Thanks, Higgs.  I wasn't gonna respond to this -- I gave "Angels" a read instead -- but then I saw this would be post #75 and thought what the heck, you know?

What an odd take you have on this story.

I wonder where you got the idea that they were "salvaging" from other people?  This is a supposed to be revenge tale, specific for ol' Donnie.  Now I have to go read it again and see if I am sending out an unintentional message somewhere.

Thanks, Higgs, for bringing up a possible hiccup in the narrative.  I will give it a look.

I always like it when this one gets bumped around Halloween, though...and thanks for an excuse to get my little red #75 ball haha.

Quoted from bert What an odd take you have on this story. I wonder where you got the idea that they were "salvaging" from other people?  This is a supposed to be revenge tale, specific for ol' Donnie.  Now I have to go read it again and see if I am sending out an unintentional message somewhere.

Wow.  I'm embaressed.  i completely didn't get the revenge angle.  I thought they simply were in a car crash and all that talk of getting used parts was that they were going around and killing people and taking their "used parts" in order to replenish their lost ones.  I really saw a twist that wasn't there.  i like it though, and I can't believe no one else thought the same thing:

1. he's coming at him with an AXE, perfect for removing parts.

2.  When asked what he wants, he say's "spare parts"

3. He and his family are all missing parts.

I just thought the fact that he sold spare parts made it ironic.  Huh.

This one was nicely written.  

It didn't engage me quite as much as Someplace Nice and Dark, but it was enjoyable standard horror fare.  

I think the reason I didn't feel quite as involved was because the characters in this one weren't as likeable.  It wasn't like I disliked them but I found I didn't care as much about what was happening to them.

I thought the horror was handled well and it had a few surprises but all in all it seemed pretty standard.  That isn't a criticism in that I don't think it's something you need to change, it's just my observation.

The second half of my double-bump.  Whee.

Quoted from mcornetto It didn't engage me quite as much as Someplace Nice and Dark, but it was enjoyable standard horror fare.

  

I was thinking of those old shock-horror comic books while this one was written.  I will agree that it is a fairly straightforward story that does not try to accomplish too much.  It’s not like there is a message here or anything.

Quoted from mcornetto I think the reason I didn't feel quite as involved was because the characters in this one weren't as likeable.

I will agree with this, too.  And that can get filed with my first response.

But this one is overdue for a reworking, actually.  And it will focus on Donnie, probably losing Kimber.  I will have to kill a few darlings in the process -- (the bouncing headlights that accompany Kimber’s demise are my favorite detail in the whole story, darn it) -- but enough readers have convinced me that he does not belong in this story.

Focusing more on Donnie will likely strengthen his character, and that is probably a good thing here.  I think you are correct that the story would be stronger if it were more invested in Donnie’s plight alone, all by himself.
  

Quoted from mcornetto ...but all in all it seemed pretty standard.

Fair enough.  But thank you for glancing over some of this stuff.  Comments are always fun -- they are what keep us going -- and it may even help inspire me to quit procrastinating on the new stuff...    

This is, at its core, a very simple story. That said, it's the accoutrements -- the well written discriptives that make this a winner. Where you excel, I think, is in bringing to life not only characters, but also their surroundings (something I'm going to pay more attention to as I write).

Anyway, this script left me with but one question: Why did the driver leave? He of course returns -- in any case, I'm left wondering why he left in the first place. Perhaps I missed something.

Seth

Hey Bert,

This was really good. The premise of the story is simple and straight forward, which is often the the best way to go. Your descriptions are top notch, very rich and visual, but be careful of not overselling it. While your introduction of the Junkyard sets a great tone it does take up a whole page but, on screen, it would probably not take more than 10-15 seconds to show (it eats up space, if you know what I mean).

You established Donnie's (love the name btw) character really well and quite easily actually, so that was good. He comes off very believable and everything he does seems to suit his character.

The story, like I said, is straight forward - you're not curing cancer - and while it's not overly original, it definitely has its moments of brilliance. I thought that when you first introduced the Driver (in his black coat) that it was very generic of the genre, but your introduction of his mutilated family really took it to another level. The fact that Donnie runs out of bullets also kinda rubbed me the wrong way - that you could see coming a mile away.

