Thanks, Abe.  Actually, your "throwaway" idea isn't too bad.  A little foreshadowing, but something that doesn't make sense until later.  I'm not exactly sure what he would say, either -- but I completely get what you mean.

"Gimme some feed" he says.  Haha, I like that.  Dropping comments on the things you read is by far the best way to get people curious about where you are coming from as another writer, you know?  Keep doing that and you'll probably get plenty of feed.

Thanks again for your thoughts on this one.

And Bert delivers again in another chilling short tale. I think I've read everything you have finally.

Very clever and well executed. I did wonder why the truck drove away only to come back later. It worked dramtically and makes perfect sense from that angle, but from a character angle, it just makes me wonder why the delay. Obviously there was a point to be made, so why not make it immediately? I turn it over in my head, and obviously there has to be time to take it inside, but then we come back to why? Just so he can fool with it for a little while and make his discovery? Scare tactic? I dunno. It's my only comment on it, really.

Now, to be honest, I wouldn't change a thing. It has good pacing, a good main character, good enough supporting, a dgreat plot and twist, and solid reasoning. If there were a good way to explain away this little piece of delay, that would only add to it, but given the way it flows, it works very, very well.

Thanks, George.  I guess you hadn't seen this one.  Wish I could say the same about reading all of your stuff, but sheesh -- is that even possible?  It would be like trying to bail out New Orleans with a dixie cup.  Belial looks interesting, though -- kind of a 2nd cousin to Fempiror -- and I hope to check it out in the coming weeks.

As to your comment -- yeah, you are right about that -- but boy is that subtle.  I had never noticed that, and you'd think I would have (but kept it to myself...).  I wonder if there is an easy fix for that?  I'll have to think about it.

And thanks for the read through, of course.  It's always fun when I get to give a little bump to my stories together.

Quoted from bert Thanks, George.  I guess you hadn't seen this one.

  

I'd heard of it a few times, and just never got to reading it. Last night, I remembered it and finally got to it.

Quoted from bert Belial looks interesting, though -- kind of a 2nd cousin to Fempiror --

Call it the short version of my ability to create a world. The presell for Fempiror.

Quoted from bert As to your comment -- yeah, you are right about that -- but boy is that subtle.  I had never noticed that, and you'd think I would have (but kept it to myself...).  I wonder if there is an easy fix for that?  I'll have to think about it.

I figure you deserve a little nit-picking, which is what the comment is. It's just one of those thigns that if you can figure out any way to work it, great, but if you can't, don't worry about it. I think you did great with this, but if I can find something to pick at, I'll do it. What doesn't kill us and all that...

I don't know if it was because it was set in a junkyard or what, but this script had me thinking of Stephen King's Christine. I think it also had a lot to do with your writing style as well. Are you a big Stephen King fan?

SPOILERS

I loved the tow truck scene when Kimber got smashed, that was nuts, it had me thinking, what the hell is going on here? So I guess that means you succeeded in creating intrigue. I also felt the story was economically told, because at no stage did I feel the story lagging. The solid ending had me thinking about Stephen King again and how this story could have sat quite well as an episode in either of the Creepshow movies.

So, well done Burt, this is one of the better scripts I've read on this site.  

Hey -- Thanks, Takeshi.  I missed this with all the new stuff going up.

And yeah, the King connection comes up from time to time in reader comments.  But heck, I grew up on that stuff, and I will never deny his influence.  In fact, I kind of dig it when people pick up on it.

Thanks again for your comments.  I am still chuckling over "1000 Masks", by the way.

Hey Bert. This was really good. The Stephen King influence remains prevalent throughout per the usual but it really only shows as an influence. I think you’ve forged your own style. I’m judging by movies based on King’s work. I don’t much read the literature on which those movies are based. I could probably count on one hand how many Stephen King books I’ve read.

As far as scripts, however, I can see the influence but I can see the Robert Newcomer original style. As usual, you cannot resist the…I’ll call them…Bertisms…casual exposition that adds an almost humorous dimension (Yeah. It’s loaded), but you do have quite a knack for the chilling.

I really enjoyed it. Good job. I hope Hollywood one day pulls its head out of its ass and produces a Robert Newcomer Horror film. I’ll leave the theater with my hair standing up like that little tuft of hair on your head -- haha.

Brea (<=obsessed with Bert’s little tuft of hair on his head)

Hey, thanks alot for looking, Brea.  This one seems to be the one people like best, so I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when I get itchy to write another.

And it will be chock full o' "Bertisms"  -- my new favorite word!!

I thank you, and my hair thanks you.

good easy read. i admire the way you write your descriptions...almost novel-esque.
sharp dialogue.

loved the ending.

Thank you, H.D. , and thanks for the compliment.

I've been told by some that my descriptions are a bit much, but fortunately, most people don't seem to have a problem with it.  It's hard to find the right balance sometimes.

And "writing uphill" -- haha -- that's funny.

Boy am I glad somebody revived this thread..
I'm going to be honest Bert. Horror is not one of my favorite genres. I often detest the new ones, and I'm not a fan of reading them on this site. Particularly since twisted torture has been the latest craze. However you write using such vivid descriptions and language that it paints (a rather unpretty) portrait of what your characters sees into my head. The way you described the mother and child was effective and made my knees weak.

Your idea, a creative one can easily be butchered by unskilled writer. But you handeled it with the care that I think horror films need these days.

I particularly liked how you described the police officer as "comfortable in his uniform." Simply wordered and gave me a clear image of what this character is like.

Great job.

Holy crow...what is going on with this script today?

And I...well...I really liked your review, Tony.  Thanks alot.  Whether you know it or not, what you said is some of my favorite stuff to hear.  Us horror writers spend most of our time walking around like Rodney Dangerfield looking for a little respect, you know?

So that's three bumps in one day.  Nuts.  Now I have to go read some of the submissions from last week and bump myself down so I don't look like a selfish s.o.b.

Hey Bert,

I just finished this last night, as well as ALL-MART.

*SPOILERS*

Okay, I didn't think this one was good as ALL-MART, but it was still great - and at the ending - wonderfully weird!

You've planned this quite well. Everythings up-to scratch, and the Donnie character is exactly how I would expect a junkyard owner to be like.

The dialouge was nice - and snappy for that fact.  The driver's dialouge was great, and eerie at the same time. The time of day in this script makes it a great setting.

The ending was quite unexpected. Oh, and do I see something relevant to ALL-MART?  "As the rip widens, the blood-soaked bodies of a WOMAN and
CHILD slowly emerge from the car." - This may be the bodies of Mom and her Son - their ride home sabataged!

It was great. The weird dog. The ripped faces. The mangled bodies. Of course, it wasn't gory or 'the biggest horror of the year', but you definately captured the eerieness in this. Great job!

Curse!

Hey Bert,

Over all good script very different.

"SPOILERS"


Page 7 no character only dialoge.
You don't say anything about Donnie reloading his gun only that he emptyed several rounds and then again empted several more rounds into the trunk of the car. A revolver only holds six rounds.  Just somethings for you to think about.


I like the part at the end with the tie rod.  Good use of actions in this one.

Dan

While I think I read a very similar story in an old House of Mystery comic book, I found this script to be very enjoyable.  Characterization was good.  Donny was a slob, but not overly so, and the driver had a good air of mystery to him.

Pacing was very good, though I do agree with Dan about that one page of all action.


Phil