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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Click Click Moderators: bert
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michel
Posted: March 14th, 2007, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Great story Alffy, just like I love them. Formatting is perfect.

I would have ended on Andy starting to run and Colin's horrified face...

But I still like it.

Try to keep an eye on my upcoming short "Wild Life" about lion too.

Keep on this way Anthony

Michel


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alffy
Posted: March 14th, 2007, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Thanks for the read.  

I'll keep an eye out for your short and give it a read and review.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I liked this too alffy! It's simple and straight forward, but it's supposed to be. I will say that I saw the punchline coming, but that doesn't mean that I enjoyed it any less. Good job, keep it up!

8 out of 10

Zack
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spencerforhire
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Hi Alffy.

In my opinion your script was good. The descriptions did seem long to me. I say that only because, it is usually the directors job to dress the characters. And I understand you wanted us to know who they were. I would say try to do that through dialogue. Dialogue reveals everything.

In the beginning you set up the lions and did not capitalize lion. I think you should clue us in to needing a lion or two for the script. Also, found a few typos near the end. Those were not too distracting for me.

Overall. Good job!

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Zack and spencer,

Thanks for reading over this.  The LION must have slipped through my proof but thanks for pointing it out Spencer.  I've been told before that I sometimes over write my descriptions, I guess I just carried away.

Zack, 8 out of 10 hey thats not bad thanks.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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8 out of 10 is actually very good in my review system! I like your shorts, I think I'll read some more...
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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Zack I'll look over some of yours, any preference?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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You can take a look at some of the ones in my signiture if you want. The Plan is probrably my best.
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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty sure i've read and reviewed The Plan already so i'll give Dirty Business a read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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tomson
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

I don't think I've read anything of yours before. I had a few minutes between all the cooking here so I thought I'd give this a look.

I noticed from the other comments that this was a joke in script format so I won't bother with the story. Not much to it, but as a joke it works. I for one had never heard this one either.

Your writing itself was fine, so good job on that. Don't know what else to say about it. I'll try to read something else of yours. Hopefully something you came up with yourself.

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alffy
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Pia,

erm 'The Big Stiff' is my most recent script but i'll leave up to you which one you fancy.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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yorkshireladdy
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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HAha-- that was a good one, alffy.  (British humor I actually get). Nice description and formatting, as ppl have alredy mentioned I think.  I've never heard this one before either.  I think having some boring title to mislead ppl. somewhat would have worked better maybe.  Other than that, nice work!
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alffy
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for the read glad you liked it.  I struggled with a title and agree its not the best but hey, never mind.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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mcornetto
Posted: September 21st, 2007, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ah. I found something of yours that I haven't read and it even gave me a chuckle.  Nice retelling of an old, but obviously not tired, joke.  Well done.
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tonkatough
Posted: September 22nd, 2007, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Ha ha! Great punch line. From half way reading page one I knew the two Photographers where going to get attacked. But then you threw in unexpected detail involving the bloke put on running shoes.

That's the best kind of humor where you lead the viewer in one direction than throw in a suprise.

Very well written. good stuff  


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