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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Paramour's Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paramour's by Robert Glenn Newcomer - Short, Western - The most popular store in Gopher Junction is owned by lesbians. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format




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-------------
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  April 3rd, 2007, 12:02pm
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George Willson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Wow, we're beginning to toe the line of soft core porn...

The story had a solid set-up and showing one of the regular customers worked very well to establish the unique little store. The plot was very complete and it flowed with a good pacing, so not much else to say but OMG!!!! at the end.

Found that very amusing, well set-up, and quite the just desserts.

Good job.


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tomson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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OK! WHO WROTE THIS!!

Great format!

I actually liked this. Not necessarily because of the content, but I did found it amusing. Especially the end, no pun intended.

Whoever you are, I think you write well.

Iím going to bed now so I canít continue, but I canít wait to find out who you are and then I promise to read whatever else you got.

P.S. If this is treading in the soft porn area, I'm glad I did not submit my story.
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KenneyP
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Disturbing short, me likes
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James McClung
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This was a good read. Very original. Starts out very light-hearted and goes dark in the snap of the fingers. All I'll say about the ending is... wow! I'd hate to spoil it for other potential readers. Good job, anonymous.


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Martin
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure I know the author of this one although it's something of a departure from their usual stuff. I really enjoyed it. A slow build-up and a great punchline. The opening had me thinking Ophelia was the heroine of this piece but it soon became clear that our lesbian friends were the true stars. I won't spoil the ending for anyone, but wow! I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

Vivid descriptions and solid dialogue.

Two thumbs up.
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Shelton
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Jeez!  I just finished reading this, and I feel like I need to go to church!

I'm going to retract my statement from the "Great Brain Robbery" thread, as I now think this was written by the person I thought had written that.

The setup with Ophelia was a nice way of showcasing the "items", and the gold tooth character just made me laugh.  I don't know why, probably his name.

Overall, kinda bizarre, but an enjoyable read, and a very interesting spin on things.


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greg
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Oh my goodness...I think that punishment was worse than any bullet to the head!  Beautifully written, kinda erotic how you had the women checking out all the "special selection" of items.

There's really not much to criticize here.  Short, sweet, and probably one of the more effective endings that I've read on this site altogether.  Seriously, that's the best way to end something!

I thought I knew who wrote this, but then going to the end I think my mind is changed...I'm kinda 50/50 on the writer.  But wow, a job well done!


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Higgonaitor
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Quoted from Martin

Two thumbs up.


way up where doctor...?
anyway, yeah, I dont really have anything to say that hasn't been said...so, i guess I wont say anything


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Higgonaitor  -  January 24th, 2006, 5:33pm
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Heretic
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Oh goodness...

Personally, I would've like Gold-Tooth and Ophelia to be less separate vignettes...perhaps if Ophelia passed Gold-Tooth in the street before going in and he leered at her, something very simple like that, just so we have the idea of Gold-Tooth and it doesn't seem like two...I don't know, stories, almost

But this was quick, well-written, and fun.


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I gotta admit i liked this one, whoever it is has certainly, gotten the feel of the genre.
The characters seem to have something more to offer, and are'nt one dimensional.

mmmm i wonder who????? 9/10 i rate it! would love to read more.and possibly learn more from this person, am i kissin ass, I think i ammmmm!


You Gotta be Fucking kidding me!††
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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And I did it aaaaaaall for looooove!

When I first read a post about this bordering on soft core porn, I thought; thatís atrocious! This needs to be taken down immediately! Iíd better check it out and see just how bad it is so I can warn the others.

I know who wrote this - Caligula!

Just kidding. This was all in good fun, I think. The scenes with Ophelia were really good. Even conceivably realistic. People are never quite as repressed as they appear historically.

Toward the end I was wondering, is this a female revenge yarn or some male sex fantasy? - haha

As I said, though, it was all in good fun. And it was fun.


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Nixon
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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Whoa.

Very different from the others and that is always a plus. Sort of slow during the beginning but gradually picked up and finished with a great ending.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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very cool, well set up, with a unique angle. The ending was very effective because you suggested rather than showed. loved the whole lesbian vibe too!

nice pace, well written and can not wait to see your next piece!

Herb
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Mr.Z
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I had decided not to read any more scripts today, because I have a lot of work in my desk, but then I read the word "lesbian" and... bah... nevermind.

This was great, specially the ending; didnīt see that coming. A very fast and enjoyable read.

The only detail I could pick you on is when you include actions in parenthicals (i.e. when the cowboy checks Geri on p.6). IMO, that should be written as an action line. Other than that, format is perfect.

A very nice and original entry. Good job.


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dogglebe
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't that fond of this story.  It didn't hava real western flavor to it.  There were a couple of points that led me to believe that it was Dr. M. as he mentioned he was new to the genre.  Anyway, this story could've taken place in any small town today.  It was a nice dramatic piece, but it came up short in the western department.


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bert
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Finally getting a chance to make some self-indulgent comments on this one.  Frankly, I was a little nervous about putting this one out there.  Glad nobody had a problem with it.

