I waited a long time to read this, as I expected to hate it. I run from that subject in film or book form.

I'll say it was written well for its type,  and in good taste, compared to the usual depictions.

The ending was no big surprise to me, as I saw that coming from the moment the cowboy went in the store.

This is one subject I never want to write about, and I'm thankful restraint was used in this one. I'm relieved it was short, and that it's over.

Wow, that seems like a good review but then again it doesn't.  Weird, I like it myself but it is not for everybody.Themes are incidental, the telling of the story is what's important. Great job.

-Kotton

Quoted from MonetteBooks I'll say it was written well for its type...

This was written in one week, Monette -- as part of Phil's One-Week-Challenge that periodically takes over the boards.

The genre was "Western", the theme was "a visit to a general store".

If memory serves, he'll be cranking up another challenge this Friday.  You should consider participating -- it's tough, but fun, too.  Check out the "Contests" board.

And, yeah -- of course this story is not for everybody.  No problems there, and I still appreciate your looking and the opportunity to comment.

----- EDIT -----------

Hey Kotton.  You jumped in while I was typing to Monette.  What I took from it is that she appreciated the telling of the story, if not the story itself.

And that's cool.  There hasn't been a story written that will please everyone, so a few lukewarm responses are OK, too.  I'm surprised there haven't been more of them, frankly.  I almost didn't post this story at all haha.

But I'm glad I did.  And I am glad you enjoyed it.  Thanks for looking, Kotton.

I liked this screenplay, maybe because of the word "lesbian" that stood out, but I liked it showing a "Regular Customer" then it got really western, it is also written extremely well. Good use of the topic "Visit to the General Store" and the Western genre

Good Job!

Bert,

This is another well written, well constructed piece. As others have commented, it is just subtle enough -- restrained, as another reviewer said, then, BANG! A fantastic, if cringe inducing, end.

Unlike some of the others, I would not at all have minded had this a more "dirty" edge. But such wasn't necessary. You struck the right balance.  

Well done!

Seth

Hey Bert,

:-)  I've been sitting here for about five minutes trying to think of how to start.  How's this?:

For the past five minutes, I haven't stopped smiling.  I don't know why.  It wasn't a humorous ending, but I still couldn't keep myself from smiling.

I do know I would have lost it if you had showed Jessie doing her business with Gold Tooth, then you had Ophelia walk back in exclaiming "You know, I changed my mind.  I do want to try that strap on phal-..." (stops in her tracks).

I have to admit, for a moment, I thought you were going to go with the Lorena Bobbit method.  I think spinning it the other way was a good choice, though.

I also thought it was a very good and coy use of foreshadowing, having Ophelia notice the strap-on earlier in the script.

Pretty interesting story.  You were right.  I did like both 'Savage Frontier' and this one a lot.  Thanks for the recommendation.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I did like both 'Savage Frontier' and this one a lot.

So you did do the double-feature haha!  That’s funny.

Quoted from rc1107 I have to admit, for a moment, I thought you were going to go with the Lorena Bobbit method.  I think spinning it the other way was a good choice, though.

Check out the post from Michel on this thread (#54) and see what you think of his idea.  That Frenchman is a nutty one, he is.

Sounds like "Meladori" could easily be part of the trilogy, but glancing at the comments (not enough for spoilers), it sounds like you took it way farther than I elected to.  Looking forward to checking it out.

Oh yeah, I did read Michel's comment last night and meant to say something about it.  (I even made a note to check out 'Necrophilia' sometime today or tomorrow.)  :-)  I guess that would be another interesting way to go with the story.

I was kind of thinking about it after I had read it, but Paramour's is kind of like a really sexy General Store version of Zed's Pawn Shop, from 'Pulp Fiction'.

Quoted from bert So you did do the double-feature haha!  That’s funny.

Yeah, I'm not aloud to do any kind of work for awhile and all my accounts are frozen for now, so I can't access any money to play poker, which usually takes up about twelve hours of my day.  Thank God I'm having a writing spurt right now or I'd be going crazy with nothing to do.

So don't be surprised if I have all of your scripts done by the end of January.

- Mark

Ok, errrrr...

I did see the end coming, but only because I read the comments above, all written by people who'd been pretty disturbed by it!

The minute that guy appeared, I knew he was going to "meet the phallus" to coin a (pretty vulgar) phrase.

Definately a strong short script. Dares to be bold... kind of teeters on the edge of tacky but stays just the right side of it, and is edgy because of that.

Well done.

Quoted from JPRoache Dares to be bold... kind of teeters on the edge of tacky but stays just the right side of it, and is edgy because of that.

Thank you for your thoughts, JP, and welcome to the boards.

As far as boldness, however, this one has since been topped by a duo of hardcore Western shorts -- forming a gruesome trilogy of sorts.

If you are a fan of the genre, you can hop over to the Shorts board and check out "Savage Frontier" or "Maledori", both of which go a few steps further than I cared to.  More than a few, actually.

Thanks again for looking, JP, and for taking the time to let me know that you liked it.  I am fond of this one, too.

Quoted from rc1107 Paramour's is kind of like a really sexy General Store version of Zed's Pawn Shop, from 'Pulp Fiction'.

Haha. That's a nice spot.

Quoted from bert hop over to the Shorts board and check out "Savage Frontier" or "Meladori",

Cool.  Thanks for the plug, bert.  :-)

Actually, I just stopped by this thread to make a comment about our little 'close-to-but-not-exactly exploitation trilogy' we have going on.

I figured out a way to tie in our stories a little bit, and still pull it off without it sounding forced.  In the rewrite, I could make Meladori's maiden name Paramour, and, while she's on her way to Lockwood to vent her anger, she makes a little trip through Gopher Junction and says a quick 'hello' to cousin Geri.

Now all we have to do is talk to Pia and see if she wants to tie her story in somehow.

Quoted from rc1107 Thanks for the plug, bert.

Don't mention it.  I will often suggest scripts that I think a specific member will enjoy -- and I have enjoyed just about everything that somebody else has suggested to me.

I don't know why more people don't do that...

Quoted from rc1107 Now all we have to do is talk to Pia and see if she wants to tie her story in somehow.

Haha -- sure, check with Pia.  She won't bite.  Much.  If somebody can come up with a good through-line for all three, there is no reason not to bundle them together.

But the collection will need a really good title...

I actually had a sex shop called Paramour in an extremely violent short I wrote titled "Be My Valentine". I also know of a feature that features (no pun intended) a shop named Paramour.

Paramour and Savage Frontier are already connected in a way by being part of the same OWC. Western/general store.

Btw, my favorite from that OWC was "The Great Brain Robbery" by Martin. It's brilliant, but so many of the characters are no longer here so I don't know how much sense it would make to newcomers.... no pun there either...

Pia

What can I say? The scene description was written well enough for a script of this theme. Also, I appreciate that you didn't take the ending that one extra step.

Being a short, I understand that it would be very hard to expect the characters to be extremely well-developed. But nevertheless, I couldn't help but view Ophelia as a mere plot device, the eyes through which the audience would see just what sort of "store" this actually way.

The payoff, if you can call it that, was easily foreseen, and, in the end (chuckle chuckle) was not really anymore than one short giggle for me.

Great original way to take the contest specifications that week. Not exactly what I would call solid material, but definitely the craziest Western short script I've yet read.