I know you needed to build up suspense and tension, but when you look at it objectively, it really doesn't make much logical sense for the driver to drop the car off at the junkyard, drive away - and then come back. It seems that you were stalling it a bit (which is fine in itself) but you need a reason in the script to justify this.

There wasn't a whole lot of dialogue in this script but what was there worked well I think. I really liked this line:

Quoted from Salvage DRIVER An arm here, a leg there...it all adds up, you know?

In respect of the writing and format, the script is pretty solid. This one seems a bit strange though.

Quoted from Salvage INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK

Also, there's a couple of instances were you the "is" approach, like 'is barreling' or 'is coming'. Personally I don't like those and I think that if you were to write the same script today, then you would probably write those things differently.

Anyways, I thought it was a good and entertaining read.


Cheers
Rob

Hey, thank you guys.  I've been thinking a lot on this one lately, and this really helps.

Quoted from Sniper It really doesn't make much logical sense for the driver to drop the car off at the junkyard, drive away - and then come back.

Quoted from Seth Why did the driver leave?

Honestly?  It was a device to get Kimber into the picture, if only temporarily.  In a new draft with Kimber gone, the driver can just smash through the gates and get things rolling right away.  Donnie's story can be expanded a bit, with Donnie all by himself.

The pacing should be better, and things should make a bit more sense.

Quoted from Sniper While your introduction of the Junkyard sets a great tone it does take up a whole page but, on screen, it would probably not take more than 10-15 seconds to show (it eats up space, if you know what I mean).

I get what you mean, but I envisioned the credits playing over these early scenes.  It reads (I hope) as a series of shots, as the camera moves from the gates, through the junkyard, to the trailer, to the window, and finally settling on Donnie.  Trying to "suggest" to the director without telling him what to do explicitly.   I will re-examine that segment with brevity in mind, though.  It does run long.

Quoted from Sniper The fact that Donnie runs out of bullets also kinda rubbed me the wrong way - that you could see coming a mile away.

I would have seen it coming, too.  There is a certain type of audience -- you amongst them, I suppose -- that will always see that cliché coming.

Regarding the slugline and the “is” stuff:

Quoted from Sniper …if you were to write the same script today, then you would probably write those things differently.

You bet.  There has been some bitching lately about reviewers calling out small nits, but I appreciate it.  I might have skimmed right over them on a rewrite, but now I won’t.

I’m gonna return to this one before too long, I think, with big changes in the middle.  I think I might give Donnie a dog -- but the animal-lovers ain't gonna be too fond of what happens to it haha.

I appreciate it guys.  Thanks.  It occurs to me now that I do not recall having read a Sniper piece before, which surprises me a bit.  I'll have to fix that before too long, too.

Hi Bert, Just wanted to say great story, really enjoyed reading it. Getting ready to have a bash at my own first short and this story is gonna be my benchmark i think.

I am surprised you are considering a re-draft without Kimber, i realize that that his presence exposed a few questions that remain unanswered but reading through some of the earlier comments on this post i have a few thoughts on a scenario that may actually explain all.

** is it cool to offer story suggestions on these forums, i don't want to offend so if i am in the wrong please let me know!

I think a back story for Kimber would be a good way forward, does not have to be much would would give a good excuse to kill him and at the same time provide the answer as to why the driver waited for a while before coming back to the salvage yard, i.e. he was waiting for Kimber to show up.

My idea was that when Kimber comes to the yard he is actually let in by Donnie and gets to see the car, it is then that Kimber realizes that he has seen the car before, that very morning in fact when he was called to the scene of an RTA.  If Kimber is somehow a corrupt cop and said something / or did something in the presence of the dead family, he obviously thought he would get away with it with no witness (maybe steals the woman's wedding ring or something).

Once Kimber sees the car we maybe get a flashback to what happened, the drivers face could be out of shot as not to spoil the surprise and as soon as the flashback is over then the truck comes back to the yard and kills Kimber. Of course there is  no reason for the driver to know that Kimber would be the cop who comes out to the yard, but many horror films tend to be small town, one cop stories and in many cases the plot hinges on this fact, so not really a plot-hole or very much out of place.

Anyway, just my thoughts, it was a great story and not really spoilt by the unanswered questions at all.

Thanks

Now, see?  I am already curious as to what you might come up with once inspiration finally strikes.  Ol’ Murphy here is a fast learner haha.