*  The whole lesbian angle was my wife's idea, actually.  I pitched her the assignment and "lesbians" is the first thing she said.  (Yeah...I am not sure what to make of that either).  So I typed it up and showed it to her, and she was like, "Um...that's not really what I had in mind."
*  I cheated a tiny bit.  "Gold-Tooth" is a character who shows up in the next episode of Starbuck Starr.  His name is really Coyote.  This part of his backstory (get it...backstory?) is completely new, however.
*  Hey, Brea -- I told you before I thought our styles were a little similar.  I was pretty amused, and had a hard time holding back last week.  I hope you were more pleased than chagrined at all the speculation...
*  About the title -- plenty of people probably know that "paramour" is an actual word, but if you don't, you should check your dictionary.

Anyways, glad that most of you liked it.  I had more fun with this assignment than I thought I would at first.

The first draft actually took the end a little bit further, but that was edited out pretty darn quick, and I suspect that I don't need to justify to anyone why that was trimmed....



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dogglebe
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Quoted from bert

*  The whole lesbian angle was my wife's idea, actually.  I pitched her the assignment and "lesbians" is the first thing she said.  (Yeah...I am not sure what to make of that either).  


Giggidy giggidy!


Phil

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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from bert
Hey, Brea -- I told you before I thought our styles were a little similar.  I was pretty amused, and had a hard time holding back last week.  I hope you were more pleased than chagrined at all the speculation...


How could I be chagrined to be compared to such a quality writer? Though, I have to say I could maybe see people thinking I wrote the first part but the last part? Whoa, Nellie!


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Higgonaitor
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Phil, that is just about the creepiest avatar I have ever seen, ever (and that includes the Tanuki).  You might scare me into reading pugumentary.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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Helio
Posted: February 1st, 2006, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Bert, man, it was a primourously short script I've ever read in this Westerns! Congratulations! Well written and descriptive piece! How about something like Jessie&Geri feature movie, huh?
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bert
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Quoted from Helio
...a primourously short script...


Thank you, Helio, for offering up your own unique brand of approval.  I am glad you enjoyed it.

But a Geri & Jessie feature?  Probably not.

However, now that I have them, I actually like them quite a bit -- and I am wondering if there isn't a place for them somewhere in Starbuck Starr.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: February 2nd, 2006, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I read Starbuck Starr and I've think about that you would insert Geri and Jessie inside a spaceship travelling throughout the universe looking for trouble...The time of these type of couple has come - Brokeback Mountain don't let to lie!

By the way, Starbuck Starr is another good work written by you!
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Helio
Posted: February 2nd, 2006, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Bert, I was thinking about your two heroines what makes us to realize that Geri and Jessie are lesbians...Just because the collection of carved phalluses? My dear grandmother has many of them and she is strait woman!
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James McClung
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Quoted from Helio
Bert, I was thinking about your two heroines what makes us to realize that Geri and Jessie are lesbians...Just because the collection of carved phalluses? My dear grandmother has many of them and she is strait woman!


That's an excellent question, Helio. I would've never thought of them as lesbians if it weren't written in the logline. What's the deal, Bert?


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Helio
Posted: February 2nd, 2006, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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That's right, James. We do catch him, don't we? What's the deal, Bert? You tricked us?

Wooooaaaadoooo! Bert/Treb/Bert/Treb/Bert/Treb Wooooaaaadoooo!
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Breanne Mattson
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What do you guys want? An explicit lesbian lovemaking scene? -- haha

Seriously, though, it would have been an interesting experiment to see if people would have just assumed it without it in the logline.


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bert
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Quoted from James McClung
I would've never thought of them as lesbians if it weren't written in the logline. What's the deal, Bert?


Are you sure about that?  The way they dress, the book titles, dabbing the perfume behind Ophelia's ear...and there's other subtle things.

I had Brea's point in mind, too.  I think something too explicit would have resulted in some attacks on this piece -- and that certainly wasn't what I was going for.

I tried for the middle ground here -- and only had a week -- and even without the logline, I think the reader would still be, like, "hmm...do you think...?"


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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sfpunk
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Quoted from Helio
My dear grandmother has many of them and she is strait woman!


why do you know this? haha


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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James McClung
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Quoted from bert


Are you sure about that?  The way they dress, the book titles, dabbing the perfume behind Ophelia's ear...and there's other subtle things.

I had Brea's point in mind, too.  I think something too explicit would have resulted in some attacks on this piece -- and that certainly wasn't what I was going for.

I tried for the middle ground here -- and only had a week -- and even without the logline, I think the reader would still be, like, "hmm...do you think...?"


I don't know. It's hard to say whether or not I would've picked up on any of those subtleties since I knew they were lesbians from the getgo. I agree a graphic lesbian sex scene would've been distasteful and probably would've been too over-the-top coupled with the ending... err... conclusion (there we go). But still, I think a little flirting or something of that nature might have conveyed the lesbian bit without spelling it out completely.

Anyway, it's a great script as is. I have few quibbles with it. I just thought Helio brought up an interesting point.


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bert
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Don't get me wrong.  I thought Helio's point was a fair one, too.

But then again, even the title is suggestive, if you "get it".

And don't forget, for an anonymous contest, the logline will make or break the story in terms of getting it read, so yeah, I was putting it out there for that reason, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: February 3rd, 2006, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Here is the great point of this discussion!

Quoted from Breanne

"Seriously, though, it would have been an interesting experiment to see if people would have just assumed it without it in the logline."

Maybe our MACHO feelings did not let us to think these subtleties, Brea, Bert and James.

sfpunk, I new that because her pet pilfered them and went to the backyard to play with them Ė it preferred to play with the Huge Purple one!

