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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Paramour's Moderators: bert
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bert
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, what’s up, Doc?  (Yes...there are people around here doing comedy much better than I…)

Thanks for taking the 75th look at this one -- getting that red-ball-thingy -- even if you did spot where this one was going.

I tried not to set it up too blatantly, but there have been a few others with a similar take on the story.  You will find out soon enough, I think, how challenging it is to go from "fade in" to "fade out" given a single week.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
I couldn't help but view Ophelia as a mere plot device…


That might be a bit harsh on poor Ophelia, but I cannot argue that her vignette merely serves to introduces the remainder of the story.  But I do think four pages is adequate to tell her story, and am not sure how much more fleshing out she really needs.

She is the weakest and blandest of these characters.  I plucked "Gold-Tooth" from this story, renamed him "Coyote", and dropped him into my Starbuck Starr series.  Whether there are places for Geri and Jessie remains to be seen, but Ophelia holds no real interest, I'm afraid.

Thank you again for your thoughts, DocM, and good luck on your own one-weeker.  I’ll be sure to check it out -- if not anonymously by chance -- then after the names have gone up for sure.


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sniper
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm-Hmmm,

Don't know how I managed to miss this one, Bert. I mean the words; Western and Lesbians makes this a must-read all by itself.

This had a great flow to it and the story unfolded very smoothly - I also liked the sexual tension you created with Ophelia's visit. Nicely done. Okay, the end was a bit Pulp Fiction'esque but what the hell.

Not much to say here - nicely done.


Cheers
Rob



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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bert
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for popping in, Sniper.


Quoted from sniper
I mean the words; Western and Lesbians makes this a must-read all by itself.


Don't forget -- this was a OWC script -- and part of that was marketing.

Guess who got the most reads in the shortest time -- hands down?

Yep.  It was the lesbians.  So what does that say about the boards....


Quoted from Sniper
I also liked the sexual tension you created with Ophelia's visit...the end was a bit Pulp Fiction'esque...


The story was supposed to move from subtle to raunchy at the flip of a page -- as the doorsign flips from "open" to "closed".

I still think that comes across, and I am still pleased with this one whenever I go back to look at it.  It may not be my strongest work, but there just isn't that much that needs changing, either -- so I like it for that, too.

Thanks again for the look, Sniper.  Appreciated, as always.  


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sniper
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Don't forget -- this was a OWC script

Yeah, I kinda had a hunch. I remember reading one of Pia's scripts (where the hell is Pia by the way) about a Clint Eastwood-chick-gunslinger. Must have been from the same OWC.



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sniper
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Bert. I just couldn't help myself - feel free to erase (or print).




[Bert's Edit:  Are you kidding??  I love it, and am giggling with glee!]


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  February 18th, 2008, 8:07pm
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Pants
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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This was a great read. Those girls really stuck it to Glod Tooth. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'd like to see this made into a short. Very good job!
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stebrown
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert

This was a fun read, but why isn't it in the Short section?

Only thing I spotted which (i think) is wrong. You call Goldtooth Cowboy to start off and then change his name to Goldtooth. Just in the book I read it says you can change a characters name however often you like but the character heading should be the same throughout the script.

You should base a feature in this shop....or just pm me the address haha

Ste


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bert
Posted: April 18th, 2008, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for looking guys.  Usually not too much activity here in Westerns.


Quoted from Pants
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.


Heh...this thread has more double-entendres than most.  I wouldn't worry about it.


Quoted from stebrown
why isn't it in the Short section?


This was a one-week challenge script, Ste, and the only OWC (so far, anyway) that was a Western.  When they went up, Don posted them here.

You will find that several Westerns on here are shorts -- I think Don has a secret soft-spot for Westerns and was trying to beef up this board haha.


Quoted from stebrown
You should base a feature in this shop....or just pm me the address haha


Board member "me" actually used this shop in one of her scripts, that she has since taken down.


Anyways, thanks for taking a moment to let me know you liked it, guys.  I had a fun week working on this one.


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slabstaa
Posted: October 12th, 2008, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Haha!  

Not bad.

I saw the ending coming a mile away, though.

I just had a feeling Gold Tooth wasn't going to lose his head or his pecker...maybe lose his dignity instead haha.

Geri and Jesse would be nice additions to Starbuck Starr, too.
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bert
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the look slabstaa.

Yeah, some people see the end coming and some don't.

I will find a spot for Geri and Jesse in Starbuck -- there is room in one of the episodes for a cameo -- but it is unlikely they will make the cut into the eventual feature-length -- which is intended to be a bit more family friendly.

"Gold Tooth" has a large role in Starbuck, though -- but his name there is Coyote.  I am still uncertain as to whether or not he should actually interact with the girls, but that could be fun, too.


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jayrex
Posted: November 5th, 2008, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

That was a great read.  I love the lines:

JESSIE
(grins)
A little sample, on the house.
Trust me, honey...your man’ll
thank me for this.
(winks)
Or you might.

I don't often read westerns, but I enjoyed this one.

All the best,


Javier


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babentman
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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WOW, very nice. Who doesn't like a western/ lesbo flick.  Probably more original than most OWC pieces out there. Nice job.


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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 31st, 2012, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Robert
An interesting story. I think porn makers would produce it. I didn't read the notes above. So sorry if I'm repeting somebody else, but I think you could Name the gold teeth in his first appearence. Like he comes in and gives a smile to Gerry where we see his teeth. Other than that a good draft.
Hope it helped.



Regards
Jahongir.
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bert
Posted: February 1st, 2012, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Porn-makers haha.  C'mon -- there are lots worse stories than this one, even in the Western genre.

If you are interested, I can point you to two I know of, one from Pia, the other from Mark.  We once toyed with the idea of tying them together into a single trilogy of sexy Westerns.  Wonder why that never came about...suppose we were just lazy.

I will thank you here for your thoughts on "Trappings" as well, Jahongir, but I do not want to bump that thread until I have cleaned up that story.

It was from 2005, a very early work, and actually, from the very first one-week challenge.  I did not even have PDF at that point, and thought I had revised most of that early stuff, so thanks for reminding me of that one.  Still a good story, but needs a good scrubbing, too.

Thanks again, Jahongir!


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Kevan R. Craft
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Now this image is pretty damn close to how I remember Bert's Paramour's Western but only one of the chicks was dressed like that the other one was dressed more conservatively like a lady or school teacher if I remember correctly..

It was the clever juxtaposition (in the mind anyways) of a butch one and a feminine one and the different clothes they wore (or not) which got the heart racing..

I remember this script very well..

You should update it, Bert.. Even consider develop it into a feature.. A feature would make excellent bedtime reading material.. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.




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