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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Click Click Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 18th, 2007, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Click Click by Anthony Hudson 'alffy' - Short, Comedy - Two photographers on a safari shoot.  It should be the job of a lifetime. 3 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 18th, 2007, 2:30pm
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chism
Posted: February 18th, 2007, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

This script I liked a lot. The punchline made me laugh for like ten seconds. It was well-written, well-paced and pretty darn funny. I think this is about all you could hope for in the script. I would love to have known Colin's fate, but that would spoil the joke so I'm okay with the slight open-endedness to the script. Really well done.


Cheers, Chismeister.
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: February 18th, 2007, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Deja Vu. I can't exactly remember where, but I've heard that line before in something. Still, it was a decent short. Keep it up.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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dogglebe
Posted: February 18th, 2007, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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This short was actually an old joke in script format.  It was nicely told, though.


Phil
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alffy
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Chismeister, alex and Phil.  Glad you all enjoyed it.

Your right Phil,

I heard this in joke form many years ago and it stuck with me cos I thought it was really funny, mind you I was probably drunk at the time.  Anyway, I just decided the best way to share it was to fill it out into a short.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Heretic
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely told.  This joke is actually an old standby in my neck of the woods so what can you do but the leadup was nice.  I'll check out your other work.


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James McClung
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad. Not bad at all. I haven't heard the joke myself but the script worked well. There was a strong build up and a satisfying payoff. I'd say more but there really isn't much I can say, especially considering the length.

All in all, not a bad way to spend three minutes of my life. This brought a smile to my face. Thanks.


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alffy
Posted: February 20th, 2007, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read guy.

Heretic, I know it's an old joke but it is a good one.

James, glad I didn't waste your time lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Slim_Productions
Posted: February 27th, 2007, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy, pretty funny. Nice work.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 27th, 2007, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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This was a short piece, but the ending is what made it worth reading.




I have not read previous comments so I apologize if I've repeated what other posters have said...


Now, this was REALLY short, and with only two characters in 3 pages, you can't really tell what they're personalities are like except for the fact that I think Andy is probably more competetive than Colin. Other than that, they're really two-dimensional. But once again, this is three pages. You could probably expand it just a few more pages to get the character flow out, throw in a bit of small jokes and end it with one big one.

Other than that, this was funny. I like your descriptions too.

Sean


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alffy
Posted: February 28th, 2007, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Slim for reading my short.

Sean, this is really just a joke in script form so character building was my main thought here.  I could extend it but it could lose its punch.  Anyway thanks for reading this.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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RobertSpence
Posted: February 28th, 2007, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy-my British counterpart-
                                        nice joke, the format was spot on, dialogue flowed well, the tension was built nicely. All you can ask for in a joke. Was also funny.

   Robert


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scripts

Reservoir Pups

Short Comedy 14 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1348865321/

The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1388849749/s-0/#num4
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alffy
Posted: March 1st, 2007, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Robert,

Thanks for reading this, I guess I've finally got my head around format cos everyones said its fne. lol

Nice to see another Brit here, I don't think there's that many of us.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 2nd, 2007, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

I had a few minutes to do some reading so I chose your script. .

I never heard this joke before...
So yeah, you got me.  
Nice story, and in only a few pages.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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alffy
Posted: March 3rd, 2007, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Cindy

this joke is as old as the hills, or so I thought.  Glad you liked it though, it's just a simple story but I think it's funny.

Anywho thanks again.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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michel
Posted: March 14th, 2007, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Great story Alffy, just like I love them. Formatting is perfect.

I would have ended on Andy starting to run and Colin's horrified face...

But I still like it.

Try to keep an eye on my upcoming short "Wild Life" about lion too.

Keep on this way Anthony

Michel


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alffy
Posted: March 14th, 2007, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Thanks for the read.  

I'll keep an eye out for your short and give it a read and review.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I liked this too alffy! It's simple and straight forward, but it's supposed to be. I will say that I saw the punchline coming, but that doesn't mean that I enjoyed it any less. Good job, keep it up!

8 out of 10

Zack


MY RATING SYSTEM

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spencerforhire
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Hi Alffy.

In my opinion your script was good. The descriptions did seem long to me. I say that only because, it is usually the directors job to dress the characters. And I understand you wanted us to know who they were. I would say try to do that through dialogue. Dialogue reveals everything.