By the way, I don't remember who said here when read my script Hell the Last Station, This person thought it was a different thing when he read the title.
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Helio
Posted: February 3rd, 2006, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Answering sfpunk quote: "why do you know this? haha" - because all guys in the saloon commented!
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Andy Petrou
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Bert... naughty boy!!!

LMAO!! Well, what can I say? Sorry for the late review, but better late than never.

Hee hee, I liked this... a lot. I think you write very well and you always tell your stories with such ease. It's always a pleasure to read something by you.

Great little story you got there! Original, witty and snappy too. I wonder how they got those phallic pieces polished to such a fine sheen eh.....????

This was completley different to what I had expected. I didn't get too much of a lesbian vibe though, guess I know a lot of "friendly" girlfriends, so missed some of the subtleties actually.... as I'm used to the "friendly" nature of some of my girly-friends, lol!

It was a good logline by the way, just did the order of my reading another way this time around, not because the logline didn't get my attention.

Good job and well done on the description too btw.

Andy xxx
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bert
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Sheesh...if Andy calls you naughty, you really have to wonder if maybe you've crossed the line....

Thanks for your kind words on this.  I am pretty fond of this one now, and ended up liking it much more than I thought I would when I first started drafting it.

And a "fine sheen" comes from craftsmanship, by the way.

As if I'm the naughty one around here...


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W
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That brings back memories of Pulp Fiction; I feel a large weight lifted after reading that.

I didnít see much wrong with it technically or physically which is a good thing especially since I usually find a lot of spelling errors in screenplays. The one thing I had a problem with is you used ďSheĒ a lot line after line in your descriptionÖ I donít know if this is acceptable, if it is thatís awesome I always thought people would say ďThat looks stupidĒ and stop reading so basically it makes me nervous and I scale back descriptions.

Like people say ďYou learn something new every dayĒ

I really enjoyed this and think itís a very entertaining piece but itís you and I have come to expect nothing less from the guy who gets overshadowed when collaborating. Just know that if you keep putting off Starbuck Starr to do these your audience will revolt, a mutiny if you will ha-ha (Remember what happened to Captain Jack Sparrow? You might be next.)


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Kevan
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Bert

Said I'd repay the read for you kindly reading MORELLA..

Sorry I got to this script late, don't know how I missed it..

I'm glad I eventually read this, it's a fine little story with a hint of suggestiveness that doesn't go too far and the main violence is off screen - hehe - ouch!

Seriously, I love the way you describe characters, Bert, you have a talent there, I must work on this aspect of my own work - yours puts mine to shame!

There's some great descriptions of artifacts, the appearance of same, smells, color and more besides in this script, again hallmarks of a good writer..

The dialogue is very good too, one can tell you've worked hard on this..

I reckon one of the hardest things to pull-off is to suggest a theme within a theme but you pulled this off with aplomb also..

I did see some of the similarities with the ending as in Pulp Fiction, this popped in my head as soon as I read the ending, so it worked on that level too..

Excellent read Bert, and funny too..

I really enjoyed it..

Let me know if you ever consider writing an erotic screenplay or at least a screenplay with some erotic scenes in it, I'd love to see how you write this.. Hint, hint.. (just kidding)

Kev
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bert
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Hey, thanks for looking at this one, Kev.  Most of the Westerns get overlooked, but what's cool about this genre is that once you get bumped to the top, you get to sit there, like, forever.

Now watch somebody read one tomorrow....

This one was actually part of the last "One Week Challenge" -- where Phil chose a Western theme -- it was anonymous for a while, and you might get a laugh out of knowing that everybody thought Brea wrote it.  Go figure.

Thanks for the compliment on the characters.  I like these characters, and hope to use them again in Starbuck Starr if I can manage to do so.  (The gold-tooth bandit is already a character in that story, actually.)

And I have yet to see anybody on these boards pull off some good erotica -- although there is plenty of bad erotica to be had -- I can tell you were to find it if you want haha.

Thanks again for the comments.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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HAHAHAHA, this was great, it was funny and twisted, good job bert, I thought you had a good grasp on the dialog, it felt real, plus I loved the characters, the gold tooth guy(what a slimy bastard), and on the ending, great job, I was laughing my ass off .  keep up the great writing.


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bert
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Thanks for the look, Drex.  Glad you enjoyed it.

You are probably one of the few people that might have enjoyed the "extended" ending -- which took things a little bit further --

-- but it was actually edited out almost immediately haha.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it...


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The boy who could fly
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I would have loved to have read the extended ending.  I bet it was a real hoot


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I would have loved to have read the extended ending.  I bet it was a real hoot


Me too, me too, me too..

Yes Sir, indeedy..

Please let us read it Bert, we beg you.. Please.....


Kev

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You guys....

It was deleted, you two -- not saved.  Deep-sixed.  Terminated.  747'd, if you will.

Should I recreate it someday, I'll let you know.

The gist concerned Gerri undoing his belt buckle, a little more banter between the girls, and an O.S. scream from Gold-Tooth during that final fade -- as the blinds snapped shut.

I thought the scream was too much.


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George Willson
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe a scream followed by him saying, "Oh my God, yes!" Or is that way too much?  


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tomson
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
The gist concerned Gerri undoing his belt buckle, a little more banter between the girls, and an O.S. scream from Gold-Tooth during that final fade -- as the blinds snapped shut. I thought the scream was too much.


