Bert

This was a good read, rather strange, mystical and imaginative with a underpinning of bubbling sexuality…just how I like it.

The Titular shop didn’t disappoint in its array of the odd and wonderful. It was impossible to tell where it was going (I didn’t read that OWC’s theme) I felt just like Ophelia exploring the shop with the same level of apprehensive curiosity.

The amalgamation of the wild west exteriors with the eastern feel of the shop was an interesting choice, it worked great. I love the lesbian vibe off the two owners, a nice twist, like they were half trying to seduce the innocent Ophelia into their world of unknown, kinky pleasures.

I thought the appearance of Goldtooth was a bit random, I know it’s the wild west but he just arrives on in the final scene, felt too planted, bolted on, if you know what I mean. It’s a small criticism, and brief shot of him at the beginning entering the town or walking into a saloon who remedy this, it’s not a big deal.

Anyway nice work, satisfyingly strange, funny and out there.

Col.

Thank you, Col.  I am always pleased when this old relic gets a bump.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 (I didn’t read that OWC’s theme)

It was one of the first ones -- almost ancient history now -- with genre and theme a Western at a General Store.  Honestly, the logline was composed simply to draw attention to itself, but most liked the story alright.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I love the lesbian vibe off the two owners...

Yeah, I was going for "vibe" as opposed to something explicit -- despite the "implied" promise of the logline.  Thanks for noticing and saying so.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I thought the appearance of Goldtooth was a bit random...bolted on, if you know what I mean...a brief shot of him at the beginning entering the town or walking into a saloon could remedy this.

Yeah, I can see that.  If he were to notice Ophelia from the saloon as she passed, and perhaps even follow her, that could certainly work without adding a great deal of length, couldn't it?  A good thought -- and filed away should I ever return to this one.

Thanks again, Col.  I enjoyed your comments and thoughts.

I remember this!  Good story.

Bert is the man.  I remember when I first registered on the board I told myself no matter what I write I'll never please this guy. haha

"Tough cookie" I believe is the word I used for him =P

Notes on PARAMOUR'S


She appears to be a lady of some means given the ramshackle
buildings that surround her.


It isn't any good telling us what she appears to be... you must ensure that you are visually depicting that she is of some means. Comparing her to buildings is also not the way to do it, even in prose.


She approaches a rowdy saloon and casts an onerous glance
inside, but she hastens past.


The above can be done so that it reads much faster, like so: She casts an onerous glance inside a rowdy saloon as she hastens past.


She is heading towards a different establishment. A small
general store just a little ways off.


Again, you're telling us where she's heading. That is not a visual. You could include a shot of the General Store. That is fine. Describe it in the here and now as we'd see it in the shot. See the images in your mind's eye and describe what you see. Nothing more. I won't go on about unfilmables any more and I'll get into the story.


Ok... you write very well... too prose-like for screenplays, which is something I'm sure that you can address. Although nice, it reads like a short story. Your dialogue is excellent too.


What happened to Ophelia? The whole point of her being in the script is to introduce the strap-on... and it's a little much needing a whole character to do that. Unless you can give her an ending which is more than buying a wild west vibrator. Maybe she forgets something and has to come back to the store...

The ending put me in mind of a scene from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The writing goes well but the end didn't do it for me... Get rid of the Ophelia character and the story is a whole... guy robs store, guy pays for that.

Over all I enjoyed reading this... but for a reason that I shouldn't... it's flowery prose.

Hey, thank you for visiting one of mine, Dustin.

Quoted from DustinBowcot ...too prose-like for screenplays, which is something I'm sure that you can address.

Yeah, that is kind of trend in my work.  I am a screenplay-as-literature guy, and I argue for the occasional flourish purely for the sake of giving a little something to the reader.

I mean, I enjoy reading them, and there are other readers that feel the same way. Every reader is unique.  Don't let anybody try to tell you different.  And they will, too.

I used to struggle against it -- but the results always felt artificial, and I was not having as much fun.  And if you are not having fun, what is the point, you know?  

The examples you cite are good examples, and you may even be right.  You can overdo the prose, of course, but I don't feel that I do, and most people who read my stuff when I (rarely) post it up know that is just how I roll.

Whenever we have an anonymous competition, I am always one of the first ones outed.  Not even sure why I play them sometimes  

Quoted from DustinBowcot What happened to Ophelia?

Good question, and you are not the only one to ask.

To me, it plays out as two separate stories.  Ophelia's discovery in the back room is the punchline to the first -- then Geri closes the store -- and so begins the second story.

But, yeah -- that might not be such a good approach in a short.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Over all I enjoyed reading this... but for a reason that I shouldn't... it's flowery prose.

See?  That’s my audience!  

Thank you for taking the time to drop a few thoughts, Dustin.  I enjoyed your comments, and while I am traveling right now, I will try to return the favor before too long.

Yeah I like the flourishes too... and I genuinely think that we should be able to use them more in descriptive or establishing shots. It does help set a tone... which at the end of the day is a filmable.

I suppose I've just been told off so many times about it now that I pay it back verbatim. I've been looking for a decent western to read which is why I popped in. Seems an underworked genre which is a shame as I believe there is a decent market for it. In fact my next Hollywood offering, after this sci-fi I'm polishing, will be a Western.

Yeah that's how I saw it, it started as something akin to a sketch from a comedy show and then moved onto a story about the robbery. You have an engaging way of writing and perhaps you are right in that you should not change that. The spec script market is different to professional writers anyway. I think that all the flowery prose would be edited out for favour of straight shooting (forgive the pun) later down the line.. but I have no doubt that it wouldn't affect the actual sale of the spec' itself.

I think all too often the thing tripping spec writers up is the belief that they need to write fully professional scripts. Although it is something I'm aiming for myself.

Bert,

Didn't know it was you who wrote this until just now when I took a peak. I read it a few months back actually. But why did I decide to look again tonight?

I was standing outside on my deck, smoking a cigarette, when a strange little smile came across my face. I was thinking about a line from this story.

"What in tarnation is that?!"

This isn't the first time that line popped into
my head, or produced a chuckle, seemingly out of nowhere.

It is truly classic!

Steve

Quoted from SAC What in tarnation is that?!

Haha...sorry for the delayed response -- crazy week -- but your little anecdote made my Sunday.

This is actually an ancient OWC script.  The only time a Western was ever named as genre.

At first, the lesbian angle was a cheap marketing ploy for reads -- and it worked -- but it did evolve into a story I am still pretty fond of.

Thanks for checking it out!