This time, we're doing Coffee & Inspiration, a script by Mike Shelton that is being produced. Mike can feel free to chime in and tell us about the production, but not much more than that until we've read through it and had our discussion.

Read the script here.
The thread is here.

If you've read the version on Mike's site, that's a different version from this one, and is not the one that was filmed. So you'll have to start over and read this one if your read that one. Unlike the previous clubs, one request was that we have the forum open for free chatter right from the beginning.

We're starting with the first impressions, so consider that while reading it through. First impressions are important so I would like to know what your first impression was after reading. Something simple like, Good, Great, Boring, Slow, Exciting, Scary or whatever. That may also help us later to narrow down why we felt this or that and where the problem areas might be (since nobody's perfect).

We're going to see how this goes, freeing up the discussion a bit. If you need a talking point, use the topics below. Let's try to start with first impressions, but don't feel limited to that if the muse strikes you. Let's just go, and see what happens.

First impression
Story/structure/plot
Characterization/arc/journey
Dialogue
Writing
Commercial appeal

I'll start... I just finished reading it and I really enjoyed it. I thought the Jill deaths got to the point where they were just hilarious, and unlike the comedy rule where three is the limit, these never got old. There were a few points where a transition (dialogue-wise) was a little awkward, but overall, I loved the characters and Gabe's little struggle. Anyone else?

I'm on page 41.  Should be done in an hour or so.

This is going to be a tough SC for me...I can tell already.  This isn't my cup of tea...or coffee, I guess I should say.

First impression (so far) is very, very dull.

I have only had time for the first 50 so far. Will read the rest tomorrow.

Although my first impression is a little talkie, I do have a feeling it was written to be easy to shoot with few characters and few locations.

I read this script a long time ago.   This was not one of my favourites of Mr. Shelton's scripts (Mr. Shelton already knows this).  And my first impression when the Script Club chose it was:  Shit! I'm going to have to read it again!  

I don't know if it's changed much since I read it but maybe my taste in scripts has.  Either way I'll find out.  

OK, finished.

I'm going to stick with my first impression.  It is very, very dull.  I think most of you already know that I'm not a comedy lover, and I rarely find comedy to be actually funny.  I don't think I laughed or even smiled once with this.  I did roll my eyes and shake my head numerous times though.

As Pia just said, this was EXTREMELY talky, and for the most part, the chatter wasn't going anywhere and was VERY redundant.  To make matters worse, nothing was going on in the scene while all the chatter was taking place.  Someone referenced "talking heads" in a review I recieved awhile back, and this comment now makes sense to me.

On a positive note, I think Shelton did a good job in tying everything up at the end, as in every single character's situation was resolved in some way.  I don't see the point here at all, though, unless it's humor that wasn't humorous to me.

I'll try and stay back so others can jump in.  I will also try and be as positve as I can be going forward.

Ok, Just finished. first impression is, This is dull.

Not a big fan of this to be honest, it kinda dragged on quite a bit. I never really laughed or thought anything was that funny. I wanted to like this because I like some of Sheltons other work but this really did nothing for me.

My biggest problem with this was I really did not care about any of the characters, and if I dont care about the characters I am not going to like the script.

As was mentioned by Pia and Dreamscale this was very "Talky" , I dont have a problem with that, I enjoy dialog heavy stories and alot of my own scripts are dialog driven, but most of the conversation in this script just kinda went around in circles and did not come across as very funny and it did nothing to really drive the story forward.

Best part of this was the beginning interactions between Gabe and Cam, I really liked those alot and I thought they were well written, but it went down hill fast for me when Gabe gets to coffee shop.

Guess I don't have much original to add.  The script was just interesting enough for me to not walk away from it.  The characters were likeable enough, but there wasn't really anything as far as conflict.  What little conflict there was felt exaggerated.  Everything felt too leisurely and relaxed.

I think Franklin getting trapped in the bathroom was probably the most interesting part for me.

This was a well written comedy with dialogue that had that...   well, that comedic flair

Even this:

I’m at the hotel
just on the edge of town.

I thought: Guess there's only one. Tee-hee.

Really well done Mike!!!

Sandra

Ok, I've just read the previous comments and I have to say that I'm surprised. I seriously did find this funny. (Seriously... stupid thing to say ). I could actually see this kind of thing "almost" happening. But then again, I grew up with 3 very much older brothers and sometimes I'd tag along with their friends and hang out in Denny's until 4 in the morning drinking the star beverage of this script.

A lot of senseless and funny dialogue happens at Dennyses at 4 in the morning that's for sure.

The talking heads isn't talking heads in this because it's a script and not a novel and there's plenty of room for improv from the actors.

Tomorrow, I'll take another look at it, but I did enjoy this and I think it would be especially fun to watch on screen and a lot of fun for actors to work with.

Sandra

I just read through this script, and it was the same one I read all that time ago.  However, I didn't think it was that bad.  I still didn't like it and for just about the same reasons I didn't like it the first time. But I caught a bit more of the humor this read through so it made the journey tolerable.  

