Please place your log line in this thread if you would like it reviewed.

While you are reviewing log lines, you should probably quote the log line you are reviewing because multiple log lines will be posted.

NOTE:  Please try to keep this as a serious discussion about the log lines presented.  Serious means no chatting back and forth about unrelated subjects and no joking around or making wise cracks. If you keep it serious then as a reward - rather than clearing out the thread periodically - I will make an archive of the past discussion and save it to this board.

Enjoy!

Michael  

The next post in this thread should be a logline!

Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir!

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.

Quoted from steven8 Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir! A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.

Sounds vague.  Maybe you should tell us a little more, just slightly?  I don't know.  I'm terrible with loglines most of the time.  Why is his new partner too good to be true?


Ok, here's one I've been fiddling around with for close to a year.


The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."


So what do you guys think? haha.

An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work.

Does that sound sharper to you?

As far as mine goes:

I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.

Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.  For example:

Quoted from logline ...his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia

You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone.

Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.

Quoted from bert Part of the problem here is critiquing a logline without knowing anything about the story.

This is true.

Quoted from bert For example: You devote almost a third of the logline to somebody who is gone. Is this critical to the story?  If so, maybe keep it.  If not, definately lose it.

Well, they leave the bureau, but they are critical to the rest of the story as well.

Quoted from steven8 Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir! A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.

I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like

A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.

I had a completely different and completely wonderful and succinct logline developed at the start of this.

Truly, I knew it was good. I'm good at loglines when I work them...

But then comes the story... And the characters start manipulating me...

And... and... and...

And I've got things that I couldn't have dreamed in my wildest dreams; so now, I'm just going to throw out a completely impulsive logline that is too long and you're going to wonder "What the Hell?" But seriously, it's what I'm getting right now; so give me some questions, and I'll work it.

You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.

Weird, I know. But there it is.

I'm in the woods.

Sandra

Quoted from mcornetto I'm going to have to agree with bert on this one. If the left-leaning partner isn't really a major part of the story then you should ax him from the logline.  The fact that he's thrilled with it probably is minor.  Thrilled really isn't the right kind of verb for a log line, you want to use something that implies action.   The real story here seems to be the dream partner so you should play on that.   Something like A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to wake up when he finds his new dream partner may be more like a nightmare.

We may have posted at the same time, Michael.  They are in the whole script, and they are quite important as well.  I really like what you have there, Michael, and here is a hybrid version:

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

Quoted from steven8 An iron-fisted underworld lord juggles his daily duties while trying to teach his little girl that daddy's life is not all about work. Does that sound sharper to you? As far as mine goes: I'm afraid that if I tell why his partner is too good to be true, that I'll be telling you the whole story.  At least that's my fear.

How about:

An Underworld Lord juggles his life as a "daddy", but teaching morals and living them are two different things.

Sandra

Quoted from steven8 A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".

Quoted from slabstaa The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."

First off I would get rid of the life and legacy, you don't need it.   Maybe something like...

A powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist struggles with the meaning of his life when his young daughter asks him to quit.

And I'm making some assumptions here but I supposed that's sort of what you were getting at.    

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. You are the characters in a Virtual World where the spirit of Christmas defines the lives of the actors. As the actors try to help a child in grief and an old woman in a mysterious conflict, you probably figure out how it should go.

It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?

Quoted from mcornetto Nice. Intriguing.  I would add that it's an "uneasy alliance".

Ah, this may be the final!

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

I really like it!

Quoted from steven8 It's kind of like one of those 'choose your own story' kind of books.  You know, where you decide to go to page 18 or page 63, and the outcome is different.  But since this is a script, how do we, the viewers, figure out how it should go?

It's your life and you have to figure that out.  

My job right now is to try and figure out how to produce that concept within the logline and I really am coming up blank.

Sandra

Quoted from slabstaa The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist all while trying to get daddy's little girl to understand that daddy doesn't know anything else but "the life."

This definitely had me thinking about The Sopranos. That's good though. I always like thinking about The Sopranos (especially Meadow and that Puerto Rican cooze from season 5 and 6).

Anyway...I'm getting a Danielle Steel vibe from latter part of the logline, slabby, and unless that's what you're gunning for, I think you could "tough guy" it up a bit. Also, you use the word "daddy" twice. Doesn't flow right imo.

The life and legacy of a powerful suburban gangster who rules the underworld with an iron fist-- except when it comes to his daughter.

That's my take.

I know this one from my experience with Logan.  

