Hey Bert,

I need to clear some things up:

1) When I say you’re getting good, I don’t mean as in an amateur getting decent. I mean as in a good writer headed toward the upper echelon. You’re approaching a level from which no one will be able to argue with your technical skill and creative prowess.

2) My review is based solely on Episode One. I’m sorry, I should have made that clear. I have not as yet read Episode Two. I plan to get to it after I read Open Your Mind. Then I’ll be back. (Oh, and by the way Oh Tuft Headed One, your little “miniseries” here has proven a great way to get a large number of posts.)

3) The Squat thing was a joke. Three-Claw is, of course, much, much better.


Brea

EPISODE TWO

Hey Bert, I really enjoy your little serial here.


****SPOILERS****


- Emily with Mrs. Honeywell - just a small little transitional scene but it reminded me of me -- haha.

- “Guns. We’re going to need lots and lots of guns.” Is this a Matrix homage? Isn’t this the line Neo says right before he goes to rescue Morpheus?

- Why does Emily call Kipple papa? This is not explained. Is their meeting explained in part III?

- Kipple abhors guns. But yet Emily is adept with them. And Kipple has no problem with obliterating an outlaw. It seemed a little inconsistent with his character. I could see if a bullet whizzed by Emily and angered him before throwing the bottle.

- Conn is a good character. He kind of reminded me of James Dean at his introduction, which is always good.

- Eleven doesn’t know what planet she’s on while talking at the campfire. No one tells her either. Buck tells here she’s in Nevada. Then she tells the history of the planet. She still wouldn’t know what planet she’s on unless she knows that Nevada is on Earth, which she wouldn’t. Maybe Kipple should inform her.

- Eleven nicknames Buck Starbuck Starr (p18 ). Moloch also nicknamed him that (p30 and also in Episode I). It’s pretty coincidental that two separate characters would come up with the exact same nickname.

- Coyote calls Eleven loco. In Spanish, a crazy woman would be loca with an a.

- "Boy, are you wearin’ a diaper?" -- haha!

- Only complaint - Moloch’s character was prominent and charismatic in Episode One. Here, he’s had his screen time diminished and his character is more linear.


Well, it’ll be interesting to see what happens since every single character is in imminent peril.


Primo work, Bert.


Brea

Quoted from Breanne Mattson 1) “Guns. We’re going to need lots and lots of guns.” Is this a Matrix homage? 2) Kipple abhors guns...Kipple has no problem with obliterating an outlaw...It seemed a little inconsistent with his character. 3) Conn is a good character.  He kind of reminded me of James Dean. 4) Coyote calls Eleven loco. In Spanish, a crazy woman would be loca with an a. 5) Moloch...had his screen time diminished and his character is more linear.

Thank you, Brea.  Quick responses:

1)  They say that?  Shite!  I thought it sounded familiar.

2)  Subtle, but a good point.  Thanks.

3)  So far Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon" and that Sawyer guy from "Lost" have been "cast" in this role by previous posters.  Not sure if Dean is available....

4)  Dang-it!  Mr. Z and Helio are supposed to catch that stuff for me.  Falling down on the job, those guys.

5)  Moloch had to make room for Conn and Coyote this time around.  He'll be back, alright.

Thanks again, Brea.  All of it's appreciated -- even the stuff that didn't get specific replies.

Quoted from bert 1)  They say that?  Shite!  I thought it sounded familiar. 2)  So far Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon" and that Sawyer guy from "Lost" have been "cast" in this role by previous posters.  Not sure if Dean is available....

1)  I watched the video (The Matrix-just for you Bert) to make certain of the actual dialogue. Neo is in a place called “the construct” with the character Trinity. Another character, outside the construct, whose name I didn’t catch, asks, “Okay. So what do you need? Besides a miracle?” Neo answers, “Guns. We need lots of guns.”

So it’s not word for word but similar enough to sound familiar.

2)  Conn only reminded me of Dean at his introduction. I agree that Owen Wilson is probably a better choice (especially since the irreplaceable Mr. Dean is no longer among the living) though Mr. Wilson’s smile isn’t all that beguiling to me personally.

Great followup to Episode 1 Bert. I won't go into details as most of my points have been covered by everyone else.

It's important, especially with a series, that the characters drive story along. You seem to have assemble a great cast that plays of each other very well. That will help you in the long run as you can play so many relationship issues and intertwine them with story archs to fill an episode (while staying true the main linear plot).

This series reminds me of the fantastic FireFly series (and Serenity movie). I think Nathan Fillian would make a great Buck, but it may resemble too much like his charater from the show. Seriously, if you haven't seen FireFly, watch a couple of episodes, you'll see the resemblence.

Can't wait to read the next episode.

Brea:  I can't believe you checked that out just for me.  How sweet.  Even if it does screw up one of my favorite lines -- maybe I'll just say it is an homage -- you can get away with anything if you do that, right?