Since I did like it, I'll explain a little why I thought the humor worked for me. In my own opinion, there are two basic kinds of humor: sarcastic and cynical. Sarcastic humor creates situations where characters point fingers at someone else and make a joke at that person's expense. Cynical humor creates situations where a character does something to poke fun at themselves.

This humor difference is most clearly evident in British versus American comedy TV shows. I've noticed the comedic shows that come on PBS and originate from the UK are cynical in nature (from Monty Python to Keeping Up Appearances). Most American sitcoms, however, are sarcastic in that they make a series of jokes at some other characters' expense (reference The (fill in the comic actor's name) Show).

Ironically, my favorite American comedy show is The Simpsons, whose humor is of the cynical nature, and I prefer this variety of humor over the series of jokes. Also ironically, stand up comedians tend to be more cynical in nature with the sarcastic ones being known as "insult comics."

Mike's script is highly, highly cynical with the characters being parodies of types of people. These parodies are over the top from the writer with the bizarre writer's block to the germophobe who gets trapped in the bathroom because he can't open the door without his wet wipes. Some of it was over the top, but that's the nature of this sort of thing. If it weren't extreme, it wouldn't work as well.

He combines this humor with another classic humor category: slapstick. Where is the slapstick, you ask? Jill's deaths. The first time I was concerned because it was so shocking. By the time she was killed the 6th or 7th time, I was laughing consistently. When the gas chamber trapped whats-his-name, and he revealed Jill behind him in the box also to die, I about fell out of my chair. When she survived, it was satisfying and still funny because she finally was able to speak.

Did it have a classic structure? No, but that wasn't the goal. This was a simple parody of personalities and the tale of a writer with a serious case of writer's block. It wouldn't surprise me if this tale were partly autobiographical in nature.

Quoted Text When the gas chamber trapped whats-his-name, and he revealed Jill behind him in the box also to die, I about fell out of my chair.

Funny you mentioned that one.  This was literally the turning point for me on the Jill deaths.  The ones before felt...I don't know...lame?  forced?  Something was off, and I just didn't care for them.  This one I found really funny, and enjoyed them after that.

Personally, I feel that it wasn't funny enough overall to compensate for the deficiency in the plot.  The problem wasn't that I was upset with what I was getting, it's that I wasn't craving more.  It just wasn't gripping enough for me.

On a side note, you'd consider kicking someone in the nuts sarcastic?

George, interesting little disertation on comedy...and I do mean that.  Since comedy is not a genre I have much interest in, I did find your information to be very educational.

But it doesn't do anything to save this script, IMO.  The "death dreams" didn't work at all for me.  I found them odd and just way too much.  It was interesting that for the most part, every time a new character was introduced, he/she would pop up in a dream, so by the end, every character was involved in the dreams.  I don't think there was a single description of Jill though, and since she appears onscreen numerous times, I find that very odd.

The germophobe just wasn't funny in the slightest way for me.  I actually found it quite irritating that he would be so pathetic to stand in a restroom for hours.  Why wouldn't he just call out?  Why didn't anyone else use the restroom in all that time?  Oh yeah, because it's a comedy, and any of those actions would have ruined the overall effect.

Another big issue I had involved time...passing time.  It seems like this story starts out in the morning, and then somehow ends late in the night, meaning these assorted characters are doing nothing all day but drinking coffee in this little, crappy diner, where everyone who enters becomes best friends with everyone else.

Kicking someone in the nuts? That would be slapstick of the sarcastic variety since it involves a "punchline" (ha, I'm funny) at the expense of someone other than the deliverer. Sort of the "Three Stooges" variety of comedy. This is opposed to Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton in that they primarily tortured themselves. The comedy dissertation is just something I observed as a common thread in comedy stories; they lean one way or the other and most people also prefer one variety over the other.

That's more of a generality though as opposed to a hard and fast rule. Sort of like another observation I had once. When it comes to Elvis and the Beatles, people have a preference one way or the other. Elvis listeners also lean toward Country music or oldies where Beatles listeners lean toward rock music. Not a rule, but a common generality. I listen to both myself, but I prefer the Beatles just as I prefer rock over country. But I digress...

The funniest part of the germophobe was when he was going to leave the restroom and learned he was out of wipes. He'd been so over the top, you just knew he wouldn't go for the door handle.

Now, his staying in there the whole time was more about his extreme character than the comedy. It kept him consistent. And the "deadness" of the coffee shop spoke to no one going into the bathroom the whole time, though it is odd that the owner never went in there.

I did find the day/night transition weird, since it occurred while Gabe was in one of his "visions." In the psychiatry world, that's referred to as a blackout, and in the movie world, people usually wake up from those covered in blood, surrounded by dead bodies, and holding a knife. Then they wonder what just happened.

Jeff, do you find it interesting that our roles are now reversed? I believe I was down on the Strangers while you were speaking to its strong points...