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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Double Carnage Moderators: bert
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  Author    Double Carnage  (currently 5074 views)
Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Double Carnage by Zack Akers (Zack Akers) and Robert Skotte (sniper) - Short, Horror - Evil Shall Make Every Knee Bow -- Three bank robbers on the run come face to face with one man's thirst for revenge.  Two families on vacation stop for a bite to eat at the wrong town. Two shorts: Twice the horror - Twice the carnage. 71 pages - pdf, format


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sniper
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting this, Don.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Zack
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Another thanks from me Don. Rob, i love the poster!

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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sniper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

Here's my review of 'EVIL' BWUAHAHAHA!

SPOILERS BELOW

I really like the premise here, the ol' revenge theme is always nice. Sure, it's been done before but I liked the fact that Burt (and Mable to a certain extent) is just your everyday farmer and not some hard boiled tough guy, that gives the story an edge. I also like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel you give it with the SUPER in the beginning.

I think you rushed it a bit in the first scene with Burt and Mable. The love was there, no doubt, but they sorta came off as a couple of teenagers. I think you could extend that scene a bit and really show the love these two feel for each other. It's not an easy gig to do (especially without it getting all sugarcoated) but I think it'll tie up the story better.

The same thing goes for Burt. The way he reacts when he's told that Mable has been killed seemed very robotic in a way. You should make him more human, maybe add a scene when he is in his truck (just before he rams the robbers), where he totally comes apart with grief. My view on him, is that he's one of those strong silent types that likes to be alone with their grief, and if my take on him is correct then I think you should show this.

This will also help, I think, when he catches Megan and Brett. Cos' as it stands now, it is Burt who comes across as evil and not the robbers. Unless that was your intention...?

Speaking of the robbers, I thought that you captured Brett really well (also Meghan but at a lesser extent). He's clearly the boss of the three and - dare I say it - the brains. So very well done there. I don't know - I was kinda hoping it would be Brett who got the royal treatment from Burt and not Meghan (although she should also meet her maker in a grueling fashion). Lenny was a little too pussy for my taste, obviously he was a kind of "voice of reason" but I think you could tone him down a little without losing that.

The last act - at the farm house - needs a little more tempo. It's basically just Burt killing defenseless people and that also makes him kinda unlikeable. I think a good chase scene would work, let one of the robbers get away (for a while). That will highten the tension of the entire act - it's a little too static as it is now.

The gore is great! The exposed skull and the barbedwire is really disgusting - way to go!!!

I think your writing is getting better and better as is your storytelling. There are a couple of instances were you use passive verbs as opposed to active but it's small stuff.

All in all a quick and enjoyable read. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  September 24th, 2007, 8:19am
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Souter Fell
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Well, I guess I'll try to review this as separate scripts.

Evil

I can't say I dug it. I don't even think it even qualifies as a revenge flick, just torture-porn. Basically a long killing scene with a weak plot in front. Here's a couple of points:

These three robbers seem to have no connection at all. I guess Brett would be the brains of the group but it's not much of a competition. Why are the only discussing this bank robbery on the way. Wouldn't they at least plan this out with more than a half a mile warning. And Brett being the one that does the talking? Brett actually says three sentences to the bank staff and customers. I can deal with Lenny being remorseful because it's an attempt at a 3 dimensional character,but then in the next scene all of that is thrown out the window. This isn't even the biggest problem.

Burt is. Burt and his 180 degrees, zero to sixty turn around from lovable ol' codger to Wolf Creek. The serendipidious crash was unbelievable enough, but then he starts feeding people their ears and taking weed wackers to their faces.

This is not a style complaint. Don't get me wrong. Everything in its right place. But the turn is unbelievable especially when you consider how much better it could have been. Instead of dealing with someone grieving, the conlict of revenge vs morality, all the juicy dramatic elements that make up a good story, you have Burt turn immediatly into a totally groutesque cliche revenge maniac who tries to come up with the most vile way to kill the girl. That is where I find this to be a failure. Sorry but seeing that you've been here a while, I hope you can take this critism in context.

