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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive Moderators: LC
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread - archive  (currently 13849 views)
steven8
Posted: December 26th, 2015, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Just a thought:

A devout bachelor's self imposed solitude is disrupted when a mysterious woman shows up claiming to be his wife from another dimension.  His efforts to get her back where she belongs lead him to question the life he has led without her.


Oh, I like that VERY, much.  Especially this bit "...question the life he has led without her."  I just didn't know how to fit that idea into the logline, without adding even more words to my overly long attempt.  Perhaps a few tweaks, but it is much better than my own.

Thank you.
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LC
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Steven, while I agree Dave's is more pithy both loglines are way too convoluted and meandering in my opinion. I am intrigued definitely, but I need more. I need to read your logline and instantly know what I'm getting via genre, at the very least.

It's likely SciFi or has elements of same, but is it comedy, romcom, drama? Is your main character going to travel to this other dimension?

'His solitude begins to crack' 'confirmed bachelor' 'devout bachelor'

All of these descriptions are too vague, too static, and wide open to interpretation too.

Think for a minute... A 'bachelor' can also be a womaniser, a gigolo, a ladies' man etc. add the solitude and your guy could be some boring middle aged man just lounging around on the couch watching TV, or a widower, a recluse, or an anxiety ridden social outcast? My problem is I have no idea what?

Look at Total Recall:

When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real - or does he?

I know immediately what I'm getting.

Likewise: What Women Want

After an accident, a chauvenistic executive gains the ability to hear what women are really thinking.

** By the way I can't believe the punctuation and spelling errors in imdb loglines - 'chauvenistic'! 'forces' plural?!

Back to you, Steven. The problem here is we haven't read your script, but then again movie goers won't have read it either. Which is all the more important that your logline needs to pop with its descriptors, it's verbs, it's précis. We need to know the idea you're pitching.

You're definitely on to something I'd probably watch/read but as is you're not giving me enough via storyline, or punch.

Examples, off the cuff:

A bachelor's life is turned upside down when a mysterious woman turns up on his doorstep, claiming not only to be his wife, but to be from a parallel universe/alternate reality.

A bachelor's life is turned upside down when a mysterious woman who not only claims to be his wife, but also from another time dimension, turns up on his doorstep seeking his help to get her back home.

A die-hard bachelor questions everything about his own existence when a mysterious woman claiming to be his wife from a parallel universe turns up on his door step.  

When a mysterious woman claiming to be his wife from another dimension turns up on his doorstep, a bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when he must find a way to get her back home.

What's your title btw?


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steven8
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 2:24am Report to Moderator
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All great stuff.  Fantastic suggestions.  I will be cutting, chopping, tearing down and rebuilding this logline over the next few days.  

I am especially excited that you are intrigued by the concept.

The title is "...And There She Was."
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LC
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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And, what's the genre?


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eldave1
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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my pleasure - good luck with with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: December 27th, 2015, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."




Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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steven8
Posted: December 28th, 2015, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
And, what's the genre?


romdramedy.  With a sprinkle of science fiction.


Quoted from eldave1
my pleasure - good luck with with it


I haven't completed a single script page yet.  I've started several times, then conferred with Dreamscale via private message, followed his advice to try and think the story whole through end to end, but I keep puttering out when it comes to actual execution.  I know what happens basically from end to end, but when I see the lines on the screen, it falls flat.  Nothing 'pops'. I'm hoping to get the juices flowing with this back and forth.  If I can come up with a good, slick logline, it may help me get down to the actual work of penning the pages.


Quoted from ajr
"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."


I do like that.  I'd thought of: A happy bachelor's life is turned upside down when a woman from another dimension appears on his sofa claiming to be his wife.
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LC
Posted: December 28th, 2015, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8

romdramedy.  With a sprinkle of science fiction.

