Franklin could scream for help, sure, but that's one of those things where if you do it, you've got nothing.  Your story is over.  I think there are a lot of instances where someone could say that.  Bond villians for instance.  Why don't they just kill him?  Because if they did, there would be no more to the story, or the series for that matter.

How does someone use their shoe to open a door?  I think you'd have better luck if your hand was a hook.

People pull out guns in broad daylight.  It's not the most intelligent thing to do, but Yago's not exactly intelligent anyway.

The dream sequences, I can see.  You definitely have to give a little bit more into those, but they're daydreams.

Is it hyper-realistic?  No, I wouldn't say that.  I just think there's a fair amount of realism in it.  Everything that happens here is entirely possible.

Franklin wouldn't use his shoe to open the door. Too big a chance of him losing his balance trying to do it, and then he's really screwed. I can't see him taking the chance. As for not screaming...hell, he wouldn't want to look like an idiot.

Hey Mike, glad to see you've chimed in now. I agree that I hope we can continue this conversation for awhile, as other SC's just literally died one the author stepped in.

I did not find this realistic or believeable at all. Like Escapist said, it just didn't come across as something that was intended to be "real".  The mere fact that the vast majority of the script takes place over an entire day in a diner, tells me that these characters don't have a real life outside this story.  As you said, nothing is so over the top that it's completely unbelievable, but the feel I get from this is far from realistic.

You said that you don't like the endings we came up with, and you said that it was impossible because Jill doesn't live nearby, etc. How do we (or you) know that?  We don't know a single thing about Jill...not even what she's supposed to look like.  We also don't really know where this is taking place. I know it's not supposed to be "the big city", but it sure sounds "cityish" to me.  It's a diner with characters walking by outside, which sounds like a city to me.  You did mention Pittsburgh, I think, so I assumed somewhere in the midwest, but really couldn't pciture much in terms of proximity.

I do understand that sincie this is a done deal, you wouldn't want to mess with it.  Could you give us some background on what the deal is with this being "produced"?  Where in the process are you?  Will this show up on LifeTime as a movie of the week kind of thing?  Any talent cast already?  Who is Lakeside?

If I might comment on the characters' lives...

Gabe is a writer in some capacity, and he's doing his job. He can spend all day in a diner. Cam isn't there all day, nor is anyone else except (gasp!) the people who work there. The others come and go throughout because they do have other things to do.

Quoted from Dreamscale You said that you don't like the endings we came up with, and you said that it was impossible because Jill doesn't live nearby, etc. How do we (or you) know that?  We don't know a single thing about Jill...not even what she's supposed to look like.  W also don't really know where this is taking place. I know it's not supposed to be "the big city", but ti sure sounds "cityish" to me.  It's a diner with charcaters walking by outside, which sounds like a city to me.  You did mention Pittsburgh, I think, so I assumed somewhere in the midwest, but really couldn't pciture much in terms of proximity.

This is said in the script.  "She's gone, and we live here now."  Gabe and Cam moved away from the "big city" and Jill to this smaller city.  I never explicitly say where it is because it doesn't matter.  It could be Boise, ID, it could be Des Moines, IA.  It's just a small scale city.  It's the same reason I never gave overly in depth descriptions of the characters.  Whether or not Jill is a blond or brunette is irrelevant.  A case could be made over whether or not she's attractive, but there's got to be something to her if she keeps popping into Gabe's head.

I mentioned Pittsburgh, because that's where Jill is from, but she moved to this new place as well.

Quoted from Dreamscale I do understand that sicnie this is a done dealyou wouldn't want to mess with it.  Could you give us some backgroun on what the deal is with this being "produced"?  Where in the process are you?  Will this show up on LifeTime as a movie of the week kind of thing?  Any talent cast already?  Who is Lakeside?

The deal with this being produced is that I handled it very much like a short film.  It's being produced in conjunction with a group associated with Salisbury University in Maryland, and I still own the rights to it.  The first cut has been completed, and the final cut should be done very soon.  Once I see it, I will be able to decide whether I want to sign over the rights and try to take the film out for distrubution, or bury it and begin discussions with another producer who's waiting in the wings and asked me to get back to him if they "f*ck it up."

This will not be a Lifetime movie of the week.  Too much language, and I don't think an indentured servant stripper would play too well with the female empowerment demographic.

Lakewood is a friend of mine.

Good info.  Where did the LifeTime channel stuff come from?  Did someone make that up?

So, Gabe and Cam moved away, or Jill moved away?  Is this diner near where gabe and Cam live?

I’ve just checked your IMDB page and only just noticed Jack Amsterdam has his own movie in production. A lot of the past comments are only now making sense!

I do like how you can write a comedy without relying on bad language and loads of sex jokes. It is something I will never be able to do but something you are obviously very good at.

Realism was an issue for me but it’s a comedy, so it isn’t going to ruin the movie. I liked Franklin. He was my favorite character. I just think the movie would have been so much better if you had more characters in situations like this. Instead, you have Bum, who sits and does nothing at all.

Quoted from Dreamscale Good info.  Where did the LifeTime channel stuff come from?  Did someone make that up? So, Gabe and Cam moved away, or Jill moved away?  Is this diner near where gabe and Cam live?

One of the scripts suggested was a Lifetime movie.  How that got attributed to me, I have no idea.

Gabe and Cam moved away.  Yes, it's near them.  Easily accesible by bicycle.

Quoted from Brian M I do like how you can write a comedy without relying on bad language and loads of sex jokes. It is something I will never be able to do but something you are obviously very good at.