However, I'm not sure from your logline if the Iron Fisted Gangster is the father of in this logline, but that's what I'm getting.

Definitely shorten it. It's a real bitch to do this over and over again, but it's definitely part of the process of defining the story. Sometimes it might be a "one time deal", but from my experience, it's something that loves to change.

Sandra

Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log?

This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG...

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?

Quoted from stevie Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log? This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG... 'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.' Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?

When two Aussies embark on a road trip in the USA, they are pursued by a host of villains and oddballs that look remarkably like themselves.

Sandra

Hmm, interesting, Sandra! I dunno...

i may just put something like:

Hidden money
Excitement
A cast of hundreds
Driving mayhem
Las vegas
Over the top
No letup
Grand adventure

It spells...  HEADLONG

I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today.

"A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."

Stevie,

Two Aussie screw-ups plunge headlong into a trip across the Southwest USA mixing it up with hoods and oddballs along the way.

Questions: What is the relationship between the two Aussies? What is their goal? What kind of shit do they get into?

Hope it helps

Gary

Damn,

Mr Blonde that's good, I'd go see it.

Gary

Quoted from stevie Hi guys. Is it ok to use this thread to get feedback on my 7 week challenge log? This is what I was gonna have:  HEADLONG... 'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.' Now, this serviceable but sucks goat nips big time.  Anyone have something I can use? Please?

First off, a drive from Phoenix to Las Vegas is like a six hour drive.   So straight off that doesn't sound too impressive.  Why are they doing the trip?  Is it because they are being pursued.  If so, then you should mention that up front.  

Two Aussies pursed by hood, embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas in order to escape.  

Then how do the oddballs help or hinder them.  Protag tries to do this, while Antag does this.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde I have one I'd like to run by you guys. Came to me today. "A recently deceased hitman strikes a deal with the devil. To get his life back, he has to bring back the souls of those who killed him."

I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect".

However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed.

Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.  

Yep, nice logline Mr Blonde, and Michael's suggestion could make it better.

Um, as to mine, Michael and Gary, the aussies are brothers, travelling to their dad's 50th birthday party. They are going via Sedona, Flagstaff, South Rim, then back towards Vegas.
This follows an actual trip I did in 1997, though we went round through Page and Zion NP to Vegas.

There is money hidden in their rented RV, so, crims are pursuing them. The aussies don't know about any of this. along the way, they meet different people, hikers, etc.
It is comedy, with perhaps an 'M' rating, possibly PG.  Cheers

'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.'

Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.

Quoted from mcornetto I think this is pretty good - my only real issue is "bring back"  I would replace it with "collect". However, there is a stranger story here than the one you have presented.  And that is if the hitman had to collect the souls of those he's killed. Anyway, it's pretty good as it is.

Thanks, Michael. It's not actually a really supernatural story. The wording just made it seem that way. Well, kind of. I guess you could call it a supernatural revenge movie. But, I agree. Collect sounds better than having "back" twice in six words.

Quoted from mcornetto 'Two Aussies embark on a road trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas. They are pursued by hoods, meet oddballs and have a crazy time.' Two Aussies are determined to reach Las Vegas in time for their father's 50th birthday despite being sidetracked by oddballs and pursed by hoods whose money just happens to be hidden in the back of their rented RV.

I like that, Michael, nice. It doesn't seem too long though? some people may comment on it, but it doesn't bother me.
You've given me an idea I can use, re the urgency of the trip. The script has a, hopefully, pacy feel to it, with speeding vehicles and stuff, anyway. Perhaps I can have the boys trying not to miss the party.

I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two.

Here's the synopsis:

The Prince of Coal

Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.  

It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got:

Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas.

Any suggestions?

Gary

Quoted from grademan I have been wrestling with this one for a day or two. Here's the synopsis: The Prince of Coal Santa, still depressed over an accident last Christmas, doesn’t want to be Santa this year. Problems occur when, two days before Christmas, Santa’s assistant mistakenly finds a replacement who is a former naughty boy who refers to himself as The Prince of Coal. Tragically, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s helpers lose faith in Santa. Fortunately, the little girl injured in the accident, helps Santa and those about him remember the Spirit of Christmas.   It's a bit much to boil down to a one liner. Here's what I got: Santa's depression has cauased Team Santa to lose faith in him allowing a man who received a lump of coal every Christmas as s child to replace Santa days before Christmas. Any suggestions? Gary

When the real Santa loses his Christmas spirit, his assistant mistakenly hires Darth Santa, a bitter man whose Christmases only resulted in a mountain of coal.

