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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13839 views)
SpokenWord
Posted: April 21st, 2016, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
In terms of the logline: I think it's pretty good other that I would replace

"a mother must contend with"  with "a mother must battle"

In terms of the story. There is much to like. You got a ticking time bomb, an innocent kid in peril and an ordinary person fighting power.

But, it did strike me as dated by about 20 years. Even Texas is issuing licenses for low dosages in 2016. Two States have legalized recreational use and medical usage is prevalent. I just think it's a tough sell (assuming the story is told in the present) medical marijuana just ain't the big deal it used to be. Also a tough sell that a father would let his daughter suffer/die over such a small issue. i.e., I love everything but the marijuana angle.

Best of luck.  



Texas hasn't begun issuing them yet, and it's a bureaucratic nightmare. If the father doesn't consent, she won't get the treatment. He gains custody, because legal or not, the stigma is very real in Texas. Likewise, her condition has symptoms that will require the THC in addition to the CBD. Texas has only really begun to deal with the issue, but this is a period piece in the sense that it takes place 14 years ago, and then about 7 years ago is "present day" in the universe of the screenplay. Also, the fate of the girl isn't something that will be left hanging... spoiler alert... it doesn't end well for her... but the legal decision is a big question mark, and a call to action for those who are watching that this isn't just some work of fiction, but that the outcome of this case and thousands of others is directly decided by you, me, and every other American, through our elected(in some cases lol) politicians. It puts a face on the discussion, shows what happens to the family involved on all sides, shows how the medical industrial complex opposes it for their own gain... who will get justice for this little girl? You will.


Quoted from khamanna
You don't have anything about restraining order in your logline. I would include that, it gives the script some more detail and adds to the urgency.


Logline before: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a mother must contend with the legal system, pharmaceutical industry and her own husband, in order to find the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

Logline after: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a young mother must battle doctors, the criminal justice system and a lawsuit from her own husband, in order to provide the only treatment that works: Marijuana.
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SpokenWord
Posted: April 22nd, 2016, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Logline: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a young mother must battle doctors, the criminal justice system and a lawsuit from her own husband, to provide the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

When the daughter of college sweethearts approaches the age of 7, she begins to exhibit life threatening symptoms of a previously undiscovered neurological disorder. As medical tests, clinical trials and pharmaceutical side effects take their physical toll--a great rift forms between husband and wife who, in a fit of total desperation, turns to medical marijuana. Furious at his wife's lack of consultation, her husband leaves and files for custody of their daughter, while the mother faces criminal repercussions for her use of the illicit narcotic. Facing prison and on the brink of emotional and financial ruin, a mother must fight against all odds to provide her daughter the treatment she so desperately needs, as her next seizure could be her last.

Similar in tone to Philadelphia, Erin Brokovich, My Sister's Keeper
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EastCoast
Posted: July 9th, 2017, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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This is an idea  I've been toying with for a while.

Logline:  A demon hunter on a quest to avenge his wife murder must stop the queen of demon from destroying earth and mankind?

let me know what you guys think.
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ajr
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from EastCoast
Logline:  A demon hunter on a quest to avenge his wife murder must stop the queen of demon from destroying earth and mankind?


I wouldn't use the word demons twice. And Earth and mankind seems superfluous, you can use one or the other. Also are you implying that the queen of demons killed the demon hunter's wife? If so perhaps you can leave the part out about avenging the wife's murder. Gives away too much of the plot.

"A distraught demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damned from destroying Mankind (or Earth)."


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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This thread always creeps me out. I've been burnt a few times and seeing everyone post loglines like this just creeps me out. I dunno... but I'll tell you this... a title and an idea is NOT copyrightable! So be careful putting all these concepts out for the world to see...

One of the people who burned me once told me and I quote, "Amateurs borrow, but pros steal."

Just be warned people.
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eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr


I wouldn't use the word demons twice. And Earth and mankind seems superfluous, you can use one or the other. Also are you implying that the queen of demons killed the demon hunter's wife? If so perhaps you can leave the part out about avenging the wife's murder. Gives away too much of the plot.

"A distraught demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damned from destroying Mankind (or Earth)."


Actually, pretty good. Might add a little bit about the world they are in.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2017, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
This thread always creeps me out. I've been burnt a few times and seeing everyone post loglines like this just creeps me out. I dunno... but I'll tell you this... a title and an idea is NOT copyrightable! So be careful putting all these concepts out for the world to see...

One of the people who burned me once told me and I quote, "Amateurs borrow, but pros steal."

Just be warned people.


While this may be true - I'm not sure what options we really have. In almost every industry contact you're going to make you are going to have to reveal the logline in addition to much more.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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EastCoast
Posted: July 12th, 2017, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Actually, pretty good. Might add a little bit about the world they are in.


I don't think distraught is the right word I was looking for. When I heard distraught I thought of a girl must choose between her high-school sweetheart and her hot coworker doctor.

How about this.? "A despondent demon hunter must stop the Queen of the Damn from destroying mankind?"

As for the other users posting about people stealing ideas here. My logline/ideas are pretty generic, I'm not the first guy with the ideas of demon hunter battling supernatural powers.  So I'm not worried.
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Zack
Posted: May 22nd, 2019, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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ROADKILL - Three people trapped in a tipped-over camper must fend off a vicious beast, which is dead-set on tearing them all to shreds.
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Dustin
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 4:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Trapped in a camper, three people fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

Who are the three people? Any way to define them better in the log?


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Zack
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Trapped in a camper, two best friends and an injured stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

Is that better?
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eldave1
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Trapped in a camper, two best friends and an injured stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

Is that better?


I'd probably replace injured with mysterious.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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How about:

Trapped in a camper, two besties and an injured stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

They both work for me, but it's always nice to be able to cut the log to the bone.


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Zack
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Trapped in a camper, two friends and a mysterious stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

Thanks for the help, guys.
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eldave1
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Trapped in a camper, two friends and a mysterious stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is intent on tearing them to shreds.

Thanks for the help, guys.


Like it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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