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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13203 views)
ajr
Posted: May 26th, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Any words you can eliminate will help - I don't think "that is" (intent) is necessary and it will read just as well...

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Zack
Posted: May 26th, 2019, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
Any words you can eliminate will help - I don't think "that is" (intent) is necessary and it will read just as well...

AJR


Good point. Thanks ajr.
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Zack
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Got a new horror short coming up. What do you guys think of the logline?

Here Comes The Bogeyman - A loving young mother must protect her children from a mysterious entity hellbent on tearing their lives apart.

I'm thinking it's a little too wordy. Any advice?
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Got a new horror short coming up. What do you guys think of the logline?

Here Comes The Bogeyman - A loving young mother must protect her children from a mysterious entity hellbent on tearing their lives apart.

I'm thinking it's a little too wordy. Any advice?


Don't need "loving" - probably don't need "young."  

It may be fine, but there is some info missing in order to give feedback.

What is her marital status. Single, widowed, divorced?  

What does "tearing their lives apart mean?" - it is an emotional attack - are they at physical risk?

Is the entity only attacking them? i.e., vs a city-wide attack.

Was there a catalyst for the attack?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for chimming in, Dave.

She is divorced, but in a relationship. It's very much a physical assault, and this small family is the target. As for the catalyst, it's a bit supernatural. The oldest child has a dream/premonition where he is confronted by the entity. In the dream, the entity reveals that it will force the Mother to choose one of her children for a sacrifice. If she doesn't choose one, it'll take both.
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Thanks for chimming in, Dave.

She is divorced, but in a relationship. It's very much a physical assault, and this small family is the target. As for the catalyst, it's a bit supernatural. The oldest child has a dream/premonition where he is confronted by the entity. In the dream, the entity reveals that it will force the Mother to choose one of her children for a sacrifice. If she doesn't choose one, it'll take both.


Maybe:

A single mother must protect her children against an evil demon hellbent on killing them.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Maybe:

A single mother must protect her children against an evil demon hellbent on killing them.


I like it, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should work the "choice" aspect into the logline. Something like...

An evil entity forces a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice.
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


I like it, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should work the "choice" aspect into the logline. Something like...

An evil entity forces a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice.


That is certainly more interesting. Problem is that it kind of has an implication that he kid is sacrificed. It's longer - maybe something like:

When an evil entity demands a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice. she must find a way to save them all.

Or something like that


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


That is certainly more interesting. Problem is that it kind of has an implication that he kid is sacrificed. It's longer - maybe something like:

When an evil entity demands a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice. she must find a way to save them all.

Or something like that


Love it. Gonna tweak it a bit and use it. Thanks Dave.
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


Love it. Gonna tweak it a bit and use it. Thanks Dave.


No prob


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 29th, 2019, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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The dramatic backbone is clear anyway, Zack. What's interesting about the killer (entity) is the selling point...



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Zack
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from PrussianMosby
The dramatic backbone is clear anyway, Zack. What's interesting about the killer (entity) is the selling point...


Agreed. Thanks, Alex. I've tweaked the logline Dave provided and submitted the script.
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