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Before The End Of The World by David Gonzalez (Philostrate) writing as James J. Brooks - Short, RomCom - Two best friends discover they are in love minutes before the world ends. 6 pages - pdf format
pg. 3 - I found Billy gasping at Gina’s beauty a little too cheesy. Would add a line of dialogue from Billy instead. pg. 5 - I love the twist!
This was an entertaining read that flew by quickly, with zippy, believable dialogue. Starts off very romantic then drifts into comedic territory. Very well-done.
I could quibble but where would the fun be in that.
Very enjoyable and it made me chuckle. Nice line re Coldplay. I still love their music though. I would have liked a little more feeling in the radio announcer's V.O. And I think you should spell out K-U-N-T FM radio this way, but hey, I'm just glad that wasn't an indication things were going to detour into smut-land.
Okay, I quibbled a little bit. Heartfelt, funny, enjoyable. Thank you, Writer.
P.S. I wonder if Something About Mary was the inspiration for that final scene.
So, I'd say what we have here is a sketch...a comedy sketch.
There's so little going on, it's a super fast read, so I didn't take notes as I went, but I know what jumped out at me...
Wrylies...WAY too many. Not sure what's going on this OWC, but everyone seems to be wrylie obsessed!
Also, writing is awkward at times.
Don't like the use of KUNT for the radio station.
Is the "red coupe" the same as "car"?
Story-wise, it really can't be taken remotely seriously, because if the premise was real, what are these 2 friends doing in this car in the first place? Fuck, it doesn't matter.
You ended on a different note than I would have, but some may like it. If it were me, the final lines would be...
BILLY - So, you really love me?
GINA - Well, to be honest, I just wanted to get fucked one last time before I died, and you were my only hope,
KUNT FM threw me - Didn't like it - You have spelt it with a K in some attempt to throw it off the word it sounds like, but you have put it in dialogue so makes no difference.
Anyway... story
Very tongue in cheek - None of it is to be taken seriously, and once I realised that, I enjoyed it more.
I can see people finding this funny, and I wasn't actually expecting the ending.
It was alright - Not gonna be up their with my favourites I don't think.
It definitely had the comedy element. Not sure it was the romantic type of comedy. More a “Superbad” guy trying to get in the gril’s Pants kind of comed, with an element of “There’s Something about Mary” penis in the zipper thrown in.
Still, it was a fun, easy-breezy kind of script and an enjoyable read. Good job.
Best, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
This was a silly script and can be pretty goofy if filmed and acted right. It feels like a familiar premise, kind of like a side short for "Seeking A Friend For The End oF the World" except everyone lives. Like Jeff said, it's like a comedy sketch and I think it would be fairly feasible to film, and even moreso either as a live-action or an animation, I can see it working both ways. The only real quip I have is the very end. I would nix out the last two lines and just end it with describing Billy screaming in the description (and to make it even sillier, have a flock of birds poof out from some trees when he screams). Good job.
Don't like the call letters for the radio station -- it makes the tone of the story a bit too tawdry and vulgar.
For the announcer's "final" song, how about Elvis Costello's "Waiting For The End Of The World"? (At least it would indicate this jock, who should be a bit more emotional about the whole thing, has a sense of humor.) And Billy's problems setting things up for romance conjures up "the safety belt that wouldn't budge" in Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place To Go."
Loved the "false alarm" ending. Short and kinda sweet.