Any words you can eliminate will help - I don't think "that is" (intent) is necessary and it will read just as well...

AJR

Quoted from ajr Any words you can eliminate will help - I don't think "that is" (intent) is necessary and it will read just as well... AJR

Good point. Thanks ajr.

Got a new horror short coming up. What do you guys think of the logline?

Here Comes The Bogeyman - A loving young mother must protect her children from a mysterious entity hellbent on tearing their lives apart.

I'm thinking it's a little too wordy. Any advice?

Quoted from Zack Got a new horror short coming up. What do you guys think of the logline? Here Comes The Bogeyman - A loving young mother must protect her children from a mysterious entity hellbent on tearing their lives apart. I'm thinking it's a little too wordy. Any advice?

Don't need "loving" - probably don't need "young."  

It may be fine, but there is some info missing in order to give feedback.

What is her marital status. Single, widowed, divorced?  

What does "tearing their lives apart mean?" - it is an emotional attack - are they at physical risk?

Is the entity only attacking them? i.e., vs a city-wide attack.

Was there a catalyst for the attack?

Thanks for chimming in, Dave.

She is divorced, but in a relationship. It's very much a physical assault, and this small family is the target. As for the catalyst, it's a bit supernatural. The oldest child has a dream/premonition where he is confronted by the entity. In the dream, the entity reveals that it will force the Mother to choose one of her children for a sacrifice. If she doesn't choose one, it'll take both.

Quoted from Zack Thanks for chimming in, Dave. She is divorced, but in a relationship. It's very much a physical assault, and this small family is the target. As for the catalyst, it's a bit supernatural. The oldest child has a dream/premonition where he is confronted by the entity. In the dream, the entity reveals that it will force the Mother to choose one of her children for a sacrifice. If she doesn't choose one, it'll take both.

Maybe:

A single mother must protect her children against an evil demon hellbent on killing them.

Quoted from eldave1 Maybe: A single mother must protect her children against an evil demon hellbent on killing them.

I like it, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should work the "choice" aspect into the logline. Something like...

An evil entity forces a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice.

Quoted from Zack I like it, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should work the "choice" aspect into the logline. Something like... An evil entity forces a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice.

That is certainly more interesting. Problem is that it kind of has an implication that he kid is sacrificed. It's longer - maybe something like:

When an evil entity demands a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice. she must find a way to save them all.

Or something like that

Quoted from eldave1 That is certainly more interesting. Problem is that it kind of has an implication that he kid is sacrificed. It's longer - maybe something like: When an evil entity demands a single mother to choose one of her children for a blood sacrifice. she must find a way to save them all. Or something like that

Love it. Gonna tweak it a bit and use it. Thanks Dave.

Quoted from Zack Love it. Gonna tweak it a bit and use it. Thanks Dave.

No prob

The dramatic backbone is clear anyway, Zack. What's interesting about the killer (entity) is the selling point...

Quoted from PrussianMosby The dramatic backbone is clear anyway, Zack. What's interesting about the killer (entity) is the selling point...

Agreed. Thanks, Alex. I've tweaked the logline Dave provided and submitted the script.