That would have been perfect Bert. Ending with the blinds snapping shut. Possibly a scream to make it a little "Pulp Fiction'ish", but no more than that.

Don't listen to George here.
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bert
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson
Maybe a scream followed by him saying, "Oh my God, yes!"



Quoted from Tomson
Don't listen to George...


Yes...it's becoming clear that George has spent a little too much time hanging out with Andrew, isn't it?


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Kevan
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Quoted from George Willson
Maybe a scream followed by him saying, "Oh my God, yes!" Or is that way too much?  


I laughed my ass off when I read this..

The potential for a full-length feature for your script is enormous here, Bert..

I presonally think you should weave this little bugger into Starbuck Star, would be really cool..

Sometimes the risky is where the bold writer ventures and can produce outstanding results..

I know it's not probably acceptable but I can't get this little story out of my head now.. Jees.. I like it too much me thinks.. I really do think you have something very special here and you should open it out and explore some more with it..
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tomson
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Yes...it's becoming clear that George has spent a little too much time hanging out with Andrew, isn't it?

He has been x-tra raunchy lately. For some reason a Marilyn Monroe movie from 1955 popped into my head.........darn, can't remember the title right now.

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George Willson
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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Would that be the Seven Year Itch...aka the one where Marilyn's dress ends up round her ears? And the raunchiness on this thread is clearly not my fault. And as for Andrew, I told him that scene was too much, and then he went and lied to me telling me he cut it down...dork.

And for the record, I was kidding. I'm a big fan of the implied ending...


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tomson
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Seriously though, Bert.

I think you do your best writing when you let loose a little bit.

You've got all the technical stuff down, now you just need to work on being a little more free in your story telling. Don't restrict yourself and by that I do not at all refer to this sex banter here, but in your general story telling.

Just let it all flow and if it's too much, you can always go back and rewrite. My favorite writings so far is Better Days and All-mart. The Farm to me, felt like you really held back.

Just relax and have a little more fun.
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Kevan
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Bert

Tomson's got a good point there..

You're a fine writer with great ideas..

Keep it coming (no pun intended)..

Kev
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tomson
Posted: June 19th, 2006, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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I missed the deadline for the Western challenge back in January by a few hours. Right now I'm tweaking my own script for that challenge so that I can post it soon. This lead me to reread some of the other entries and since we have a lot of new members, is it OK if I bump up this thread? (if not, just delete this post) I really, really laughed at this, not only was the script great, but some of the comments were hilarious as well.

If you are new here and like to read a well written, western short, give this one a try.
I would even go as far as calling this an SS classic.

And don't try to tell me that lesbian western's been done to death!  
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guyjackson
Posted: June 20th, 2006, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to your bump, Pia, I finally have experienced Paramour's for myself.  How I let this pass by me, I have no clue.

Once again, bert shows his "short" skills.  I really can't name a short of his that is even remotely below average.  They all have a good premise to them and usually have a great twist at the end.  

This one really got me though.  I really was expecting something to happen with Ophelia and Paramour.  I glanced at a few of these reviews and saw "softcore" and "great end" so I was expecting to read about an orgy of women, but sadly that was not the case.  The ending was a classic bert ending and ends in that clever abrupt fashion it always does.
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bert
Posted: June 21st, 2006, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from guyjackson
...I was expecting to read about an orgy of women, but sadly that was not the case...


"Sadly" he says.  Do we ever have to wonder where Guy's head is at?

But seriously, thanks for the comments, Guy.  What was particularly interesting to me was this:


Quoted from guyjackson
...and ends in that clever abrupt fashion it always does.


You are so right about the "abrupt" endings -- and it was so surprising to read that.  How could I have never noticed that in my own work?  I do do that alot, don't I?

Perhaps the next time I write a short I will intentionally try to stray from that formula.

I don't know if you thought that comment was "tossed-off" or not, but I pondered on that for a while.  Thanks for the insights there.







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michel
Posted: June 23rd, 2006, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Well, at last, after having heard of it, I read Paramour's. I liked it and found it very subtil. On the other hand, I was a bit disappointed at the end. Of course, the guy deserves what he's got, but my mind went further before I reached the end. Maybe that's my French side, but I imagined Geri and Jessie would cut his-- masculine attribute and turn it into one of their selling items behind the black silk curtain.

Finally, maybe I'm too weird or just too much imagination

Michel


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bert
Posted: June 23rd, 2006, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
Maybe that's my French side...


Good Lord, Michel!  I hope you're not telling me that all French are that twisted.

It's a pretty good idea, though.  Pia will probably think it's brilliant...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  June 23rd, 2006, 8:15am
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tomson
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Quoted from bert
It's a pretty good idea.  Pia will probably think it's brilliant...


I like your story just the way it is.

Just because I had one beheading in one story, does not mean Iím into dismemberment. Maybe a few smashed balls here and thereÖÖ..thatís just life.



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michel
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Well Bert, we are not twisted, but imaginative. This is true we have a long tradition of libertine writers like Marquis de Sade, but in fact, we do say what we think.

At your entire disposal for other "twisted" ending

Michel


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Parker
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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I read this the first week I became a member of SS and I thought I had said something about it but I've just went through this thread and I hadn't. Hmm, well, I thought it was brilliant anyways. The formatting and dialogue is fantastic. I thought the idea was great as well as the one Michel posted not so long ago, but, I do like your ending better Bert. It suits it just that bit more I think.