And Owen Wilson seems to be a love him or hate him guy.  Have you seen "Zoolander"?  That film was much, much funnier than it had any right to be.

MacDuff:  Thanks for the surprise read.  You are not the first to mention FireFly -- but hearing it from you does make me feel that perhaps I should check this show out.

I've heard good things -- which is good -- even though it tanked -- which is bad -- so I guess I'll just have to check with Netflix and see for myself.  I'm pretty sure "Serenity" is out now at the very least.

Thanks again guys.

General Comment:  For the next installment I am aiming for late June.  We'll see.

Bert, my apologies, as this review is a long time coming.  I'm actually kind of ticked off at myself for not reading it actually, since I really anticipated the arrival of Conn, and while I'm on the subject, and others seem to be casting him, I'll throw my two cents in and say Aaron Eckhart.

Waitaminute.  Here I am praising one of your secondary characters, and I stumble upon something known as "Shelton Syndrome".  Oh, great.  Do I really need to start laying out a bunch of movies where the main character is a relatively uninteresting person surrounded by oddballs?  Sheesh.

Having gone through all of the previosu posts, it looks like most of the things I've noticed have already been commented on, so I'll keep this mostly to the point.

I enjoyed this chapter, not so much because of the story involved, but because of the introduction of the new characters.  I think Conn, Coyote, and the little bit we see of Primus really help to strengthen this story on the whole.  

I must say that as much credit as you give me for dialogue, I can say the same thing about your action and descriptions.  I fidn them to be spot on and concise without being overbearing.  I really have no idea what the hell a power verb is, but your stuff REALLY works.

I see you've brought back inferno, always a classic, and used oblivion in the same sense.  I did not however see a "yellowbelly".  Why, oh why, not?  

Really looking forward to the next one, which I hope I can be a little more on top of.

Quoted from Shelton Waitaminute....something known as "Shelton Syndrome"....

You saw that, huh?  I thought that was safely buried away in the depths of this thread -- it was right about the time I'd finished reading "Hero of her Heart", I think.  Leave it to you to go mining for it.

But you should be happy to be the namesake of a script-related syndrome, you big baby.  It could be worse -- like, Tourette's or something, you know?

And "yellow-belly" is already going into the rewrite for episode one, which is why you didn't find it here.

The next episode is going to have one important segment that is devoted to Buck -- all on his own, with no support -- and we'll see how that goes.

Hey,

The stuff I had to say has pretty much been said but any ways...

I liked this quite a bit. I enjoy serials (although I agree that its not a traditional serial but I think that, like dogglebe, if you would have broken each of the episodes up it could have been written as a serial) Any way, I think it works fairly well as is.

I think you write really well especially descriptions (I hope I absorbed some of that skill while reading) Also, contrary to some other posters I enjoyed some of the more "off" descriptions, like the  "fast like lightning" thing for example. But what do I know, you should probably listen to the more experienced folks.

You had a lot of eccentric and entertaining characters which I always enjoy. Especially Conn  who is probably my favorite character. I really love the idea of a magician outlaw. The only thing is, as another person mentioned, I think the cast kind of outshines Starbuck Starr who I in general found less interesting, but then again I have a tendency to like the side characters more then the main character, especially in serials.

I read one comment about jumping back in forth between a Roy Rogers and Spaghetti Western tone.  I'll just put out there that I was completely comfortable with it, perhaps because there is already a bit of genre hopping.

Well anyway, although it looks like no ones touched this in a while, I hope I do eventually get to see an episode three. And while I'm here congratulations on earning a doctorate. Out of curiosity, what are you a doctor of? Like a medical doctor or a love doctor?

Sheepwalker      

I wasn’t going to wake up this thread until I had a new episode to put on it; what a nice surprise to find that someone has already dug it up.

Starting with some of the latter comments first:

Quoted from Soap Hands I hope I do eventually get to see an episode three.

Oh, yeah.  The treatment for this is complete.  I simply have not had the time to flesh it out into its final form because…

Quoted from Soap Hands Out of curiosity, what are you a doctor of? Like a medical doctor or a love doctor?

“Love doctor” haha.  But then, aren’t we all?

Several of the older members already know I was busy earning a doctorate in Biochemistry.  It was all-consuming -- which is why I haven’t written anything "for fun" in maybe a year or more.  But now that is behind me, and completing this series is something I hope to get moving on soon.  I am shooting for a new episode this fall.  

Quoted from Soap Hands I enjoyed some of the more "off" descriptions, like the  "fast like lightning" thing for example. But what do I know, you should probably listen to the more experienced folks.

NO!  You have to trust your instincts.  For every person out there saying, "that's wrong", there is another person saying, "I like it."  While there are some unwavering rules with screenwriting, those “gray areas” are for you, the writer, to navigate as you think best.

