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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13197 views)
leitskev
Posted: December 4th, 2011, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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I like it Reef. Is this comedy or horror? Might make a difference in whether you succeed in attracting interest, which of course is the purpose of the log. But I like it as it is.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 4th, 2011, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Thanks Kevin,

I appreciate the feedback.

Your question is interesting about whether it is a comedy or horror since in an ideal world it should be clear, I think, yet I can see both options in this log.

This is a comedy.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
Posted: December 4th, 2011, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was comedy, but looking at it, I thought it could be horror. I don't think it's a problem that it's not 100% clear. Anyone looking at your log will have glanced at title and genre. I think.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reef,

Without knowing the actual story, this could be horror or comedy.
But since this is a short, I'm guessing comedy.
Your title teases the canine aspect pretty well.
So, I didn't see a need to reinforce the dog angle.
Loglines are about enticement. Inciting interest to read.  

A cocky ladies man plays good neighbor to the new hottie on the block.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Brett

Thanks for the suggestion, much appreciated. Indeed, an interesting take on it.

I would love to see your definition of "hottie"!

As you and Kevin have pointed out it is not wholly clear that this is a comedy, which the log line should do. As it happens I had to enter this into a competition but as it is a comedy comp this should be fine.

But I think it is good to stand back and think does this log line say the genre as well as the story. A good test. Ideally it should jump out at you.

I hope more use this thread as it is a valuable challenge to us all.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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jagan@spundana.org
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


Ah, this may be the final!

A hard-nosed, right wing FBI agent is forced to form an uneasy alliance with his left-leaning ex-partner when his new dream partner turns out to be a nightmare.
JR This has possibly four stories or movies in it.
A) A hard nosed FBI agent.
B) A Hard nosed Right wing, FBI agent.
C) Ex partner is another story, already.
D) Left wing, too much politics and intelligence kills the fiction element.
(Unless you have a 'Watergate' story as narrated to you by a 'Deep Throat', journalist's stories aren't worth a dime in Hollywood)
E) Dream partner turns out to be a nightmare is a nice little story by itself.
I really like it!


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marriot
Posted: August 16th, 2012, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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a cool crime drama series. “Street” : A black diamond forged on the mean streets of London, are her edges too sharp for the blingbling world she now investigates for?
or
Forced to grow up too soon on the mean streets of Hackney, sparks will fly when she turns PI for the stars.
or
Magnum, PI: Hackney (my favourite)

[for those who don't know london - hackney is a run down housing estate - think of a UK version of the Baltimore projects in the wire.]

[edit - so the central character is a black lass from a gang area, but does 'black diamond' push the envelope?]


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mcornetto
Posted: August 16th, 2012, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I wondering the audience you are going for.  Is it British or American?   If it's American you should just use the projects  (instead of Hackney).    Otherwise, the second logline is more along the lines of what you want.  

However, it's more of a tagline than a logline.  You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline.

You have the antag and the irony but you're missing the other two.

Hope that helps,

Michael
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marriot
Posted: August 17th, 2012, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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that helps! (I didn't realise "You need to specify a conflict, antag, protag and irony in a logline" - but it makes a lot of sense now you say it. Thanks.)



[edit - it's aimed at the uk friday night tv audience.

So, "Forced to grow up too soon on a tough london estate, sparks will fly when Tiffany Streets turns PI for the world of blingbling celebrity" --- ?]



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marriot  -  August 17th, 2012, 12:29pm
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Any feedback would be appreciated.

REAP and SOW:

Genre: Erotic Crime Thriller

Page count: 111

....when an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadisti sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit...

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


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_ghostwriters  -  August 17th, 2014, 3:55pm
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stevemiles
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Ghostie,

‘When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which the sultry murder suspect, a jaded ex-lover may be the culprit’

Thought the first part read okay, though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’.  Also, how important to the story is it that we know the suspect is sultry?

How about something along the lines of:

An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when the prime suspect in a (insert your crime here) turns out to be her jaded ex-lover.

Not sure what exactly takes place here so I left the crime/crimes out.

Hope this helps.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Stevie.


Quoted Text
though the second (italicized) read a bit off to me -- especially the ‘may be the culprit’ line.  Seems a bit redundant as it’s saying a similar thing as ‘suspect’


Yes, it does seem that way now.   That's for pointing it out.

When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch a sadistic sexual psychopath, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation when her former lovers turn up as suspects...

All right, at the moment maybe I'll go with this. Unless anyone else have any suggestions.

Thanks again -- Steve.

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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hawkeye
Posted: August 20th, 2014, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Ghostie,

It's an interesting logline, but I think I'm missing what you're trying to convey. So the agent has several former lovers who are ALL potential suspects in the case?  I wonder if that might be a little much. Why would so many different lovers all have the same potential for being a suspect?

I could see where there might be quite a bit of drama if several of her former lovers were all VICTIMS of the psychopath.  Now you have something that ramps up the drama.  Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  You could play up that element all the way to the very end. For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself.

Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about:

An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects.

Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions.  Good luck with this!

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 20th, 2014, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from hawkeye
Ghostie,

Is the agent investigating the crime really the psychopath?  No, she's not.

You could play up that element all the way to the very end.I like the suggestion  For example, she keeps doing things that hinders the investigation, perhaps, to protect herself. I like the idea. Something to think about.

Your current logline uses "when" and a variant of "investigation" twice in the same sentence.  This shortens it, eliminates the double usage, and cuts down on all the prepositions. Good catch.

Assuming that it's the original idea -- that there are multiple suspects that could have done this, all of whom are associated with the agent, then there may be too many prepositions going on here. I think you can shorten it a bit and still convey what you're shooting for.  What about:

An FBI profiler researching a sexual psychopath finds herself at the investigation's center when her former lovers turn up as suspects.
It's better than my original. I'll tweak it somemore. I'm near crunch time.


Thanks a bunch, Gary, much appreciated.

Ghostie

EDIT:   An FBI profiler finds herself at the center of her own investigation when a jaded ex-lover becomes the prime suspect in a series of lust murders.


When an FBI profiler is called in to help catch the rarest of female serial killers, she finds herself at the center of her own investigation, in which a former lover turns up as the prime suspect...


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  August 21st, 2014, 4:59am
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_ghostwriters
Posted: September 4th, 2014, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again,  Stevie and Gary for your suggestions.

More than likely,  this one will become the official logline....

- An FBI profiler is thrown in the middle of her own investigation when the prime suspect in the hunt for a sadistic sexual psychopath turns up being her ex-lover.

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  September 4th, 2014, 1:40pm
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