Well, it's been a while since anyone said anything about Paramour's and I know everything I've said has probably already been said but I'm sure you don't mind getting another compliment on your script. Once I start reading full-length scripts here again (haven't had much time) I will definitely want to check out your others Bert. Nicely done.


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Scoob
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice Bert, very funny ending aswell!

Left me with a smile on my face, unlike Mr Gold Tooth. Unless, he was into that kind of thing...



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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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I waited a long time to read this, as I expected to hate it. I run from that subject in film or book form.

I'll say it was written well for its type,  and in good taste, compared to the usual depictions.

The ending was no big surprise to me, as I saw that coming from the moment the cowboy went in the store.

This is one subject I never want to write about, and I'm thankful restraint was used in this one. I'm relieved it was short, and that it's over.

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Kotton
Posted: October 8th, 2006, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Wow, that seems like a good review but then again it doesn't.  Weird, I like it myself but it is not for everybody.Themes are incidental, the telling of the story is what's important. Great job.

-Kotton


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bert
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Quoted from MonetteBooks
I'll say it was written well for its type...


This was written in one week, Monette -- as part of Phil's One-Week-Challenge that periodically takes over the boards.

The genre was "Western", the theme was "a visit to a general store".

If memory serves, he'll be cranking up another challenge this Friday.  You should consider participating -- it's tough, but fun, too.  Check out the "Contests" board.

And, yeah -- of course this story is not for everybody.  No problems there, and I still appreciate your looking and the opportunity to comment.

----- EDIT -----------

Hey Kotton.  You jumped in while I was typing to Monette.  What I took from it is that she appreciated the telling of the story, if not the story itself.

And that's cool.  There hasn't been a story written that will please everyone, so a few lukewarm responses are OK, too.  I'm surprised there haven't been more of them, frankly.  I almost didn't post this story at all haha.

But I'm glad I did.  And I am glad you enjoyed it.  Thanks for looking, Kotton.


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thataction
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I liked this screenplay, maybe because of the word "lesbian" that stood out, but I liked it showing a "Regular Customer" then it got really western, it is also written extremely well. Good use of the topic "Visit to the General Store" and the Western genre

Good Job!
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Seth
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Bert,

This is another well written, well constructed piece. As others have commented, it is just subtle enough -- restrained, as another reviewer said, then, BANG! A fantastic, if cringe inducing, end.

Unlike some of the others, I would not at all have minded had this a more "dirty" edge. But such wasn't necessary. You struck the right balance.  

Well done!

Seth


Scripts

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And Sweetie XD


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rc1107
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Hey Bert,

:-)  I've been sitting here for about five minutes trying to think of how to start.  How's this?:

For the past five minutes, I haven't stopped smiling.  I don't know why.  It wasn't a humorous ending, but I still couldn't keep myself from smiling.

I do know I would have lost it if you had showed Jessie doing her business with Gold Tooth, then you had Ophelia walk back in exclaiming "You know, I changed my mind.  I do want to try that strap on phal-..." (stops in her tracks).

I have to admit, for a moment, I thought you were going to go with the Lorena Bobbit method.  I think spinning it the other way was a good choice, though.

I also thought it was a very good and coy use of foreshadowing, having Ophelia notice the strap-on earlier in the script.

Pretty interesting story.  You were right.  I did like both 'Savage Frontier' and this one a lot.  Thanks for the recommendation.

- Mark


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bert
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Quoted from rc1107
I did like both 'Savage Frontier' and this one a lot.


So you did do the double-feature haha!  Thatís funny.


Quoted from rc1107
I have to admit, for a moment, I thought you were going to go with the Lorena Bobbit method.  I think spinning it the other way was a good choice, though.


Check out the post from Michel on this thread (#54) and see what you think of his idea.  That Frenchman is a nutty one, he is.

Sounds like "Meladori" could easily be part of the trilogy, but glancing at the comments (not enough for spoilers), it sounds like you took it way farther than I elected to.  Looking forward to checking it out.



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rc1107
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Oh yeah, I did read Michel's comment last night and meant to say something about it.  (I even made a note to check out 'Necrophilia' sometime today or tomorrow.)  :-)  I guess that would be another interesting way to go with the story.

I was kind of thinking about it after I had read it, but Paramour's is kind of like a really sexy General Store version of Zed's Pawn Shop, from 'Pulp Fiction'.


Quoted from bert
So you did do the double-feature haha!  Thatís funny.


Yeah, I'm not aloud to do any kind of work for awhile and all my accounts are frozen for now, so I can't access any money to play poker, which usually takes up about twelve hours of my day.  Thank God I'm having a writing spurt right now or I'd be going crazy with nothing to do.

So don't be surprised if I have all of your scripts done by the end of January.

- Mark


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JPRoache
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Ok, errrrr...

I did see the end coming, but only because I read the comments above, all written by people who'd been pretty disturbed by it!

The minute that guy appeared, I knew he was going to "meet the phallus" to coin a (pretty vulgar) phrase.

Definately a strong short script. Dares to be bold... kind of teeters on the edge of tacky but stays just the right side of it, and is edgy because of that.

Well done.
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bert
Posted: January 25th, 2008, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JPRoache
Dares to be bold... kind of teeters on the edge of tacky but stays just the right side of it, and is edgy because of that.


Thank you for your thoughts, JP, and welcome to the boards.

As far as boldness, however, this one has since been topped by a duo of hardcore Western shorts -- forming a gruesome trilogy of sorts.