And that is what feedback is for, anyway.  Do what you think is best until somebody really convinces you otherwise.

Quoted from Soap Hands The cast kind of outshines Starbuck Starr…

You are correct.  It is a flaw I am still trying to hammer out.

Quoted from Soap Hands I read one comment about jumping back in forth between a Roy Rogers and Spaghetti Western tone…I was completely comfortable with it…there is already a bit of genre hopping.

That was Phil, but I do like your response to his criticism.

So thanks for dredging up my series and reminding me that I need to get cracking on some new additions.  I am glad you liked it, S.W.  It is one amongst my favorite things I have written.  I will be sure to check out some of your work as time permits, but I am in the middle of moving right now, so it will just have to be a surprise as to when…      

This is actually pretty sweet, you know! I'm a sucker for this kind of genre - and I think Firefly should've made us all appreciate the natural progression from Westerns to Space Westerns - but this was done with real love for the various genres it straddles. There was an ace novel by Babylon 5's Bruce Boxleitner along similar lines - aliens land in the Old West - and for some reason it's a mixture that seems to work well. There's obvious thematic parallels that I won't go into here, suffice to say that me likey.

The stylised direction? That works for me. It's nice to see a bit of unique voice go into a script, as long as it isn't overpowering. See, in the realm of virtual series where I work, we write scripts for our site that have little chance of making it to professional production, so we can foord to go a bit more in-depth with our descriptions and actions. It makes the finished product a much more visually evocative read.

In fact, if I have a fault it's that this is too short, even for a half-hour drama. You could easily cram three or four more pages in here - do more with the Indian, who kind of shows up and gets accepted pretty quick.

So I give this one a big fat:

Hey, thanks for the look M.Z.  This one is still very much a work in progress.  The remainder of this story is mapped out, I just need to find the time to do it.

I am pleased that you could appreciate the style, and you are absolutely right that at our level, if we cannot inject a little of ourselves and break a few minor rules, then what’s the point?  This story may never actually see production, but it might serve as a nice calling-card script when finally complete.  I hope so, anyway.

As for the odd length, this is eventually going to become a feature-length, and the short episodes were supposed to mimic an old serial.  Of course, the second episode is 40 pages, so I guess I am kind of all over the place with it haha.

I popped over to your own site for a glance, btw, and I have to say, that is a mighty impressive body of work you guys are collecting over there.  A passing grade on this from the likes of you makes me feel pretty good.

Thanks again for the kind words -- as I suspect you know -- that is the kind of stuff that really keeps us going.

Quoted from bert Several of the older members already know I was busy earning a doctorate in Biochemistry.  It was all-consuming -- which is why I haven’t written anything "for fun" in maybe a year or more.  But now that is behind me, and completing this series is something I hope to get moving on soon.  I am shooting for a new episode this fall.

Bert, congratulations on receiving your doctorate! But come on. Don’t act like earning a doctorate in Biochemistry and writing screenplays both was just too much work. Oh boo hoo! Get the little baby a binky! You could have done both, lazybones!………I’m just teasing you. I’m very proud of you, Doctor. Oooh I like that. I like calling you Doctor.

Quoted from bert Oh, yeah.  The treatment for this is complete.  I simply have not had the time to flesh it out into its final form…

You said this on August 29th, 2007. Still no final installment. What’s your excuse now Doctor? We already have a Dr. Mabuse. Now it looks like we have Dr. Excuse.


Breanne

Ahh...fresh abuse from Brea is always such pleasure -- but in that sadomasochistic kind of way that is so hard to describe -- like a cold shower on a sunburn.

And thanks for the kindish words, Ms. Holif...oh, but perhaps it is no longer Holifield.

Hearty congratulations of your own are in order by now, I suspect.  And as I told you before, you can be sure that more than one lonely screenwriter shed a small tear on that happy day.

As for Starbuck, his triumphant return will occur.  But I rushed it out before I was really ready to go all out with it and let the series down.  

Dr. Excuse haha.  Pithy as always, and working on several levels.  But I promised Wesley I would not start things back up until I was really ready to do it right; that is, seeing it through to its conclusion in a timely fashion.  I want to make sure I have things ready to go all the way this time.

The concluding scenes as plotted are obscenely overblown -- ten times bigger than the runaway train scenes.  They will be very fun to write, and I will just have to do my best to pull the readers back when the time comes.

Thanks for checking in and letting us know you are still lurking around.  It is nice to know that you're out there.

Well I read the first episode and I loved it.  

Buck reminds me of a Bruce Campbell type.

I liked Eleven, it's a shame about her.  Maybe a rewrite so she makes it out in time?  I think she would have the potential to be a really good character.

And the only thing I really noticed that felt off in the script was in the beginning when you were introducing Barbos.  I think it would save space to tell us his name in the first line i.e. Barbos, a shambling, misshappen brute, etc

I'll get to the next one when I can.