Gary, you think you've got a lot to boil down, Tommy's read my wip and it's a doozie.  

We'll see what I can do with it before the 21st though.

Currently this is my logline:

A funny grief counselor writes her own true story to help a grieving child; yet when she meets The Stranger, she learns her fate is out of her control due to the Magic of Letters.

Sandra

Much better Santa er, Sandra,

Thanks!

Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters.

Gary

Quoted from grademan Much better Santa er, Sandra, Thanks! Yours is good except I'm confused/intrigued by the Magic of Letters. Gary

I myself was wondering whether I should cut off at out of her control and leave it at that, since I really don't need the last part since it's in the title.

I'm siding with cutting it since you've mentioned exactly what I was feeling nudging at me. Thank you Gary.

Sandra

Hey guys, another idea/logline came to me last night, and I'd just like to see if it catches anyone else's attention. Thanks, in advance.

"What the Hell is Mark 12 78?"

Housebreakers torture a family and demand they sacrifice their own child to save themselves.

Whose children must be sacrificed?

Housebreakers? How about home invaders?

I don't see a connection between the title and the log.

During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)

Quoted from steven8 A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an alliance with his left-leaning ex partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.

What foe does right-wing FBI oppose? What common enemy will bring the two together?

A veteran cop is partnered with a young homicidal cop. Both having one thing in common, hating working in pairs. Now they must learn to work with one and other to stop a gang of drug smugglers


Veteran cop = Murtough.

Homicidal cop = Riggs.

Movie = Lethal Weapon.

Quoted from steven8 Victim #1 reporting for duty, sir! A hard nosed, right wing FBI agent is thrilled when his left-leaning partner departs the bureau for academia, but his new dream partner may be too good to be true.

I'm terrible with politics, but I thought I'd offer this:

Right and Left wing FBI agents enter turbulence when one desires academia over the old and rigid rules they know as FBI-Y.

Sandra

I'm hoping that I will get a couple of suggestions for improvement on my logline for my 7wc after a couple of people have read it. I truly suck at those. Not to mention synopsises. Crap! I can't even spell!!

"At the rundown hospital of St. Mary’s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."  

Quoted from Grandma Bear "At the rundown hospital of St. Mary�s, a lot of things are going on during Christmas eve. None of them are nice and none of them have anything to do with healing."

Twas the night before Christmas and all through St Mary's,
Santa is horny so the women are wary,
a trio of nurses provide invasive care,
all witnessed by a young girl we are not sure is there.  

MC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I use it??

PERFECT!!!

Of course you can use it.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from grademan Whose children must be sacrificed? Housebreakers? How about home invaders? I don't see a connection between the title and the log. During a grisly home invasion, a eoon-to-be divorced mother and father best plan to survive... (or something like that)

I know. It's a bad logline, but I think the idea itself will be ok as a short.

I like home invaders. Works well, too.

Title's a reference to the Bible.

And, the "something like that" works fine for me.

Thanks, Grademan.

*raises hand*

Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline...

"A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."

Quoted from ajr *raises hand* Hi, I'm Anthony, and I hate my logline... "A restless underachiever must deal with his feelings for two women, his crazy friends, and his blue-collar upbringing during a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, New York."

That isn't a bad logline Anthony.  I would try using a different sort of action than deal.  Deal sounds kind of uneventful. I'm making a lot of assumptions here about your story but maybe

During a wild 48 hours in 1989 Queen, a restless underachiever must dodge his crazy friends and fight against his blue-collar upbringing while trying to make the most important decision of his life - which of the two girls he loves is the right one for him.  

Mcornetto,

Thanks for the quick reply, but yeah, the story doesn't go quite like that. It's more about deciding between two women - one that he's just met, and another who's rejected him in the past and who he knows he has a limited amount of time with. In the end he decides to get closure with the one who's leaving and ultimately pursues the other relationship.

As for the friends, it's more about resenting his role of big brother and protector - kinda the same thing with the neighborhood. He has opportunities to get out but he never seems to take them - until now.

I was using "must reconcile" instead of "must deal"?

AJR

I was thinking "reconcile" too. "Resolve" would work too.

A wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, NY, provokes a restless underachiever to resolve feelings for two women, his crazy friends and a blue-collar upbringing.

Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy:

"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

Any suggestions ?

Pete,

I like "resolve" - good one!

The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with:

"A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York."

NJD,

You certainly don't want help from me... (o:

Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait.

