Good, vivid descriptions.  With Donnie's introduction get a good feel for what type of person he is, dialog that matches actions for the character.

Instead of saying he's wearing a trench coat for weather that's hot.  Maybe show Donnie, inside with his porn, with the fan going, sweat pouring down his face.  And then when the guy in the trenchcoat arrives, we figure out for ourselves its too hot for any sane person to be wearing a coat.

Seems it would be Donnie who's ass would be in trouble if the guy just left the car there. It's sitting in front of his junkyard.

Good dialog between Kimber and Donnie, sharing details about Donnie without exposition.

Why didn't the black truck ram its way into the junkyard when it first arrived?  Yes the police showed up, but if you leave bodies in a car that's to be expected.


SPOILERS


A little overwritten here and there, but still a very good read.  Actually I was a bit jealous as I read this. Wonderful description, characters that speak in their own voice, and actions appropriate to their personality and what is going on.  A twist I never saw coming with the Driver being a ghost, and wonderful play on words.

The only thing that doesn't work for me is the arrival of the police officer, it seems out of place.  I'd cut it and when Donnie won't open the gate for the driver when he drops off the car, have the driver smash in the gate at that point.  The driver wants to get at Donnie, so he tries to drop off a car, and when Donnie won't play nice he smashes his way in to get his revenge.

I forgot to respond to Phil.  I went back to look at the page without dialogue, and I can see what you mean.  But the only way to fix that would be to have him talking to himself -- and I usually try to keep that to a minimum.  Perhaps there is another way to break this up.

And I can’t deny the “House of Mystery” style you noticed, either.  This story is an original one (promise!) -- but the telling of it is lifted right from the pages of that old rag.

Thus far I have resisted the temptation to use a few of those old stories -- but it doesn’t mean there aren’t a couple that I would love to use.  I've got one from "Eerie" that would completely rock.  I wonder what kind of copyright laws are in place for an adaptation of something so old?

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Thank you, too, Wildgrace.  George (the only other reader to do so, I think) also picked up on the “Why?” with the police officer, and I have to confess it is just to keep the story moving along like I wanted it to.

The driver is just messing with him -- drawing it out, I suppose. Yeah, that is kind of lame -- but I think it all makes “horror” sense in the end -- if not rational sense.  Most horror starts to break down if you think about it too hard...

I’ll just chalk that up as a small logic breakdown that doesn’t kill the story by itself -- until I come up with a justification that doesn’t bog things down with exposition -- which probably would kill the momentum of this story.

Here's an idea for you, Bert. A little thing to maybe throw into the "why" bucket. Why would the driver drop the car off only to come back later? The driver is looking for revenge, but maybe there is a point he needs to make first. If it is crystal clear that Donnie needs to find something out first, and THEN be re-visited, then it works. Maybe he's supposed to "get" something. He doesn't get it, so the driver returns. Maybe he does get it, and when he does, it triggers the driver's reentrance. I think what I was previously missing here was a trigger of some sort. Something that causes the next stage instead of a random reentry. Just musing.

Very good horror story in Steven Spielberg's "Duel" sordid atmosphere. I was hanging to my seat reading it.

It looked almost perfect to me. Not a lot to say. Maybe the Internet part at the beginning could be changed. I see Donnie as a has-been redneck. Taking the Internet part out will give a more intemporal tone to the story. Used porn magazines look more squalish to me.

Michel

Nice little short you've got here Bert!

Being in the auto parts business I can say that I know more about this subject than I care to. If people only knew the crap parts they get on their cars when they take them in for repair they'd be horrified. Even at the dealers you get crap unless you specify OEM.

Anyway,

IMHO, your writing style here was really good, but has become even better. Your writing is sharper and more terse now, yet still as descriptive.

I was surprised to see some foul language in this one since you tend to stay fairly clean and reserved in your style. You also had a little more violence, gore and intenseness here. I enjoyed that part. I think I've even said in some other thread somewhere that you should relax a little more. Not hold back so much. After reading this one, I believe that even more so. You did good here, let things get a little crazy every now and then.

PS. Why did the cop have to die? He didn't do anything wrong.

Yay -- post number 50 haha.

Quoted from tomson P.S. Why did the cop have to die? He didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah -- George called me on that, too.  He had to die because -- well, that is just the price one must pay for serving as a minor character in a horror story.

Actually, that is a flaw here that will be addressed someday.  When writing this, the momentum of the story carried me right over that kill without my even giving it a second thought.  Good eye catching that.  Most haven't -- or at least, they didn't mention it.

The cursing served the story, I thought, and the excess gore was an experiment with something I hadn't done before.  It was fun, and (for me, anyway) harder than I thought it might be.

Thanks for the Halloween bump on one of my scary ones, Pia!  

WITH SPOILERS

Wow, Bert - I love this one - it worked on all levels!

First, I have to say that I like your descriptions.  You have a smooth, articulate way with words, with lines such as:

   "two lane truck route disappearing into infinity"
   "a few windshields...have a matching set - one right, one left"
   even: "the saline-enhanced breasts of a pouting blonde"

It's a pleasure to read, and the dialogue is natural, too.  (I also appreciate the fact that the cop isn't cliche, something that always bothers me when I see it in a script.)

The story is tight, to the point...and the ending works perfectly.  There's a good reason for the ghouls to seek revenge, and the punishment fits the crime quite well (...we're here for spare parts...)

I haven't read alot of scripts yet, but at least to this point this is the best I've read...!  I don't think it needs a single rewrite.  It's ready for primetime, just as-is!