Also, typo's abound. Proof read PLEASE. Ex: when you introduce a principle character, spell their name correctly (Maegan). Also, as you proof read, at least read your dialogue aloud. It will help you identify what is just bad.


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Zack
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads guys.

Sniper, I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. No, i didn't want Burt to seem evil, but I did want yo to feel bad for the real bad guys(the robbers). Did you?

Souter Fell, i appreciatte the critism. I understand that the story may be a little hard to grasp considering the ultraviolence in the last half, but I'm confused that you found so much of it to be unbelievable. The car crash scene was totally possible. Burt himself is a very mysterious character. His love for Mable is so strong that when he accidently stumbles upon her greedy killers, he loses it.

Again, thanks for the reads!

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Souter Fell
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Every Knee Shall Bow

I like it. Not the biggest fan of the genre but this was done very well. You had an actual story going on sub plot. I like how you switched the team ups. Dani and the mom, Dani and the dad, then Dani and Lucas. You dealt with the simultaneous action nicely. Just a couple of minor gripes.

What was Lucas doing during the first kitchen fight? Seems odd he didn't hear the melee.

Also, what was the connection between Earl and family and the rest of the town. I thought maybe he was the only food source and that's why he was leading them. If that was so, I would have liked to see something where he's holding back on them with the food situation and then the last scene take place where the many corpses are hung. That would have fully justified the towns peoples turns.

All in all a real good job. No real new territory being explored her but you definetly feel comfortable and work well in this genre. By far the stronger of the Double Carnage Grindhouse feature. Good show.


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sniper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Souter Fell,

Thanks for the read and review.


Quoted from Souter Fell
What was Lucas doing during the first kitchen fight? Seems odd he didn't hear the melee.

You're right. Obviously he would. Maybe the scene in the kitchen runs a little too long for him to stay outside, but everything that happens in the kitchen, the basement and the diner takes place concurrently and I felt that, if I skipped back and forth between the different scenes, then the reader would lose track of what was going on. I could probably put in a cut-scene where Lucas heads for the kitchen and then is interrupted by the people outside.


Quoted from Souter Fell
Also, what was the connection between Earl and family and the rest of the town.

Yes, this wasn't explained properly. I wanted Earl to come across like a tyrant that, mainly because of his two sons, was able to keep a firm grip on the townspeople, and by removing the sons it left Earl wide open for attack. Plus, it leaves room for a prequel.


Quoted from Souter Fell
All in all a real good job.

Glad you liked it.  

Just one question Souter Fell, what did you think about the pacing.? I was a bit worried that it would come across too slow. What are your feelings on this matter?

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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sniper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
No, i didn't want Burt to seem evil, but I did want yo to feel bad for the real bad guys(the robbers). Did you?


Hey Zack,

No I didn't really feel sorry for her I gotta admit. She was sorta a crackhead and a golddigger so I can't say I felt sorry for her when Burt tore her face off.

Cheers
Rob


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Zack
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sniper, heres a review for your gruesome little work(kinda odd that we keep bumping up our own work, but what the hell).

Your script is awsome. I'm kinda embarassed that my script is packaged with yours.  Mine truley pales in comparison.

The gore was good! The pacing was great! The charcters and their dialogue were great!

It did seem to be a little similarr to the Hills have Eyes remake, but that was a good film, so no biggie.

My only big complaint is probrably more on a personal level.

*Spoilers*

I love the characer of Hank! You give no info on him, but way he kills thmom is just so wicked that I had to love him. Why did he have to die!? If you do make a prequel, please give Hank a bigger part! Also, all the other kills lacked th oomph Hanks twist scene had.

*End Spoilers*

All in all, two thumbs way up!

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Souter Fell
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Quoted from sniper


Just one question Souter Fell, what did you think about the pacing.? I was a bit worried that it would come across too slow. What are your feelings on this matter?