I haven't completed a single script page yet.  I've started several times, then conferred with Dreamscale via private message, followed his advice to try and think the story whole through end to end, but I keep puttering out when it comes to actual execution.  I know what happens basically from end to end, but when I see the lines on the screen, it falls flat.  Nothing 'pops'. I'm hoping to get the juices flowing with this back and forth.  If I can come up with a good, slick logline, it may help me get down to the actual work of penning the pages.


You've pretty much got the logline and you say you've got story from start to finish. Now's the time to just write! Easy for me to say, I know...   But really, just get a page down, then another. Finesse later. We're all in the same boat. Good luck, Steven.


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Dustin
Posted: December 28th, 2015, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Exchanging private messages with Jeff is enough to put anyone off writing... living, come to think of it.

Kidding! At least, a little.


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BSaunders
Posted: March 2nd, 2016, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
"A devout bachelor's life is thrown into turmoil when a woman from another dimension claims to be his wife."

That's awesome. Made me lol.

Here mines:

A highly sought after watch on display at a local museum is the target of four sets of criminals from different walks of life as they plan to steal the timepiece.
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eldave1
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders

That's awesome. Made me lol.

Here mines:

A highly sought after watch on display at a local museum is the target of four sets of criminals from different walks of life as they plan to steal the timepiece.


Just my thoughts:

Rather than "highly sought after" tell us why. e.g., a priceless watch, a watch with magical powers, a watch containing a secret, etc.

Why "local museum". It sounds small town. I am guessing that it is a highly guarded and protected  museum (i.e., otherwise, it would be easy to steal).

I don't think we need to know that the criminals are from different walks of life.

I think you also need to tell us something about the potential consequences.

So just making something up since I don't know the details (i.e., you can fill in what is accurate or not): Maybe:

Four different gangs of criminals attempt to heist a priceless watch on display at the Smithonian museum only to discover that....


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SpokenWord
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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I'll give it a shot.

(Drama) As conflict arises over ending the war threatening the existence of his people, General Koos De La Ray is confronted with demons from his past and the fear of an uncertain future.

----

I am writing this at present as a long form episodic television series. It is a period piece, circa turn of the 20th century South Africa and the end of the Second Anglo Boer War between the Boer and British Colonialists. I've completed a feature length script as well, with dialogue in Afrikaans/High Dutch, English, Zulu and Xhosa. Just need to make some edits and do some cutting and I will get it up here. I've gotta say, it's a bit disheartening to research and write something that you know Hollywood will never make, even if the script is amazing lol.

Yay period pieces. Yay subtitles lol.
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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2016, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SpokenWord
I'll give it a shot.

(Drama) As conflict arises over ending the war threatening the existence of his people, General Koos De La Ray is confronted with demons from his past and the fear of an uncertain future.

----

I am writing this at present as a long form episodic television series. It is a period piece, circa turn of the 20th century South Africa and the end of the Second Anglo Boer War between the Boer and British Colonialists. I've completed a feature length script as well, with dialogue in Afrikaans/High Dutch, English, Zulu and Xhosa. Just need to make some edits and do some cutting and I will get it up here. I've gotta say, it's a bit disheartening to research and write something that you know Hollywood will never make, even if the script is amazing lol.

Yay period pieces. Yay subtitles lol.


I would try to be a little more specific in the logline. You could reference more about the war and be specific about the "demons". I don't think you need to reference the "fears" of the future since it kind of goes without saying. Instead, use the space to tell us what his challenge is. I don't know the specifics so I can't give you an accurate logline - but I think form wise it could look something like this:

General Koos De La Ray battle to end British colonialism in South Africa is threatened by (specify the demons from the past). The only way out is to (specify what is challenge is).  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BSaunders
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Another crack yo:

A boy becomes a man through a series of strange and world-changing mishaps that
help him discover who he is and what is truly important in life.
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LC
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Brandon, I take it this is a new idea?

Reading that log I just find it incredibly vague, no idea what genre, no idea or inkling what 'strange and world changing mishaps' means etc. And, to me a 'mishap' is not generally world changing either.

So, tell me more for starters...


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