I finished it. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m not even sure who the main character is. It seems to be Gabe one minute and Jack the next. I thought Jill was the female lead but then it seemed to be Lily. Ultimately I think you have to just take it for what it is - a collection of vignettes tied together with a common theme.

I didn’t find it laugh out loud funny. It was a very subdued comedy in my opinion. It did basically what it was trying to do. It just didn’t seem to me to be aspiring to much other than mild entertainment. Nothing wrong with that. It just didn’t really grab me or charm me and I think it was mostly due to the lack of sense that it had any direction to it. It didn’t seem to have any goals as a story. That and the fact that I couldn’t really latch on to any main character.

As to why it was picked to be produced:

I think it was for several reasons. Its low budget premise would certainly be one reason. But I think as far as the story itself, it had to have stood out in some way. There are numerous low budget scripts and the majority of them are turnoffs.

So what makes this stand out above the rest? I suspect it’s largely due to the fact that it’s dialogue driven with dialogue that’s more competent than the average.

Right here I would like to make a point regarding the subject of “talking heads.” Much has been said of newer writers who write scenes where characters engage in lengthy discussions. One thing that gets overlooked a lot when discussing talking heads is the very common mistake of not distinguishing characters enough. Too often dialogue driven scenes are more like a monologue from someone talking to himself; two characters who sound like the same person but with different names.

I’m sure the person who decided to produce this script easily recognized the competency of the dialogue here. The characters are distinguished in both word and deed and that sets it immediately apart from the average “talking heads” script.

So I think it was a combination of being a certain type of script reputed for its low budget appeal, colorful characters that can attract actors, and the fact that, for all its flaws, it still stands out among its kind, that got it selected to be produced.


Breanne

Just finished the script. Read the whole thing in an hour.

First impression was that it was slow, but involving. I liked some of the characters very early on, which is something many screenplays can't accomplish throughout their entire runtime. Well done in that regard.

Nice work on the dialogue, too. It read believably, and each character had a distinct voice to match their personality. I think this is one of the strongest character-driven scripts I've read in a while.

That said, I think there's too much dialogue in certain scenes (pages 28-31 and 71-76 really dragged for me), and this is a good thing because, at 103 pages, the script could use some trimming.

Quoted from escapist Funny you mentioned that one.  This was literally the turning point for me on the Jill deaths.  The ones before felt...I don't know...lame?  forced?  Something was off, and I just didn't care for them.  This one I found really funny, and enjoyed them after that.

That one definitely did it for me, as well, although my favorite was the airborne high heel. I seriously laughed out loud at that part.

I think this thing got produced for a few reasons. It could be done very cheaply, it is better written  then about 90% of scripts out there  and I am sure whoever produced it found it to be funnier then me and the others who did not really like it.

I think this script probably plays out better on screen then on paper.

As far as this being produced...Hmmm...I wonder who Mike slept with to make that happen...

I am SO just kidding...

Though this isn't one of my favourite scripts of Mike's, I could easily see it as a film.  It came off quite visual for me.  I could also imagine someone being very fond of it - like Sandra is - because it does have its charm in places and the dialogue is pretty natural.  So you have someone being able to see it as a film and they were fond of it,  plus you can't easily beat the price tag.  That spells "movie-making" to me.  

Guys, apologies but have not had time to read this yet. I probably will not get time until Saturday morning but will give some thoughts over the weekend. Just so you don't think I have voted for something I am not going to read, just a busy week is all.

Cheers.

I have read about 40 pages (in order, not just random pages in the script) and I will post my first thoughts soon. So far it's... slow but intriguing.

I was going to hold off ntil I was done, but since everyone else is chiming in, I will too.

Like Cornetto, I had read this before, and am enjoying it more the second time around.  Maybe that's because I'm not waiting for something to happen, so I'm able to enjoy it for what it is a little more.

I think it's funny, but  do see opportunities for it to be funnier.  (Although some of the payoffs may be coming up and I just haven't gotten to them yet.)

I think Johnny Boy made a good point (Your first Script Club!  Look at you go!)  about the exposition about Jill in the beginning.  I think it would have been great if that had come out in the dream sequences.  Each one reveals a little more about Jill, and/or Jill and Gabes relationship.