Hi Janet.  Thank you for hopping onto not one but two stories and taking a look!  I agree that this one is superior to “Someplace Nice & Dark”, so I’ll just thank you here for both of them.  “SN&D” will get new life as an extended version one of these days, I suspect.

Your debut work for Phil’s little game shows that you are no slouch with the written word, so I particularly appreciated your take on the descriptive passages -- both here and for “SN&D”.  The style is not always to everybody’s taste, but that’s my voice and I seem to be stuck with it.

I had noticed you poking around looking at various authors and I was concerned that maybe “Old Man Crim” had scared you off my work altogether.  Glad to see that wasn’t the case.  And the best so far?  Didn’t you just read “Suicide” the other day?  You had better check with Phil before handing out such proclamations haha!

Thanks again, W.V., and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.

Dear Bert,

You're more than welcome...!  I love it when a piece of writing gells (whether its a script, or a review, or prose.)  So, it's a pleasure to have read something as well polished as Salvage.  (And definitely thank you for the praise on my writing style.  I know, I've a bit to learn on formatting, but am glad to hear that the essence of the story and the writing flow came through as intended...!)

Yes, I admit to liking Salvage more than Suicide.  (Sorry, Dogglebee!!)  Now, I've recently read Linus...and that is a script to top...much more my style.  It has strong internal logic, and comes to a very satisfying, natural...and creepy conclusion....

Rather like Salvage, actually.  Again, kudos!!!

Hey, Bert. Thanks for suggesting me to this read. It was really well written, and told  a great stroy.  I enjoyed the play on words that the title offers. But why make the driver wait in order to get his revnege? I think the action could have happened quicker, making it more suspenseful. That's one way I saw it, but there are always different specrums of seeing things so I guess this proved more beneficiial to you. A fantastic read.  

Gabriel  

Sweet Jesus!!

Very weird and very sickening…but I like it. Your description is excellent and to the point, Bert. You even named the book Kimber was reading!

I don’t particularly care for these kinds of stories. Too gory and dark. But your way of tackling certain scenes kept my interest. I just wanted to know where this is going.

Good story. Sick imagination. Great work.

Thanks for looking at this one, Ayham.  I recall discussing this one with you before -- and now you know why I laughed when you asked if it was based upon a true story.

Quoted from Ayham You even named the book Kimber was reading!

That is further than I usually go.  That was just one of those details that occurs to you while writing -- unplanned -- but it felt appropriate.  A quick way to tell us the kind of guy he is -- since he isn't around for very long haha.

Quoted from Ayham Too gory and dark.

That, too, is further than I usually go.  My primary reason for this one was to play around with a nice, gory tale -- something that is not really found in my other works.  And I found it to be harder than it looks -- it is very easy to cross that line where it becomes almost comical.  I hope I didn't trip over it.

Thanks again for the look -- and a chance to comment on one of my favorites.

Man, Bert...you rock when it comes to description.  This is the first thing of yours that I've read, but I was seriously impressed.

Nice twist at the end. I really didn't see that coming.  I groaned when you revealed who the driver was, but that was only because I thought it was one of those "Oh, he's come back from the dead to terrorize this guy for no specific reason" kind of things. (if you understand what I mean) But I was satisfied once that reason was revealed.

One question; why did he kill the officer?  It seems pointless if he's come back for revenge.  Unless I missed something, that officer was innocent.

Other than that, good read.

The quote thing didn't work...I'm quoting Bert here from an earlier discussion with Phil;

Thus far I have resisted the temptation to use a few of those old stories -- but it doesn?t mean there aren?t a couple that I would love to use.  I've got one from "Eerie" that would completely rock.  I wonder what kind of copyright laws are in place for an adaptation of something so old?

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First of, what's the "House of Mystery"? Comic books? if so can you provide links?

Bert, it doesn't matter if it's old, there are still copyrights that dictate their usage. And I'm talking about old comic books that are out of prints.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luc_Orient

This is a link to one of my favorite European comic heroes, one of which I've tried so hard to obtain the copyrights to. But the copyrights owners wouldn't talk to me unless I'm a producer affiliated with a company... So I suspect the same thing would happen to you if you tried.

Sorry to go off topic here but I'm just answering Berts' question regarding copyrights...And while we're at it, is there a thread about comic books around here somewhere?

Hey, thanks for the compliment, Matt.  I thought you might check out something (allegedly) funny -- but this kind of stuff is actually my favorite to do.

Quoted from dresseme One question; why did he kill the officer?

Yeah, I think I mentioned previously that the momentum of the story carried me right over this glitch while writing.  The kind of thing you don't see yourself until people start asking questions -- then you're like, "Well, duh."

I might involve him deeper in the backstory -- or I might just lose him and expand the story with Donnie alone.  I would hate to lose his kill scene, though -- the bouncing headlights are actually my favorite detail in this story haha.

Quoted from Ayham First off, what's the "House of Mystery"? Comic books?

Yeah, man -- great comic books.  There were maybe a dozen titles all told, "House of Mystery", "Vault of Horror" -- they all had "of" in the middle haha -- and they were collections of stories with "shock" endings.  Here's one I found pretty easy:



A Google search will give you all you want pretty quick.  "Eerie" and "Creepy" were black and white -- and even darker in terms of the stories that were told.  I loved those -- and when I get back into writing for fun I'll probably adapt a story from "Eerie" -- copyrights be damned -- it's a helluva story -- and they can hunt me down if they really want to...


[Edit:  There is a comic thread around here somewhere -- try the Books board.  And as far as French comics go, I dig Titeuf.]