AJR

Quoted from ajr Pete, I like "resolve" - good one! The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with: "A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York." NJD, You certainly don't want help from me... (o: Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait. AJR

That's kinda what I was going for. I had a hard time trying to sum it up without being too vague. But you got to the central conflict right away, so maybe I'm on to something . Thanks!


As for yours, I like your latest idea. The 1989 part sounds a bit cumbersome, but it has to get in there somehow, no?

Quoted from NJDevil "An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.  

Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?  

It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.  

That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.

Quoted from NJDevil Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy: "An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. " Any suggestions ?

I (too) would like a little more information in that logline.

Something like:

An ambitious student-athlete, attempting to hide his impending death, (...does something....).

I haven't read your story so I can't fill in the blank there, but you get the idea.

~Pete

Quoted from mcornetto This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.   Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?   It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.   That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.

Okay, more info...

The protagonist has an inoperable brain tumor, so that's the demise part. He's very important to a lot of people (family, friends, team, band) and doesn't want to disappoint them, so he hides it from everyone (except his mother). Of course, he can't keep it a secret forever, and the more he tries, the harder it gets.

The cancer isn't the major reveal of the story, it's more about how he deals with it and how his life affects others.


...and I don't think you sound cranky  

This is pretty simple, it still needs some more conflict, but it's a start.

An ambitious student-athlete struggles to overcome a terminal illness by pretending he is in perfect health.

Alright, I found the current loglines for my TV show and its pilot episode.  Tear em up if you want:

Quoted Text "THE MAKING OF AN IDEALIST" When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different? What if he started out as a shy, directionless, college freshmen who held on to those ideals even in the face of tremendous pressure to compromise? Episode 101 - “Pilot” After Senator Adams fights his party colleagues over a Supreme Court nomination, lobbyists probe his past for weaknesses.  Twenty five years earlier, a college freshman named Mike struggles with girls and fraternities, while the conniving Nick Atlee looks to Rush Week to further his ambitions.

Thanks!

First thoughts on the first one are to kill the entire last sentence:

Quoted Text When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different?

Leaving the question to hang -- open-ended -- strikes me as stronger.

For the second "pilot" one -- you are telling the story of the same guy, in two different time periods?  You should make that clear if you are -- or let us know how the stories are connected if you aren't.

I would look for what is unique at the heart of the "Mike" story -- something political, perhaps -- as "girls and fraternities" do not really bring anything fresh to the scenario, if you know what I mean.

The series logline - you're probably right that to explain how he'd be different may be weaker, as it largely rephrases the premise and, as you said, it's less open-ended.

The pilot episode's logline:
1) Yes, Mike and Senator Adams are the same person (adult and college student).  It's clear in the script, if not entirely in the logline.
2) This version was a paring down of a lengthier logline, so I guess I lost some of the meaning in the Mike story by phrasing it this way.  I'll mull it over.

Thanks for the feedback!  I'll repost with revisions later.

The title of the script:  YELLOW FEVER  

Yes, I know it's not eye-catching, but it's the whole premises of the script.  I'm open to changing it... if or when I can come up with something much better.

It's a thriller and after I re-write the third act, it should top out at 109 pages.

My two loglines...

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

When a series of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler matches wits with a psychopath.  One who's closer then she thinks.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Ghost

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.    

So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   If not I was very confused by the end - she becomes her next victim.   If so then I was still confused but only until I thought about it.    

If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name. I do think at the very least you should mention that the psychopath is a woman.

My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.

Quoted from mcornetto After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim. Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  You're right.  Thanks. And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.   Correct again.  I was concerned about that. So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   Exactly. If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name.   I debated it.  They say try to avoid using character names, but I think I will. My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon. After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.

I like yours better then mine.  I'll just replace Jennie Wong with my characters name.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Kim Miyajima, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.

Thanks a bunch MC.

Ghost

Found this thread and thought i would give it a go. I need to sharpen up on log lines so why not use the power of SS?

My log lines for the OWCs have been appalling.

I would therefore appreciate comments on the log line below which is for a short comedy script, only five pages.

Title; "A Girl's Best Friend"

Log line; "An arrogant playboy seeks to impress a young woman by walking her dog, only to discover that a dog is not always man's best friend".

I am reasonably happy with this, but it does repeat the "best friend" from the title - ok? also as a short it does explain a fair amount of what happens, admittedly without detail, but still is this too revealing?

Thanks in advance (if anybody chips in!)

I like it Reef. Is this comedy or horror? Might make a difference in whether you succeed in attracting interest, which of course is the purpose of the log. But I like it as it is.