Also, did anyone pick up on a pattern as to when the dream sequences occur?  I haven't, although it's entirely possible I'm missing it.  But that would have been a cool way to move the story along.  

Quoted from mcornetto My big problem with this script is Jack Amsterdam.   He comes in and swipes the hero role from Gabe. He is obnoxious in this script and I don't find him likable at all. He is a larger than life, unreal character, among realer ones.  And he just doesn't fit.

I agree on the first part, but disagree on the second.  Jack taking over as the hero was a big problem for me, too.  However, I didn't find him obnoxious or larger than life.  I did feel like all the other characters seemed a little awestruck by him, though I couldn't quite figure out why.  If you look at what he actually does in the story...it's really not that much.  Confidence seems to be the leg-up he has on the others, Gabe in particular.

Also, I have to disagree with those who want more of Jill.  I think we already know everything we need to know about her.  She's Gabe's ex, it didn't end well, and he's having trouble getting over it.  His goal isn't reconciling with her or making amends, it's simply moving on.  Heck, the relationship isn't even the focus.  His writing is.  For that reason I think it would be really unnecessary to add one more character to a cast that's already a bit crowded.

For why it was picked up for production, I can think of a few reasons. Or at least I'll say why I would have produced it.

1) It's not boring. That's the most important one for me. Comedy and winding plot aside, it wasn't boring, and I can't see it play out onscreen as boring. I believe it's engaging enough to keep someone wondering what is going to happen next since it comes off as random enough to make you curious.

2) It's overall inexpensive with "extras." Sure, it has that "on the cheap feel" on the page when you go over the talking heads and their existence in the primary locations, but the script also has these dream vignettes that crop up for real short, quasi-action sequences that break up the talking heads. These sequences are short enough that you could get one of those locations for less than a day to knock them out, and yet those asides make the movie "feel" more expensive than it really is.

3) I liked it. And since I liked it, I would think someone else might too, and would want to see it through to completion. I wouldn't spend time on crap I didn't like.

I think the JA comments are from those of us who's read The Swinging Sounds of Jack Amsterdam. He was a different character in that one. A very likable one so that's why it felt odd to see him here and be different. When he first showed up, I smiled with anticipation.

In regards to the style of this script, I think it's classic Shelton. Very low-key, relaxed and easy going comedy. I think there are quite a few people out there that like films like that. Hasn't he had three produced by now.

It's also largely non-offensive comedy. It uses personality types as opposed to specific groups of people for its prodding, so it can be said to be "safe" in terms of minimizing offending someone. It doesn't really rely on shock tactics or foul language either. It's just a series of easy going jokes that work well if you're the kind of person to get it. The main weakness is that it isn't for everyone, but hey, what is?

I started reading this script when it was first posted, but I put it after twenty or thirty pages.  This time, I read it through, thinking that I may have missed something that would've kept me going.  I didn't find it.  I didn't think that this was a very good.  For the most part it was extremely unfocused.  It went here.  It went there.  It went somewhere else.  And none of these places were good.  It read very much like a first draft script.

The storyline being that Gabe meets a punch of interesting people whil trying to overcome writer's block doesn't come off as a story.  It's more like a bunch of ideas that flashed in Mike's head that he chose to write down without thinking them through.  For this reason, mostly, the scripts dragged.  And it made that annoying nails-on-the-blackboard scraping noise as it did.  Chunks of it could be taken out without affecting the story at all:  Keith and Vallery's part, in the beginning, wouldn't be missed.  Franklin's entire role could be pulled out without anyone noticing.  And the same with Bum.  Mike, if this was an excercise in writing interesting characters, then I think you failed.

Another big problem I had was that everyone was just so willing to start up conversations with perfect strangers.  "I'm a germophobe and touching things is discussing!"  "Some greasy guy wants me to strip for him."  "I accidently killed my little sister during rough sex."  Why do people want to talk about these things?  Maybe it's because of where I'm from, but strangers don't just open up to each other like this.