If only more of the new members would figure out that you can actually post somewhere besides the Movie Rumor board.

Quoted from Murphy …is it cool to offer story suggestions on these forums?

It's the reason we are here.  The single-most useful aspect of these forums.

And I know exactly what you mean about skimming over the plot holes introduced by Kimber.  I, too, think that if you were actually watching this on the screen the momentum of the story would carry you right over those inconsistencies.

I did not even notice it while writing this!  The readers are the ones that called me on it.

So, the problem is -- now I know they are there.  Darn it.  And if I ignore it, well, I might as well go sticking an elephant in there or something, you know?

Quoted from Murphy Once Kimber sees the car we maybe get a flashback to what happened...

I did not want to get bogged down in a lot of backstory, but yes, a quick flashback could work, too, couldn't it, if the circumstances were appropriate.  I had not really considered that option, but will think on it a bit now, for sure.

Quoted from Murphy …it was…not really spoilt by the unanswered questions at all.

So thanks for muddying the water  

That’s a joke, Murphy.  Thanks for your thoughts.  And welcome to the boards.  Good luck with your stuff.

Sorry,  don't mean to muddy the water Its always the same with most films aint it? If the story is well written and well paced then small plot-holes and so on can seem so insignificant you do not even think about them. However as soon as one person notices one and mentions it it is hard to get out of your  mind i guess.

This story was executed brilliantly, the pace and suspense were excellent throughout and thus little questions do not even come to mind. If they come after then it is less important, as long as your 90 mins in the cinema were enjoyable who cares if you start to question little details on the drive home?

Anyway that would be my philosophy, Thanks for your kind words, i am planning to read the Farm at some point this week if it is as well written as this then i am sure it will be a good read.

Thanks

Hey,

This was pretty good and well written. Your descriptions and dialog were good. I don't have a lot to complain about but I'll think of something. Uh...

Ok, how 'bout this.

I thought the introduction of Kimber kind of seemed out of place. I mean, it makes sense logically but it felt weird to have him just show up and die. You get a pretty good surprise and, I imagine, scare but at the same time it felt weird.

Also, Kimber, from what I saw, didn't really seem like he deserved what the driver did to him. The driver's got a reason to go after Donnie, but to hide in the bushes until kimber shows up feels like a dickish thing to do. So I guess I was a little put off by that. You might be able to alleviate this problem for me if you did some more stuff with Kimber before he bites the dust.

Also, through most of it, I didn't think you were going to go supernatural on me and when you did I was a little disappointed, I guess because I wasn't expecting it. I think you could fix this problem by either 1) not making the Driver a Zombie but rather just an angry guy out for revenge or 2) Hinting more at the supernatural earlier.

So, overall it was good. I was able to overlook these problems I had with it, I was being knit picky so I'd have something to say.

Any way, good job,

sheepwalker

Thanks, SW.  While I know it is very weasel-like to respond to an old comment right after a new batch of stuff has been posted, I just got back from vacation, so I must beg your indulgence.

Quoted from Soap Hands Kimber kind of seemed out of place...it felt weird to have him just show up and die...Also, Kimber…didn't really seem like he deserved what the driver did to him...feels like a dickish thing to do.

Your assessment is correct.  In a couple of previous posts I talked about removing Kimber from this story, and I am still struggling with that.

And I also wanted to acknowledge your calling the driver "dickish", which cracked me up for some reason that I have yet to figure out.

Quoted from Soap Hands I didn't think you were going to go supernatural on me...

Now this comment caught me off guard.  I always assumed I was pretty up front with that -- it's where the majority of my stuff goes -- but I guess I can see what you mean.

Quoted from Soap Hands ...hinting more at the supernatural earlier.

Interesting.  If I discover a good place for that, I may consider it.

Thanks for the comments, S.W. -- and "knit picky" is always preferable to a simple pat on the back by my estimation.

I appreciate your taking the time to drop a few thoughts.

*walks into thread*

HOLY F*CK!

This was insanely good, Bert. I mean, wow.  I loved this script so much that I actually read it twice. It's just so darn creepy and it hits ALL the right places.  This was a good ol' fashion horror story, which was well-written and nicely paced. I would love to see this script produced. It reminds me so much of Stephen King! I just love SK!