Thanks Kevin,

I appreciate the feedback.

Your question is interesting about whether it is a comedy or horror since in an ideal world it should be clear, I think, yet I can see both options in this log.

This is a comedy.

All the best.

I thought it was comedy, but looking at it, I thought it could be horror. I don't think it's a problem that it's not 100% clear. Anyone looking at your log will have glanced at title and genre. I think.

Hey Reef,

Without knowing the actual story, this could be horror or comedy.
But since this is a short, I'm guessing comedy.
Your title teases the canine aspect pretty well.
So, I didn't see a need to reinforce the dog angle.
Loglines are about enticement. Inciting interest to read.  

A cocky ladies man plays good neighbor to the new hottie on the block.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Brett

Thanks for the suggestion, much appreciated. Indeed, an interesting take on it.

I would love to see your definition of "hottie"!

As you and Kevin have pointed out it is not wholly clear that this is a comedy, which the log line should do. As it happens I had to enter this into a competition but as it is a comedy comp this should be fine.

But I think it is good to stand back and think does this log line say the genre as well as the story. A good test. Ideally it should jump out at you.

I hope more use this thread as it is a valuable challenge to us all.

All the best

Quoted from steven8 Ah, this may be the final! A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare. JR This has possibly four stories or movies in it. A) A hard nosed FBI agent. B) A Hard nosed Right wing, FBI agent. C) Ex partner is another story, already. D) Left wing, too much politics and intelligence kills the fiction element. (Unless you have a 'Watergate' story as narrated to you by a 'Deep Throat', journalist's stories aren't worth a dime in Hollywood) E) Dream partner turns out to be a nightmare is a nice little story by itself. I really like it!

a cool crime drama series. “Street” : A black diamond forged on the mean streets of London, are her edges too sharp for the blingbling world she now investigates for?
or
Forced to grow up too soon on the mean streets of Hackney, sparks will fly when she turns PI for the stars.
or
Magnum, PI: Hackney (my favourite)

[for those who don't know london - hackney is a run down housing estate - think of a UK version of the Baltimore projects in the wire.]

[edit - so the central character is a black lass from a gang area, but does 'black diamond' push the envelope?]

I wondering the audience you are going for.  Is it British or American?   If it's American you should just use the projects  (instead of Hackney).    Otherwise, the second logline is more along the lines of what you want.  

However, it's more of a tagline than a logline.  You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline.

You have the antag and the irony but you're missing the other two.

Hope that helps,

Michael

that helps! (I didn't realise "You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline" - but it makes a lot of sense now you say it. Thanks.)



[edit - it's aimed at the uk friday night tv audience.

So, "Forced to grow up too soon on a tough london estate, sparks will fly when Tiffany Streets turns PI for the world of blingbling celebrity" --- ?]

Any feedback would be appreciated.

REAP and SOW:

Genre: Erotic Crime Thriller

Page count: 111

....when an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadisti sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit...

Ghostie

Ghostie,

‘When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit’

Thought the first part read okay, though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’.  Also, how important to the story is it that we know the suspect is sultry?

How about something along the lines of:

An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when the prime suspect in a (insert your crime here) turns out to be her jaded ex-lover.

Not sure what exactly takes place here so I left the crime/crimes out.

Hope this helps.

Steve.

Thanks, Stevie.

Quoted Text though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’

Yes, it does seem that way now.   That's for pointing it out.

When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation when her former lovers turn up as suspects...

All right, at the moment maybe I'll go with this. Unless anyone else have any suggestions.

Thanks again -- Steve.

Ghostie

Ghostie,

It's an interesting logline, but I think I'm missing what you're trying to convey. So the agent has several former lovers who are ALL potential suspects in the case?  I wonder if that might be a little much. Why would so many different lovers all have the same potential for being a suspect?

I could see where there might be quite a bit of drama if several of her former lovers were all VICTIMS of the psychopath.  Now you have something that ramps up the drama.  Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  You could play up that element all the way to the very end. For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself.

Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about:

An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects.

Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions.  Good luck with this!

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston Ghostie, Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  No, she's not. You could play up that element all the way to the very end.I like the suggestion  For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself. I like the idea. Something to think about. Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions. Good catch. Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about: An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects. It's better than my original. I'll tweak it somemore. I'm near crunch time.

Thanks a bunch, Gary, much appreciated.

Ghostie

EDIT:   An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when a jaded ex-lover becomes the prime suspect in a series of lust murders.


When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch the rarest of female serial killers, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which a former lover turns up as the prime suspect...

