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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13848 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from grademan
I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two.

Here's the synopsis:

The Prince of Coal

Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.  

It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got:

Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Gary



When the real Santa loses his Christmas spirit, his assistant mistakenly hires Darth Santa, a bitter man whose Christmases only resulted in a mountain of coal.

Gary, you think you've got a lot to boil down, Tommy's read my wip and it's a doozie.  

We'll see what I can do with it before the 21st though.

Currently this is my logline:

A funny grief counselor writes her own true story to help a grieving child; yet when she meets The Stranger, she learns her fate is out of her control due to the Magic of Letters.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Much better Santa er, Sandra,

Thanks!

Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters.

Gary
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from grademan
Much better Santa er, Sandra,

Thanks!

Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters.

Gary


I myself was wondering whether I should cut off at out of her control and leave it at that, since I really don't need the last part since it's in the title.

I'm siding with cutting it since you've mentioned exactly what I was feeling nudging at me. Thank you Gary.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Hey guys, another idea/logline came to me last night, and I'd just like to see if it catches anyone else's attention. Thanks, in advance.

"What the Hell is Mark 12 78?"

Housebreakers torture a family and demand they sacrifice their own child to save themselves.


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grademan
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Whose children must be sacrificed?

Housebreakers? How about home invaders?

I don't see a connection between the title and the log.

During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)
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cloroxmartini
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.


What foe does right-wing FBI oppose? What common enemy will bring the two together?

A veteran cop is partnered with a young homicidal cop. Both having one thing in common, hating working in pairs. Now they must learn to work with one and other to stop a gang of drug smugglers


Veteran cop = Murtough.

Homicidal cop = Riggs.

Movie = Lethal Weapon.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from steven8
Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.


I'm terrible with politics, but I thought I'd offer this:

Right and Left wing FBI agents enter turbulence when one desires academia over the old and rigid rules they know as FBI-Y.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm hoping that I will get a couple of suggestions for improvement on my logline for my 7wc after a couple of people have read it. I truly suck at those. Not to mention synopsises. Crap! I can't even spell!!

"At the rundown hospital of St. Mary’s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."  


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mcornetto
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
"At the rundown hospital of St. Mary�s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."


Twas the night before Christmas and all through St Mary's,
Santa is horny so the women are wary,
a trio of nurses provide invasive care,
all witnessed by a young girl we are not sure is there.  
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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MC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I use it??

PERFECT!!!


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mcornetto
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Of course you can use it.  Glad you liked it.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 21st, 2009, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from grademan
Whose children must be sacrificed?

Housebreakers? How about home invaders?

I don't see a connection between the title and the log.

During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)


I know. It's a bad logline, but I think the idea itself will be ok as a short.

I like home invaders. Works well, too.

Title's a reference to the Bible.

And, the "something like that" works fine for me.

Thanks, Grademan.


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ajr
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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*raises hand*

Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline...

"A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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mcornetto
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
*raises hand*

Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline...

"A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."



That isn't a bad logline Anthony.  I would try using a different sort of action than deal.  Deal sounds kind of uneventful. I'm making a lot of assumptions here about your story but maybe

During a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queen, a restless underachiever must dodge his crazy friends and fight against his blue-collar upbringing while trying to make the most important decision of his life - which of the two girls he loves is the right one for him.  
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ajr
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Mcornetto,

Thanks for the quick reply, but yeah, the story doesn't go quite like that. It's more about deciding between two women - one that he's just met, and another who's rejected him in the past and who he knows he has a limited amount of time with. In the end he decides to get closure with the one who's leaving and ultimately pursues the other relationship.

As for the friends, it's more about resenting his role of big brother and protector - kinda the same thing with the neighborhood. He has opportunities to get out but he never seems to take them - until now.

I was using "must reconcile" instead of "must deal"?

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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