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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Ghost in the Graveyard Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Ghost in the Graveyard  (currently 5333 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ghost in the Graveyard by Yul Adenauer - Short, Family Horror - Franklin, Tennessee’s annual Halloween Festival ain’t all fun and games, as old Jeb’s bones comes a callin’.   Family Horror – 12 pages - pdf, format


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MBCgirl
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I really liked the characters in this piece. It also had a well developed story...wish it could have been a page or two longer so the end didn't have to end so quickly, but that is part of the challenge with page restriction.

It has something for everyone, male and female, family too!

Nice writing, great dialogue and it meets the challenge...a very enjoyable read!

So far it's one of my favorites!

Morgan



http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!

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alffy
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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This was really well written and the two stories merged well but I can't help but think you had to chop some out of this, the ending seems a little condensed.  The dialogue was good and the overall atmosphere was excellent, a good entry.

I don't usually say this but I have an idea who might have written this.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Tommyp
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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- Dialogue was gold.

- Story was okay.

- Characters were good.

- I think the Hannah Montana thing took focus away from the rest of the story. I would have liked something more generic and boring, so we could focus on the other stuff.

- I don't think you should have the kids smoking. Tobacco or weed. Or alcohol. Or swearing. For the family aspect.

- I would have liked to know whether the skeleton was real, or a prank.

- It ended too quickly. Maybe cut out some of the start to find some space for the ending.

Overall this was very well written in terms of action lines and dialogue, but the story could do with some tweaking. Too much crammed into 12 pages. Well done.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, now here we go.  Liked this one.  Well written and meets the challenge.

Liked the characters and got a laugh with the Achy Breaky.  Dialogue seemed real, and I like the actual locations and southern flavor.

Agree with both reviewers that it seems that the end was rushed, probably due to the page constraint.  I do like how it ends, though.

Solid effort here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam17
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I thought this one had a great backstory with ol' Jeb.  I did have to wonder what Zachary was doing in that graveyard if he knew the skeleton was gonna be coming out of the ground, though.  Seems like he'd want to be miles from there.  I think the story slowed down at the festival.  That scene didn't advance the plot too much and it was page ten before we were back at the graveyard, where all the action was.  As I said, I loved the backstory of that poor bastard Jeb.  I guess I was hoping for a more surprising twist toward the end.  Didn't happen, IMO.

Your formatting and grammar were good.  As far as the requirements of the OWC, you definitely had the festival scene, although strange things didn't really happen there.  But the mentions of joints and teenagers gettin laid at the graveyard probably push this out the "Family Horror" realm.


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent intro. Says a lot with few words.

Loved the Dutch boy haircuts.

Good capture of 11 year old boys. It was very sweet and true.

Good dialogue with the characters voices distinct.

Top notch script if you ask me. An easy read with with believable characters for their ages. Dialogue was great.

How to improve this? Maybe add a couple of pages for the ending. For a PG-ish script, I really enjoyed this one.  

The writing was great. Clear and crisp.

Out of four (I think) read 2 have been VERY good.


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stevie
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I think I know who did this but will keep mum for now.

i can just imagine this on the Disney channel - joints, booze, teenage groping. If this was combined with the killer roos, we would have something!

No, great formatting and style. Everything moved well.

Maybe the best so far...  i just want to say i consider this challenge tougher than the August music one. I really had to brainstorm and very nearly pulled out of it.


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screen_dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot.  The backstory as well as the present story was well explained and thought out.  The characters were nicely drawn.  No problems with dialogue.  I was a bit concerned with the swearing/pot smoking/drinking/etc if this is supposed to be intended for younger viewers.  But other than that, well done.

As for the ending, it did feel a bit like something was missing.  A few more pages could go a long way for clarity and closure sake.  Good job!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 18th, 2009, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Well, I'm of the opinion that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. That's why this is my first OWC review.

I really enjoyed this story. It's weird because you did almost everything I hate in a story, yet you found a way to make it all work. It felt like a PG-13 horror movie, but it also felt like it only would've worked that way.

