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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13843 views)
Zack
Posted: December 3rd, 2014, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed.

Any suggestions?

~Zack~
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DS
Posted: December 4th, 2014, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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Quoted from Zack
A Sheriff and his Deputy speed to a local family's house, where an exorcism has just been performed.

Any suggestions?

~Zack~


Sounds like a short. I'd open a short with this logline, doesn't sound like a feature if I had to guess. Anyway, I can see the concept and it looks interesting. Despite that, the logline feels like it wants to hide something in the script and is incomplete -- like it explains what happens up to page 2-3 and that's it. Surely they're not going to be speeding to the house for the entire script? An exorcism has just been performed doesn't feel like it covers the entire script either. Perhaps it's down to the wording.

Something in the lines of "A sheriff and his deputy have to deal with a case of exorcism (after being called to investigate.../whatever it is)", but worded better than I have, could probably accomplish that task more successfully.

Local - Superfluous unless replaced with the actual location where the family is from, e.g Texan family.

Not a lot of details on the essence of the exorcism, who has been exorcised, how the Sheriff and the deputy end up having to go there or any specification on the sheriff, deputy or the family. Perhaps no need to be, short and simple would probably work fine. Out of all of those, I'd just want to see why they're ending up at that house in the logline.

What bothered me about the logline was its feeling of explaining a few pages rather the entire script, that I referenced above.

Hope this helped. Good luck.
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Zack
Posted: December 4th, 2014, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Yes it's a short and yes it really just describes the set up... Honestly it just describes the first page. Thanks for the tips DS.

~Zack~
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop?

Any suggestions are welcome.
     
A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 9:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Sounds like a very contained feature. Like a killer is trapped in one room for the entire second and third act of the film. The disaster also is not specified... seems too ambiguous to me.

Perhaps there should also be a hyphen between 12-Step, as it reads quite confusing, as though they are 'step killers'. Maybe the multitude of hits are to try and figure out what you mean by 12 step killers.

Anyway, those things stood out to me. Hope this helps. I don't think it's possible to rewrite a logline without knowing the story.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I have a feature on Inktip (The 12 Step Killers) which is getting a lot of looks at the logline but not many script downloads. So maybe the logline sucks donkey poop?

Any suggestions are welcome.
     
A new Psychotics Anonymous member meets with his sponsor to learn the secrets of a unique twelve step program for serial killers. After disaster strikes, he is left trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.


Too much going on there for me. You've got the correct elements, but you want to get it down to one sentence.

The 'Psychotics Anonymous' name means little to us before we've read the script. We also don't need the 'sponsor' and 'disaster strikes' elements, I don't think - it's that last sentence that sets up the promise of the premise. But what makes the strangers 'highly killable'? Also, if it's a contained, one-location thriller, that'll boost its appeal, so find a way to work that in?


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Warning - I am crap at loglines.

However, like JB and Dustin there is a little too much for me.

What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.

May be useful to specify the type of victim he had to connect the dots, eg prostitues

So it could be...

A recovering serial killer, seeking to rid himself of the demons that cause him to kill prostitues, finds himself trapped in a room with two hookers, and nobody watching.

I've taken liberties but I like the sense of irony that could be attached to who is in the room

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the suggestions. I too am crap at loglines, I hate them.

Everyone makes good points, I am particularly drawn to reef's comment here


Quoted from Reef Dreamer

What I learn from the current logline is that the hook is a recovering killer left in a room with vulnerable folk. Like an alcoholic let with a bottle of whiskey.


I think you are really onto something here. I think I need to approach it more like a recovering killer faced with the thing he is addicted to the most!

How about:

A recovering psychotic joins a unique, super-secret society and embarks on a bizarre 12-step program for serial killers but finds himself trapped in a room with two vulnerable women.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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MarkRenshaw  -  November 20th, 2015, 12:15pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Mark

The only issue I have is that you seem to place more importance on the build up than the dramatic heart - the final situation. It is the three of them in the room that would be on the billboard - will he kill them.

As an aside, I would love this if he was thrown into this by someone with an agenda. The script may not fit this idea, but it could help us root for the underdog, who happens to be a killer.

so...

A serial killer - whose victims were women - seeks to change his ways with the aid of a secret 'killers' self help group, but soon finds himself challenged when unexpectedly trapped in a room with two 'appealing' women.

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I liked "killable strangers".

For me the part about the sponsor is not needed. The "disaster strikes" also not needed IMO because I don't know what disaster you're talking about here.

So.. Possibly this if it's grammatically sound (and I don't know much about English grammar)

A new Psychotics Anonymous member masters the unique twelve step program for serial killers only to appear trapped in a room with his worst nightmare - two highly killable strangers.
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eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.  

For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 21st, 2015, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Mark - not to be buzz kill here - but the problem may not be the log line per se as much as it is the likelihood of a self help group program for serial killers.  

For what you are going with - I do like both Reef's and Khamana's suggestions.


My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist.

It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before.

Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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eldave1
Posted: November 21st, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw


My fellow serial killers and I at Psychotic's Anonymous are pleased you think we don't exist.

It's a horror/comedy so I'm not aiming for something gritty and realistic, just attempting to do a 'what if' scenario that hasn't been done before.

Thanks for all the help with the logline. I've got a few different varients to try now.



Mark - I get that and personally think serial killers at an AA style meeting has great comedic potential - i.e., the premise is really unique. My point really was that the log line might not be the selling problem - anyway - best of luck with this and look forward to a read should you ever post it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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steven8
Posted: December 26th, 2015, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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You're never alone...

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When a 35 year old confirmed bachelor finds a woman from another dimension on his couch claiming to be his wife, the rock-solid foundation of his solitude begins to crack.  Can he help her get back to where she belongs without losing himself in the process?
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eldave1
Posted: December 26th, 2015, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
When a 35 year old confirmed bachelor finds a woman from another dimension on his couch claiming to be his wife, the rock-solid foundation of his solitude begins to crack.  Can he help her get back to where she belongs without losing himself in the process?


Just a thought:

A devout bachelor's self imposed solitude is disrupted when a mysterious woman shows up claiming to be his wife from another dimension.  His efforts to get her back where she belongs lead him to question the life he has led without her.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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