Thanks again,  Stevie and Gary for your suggestions.

More than likely,  this one will become the official logline....

- An FBI profiler is thrown in the middle of her own investigation when the prime suspect in the hunt for a sadistic sexual psychopath turns up being her ex-lover.

Ghostie

A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed.

Any suggestions?

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed. Any suggestions? ~Zack~

Sounds like a short. I'd open a short with this logline, doesn't sound like a feature if I had to guess. Anyway, I can see the concept and it looks interesting. Despite that, the logline feels like it wants to hide something in the script and is incomplete -- like it explains what happens up to page 2-3 and that's it. Surely they're not going to be speeding to the house for the entire script? An exorcism has just been performed doesn't feel like it covers the entire script either. Perhaps it's down to the wording.

Something in the lines of "A sheriff and his deputy have to deal with a case of exorcism (after being called to investigate.../whatever it is)", but worded better than I have, could probably accomplish that task more successfully.

Local - Superfluous unless replaced with the actual location where the family is from, e.g Texan family.

Not a lot of details on the essence of the exorcism, who has been exorcised, how the Sheriff and the deputy end up having to go there or any specification on the sheriff, deputy or the family. Perhaps no need to be, short and simple would probably work fine. Out of all of those, I'd just want to see why they're ending up at that house in the logline.

What bothered me about the logline was its feeling of explaining a few pages rather the entire script, that I referenced above.

Hope this helped. Good luck.

Yes it's a short and yes it really just describes the set up... Honestly it just describes the first page. Thanks for the tips DS.

~Zack~

I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop?

Any suggestions are welcome.
     
A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.

Sounds like a very contained feature. Like a killer is trapped in one room for the entire second and third act of the film. The disaster also is not specified... seems too ambiguous to me.

Perhaps there should also be a hyphen between 12-Step, as it reads quite confusing, as though they are 'step killers'. Maybe the multitude of hits are to try and figure out what you mean by 12 step killers.

Anyway, those things stood out to me. Hope this helps. I don't think it's possible to rewrite a logline without knowing the story.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop? Any suggestions are welcome.       A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.

Too much going on there for me. You've got the correct elements, but you want to get it down to one sentence.

The 'Psychotics Anonymous' name means little to us before we've read the script. We also don't need the 'sponsor' and 'disaster strikes' elements, I don't think - it's that last sentence that sets up the promise of the premise. But what makes the strangers 'highly killable'? Also, if it's a contained, one-location thriller, that'll boost its appeal, so find a way to work that in?

Warning - I am crap at loglines.

However, like JB and Dustin there is a little too much for me.

What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.

May be useful to specify the type of victim he had to connect the dots, eg prostitues

So it could be...

A recovering serial killer, seeking to rid himself of the demons that cause him to kill prostitues, finds himself trapped in a room with two hookers, and nobody watching.

I've taken liberties but I like the sense of irony that could be attached to who is in the room

All the best

Thanks for the suggestions. I too am crap at loglines, I hate them.

Everyone makes good points, I am particularly drawn to reef's comment here

Quoted from Reef Dreamer What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.

I think you are really onto something here. I think I need to approach it more like a recovering killer faced with the thing he is addicted to the most!

How about:

A recovering psychotic joins a unique, super-secret society and embarks on a bizarre 12-step program for serial killers but finds himself trapped in a room with two vulnerable women.

Mark

The only issue I have is that you seem to place more importance on the build up than the dramatic heart - the final situation. It is the three of them in the room that would be on the billboard - will he kill them.

As an aside, I would love this if he was thrown into this by someone with an agenda. The script may not fit this idea, but it could help us root for the underdog, who happens to be a killer.

so...

A serial killer - whose victims were women - seeks to change his ways with the aid of a secret 'killers' self help group, but soon finds himself challenged when unexpectedly trapped in a room with two 'appealing' women.

Best of luck

I liked "killable strangers".

For me the part about the sponsor is not needed. The "disaster strikes" also not needed IMO because I don't know what disaster you're talking about here.

So.. Possibly this if it's grammatically sound (and I don't know much about English grammar)

A new Psychotics Anonymous member masters the unique twelve step program for serial killers only to appear trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.

Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.  

For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.

Quoted from eldave1 Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.   For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.

My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist.

It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before.

Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist. It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before. Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.

Mark - I get that and personally think serial killers at an AA style meeting has great comedic potential - i.e., the premise is really unique. My point really was that the log line might not be the selling problem - anyway - best of luck with this and look forward to a read should you ever post it.