If you are a fan of the genre, you can hop over to the Shorts board and check out "Savage Frontier" or "Maledori", both of which go a few steps further than I cared to.  More than a few, actually.

Thanks again for looking, JP, and for taking the time to let me know that you liked it.  I am fond of this one, too.


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Quoted from rc1107
Paramour's is kind of like a really sexy General Store version of Zed's Pawn Shop, from 'Pulp Fiction'.


Haha. That's a nice spot.
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rc1107
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Quoted from bert
hop over to the Shorts board and check out "Savage Frontier" or "Meladori",


Cool.  Thanks for the plug, bert.  :-)

Actually, I just stopped by this thread to make a comment about our little 'close-to-but-not-exactly exploitation trilogy' we have going on.

I figured out a way to tie in our stories a little bit, and still pull it off without it sounding forced.  In the rewrite, I could make Meladori's maiden name Paramour, and, while she's on her way to Lockwood to vent her anger, she makes a little trip through Gopher Junction and says a quick 'hello' to cousin Geri.

Now all we have to do is talk to Pia and see if she wants to tie her story in somehow.


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bert
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Quoted from rc1107
Thanks for the plug, bert.


Don't mention it.  I will often suggest scripts that I think a specific member will enjoy -- and I have enjoyed just about everything that somebody else has suggested to me.

I don't know why more people don't do that...


Quoted from rc1107
Now all we have to do is talk to Pia and see if she wants to tie her story in somehow.


Haha -- sure, check with Pia.  She won't bite.  Much.  If somebody can come up with a good through-line for all three, there is no reason not to bundle them together.

But the collection will need a really good title...


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tomson
Posted: January 27th, 2008, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I actually had a sex shop called Paramour in an extremely violent short I wrote titled "Be My Valentine". I also know of a feature that features (no pun intended) a shop named Paramour.

Paramour and Savage Frontier are already connected in a way by being part of the same OWC. Western/general store.

Btw, my favorite from that OWC was "The Great Brain Robbery" by Martin. It's brilliant, but so many of the characters are no longer here so I don't know how much sense it would make to newcomers.... no pun there either...

Pia
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What can I say? The scene description was written well enough for a script of this theme. Also, I appreciate that you didn't take the ending that one extra step.

Being a short, I understand that it would be very hard to expect the characters to be extremely well-developed. But nevertheless, I couldn't help but view Ophelia as a mere plot device, the eyes through which the audience would see just what sort of "store" this actually way.

The payoff, if you can call it that, was easily foreseen, and, in the end (chuckle chuckle) was not really anymore than one short giggle for me.

Great original way to take the contest specifications that week. Not exactly what I would call solid material, but definitely the craziest Western short script I've yet read.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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bert
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, whatís up, Doc?  (Yes...there are people around here doing comedy much better than IÖ)

Thanks for taking the 75th look at this one -- getting that red-ball-thingy -- even if you did spot where this one was going.

I tried not to set it up too blatantly, but there have been a few others with a similar take on the story.  You will find out soon enough, I think, how challenging it is to go from "fade in" to "fade out" given a single week.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
I couldn't help but view Ophelia as a mere plot deviceÖ


That might be a bit harsh on poor Ophelia, but I cannot argue that her vignette merely serves to introduces the remainder of the story.  But I do think four pages is adequate to tell her story, and am not sure how much more fleshing out she really needs.

She is the weakest and blandest of these characters.  I plucked "Gold-Tooth" from this story, renamed him "Coyote", and dropped him into my Starbuck Starr series.  Whether there are places for Geri and Jessie remains to be seen, but Ophelia holds no real interest, I'm afraid.

Thank you again for your thoughts, DocM, and good luck on your own one-weeker.  Iíll be sure to check it out -- if not anonymously by chance -- then after the names have gone up for sure.


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sniper
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm-Hmmm,

Don't know how I managed to miss this one, Bert. I mean the words; Western and Lesbians makes this a must-read all by itself.

This had a great flow to it and the story unfolded very smoothly - I also liked the sexual tension you created with Ophelia's visit. Nicely done. Okay, the end was a bit Pulp Fiction'esque but what the hell.

Not much to say here - nicely done.


Cheers
Rob



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bert
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Hey, thanks for popping in, Sniper.


Quoted from sniper
I mean the words; Western and Lesbians makes this a must-read all by itself.


Don't forget -- this was a OWC script -- and part of that was marketing.

Guess who got the most reads in the shortest time -- hands down?

Yep.  It was the lesbians.  So what does that say about the boards....


Quoted from Sniper
I also liked the sexual tension you created with Ophelia's visit...the end was a bit Pulp Fiction'esque...


The story was supposed to move from subtle to raunchy at the flip of a page -- as the doorsign flips from "open" to "closed".

I still think that comes across, and I am still pleased with this one whenever I go back to look at it.  It may not be my strongest work, but there just isn't that much that needs changing, either -- so I like it for that, too.

Thanks again for the look, Sniper.  Appreciated, as always.  


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Quoted from bert
Don't forget -- this was a OWC script

Yeah, I kinda had a hunch. I remember reading one of Pia's scripts (where the hell is Pia by the way) about a Clint Eastwood-chick-gunslinger. Must have been from the same OWC.



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sniper
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Sorry, Bert. I just couldn't help myself - feel free to erase (or print).




[Bert's Edit:  Are you kidding??  I love it, and am giggling with glee!]