Improvement:

In order to make this story work a little better, it'd be nice to change Donnie's characterization a bit.  What I mean is that at the end, I feel bad for him. I don't quite understand why this dead family is after him.  Yes, he sold them the used parts and they were defective, but is that really his fault? As a person who sells used parts, you're not an expert on every piece.  You get junk, do a quick inspection, and a test run to see if the piece works.  I'm sure Donnie did this.  You don't state otherwise.  So, why is he really dying for?  Is it false advertisement? Used parts, good as new when they obviously weren't?  Although one can argue than even new parts can have defects in them...

My problem is with the driver.  He had to know that USED parts are never the same as NEW parts. Yes they may be "as good as" but they are never EXACTLY the same.  This man preferred spending less on that piece and it didn't pay off for him. It was a tragic ACCIDENT, but I don't think that Donnie ever imagined anything like that could happen.

Furthermore, the way you portray Donnie is odd. I guess you're going for the smelly, ugly pervert feel. He's overweight, wearing clothing too small for him, and watching porn.  So what? Are we immediately supposed to loath the man and want him dead because of these unappealing traits? That wasn't the case for me.  I liked Donnie, at least enough to not want to see the poor man killed at the end.  The thing with Donnie is that he's NOT shown to be a bad guy.  He's not Mr. Perfect, of course, but he is far from being a guy you want to butchered by ghosts. He's an ordinary flawed man who sold a part to a man that ended up being defected and causing a tragic accident. There was no malice in his actions and no culpability that I can see.

I enjoyed this story a lot. The writing is wonderful, but I didn't like seeing either character die (Kimber or Donnie). I don't think this story is set up for either one of them deserving their deaths.  You can correct this is you show Donnie having a HISTORY of doing this kind of thing.  You can connect this to Kimber if you want (thus making both men deserving of their deaths).  Remember the phone call when Kimber asks Donnie about that feud with them Fitchner boys? Maybe that's Donnie's business competition. Donnie may mention that not too long ago, he was losing customers because of this competition, but now with his LOWER prices he is winning them back. Kimber can take credit for some of this and say something like, "See, I told you so, just advertise this junk as new and no one will ever know the difference." In this way, both characters are suddenly involved in this plan to DECEIVE people and they are obviously aware that what they are selling IS in fact junk. They may even mention the word defective. "People don't want lifetime guarantees no more; they can't afford it; this defective junk we sell, it may last them one or two trials runs, but what else are they gonna afford?" and then maybe insert some chuckling or something. *shrugs* just a thought.

One last thing, when the ghosts repeat Donnie's little motto, used parts..etc and the driver says "That's what we're here for" is he implying that the family, which lost various limbs, is also there to take advantage of Donnie's deal of "used parts good as new"? I thought that was a very CREEPY twist in the story.  Where Donnie suddenly becomes the "junk" in this yard and his parts are the ones that will be "sold" good as new.  anyway, this wasn't 100 percent clear, which is why I'm asking. If this was not your intention, I kind of wish you would go back and add that as, maybe not a twist in the story, but maybe an ironic look at Donnie's words coming to bite him in the ass.

So, if this is supposed to be more of a revenge type of horror story, then it needs to have a CLEARER, more justifiable reason for revenge. Right now these ghosts just seem bitter, wanting to blame poor Donnie for a bad accident.

*shrugs*

4/5 stars

Quoted from KelterDai …but I don't think that Donnie ever imagined anything like that could happen…I liked Donnie...there was no malice in his actions and no culpability that I can see.

I didn’t think it was possible for anybody to raise a fresh angle on this story, but your points are really well taken, KelterDai.  I like Donnie, too, and have never considered the point of view that you raise here.  Geez.

I am going to lose Kimber in a future draft, expanding this tale a bit with Donnie alone (although I might give him a dog).  Some backstory, as you mention -- alluding to the fact that this aspect of his business is pervasive -- certainly does belong there.  

Quoted from KelterDai Donnie suddenly becomes the "junk" in this yard…

Haha.  That's pretty good, and your assessment was correct.  Higgs (another reader on here) missed that completely, so it might not just be you.  I will have think about ways to clarify that.

Thanks for some fresh eyes on this one, K.D., and welcome to the boards.  Looks like you are a horror guy, too, so let me know if you put something up of your own so I can check it out.

^^^ Bert, I'm actually a female!