Cheers
Rob


I thought the pacing was spot on. A lot of shorts around here race through. This one took it's time, developed some characters and relationships and when it got into the meat of the story, it wasn't afraid to slow it down for the sake of suspense. I would hope that any writer who works in the horror genre (or any genre for that matter) read through this script.


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sniper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

Thanks for the review buddy.


Quoted from Zack
Your script is awsome. I'm kinda embarassed that my script is packaged with yours.  Mine truley pales in comparison.

I'm blushing here, so knock that shit off   or as Earl would've put it: "Flatters get ya' nowheres' boy!"



Quoted from Zack
It did seem to be a little similarr to the Hills have Eyes remake, but that was a good film, so no biggie.

Wanna hear something funny (not ha ha funny but perculiar-funny)? I hadn't seen that movie until yesterday. I'm not BS'ing. I couldn't even finish it - it was freaking me out. The gore was just too much for me. But I'll watch the other half some day in the future I reckon.


Quoted from Zack
I love the characer of Hank! You give no info on him, but way he kills thmom is just so wicked that I had to love him. Why did he have to die!? If you do make a prequel, please give Hank a bigger part! Also, all the other kills lacked the oomph Hanks twist scene had.

Yeah, Hank's a bad mf'er. Actually, I only came up with him cos' I couldn't have Gunther appear in both the kitchen and the basement at the same time. So I invented Hank to do some of the dirty work. And you're right - his kill is just wicked, it's so humiliating to Helen. I'm not even sure I wanna see that in a movie.


Quoted from Zack
All in all, two thumbs way up!


Thanks a lot - glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers
Rob



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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sniper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Souter Fell
I would hope that any writer who works in the horror genre (or any genre for that matter) read through this script.

Those are mighty big words, Souter Fell, but hey...I'll take 'em.

Cheers
Rob



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Bates
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, Zack got through Evil and here's my thoughts on it.

I really don't like pointing out typos, because it happens to everyone, but these are some that just jumped out at me that I feel I should mention. Sorry!

Page 1 - The wall paper is torn is different places - the second is should be in I believe.

Page 2 - You introduce Megan as Maegan!

Page 2 - Brett's name and his first line are out of place!

Page 19 - "on on". u have on twice.

Page 21 - "looks looks" very weak. You need to get rid of one of the "looks"

You describe Megan as "looks like a crack head" I think you should describe her some more. I mean, most people will probably get what she looks like from that, but I just think it would be better if you could actually describe her here!

Page 7 - nice gore when Mable is shot in the face. Very gory and graphic. The visual is just rammed home!

Seems to be that Lenny just changes his feelings on the matter far to easily after struggling before and after the robbery. I mean he was pretty torn up and I just don't see him getting over it that quickly. I think you should play on his guilt and emotions some more before he gets the chop!

While speaking about Lenny's death... WOW! I liked it a lot! His death came out of nowhere! Nice twist! I really didn't think Brett would kill him! So, yup, you got one over on me!

I liked how cold and evil Burt got. I thought his whole revenge vendetta against Brett and Megan works really well. The only thing I really would have to liked to have seen is perhaps a small scene where he sees Mable's body where he can break down and really let his anger take over.

The torture scene in the basement is the best scene in the script. I would have liked for him to have actually tortured Brett some more. Just seems he gets off to easy compared to what Megan gets put through!

Man, oh, man, that image of Megan having her ear being biten of and then rammed into her mouth made me squirm and I have strong stomach! Nice work with that! Then you made my stomach squirm some more when you had Burt tear her face apart with the weed whacker! Your descriptions are really good on these gore scenes. They just rammed the sickening visuals into my head.

Overall, I liked this. It's a neat, fun, quick and gory read. Well done and good luck with this and future writing!

One down, one to go! Rob, I'll try and get through "Every Knee Shall Bow" by tomorrow. I'm a slow reader and I'm juggling this in between writing college essays for class tomorrow!

Robert


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Zack
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bates, thanks for the read! I'm glad you liked it!

Gore is my strong suit. I'm glad I was able to shock you!

The reason brett got killed quickly is because he was already on the verge of dying.

Again, thanks for the read!

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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