The cheesy dialogue, awesome.
The stereotypical characters, brilliant.
Product placement, nice touch.

My only problem, and some have already stated this, is that the ending is really rushed. I'd say that after the contest, finish or re-work the ending and re-submit it and you'll have a real winner. =)

8.8/10.


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dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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I get the impression that this is the first twelve pages of a script.  You have a lot of characters and a lot of set up, and then it ends really abruptly.

There were some problems with the dialog, I thought.  Chet and Luke are supposed to be bullies, but at times they speak too polite and dainty.  Luke, at one point said, "You scared us a tad."  A tad?

I'd like to see the rest of this story.


Phil
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khamanna
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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You have glowing reviews so I hope you won't mind me saying that it took me sometime to read this.
Too many characters, I think - I don't understand the importance of them all; dialog didn't do it for me; the story jumped and juked a few times.
It kind of wanders around the main stuff, teasing and not getting to the point quickly enough and then ending quite abruptly...

Well written though and I appreciate that.
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grademan
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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WTF? Swearing and "going at it" sex and dope in this OWC? Adding Hannah Montana doesn't make up for that.

The ending wasn't an ending. I would rather you wrapped it up in 12 pages instead of leaving me hanging.

Actually I liked this story a lot. I'd like to see it completed.

Gary
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big lew
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent story telling!  The set up with old Jeb makes us wait and want it him to appear and do his fifty year appearance which means the disappearance of someone.

Definitely met the "Family Horror" genre because we didn't actually see anything horrible that would be disturbing to a kid, and we filled in the blanks in our imagination.

Not to be redundant of the other notes, but I want to acknowledge the wonderfully defined characters, well written dialog and clean and clear writing style.

Scary good!
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Baltis.
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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(EDITED FOR PR REASONS: wouldn't want to give anyone any false hopes. Their work, all of it, is solid gold material) ... Really, it is. Best ever.

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- Opening slug was written to perfection... Captured a very specific location with very few words.

- Opening dialect was tight and to the point. Hanna Montana makes me sick and so does her entire family, but even still it wasn't a huge distraction to add her stupid no talent ass in.

- EXT. MT. Hope Cemetery - Central Mausoleum - Night
The sun has set completely now. It's dark except for the harvest moon, which casts a yellow glow everywhere.

To me, that reads sluggish and clunky. It sounds good. It's descriptive, but maybe even a little too.  I'd reword it and take out the "completely" and I'd also take out the "It's Dark" we know it's dark cos the Scene Header told us it was night.  There's a lot of tweaks you can do to this Slug and still retain it's point.

- Chet and Luke's dialogue is solid... I think they're a little passive at times, though. & with the dialogue being crafted how it is one would almost get the feeling it is set in the 50's...  "Bejesus" ?? If so, tops, man. Then again, this is the south and they tend to talk ass back wards and later there was a reference to 59, so it couldn't be set in the 50's. That and the Hanna Montana bit leads me to believe they're just not talkin' right.

- Zachary's story start up was gold... Written fantastically well and convincing.

- The concert bit was pretty solid and funny. I liked how the wrap around concluded there. It shows the writer knows how to keep track of the events he's dreaming up. Good stuff.

- I liked the emergence of the Skeletal figure... It reminded me of when I was a kid and would stay at my cousins house... He had this big poster/tapestry of Iron Maiden's Eddie and he always scared the shit out of me. That's not the complete mental picture I got, but it was close enough to spark that memory...

- The ending was a bit abrupt, but it didn't lead me into thinking there was a bigger picture as Phil had stated. I guess I can see where you'd think the foundation is there for a bigger story, cos it is there... But weak ending aside, it ended better than the other 9 OWC scripts I've read.

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Couldn't say who wrote it, and that's probably better left at the gate anyways. This was a well written script with a good theme. It failed in some aspects during the set up, but it retained a Central theme through out and was entertaining. The characters were well written. The set ups were good.

If they all could've been like this, maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time reading "Festivus of Fear" "Mayor Vamp" and all the other cat squirt scripts.

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