I think most of my comedy is somewhat downplayed and subtle.  Yes, I have written things that have gone the way of sex jokes, but it's not normally what I do.  I suppose it all revolves around the concept.

Quoted from Brian M Realism was an issue for me but it�s a comedy, so it isn�t going to ruin the movie. I liked Franklin. He was my favorite character. I just think the movie would have been so much better if you had more characters in situations like this. Instead, you have Bum, who sits and does nothing at all.

True, Bum doesn't serve as much purpose as the other characters here, but I even made fun of that a little bit when he showed up in the dream.  He couldn't understand what he was doing there either.  He was just a random person that frequents the coffee shop.

Thank you Mike for your insight.

You especially give good insight and advice in the rewrites department which is why I like to keep things fresh and cycle things around.

There comes a point I think, especially as you become more experienced, where you know something is as good as it's going to get for any particular project in a typical time frame and that time frame is very subjective. It's just good writing hygiene I think to always keep things fresh, cycle works in some kind of turn, and finish work that is important to you even if it's not "finished" in the sense of being "perfect" because there isn't such a thing, but there is such a thing as knowing when you've spent too long on the same thing.

Regarding Jill showing up:

I  understand that that's just not in this story. It is an interesting idea, but it doesn't matter because that's not what happened after all is it?

Regarding the title;

Like I said, the title is one of the things that caught my attention immediately.

Sandra

I think Jill showing up is perfectly reasonable when it comes to this story. Yes it is stated that Gabe and Cam moved out of the big city but you never stated how far they moved, they could have been 30 minutes away or 20 hours away. If Jill still had feelings for Gabe it is perfectly reasonable for her to be able to find him unless he has moved very far away which is not clarified in the script as is.

But like you said Shelton since this has gotten a bunch of attention already and is actually getting produced there is no point in arguing about rewrites that will never nor need to ever happen.

I do agree with many that this has sort of a lighthearted cartoony feel, with that said I do get the sense it is pretty realistic as far as Comedy goes.

My two biggest gripes with this as far as the story is that Gabe our main character is the lamest character in the entire story and the ending, the ending is Just very lackluster for me.

I can see how some may like this script alot, like I said before comedy is in the eye of the beholder in alot of cases. I did not find this funny but it is so well written that I am sure some thought this was hilarious.

I would be curious to see how this plays out on the screen because I have a feeling I may enjoy it more that way.

Quoted from YaBoyTopher I think Jill showing up is perfectly reasonable when it comes to this story. Yes it is stated that Gabe and Cam moved out of the big city but you never stated how far they moved, they could have been 30 minutes away or 20 hours away. If Jill still had feelings for Gabe it is perfectly reasonable for her to be able to find him unless he has moved very far away which is not clarified in the script as is.

What you're saying makes sense, but in order for it to be achieved, there would have to be some kind of inkling that Jill does still have feelings for Gabe.  As it is, she's just gone.  It's definitely more on the side that she doesn't.  As far as how far away they go, you're right, it's not explicitly said.  All you know is that they've moved far enough away so that he could forget about her.

Quoted from YaBoyTopher My two biggest gripes with this as far as the story is that Gabe our main character is the lamest character in the entire story and the ending, the ending is Just very lackluster for me.

Those gripes are justified.  Gabe is a pretty passive character, and it's quite odd that the conflict is totally in his mind.  This is usually something that is secondary.  A flaw if you will, that prevents them from overcoming the external conflict.  Since there's no external conflict in this script, for him anyway, it takes the story in an entirely different direction than what is accepted.

As was said before, there is a version of this on my website, and in that one the ending goes in a pretty different direction.  The gist of it is that Gabe is watching this thing unfold, and writing in his notebook on a subconcious level.  As he comes out of it, he realizes that he may be willing some of these things to happen, as the scene with Yago and the "car salesmen" plays out exactly as he'd written it in his notebook beforehand.  Now there's nothing new and innovative about that at all, but it's something different, and was the result of some feedback from a previously interested party.

I personally do think it's silly to bring Jill back into the script at the end, she doesn't belong there.  But I also think the Jillsplat ending is a good one for the script.  It's not "real" but then again the rest of the script isn't either.  

When you think about, Jill isn't really a part of the story.  It's that breakup between her and Gabe that moves the story along.  She more of a prop than a character.


Phil

Quoted from mcornetto I personally do think it's silly to bring Jill back into the script at the end, she doesn't belong there.  But I also think the Jillsplat ending is a good one for the script.  It's not "real" but then again the rest of the script isn't either.

Interesting.  Wouldn't a Jillsplat at the end bring her into reality though?  Or are you saying she should pop up in his head again and he's not actually "cured"?

Quoted from dogglebe When you think about, Jill isn't really a part of the story. It's that breakup between her and Gabe that moves the story along.  She more of a prop than a character.

She's part of my story, but not Gabe's.  There, she's the anti-story, whose only function is to screw him up.

Quoted from Shelton Interesting.  Wouldn't a Jillsplat at the end bring her into reality though?  Or are you saying she should pop up in his head again and he's not actually "cured"?

I'm saying it doesn't really matter that it doesn't makes sense in "reality" because somehow it just fits the ending, as a matter of fact I would almost go as far as saying it's the perfect ending for this script.  I don't think you really need to specify whether Gabe is dreaming or not.  As someone suggested earlier, no one in the coffee shop even needs to notice her crossing that street - it's just for the audience.