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
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Pants
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This was a great read. Those girls really stuck it to Glod Tooth. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'd like to see this made into a short. Very good job!
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stebrown
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Hi Bert

This was a fun read, but why isn't it in the Short section?

Only thing I spotted which (i think) is wrong. You call Goldtooth Cowboy to start off and then change his name to Goldtooth. Just in the book I read it says you can change a characters name however often you like but the character heading should be the same throughout the script.

You should base a feature in this shop....or just pm me the address haha

Ste


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Hey, thanks for looking guys.  Usually not too much activity here in Westerns.


Quoted from Pants
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.


Heh...this thread has more double-entendres than most.  I wouldn't worry about it.


Quoted from stebrown
why isn't it in the Short section?


This was a one-week challenge script, Ste, and the only OWC (so far, anyway) that was a Western.  When they went up, Don posted them here.

You will find that several Westerns on here are shorts -- I think Don has a secret soft-spot for Westerns and was trying to beef up this board haha.


Quoted from stebrown
You should base a feature in this shop....or just pm me the address haha


Board member "me" actually used this shop in one of her scripts, that she has since taken down.


Anyways, thanks for taking a moment to let me know you liked it, guys.  I had a fun week working on this one.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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slabstaa
Posted: October 12th, 2008, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Haha!  

Not bad.

I saw the ending coming a mile away, though.

I just had a feeling Gold Tooth wasn't going to lose his head or his pecker...maybe lose his dignity instead haha.

Geri and Jesse would be nice additions to Starbuck Starr, too.
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bert
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the look slabstaa.

Yeah, some people see the end coming and some don't.

I will find a spot for Geri and Jesse in Starbuck -- there is room in one of the episodes for a cameo -- but it is unlikely they will make the cut into the eventual feature-length -- which is intended to be a bit more family friendly.

"Gold Tooth" has a large role in Starbuck, though -- but his name there is Coyote.  I am still uncertain as to whether or not he should actually interact with the girls, but that could be fun, too.


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jayrex
Posted: November 5th, 2008, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

That was a great read.  I love the lines:

JESSIE
(grins)
A little sample, on the house.
Trust me, honey...your maníll
thank me for this.
(winks)
Or you might.

I don't often read westerns, but I enjoyed this one.

All the best,


Javier


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babentman
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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WOW, very nice. Who doesn't like a western/ lesbo flick.  Probably more original than most OWC pieces out there. Nice job.


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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 31st, 2012, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Robert
An interesting story. I think porn makers would produce it. I didn't read the notes above. So sorry if I'm repeting somebody else, but I think you could Name the gold teeth in his first appearence. Like he comes in and gives a smile to Gerry where we see his teeth. Other than that a good draft.
Hope it helped.



Regards
Jahongir.
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bert
Posted: February 1st, 2012, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Porn-makers haha.  C'mon -- there are lots worse stories than this one, even in the Western genre.

If you are interested, I can point you to two I know of, one from Pia, the other from Mark.  We once toyed with the idea of tying them together into a single trilogy of sexy Westerns.  Wonder why that never came about...suppose we were just lazy.

I will thank you here for your thoughts on "Trappings" as well, Jahongir, but I do not want to bump that thread until I have cleaned up that story.

It was from 2005, a very early work, and actually, from the very first one-week challenge.  I did not even have PDF at that point, and thought I had revised most of that early stuff, so thanks for reminding me of that one.  Still a good story, but needs a good scrubbing, too.

Thanks again, Jahongir!


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Kevan R. Craft
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Now this image is pretty damn close to how I remember Bert's Paramour's Western but only one of the chicks was dressed like that the other one was dressed more conservatively like a lady or school teacher if I remember correctly..

It was the clever juxtaposition (in the mind anyways) of a butch one and a feminine one and the different clothes they wore (or not) which got the heart racing..

I remember this script very well..

You should update it, Bert.. Even consider develop it into a feature.. A feature would make excellent bedtime reading material.. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.




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colkurtz8
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Bert

This was a good read, rather strange, mystical and imaginative with a underpinning of bubbling sexualityÖjust how I like it.

The Titular shop didnít disappoint in its array of the odd and wonderful. It was impossible to tell where it was going (I didnít read that OWCís theme) I felt just like Ophelia exploring the shop with the same level of apprehensive curiosity.

The amalgamation of the wild west exteriors with the eastern feel of the shop was an interesting choice, it worked great. I love the lesbian vibe off the two owners, a nice twist, like they were half trying to seduce the innocent Ophelia into their world of unknown, kinky pleasures.

I thought the appearance of Goldtooth was a bit random, I know itís the wild west but he just arrives on in the final scene, felt too planted, bolted on, if you know what I mean. Itís a small criticism, and brief shot of him at the beginning entering the town or walking into a saloon who remedy this, itís not a big deal.

Anyway nice work, satisfyingly strange, funny and out there.

Col.


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bert
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Col.  I am always pleased when this old relic gets a bump.


Quoted from colkurtz8
(I didnít read that OWCís theme)


It was one of the first ones -- almost ancient history now -- with genre and theme a Western at a General Store.  Honestly, the logline was composed simply to draw attention to itself, but most liked the story alright.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I love the lesbian vibe off the two owners...