The characters, IMHO, were all weak.  Yago was not a villain.  Until you get to the very end of the story, all he does is break a salt shaker.  Pulling out his switch blade comb in every scene only reinforced this with me.  Jack wasn't used to his potential as you never showed him actually singing.  He's a lounge singer.  Show it!  His connections with 'friends' didn't do it for me either as you really don't show that.  You tell us this and expect us to believe it.  I never liked Fonzie, from Happy Days, for the same reason; the show told us he was the coolest without showing him doing anything cool.  The characters of Barb and Del weren't even developed past their names and their roles in the story.  Why not give them quirks?

Oh, and Cam is a dick.

I thought the dialogue dragged a little.  Ninety-five percent of this script was talking heads.  With minor revisions, this could easily have been a radioplay.  I'm in the minority, here, by thinking the dialog wasn't that great.  There was no life to it, for the most part.  Some seemed on the nose.  Some seemed very forced and unnatural.  On page 55, Bum says "Sorry if my apearance has offended... I'll be sure to take a bath the minute I get that water hookup in my cardboard box, alright?"  Very eloquent and educated dialog from a bum.  You have a higher class of homeless people where you are than where I am.  I'm actually surprised that he would even be allowed in the diner, but that's a story for another day.

Congrats on getting this picked up, Mike.  But  I just don't understand how or why.


Phil

Quoted from mcornetto My big problem with this script is Jack Amsterdam.   He comes in and swipes the hero role from Gabe. He is obnoxious in this script and I don't find him likable at all. He is a larger than life, unreal character, among realer ones.  And he just doesn't fit.

This was my biggest issue with the script, too.

Jack is the only character in the entire script without a flaw. He's generous. He stands up for people. He can do no wrong, and everybody loves him. I found that annoying, especially since everyone else we've grown to love seems to have a problem they need to face, which they spend the entire movie trying to accomplish.

Then Jack comes in, promotes himself more than once by prancing around the town with a big, look-at-me-because-I'm-popular smile on his face. That bothered me.

As for why this script got produced, I think it's clear Shelton is a fantastic writer, one who works his way around a story with characters you recognize and ideas you remember. As a storyteller, he leaves a lasting impression on his audience.

Quoted from escapist I have to disagree with those who want more of Jill.  I think we already know everything we need to know about her.  She's Gabe's ex, it didn't end well, and he's having trouble getting over it.  His goal isn't reconciling with her or making amends, it's simply moving on.  Heck, the relationship isn't even the focus.  His writing is.

I just don’t see how you can justify these comments. His relationship with Jill and his writing are directly related. Jill is the reason for Gabe’s writers block. His obsession for her is the catalyst to the story. Even you admit his goal is moving on. Yet we never know why he needs to move on or how he might. The script explicitly tells us when he’s over her without ever showing us anything had occurred to move him toward that goal.

Gabe’s goal was so vague it hardly served as a goal. He had no obstacles in his path to prevent him from reaching his goal so he overcame no obstacles. And then he simply announced that his goal was attained as though it was all just a matter of time anyway.

This story could just as well have been written about heartburn. Gabe might just as well have said at the beginning, “I’ve got heartburn and it won’t go away.” Then he could have spent the entire story meeting quirky characters who offered him all manner of kooky heartburn remedies, only to reach the end and have him declare, quite arbitrarily, that his heartburn has simply passed.

This story doesn’t defy story conventions. It doesn’t have enough story to sustain itself.



I think it’s important to note here the difference between a script written for an independent producer and a script written for Hollywood. This script would never survive the Hollywood development process with so little structure. But as an independent script, it does stand out. It comes off as something Mike just sat down and wrote fancifully with very little planning. It works as a sort of subdued stream-of-consciousness piece.

I can’t see the produced film (without revisions) ever reaching any sort of commercial success but I can see it as a good stepping stone for the director. And the producer quite possibly (probably) has his own ideas to add to it.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I think it’s important to note here the difference between a script written for an independent producer and a script written for Hollywood. This script would never survive the Hollywood development process with so little structure. But as an independent script, it does stand out. It comes off as something Mike just sat down and wrote fancifully with very little planning. It works as a sort of subdued stream-of-consciousness piece.

I'm going to have to disagree with you, Breanne.  Indie filmmakers still look for strong characterization and stories.  This script, unfortunately, doesn't really have it.  While you describe the script as a sort of subdued stream-of-consciousness piece, others may look at it as unfocussed rambling.


Phil