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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Paramour's Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paramour's by Robert Glenn Newcomer - Short, Western - The most popular store in Gopher Junction is owned by lesbians. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format




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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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bert  -  April 3rd, 2007, 12:02pm
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George Willson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Wow, we're beginning to toe the line of soft core porn...

The story had a solid set-up and showing one of the regular customers worked very well to establish the unique little store. The plot was very complete and it flowed with a good pacing, so not much else to say but OMG!!!! at the end.

Found that very amusing, well set-up, and quite the just desserts.

Good job.


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tomson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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OK! WHO WROTE THIS!!

Great format!

I actually liked this. Not necessarily because of the content, but I did found it amusing. Especially the end, no pun intended.

Whoever you are, I think you write well.

Iím going to bed now so I canít continue, but I canít wait to find out who you are and then I promise to read whatever else you got.

P.S. If this is treading in the soft porn area, I'm glad I did not submit my story.
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KenneyP
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Disturbing short, me likes
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James McClung
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. Very original. Starts out very light-hearted and goes dark in the snap of the fingers. All I'll say about the ending is... wow! I'd hate to spoil it for other potential readers. Good job, anonymous.


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Martin
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure I know the author of this one although it's something of a departure from their usual stuff. I really enjoyed it. A slow build-up and a great punchline. The opening had me thinking Ophelia was the heroine of this piece but it soon became clear that our lesbian friends were the true stars. I won't spoil the ending for anyone, but wow! I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

Vivid descriptions and solid dialogue.

Two thumbs up.
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Shelton
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Jeez!  I just finished reading this, and I feel like I need to go to church!

I'm going to retract my statement from the "Great Brain Robbery" thread, as I now think this was written by the person I thought had written that.

The setup with Ophelia was a nice way of showcasing the "items", and the gold tooth character just made me laugh.  I don't know why, probably his name.

Overall, kinda bizarre, but an enjoyable read, and a very interesting spin on things.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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greg
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Oh my goodness...I think that punishment was worse than any bullet to the head!  Beautifully written, kinda erotic how you had the women checking out all the "special selection" of items.

There's really not much to criticize here.  Short, sweet, and probably one of the more effective endings that I've read on this site altogether.  Seriously, that's the best way to end something!

I thought I knew who wrote this, but then going to the end I think my mind is changed...I'm kinda 50/50 on the writer.  But wow, a job well done!


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Martin

Two thumbs up.


way up where doctor...?
anyway, yeah, I dont really have anything to say that hasn't been said...so, i guess I wont say anything


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)

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Higgonaitor  -  January 24th, 2006, 5:33pm
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Heretic
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Oh goodness...

Personally, I would've like Gold-Tooth and Ophelia to be less separate vignettes...perhaps if Ophelia passed Gold-Tooth in the street before going in and he leered at her, something very simple like that, just so we have the idea of Gold-Tooth and it doesn't seem like two...I don't know, stories, almost

But this was quick, well-written, and fun.


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Gravell
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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I gotta admit i liked this one, whoever it is has certainly, gotten the feel of the genre.
The characters seem to have something more to offer, and are'nt one dimensional.

mmmm i wonder who????? 9/10 i rate it! would love to read more.and possibly learn more from this person, am i kissin ass, I think i ammmmm!


You Gotta be Fucking kidding me!††
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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And I did it aaaaaaall for looooove!

When I first read a post about this bordering on soft core porn, I thought; thatís atrocious! This needs to be taken down immediately! Iíd better check it out and see just how bad it is so I can warn the others.

I know who wrote this - Caligula!

Just kidding. This was all in good fun, I think. The scenes with Ophelia were really good. Even conceivably realistic. People are never quite as repressed as they appear historically.

Toward the end I was wondering, is this a female revenge yarn or some male sex fantasy? - haha

As I said, though, it was all in good fun. And it was fun.


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Nixon
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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Whoa.

Very different from the others and that is always a plus. Sort of slow during the beginning but gradually picked up and finished with a great ending.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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herb_West
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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very cool, well set up, with a unique angle. The ending was very effective because you suggested rather than showed. loved the whole lesbian vibe too!

nice pace, well written and can not wait to see your next piece!

Herb
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Mr.Z
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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I had decided not to read any more scripts today, because I have a lot of work in my desk, but then I read the word "lesbian" and... bah... nevermind.

This was great, specially the ending; didnīt see that coming. A very fast and enjoyable read.

The only detail I could pick you on is when you include actions in parenthicals (i.e. when the cowboy checks Geri on p.6). IMO, that should be written as an action line. Other than that, format is perfect.

A very nice and original entry. Good job.


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