit issues:

Quoted Text JASON If you want to keep opening your mouth I have something here to stick in it. You'll need to open nice and wide. Jason grabs his crotch, then sits on the floor with his arm around Cynthia.

I think the action and the dialogue reads better if it is broken up. i.e.,

JASON
If you want to keep opening your mouth I have something here to stick in it.

Jason grabs his crotch, then sits on the floor with his arm around Cynthia.

JASON
You'll need to open nice and wide.

Quoted Text JASON You look beautiful.

This line is a  bit out of character for Jason for me. I think he would say you look very fuckable or something like that.

Quoted Text Kyle throws the game controller onto the floor in a temper after losing a game.

The game controller was smashed up a few pages ago - is this a different one?

On page Page 33

Quoted Text BATHROOM where he brushes his teeth, then washes his hands and face. He checks himself out in the mirror. Needs a long overdue shave.

There is an almost identical passage on page 31 - I would change it up a little bit.

Quoted Text JOHN When did you find out? CHALMERS Last week. Thought it was emphysema... I didn't expect... well, you know...

I don't like the "week ago" here. I think he can get the final verdict a week a go, but I think he needs to same something akin to - I've known for too long. Thought that ignoring it would make it go away. It didn't.

Regarding the opening. It is well done and is needed to introduce characters (e.g., Kyle, Jason). I have a little issue with John seeing their faces - hearing their voices - but not being able to make a connection with who they are at the break-in scene. I would consider introducing them in the opener as you have - but have them send a minion into interfere with John rather than themselves - someone who's going to check John's wallet - get his address. Just a thought.

The break  in and rape scene takes 20 pages. I'm just guessing that you are going to get some suggestions to cut it down. I would not. They are a great 20 and the other 70 revolve around them.

Overall - crisply written - a very quick read. Good luck with it.

Quoted from eldave1 Dustin - quite liked the re-write. Just a couple of nit issues: I think the action and the dialogue reads better if it is broken up. i.e., JASON If you want to keep opening your mouth I have something here to stick in it. Jason grabs his crotch, then sits on the floor with his arm around Cynthia. JASON You'll need to open nice and wide.

Yeah, I'll do that. Cheers.

Code JASON You look beautiful.

Quoted Text This line is a  bit out of character for Jason for me. I think he would say you look very fuckable or something like that.

I like the contrast because I feel that it adds to his unhinged personality.

Quoted Text The game controller was smashed up a few pages ago - is this a different one?

Cheers. I'll clear up that confusion.

Quoted Text There is an almost identical passage on page 31 - I would change it up a little bit.

I like the repetition... but I will change it up a little bit, make it more interesting.

Quoted Text I don't like the "week ago" here. I think he can get the final verdict a week a go, but I think he needs to same something akin to - I've known for too long. Thought that ignoring it would make it go away. It didn't.

Yes, I agree. I think I may drop John's direct question too. A questioning look would say the same thing... plus, when somebody tells you something like that I suppose how long since they've known wouldn't be one of the first questions. Thanks.

Quoted Text Regarding the opening. It is well done and is needed to introduce characters (e.g., Kyle, Jason). I have a little issue with John seeing their faces - hearing their voices - but not being able to make a connection with who they are at the break-in scene. I would consider introducing them in the opener as you have - but have them send a minion into interfere with John rather than themselves - someone who's going to check John's wallet - get his address. Just a thought.

Ah. I forgot about that... the issue with the DVD would be something concerning John. That scene is a later draft. In most of the earlier drafts, they simply broke in without the preamble. Of course, this would be something John should mention to Chalmers, or, at least, be referred to in some manner. Thanks, excellent advice.

Quoted Text The break  in and rape scene takes 20 pages. I'm just guessing that you are going to get some suggestions to cut it down. I would not. They are a great 20 and the other 70 revolve around them. Overall - crisply written - a very quick read. Good luck with it.

Yeah, I think that sequence of events runs for the right amount of time. It should be a very harrowing experience to watch if done properly.

What I have been considering, is bringing Cynthia home earlier, thereby injecting a little more drama. Perhaps keeping Cynthia in hospital is cheating the story a little.

Thanks for the read, mate. Let me know if you have anything new and I'll get to it after the 7WC scripts.

Quoted Text Ah. I forgot about that... the issue with the DVD would be something concerning John. That scene is a later draft. In most of the earlier drafts, they simply broke in without the preamble. Of course, this would be something John should mention to Chalmers, or, at least, be referred to in some manner. Thanks, excellent advice.

No preamble would work - but I did like getting a sense of the dudes before the break in. Just got to avoid a face to face with John.

Quoted Text What I have been considering, is bringing Cynthia home earlier, thereby injecting a little more drama. Perhaps keeping Cynthia in hospital is cheating the story a little.

I like that change - perhaps you could have her walk in the house right in the middle of one of John's hallucinating flashbacks - seeing that he's the one that has gone crazy she packs up some things and heads off to the parents.

Quoted Text Thanks for the read, mate. Let me know if you have anything new and I'll get to it after the 7WC scripts.

Just posted a feature (Taking Stock) - but not sure it is there yet. Am currently working on a dark short (trying to branch out) and that will be ready soon.

I read this in one sitting, which is rare for me as I usually read 10-20 and move on. I get a lot of "Clockwork Orange" vibes in here. I think this will make a really cool indie film - surprised the director bailed on it.

Quoted from kingcooky555 I read this in one sitting, which is rare for me as I usually read 10-20 and move on. I get a lot of "Clockwork Orange" vibes in here. I think this will make a really cool indie film - surprised the director bailed on it.

It's with someone else right now. Just waiting for the paperwork and I sign her over. This prospect looks good. It'll be taken to the US, so rewritten to suit the demographic there. I'm involved with the rewrites too, as I understand it.

Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's with someone else right now. Just waiting for the paperwork and I sign her over. This prospect looks good. It'll be taken to the US, so rewritten to suit the demographic there. I'm involved with the rewrites too, as I understand it.

Good luck with it, Dustin. Hope everything works out.

The option was signed and delivered yesterday, so out of my hands completely now. It's a paid option so it seems that the producer is serious about it. We'll see in a couple years time, I suppose. Cheers mate.

Awesome news. Have a pint on me

Quoted from DustinBowcot The option was signed and delivered yesterday, so out of my hands completely now. It's a paid option so it seems that the producer is serious about it. We'll see in a couple years time, I suppose. Cheers mate.

Wow - super news - congrats!

Thanks guys.

Congrats Dustin, look forward to hearing how it progresses and seeing it in the not too distant future!

I posted in this thread 2.5 years ago. Wow! Didn't realized I did. Time flies!! Congratulations on the option. Hope it works out for the best. Would love to watch it some day. I try to make it a point to watch everything SS members get produced.  

That goes for ajr as well. Hope the one you're working on is GA. You've put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into that one. I'd definitely buy a copy when available.  

That's awesome news, Dustin. Major congrats are in order.

How did they find the script, if you don't mind me asking?

Quoted from Toby_E That's awesome news, Dustin. Major congrats are in order. How did they find the script, if you don't mind me asking?

Dustin sold his soul to the devil, killed ten baby hamsters, and then bit off the head of a chicken while dancing naked around a fire with boy scouts.

Or... he probably tapped his rolo-dex and solicited his writing through every avenue possible which in itself equals even more hard work.

heh