Yeah, I was going for "vibe" as opposed to something explicit -- despite the "implied" promise of the logline.  Thanks for noticing and saying so.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I thought the appearance of Goldtooth was a bit random...bolted on, if you know what I mean...a brief shot of him at the beginning entering the town or walking into a saloon could remedy this.


Yeah, I can see that.  If he were to notice Ophelia from the saloon as she passed, and perhaps even follow her, that could certainly work without adding a great deal of length, couldn't it?  A good thought -- and filed away should I ever return to this one.

Thanks again, Col.  I enjoyed your comments and thoughts.


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slabstaa
Posted: June 14th, 2012, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I remember this!  Good story.

Bert is the man.  I remember when I first registered on the board I told myself no matter what I write I'll never please this guy. haha

"Tough cookie" I believe is the word I used for him =P
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Dustin
Posted: April 9th, 2013, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Notes on PARAMOUR'S


She appears to be a lady of some means given the ramshackle
buildings that surround her.



It isn't any good telling us what she appears to be... you must ensure that you are visually depicting that she is of some means. Comparing her to buildings is also not the way to do it, even in prose.


She approaches a rowdy saloon and casts an onerous glance
inside, but she hastens past.


The above can be done so that it reads much faster, like so: She casts an onerous glance inside a rowdy saloon as she hastens past.


She is heading towards a different establishment. A small
general store just a little ways off.



Again, you're telling us where she's heading. That is not a visual. You could include a shot of the General Store. That is fine. Describe it in the here and now as we'd see it in the shot. See the images in your mind's eye and describe what you see. Nothing more. I won't go on about unfilmables any more and I'll get into the story.


Ok... you write very well... too prose-like for screenplays, which is something I'm sure that you can address. Although nice, it reads like a short story. Your dialogue is excellent too.


What happened to Ophelia? The whole point of her being in the script is to introduce the strap-on... and it's a little much needing a whole character to do that. Unless you can give her an ending which is more than buying a wild west vibrator. Maybe she forgets something and has to come back to the store...

The ending put me in mind of a scene from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The writing goes well but the end didn't do it for me... Get rid of the Ophelia character and the story is a whole... guy robs store, guy pays for that.

Over all I enjoyed reading this... but for a reason that I shouldn't... it's flowery prose.


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bert
Posted: April 10th, 2013, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thank you for visiting one of mine, Dustin.


Quoted from Dustin
...too prose-like for screenplays, which is something I'm sure that you can address.


Yeah, that is kind of trend in my work.  I am a screenplay-as-literature guy, and I argue for the occasional flourish purely for the sake of giving a little something to the reader.

I mean, I enjoy reading them, and there are other readers that feel the same way. Every reader is unique.  Don't let anybody try to tell you different.  And they will, too.

I used to struggle against it -- but the results always felt artificial, and I was not having as much fun.  And if you are not having fun, what is the point, you know?  

The examples you cite are good examples, and you may even be right.  You can overdo the prose, of course, but I don't feel that I do, and most people who read my stuff when I (rarely) post it up know that is just how I roll.

Whenever we have an anonymous competition, I am always one of the first ones outed.  Not even sure why I play them sometimes  


Quoted from Dustin
What happened to Ophelia?


Good question, and you are not the only one to ask.

To me, it plays out as two separate stories.  Ophelia's discovery in the back room is the punchline to the first -- then Geri closes the store -- and so begins the second story.

But, yeah -- that might not be such a good approach in a short.


Quoted from Dustin
Over all I enjoyed reading this... but for a reason that I shouldn't... it's flowery prose.


See?  Thatís my audience!  

Thank you for taking the time to drop a few thoughts, Dustin.  I enjoyed your comments, and while I am traveling right now, I will try to return the favor before too long.


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Dustin
Posted: April 11th, 2013, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Yeah I like the flourishes too... and I genuinely think that we should be able to use them more in descriptive or establishing shots. It does help set a tone... which at the end of the day is a filmable.

I suppose I've just been told off so many times about it now that I pay it back verbatim. I've been looking for a decent western to read which is why I popped in. Seems an underworked genre which is a shame as I believe there is a decent market for it. In fact my next Hollywood offering, after this sci-fi I'm polishing, will be a Western.

Yeah that's how I saw it, it started as something akin to a sketch from a comedy show and then moved onto a story about the robbery. You have an engaging way of writing and perhaps you are right in that you should not change that. The spec script market is different to professional writers anyway. I think that all the flowery prose would be edited out for favour of straight shooting (forgive the pun) later down the line.. but I have no doubt that it wouldn't affect the actual sale of the spec' itself.

I think all too often the thing tripping spec writers up is the belief that they need to write fully professional scripts. Although it is something I'm aiming for myself.


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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2013, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Bert,

Didn't know it was you who wrote this until just now when I took a peak. I read it a few months back actually. But why did I decide to look again tonight?

I was standing outside on my deck, smoking a cigarette, when a strange little smile came across my face. I was thinking about a line from this story.

"What in tarnation is that?!"

This isn't the first time that line popped into
my head, or produced a chuckle, seemingly out of nowhere.

It is truly classic!

Steve


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bert
Posted: August 25th, 2013, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
What in tarnation is that?!


Haha...sorry for the delayed response -- crazy week -- but your little anecdote made my Sunday.

This is actually an ancient OWC script.  The only time a Western was ever named as genre.

At first, the lesbian angle was a cheap marketing ploy for reads -- and it worked -- but it did evolve into a story I am still pretty fond of.

Thanks for checking it out!


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