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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13863 views)
Pete B. Lane
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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I was thinking "reconcile" too. "Resolve" would work too.

A wild 48 hours in 1989 Queens, NY, provokes a restless underachiever to resolve feelings for two women, his crazy friends and a blue-collar upbringing.


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NJDevil
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy:

"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

Any suggestions ?
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ajr
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Pete,

I like "resolve" - good one!

The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with:

"A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York."

NJD,

You certainly don't want help from me... (o:

Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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NJDevil
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
Pete,

I like "resolve" - good one!

The only other one I thought of last night was to go very basic with:

"A restless underachiever attempts to change his life during a wild 48 hour period in 1989 Queens, New York."

NJD,

You certainly don't want help from me... (o:

Actually, I don't think yours is bad at all.  Maybe the word "ambitious" sticks out?  Could be contradictory with trying to hide an illness, since ambition is generally considered a positive character trait.

AJR


That's kinda what I was going for. I had a hard time trying to sum it up without being too vague. But you got to the central conflict right away, so maybe I'm on to something . Thanks!


As for yours, I like your latest idea. The 1989 part sounds a bit cumbersome, but it has to get in there somehow, no?
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mcornetto
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NJDevil
"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "


This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.  

Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?  

It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.  

That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NJDevil
Here's mine. I'm sure it's lousy:

"An ambitious student-athlete attempts to hide his impending demise. "

Any suggestions ?


I (too) would like a little more information in that logline.

Something like:

An ambitious student-athlete, attempting to hide his impending death, (...does something....).

I haven't read your story so I can't fill in the blank there, but you get the idea.

~Pete



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Pete B. Lane  -  January 29th, 2010, 8:53pm
too slow
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NJDevil
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


This logline leaves many questions unanswered - it's mysterious but it isn't really intriguing.  We need to know a bit more in order to be intrigued.  Like maybe what is causing his demise, is it a person, his sexuality - I don't know could be lots of things and I'd be more likely to read it if I knew what was causing it.  

Also who is he trying to hide it from, his girlfriend, other students, the teachers, his parents, everyone in town?  

It doesn't sound like the kind of story where you need to hide so much, so tell us more.  I can't even take a stab at a different version because I have so little information.  

That might have sounded a bit cranky but I'm just trying to be helpful.


Okay, more info...

The protagonist has an inoperable brain tumor, so that's the demise part. He's very important to a lot of people (family, friends, team, band) and doesn't want to disappoint them, so he hides it from everyone (except his mother). Of course, he can't keep it a secret forever, and the more he tries, the harder it gets.

The cancer isn't the major reveal of the story, it's more about how he deals with it and how his life affects others.


...and I don't think you sound cranky  
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mcornetto
Posted: January 29th, 2010, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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This is pretty simple, it still needs some more conflict, but it's a start.

An ambitious student-athlete struggles to overcome a terminal illness by pretending he is in perfect health.
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kendg8r
Posted: February 1st, 2010, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, I found the current loglines for my TV show and its pilot episode.  Tear em up if you want:


Quoted Text
"THE MAKING OF AN IDEALIST"
When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different? What if he started out as a shy, directionless, college freshmen who held on to those ideals even in the face of tremendous pressure to compromise?

Episode 101 - “Pilot”
After Senator Adams fights his party colleagues over a Supreme Court nomination, lobbyists probe his past for weaknesses.  Twenty five years earlier, a college freshman named Mike struggles with girls and fraternities, while the conniving Nick Atlee looks to Rush Week to further his ambitions.


Thanks!


Kenneth Kerns
Self-published 4 books, including 2009's Confirmation
Screenwriter, "Beltway Connections"
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bert
Posted: February 1st, 2010, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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First thoughts on the first one are to kill the entire last sentence:


Quoted Text
When we’re young, we’re told by all adults to hold on to our ideals.  After college, we discover they didn’t really mean it.  They think ideals only get in the way, and that to be an adult is to compromise.  What if one politician was different?


Leaving the question to hang -- open-ended -- strikes me as stronger.

For the second "pilot" one -- you are telling the story of the same guy, in two different time periods?  You should make that clear if you are -- or let us know how the stories are connected if you aren't.

I would look for what is unique at the heart of the "Mike" story -- something political, perhaps -- as "girls and fraternities" do not really bring anything fresh to the scenario, if you know what I mean.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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kendg8r
Posted: February 1st, 2010, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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The series logline - you're probably right that to explain how he'd be different may be weaker, as it largely rephrases the premise and, as you said, it's less open-ended.

The pilot episode's logline:
1) Yes, Mike and Senator Adams are the same person (adult and college student).  It's clear in the script, if not entirely in the logline.
2) This version was a paring down of a lengthier logline, so I guess I lost some of the meaning in the Mike story by phrasing it this way.  I'll mull it over.

Thanks for the feedback!  I'll repost with revisions later.


Kenneth Kerns
Self-published 4 books, including 2009's Confirmation
Screenwriter, "Beltway Connections"
Follow me on twitter!
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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The title of the script:  YELLOW FEVER  

Yes, I know it's not eye-catching, but it's the whole premises of the script.  I'm open to changing it... if or when I can come up with something much better.

It's a thriller and after I re-write the third act, it should top out at 109 pages.

My two loglines...

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

When a series of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, an FBI profiler matches wits with a psychopath.  One who's closer then she thinks.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  February 9th, 2011, 3:56am
Grammar mistakes
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mcornetto
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.    

So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   If not I was very confused by the end - she becomes her next victim.   If so then I was still confused but only until I thought about it.    

If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name. I do think at the very least you should mention that the psychopath is a woman.

My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, a FBI profiler must track down a psychopath before she becomes her next victim.

Is definitely the better of the two.  I think it should be 'an FBI' though.  You're right.  Thanks.

And the problem I have with this logline is that you have to really think about the genders and descent mentioned.   Correct again.  I was concerned about that.

So this is an Asian female profiler and a female psychopath?   Exactly.

If there were a way to tell us the sex and descent when the characters are introduced in the logline, I think it would read a bit smoother. You may have to pull out a character name.   I debated it.  They say try to avoid using character names, but I think I will.

My bad attempt at your logline which you might easily improve upon.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Jennie Wong, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.  


I like yours better then mine.  I'll just replace Jennie Wong with my characters name.

After a string of brutal attacks leave Asian women dead, Kim Miyajima, an FBI profiler must track down an elusive female psychopath before she becomes the next victim.

Thanks a bunch MC.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  February 9th, 2011, 10:20pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 4th, 2011, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Found this thread and thought i would give it a go. I need to sharpen up on log lines so why not use the power of SS?

My log lines for the OWCs have been appalling.

I would therefore appreciate comments on the log line below which is for a short comedy script, only five pages.

Title; "A Girl's Best Friend"

Log line; "An arrogant playboy seeks to impress a young woman by walking her dog, only to discover that a dog is not always man's best friend".

I am reasonably happy with this, but it does repeat the "best friend" from the title - ok? also as a short it does explain a fair amount of what happens, admittedly without detail, but still is this too revealing?

Thanks in advance (if anybody chips in!)




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

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Reef Dreamer  -  December 5th, 2011, 7:52am
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