In the beginning you set up the lions and did not capitalize lion. I think you should clue us in to needing a lion or two for the script. Also, found a few typos near the end. Those were not too distracting for me.

Overall. Good job!

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Zack and spencer,

Thanks for reading over this.  The LION must have slipped through my proof but thanks for pointing it out Spencer.  I've been told before that I sometimes over write my descriptions, I guess I just carried away.

Zack, 8 out of 10 hey thats not bad thanks.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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8 out of 10 is actually very good in my review system! I like your shorts, I think I'll read some more...


MY RATING SYSTEM

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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Zack I'll look over some of yours, any preference?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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You can take a look at some of the ones in my signiture if you want. The Plan is probrably my best.


MY RATING SYSTEM

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alffy
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty sure i've read and reviewed The Plan already so i'll give Dirty Business a read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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tomson
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

I don't think I've read anything of yours before. I had a few minutes between all the cooking here so I thought I'd give this a look.

I noticed from the other comments that this was a joke in script format so I won't bother with the story. Not much to it, but as a joke it works. I for one had never heard this one either.

Your writing itself was fine, so good job on that. Don't know what else to say about it. I'll try to read something else of yours. Hopefully something you came up with yourself.

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alffy
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Pia,

erm 'The Big Stiff' is my most recent script but i'll leave up to you which one you fancy.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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yorkshireladdy
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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HAha-- that was a good one, alffy.  (British humor I actually get). Nice description and formatting, as ppl have alredy mentioned I think.  I've never heard this one before either.  I think having some boring title to mislead ppl. somewhat would have worked better maybe.  Other than that, nice work!
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alffy
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for the read glad you liked it.  I struggled with a title and agree its not the best but hey, never mind.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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mcornetto
Posted: September 21st, 2007, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ah. I found something of yours that I haven't read and it even gave me a chuckle.  Nice retelling of an old, but obviously not tired, joke.  Well done.
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tonkatough
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Ha ha! Great punch line. From half way reading page one I knew the two Photographers where going to get attacked. But then you threw in unexpected detail involving the bloke put on running shoes.

That's the best kind of humor where you lead the viewer in one direction than throw in a suprise.

Very well written. good stuff  


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alffy
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read mcornetto and tonka, glad you both found it funny.  It is an old joke but I'm pleased with the postitive feedback by everyone thats read it so far.  I wasn't sure it would work but I'm glad I gave it a chance.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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sniper
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

This was very good, short and to the point. I hadn't heard this joke before so I was kinda wondering where you were going with it. Worked beautiful I think. Liked the end a lot.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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alffy
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 6:20am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read sniper

I've just read your 'second draft script' and left you my thoughts.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Sham
Posted: October 30th, 2007, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Colin deserved it. He made the lion angry in the first place with his stupid camera rewinding.

Great script for a great joke. I hadn't heard that one before, so the punchline came as a surprise.

Keep writing.


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Hoody
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Well, I obviously can't say much due to the length of the script, but I will say that it did it's job by making me laugh at the end.

Good job.


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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alffy
Posted: November 1st, 2007, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reviews guys.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr.Z
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Ha ha ha!

Pretty good man.

Conflict from the very first page. Which then escalates to a satysfying conclusion.

There ain't much story in here, feels more like a joke in script form. But I was laughing at the end, so it worked.



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alffy
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Mr. Z

Yeah it is a joke really but I like it and thought it could work as a short.  I've another joke which I think might work but I've been holding it back, but I may decide to do it sometime soon.

Anyway thanks again for the read mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Tommyp
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Very good. I liked it a lot.

You could maybe make a bigger deal of Andy getting ready to run. So he could pack everything away, take his jacket off, stretch a bit. All the while Colin doesn't notice, right until he turns around and asks what he is doing, then the last line.

ALSO, I think it would be better that Colin doesn't know the lion is too close because he is seeing it through a camera. He would ask Andy what he is doing, then go back looking through the camera, and the lion would be much closer.

Hope those make sense...


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alffy
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read Tommy, and the comments. At the moment this ones best left alone but never say never right.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hey Alffy,

Funny script.  The ending really made it.  I though it was going nowhere and then bam.  Made me laugh.  Good job.

All the best.


Javier


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alffy
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Javier, glad you found the ending amusing. Dunno if you've checked previous posts but this is a joke I heard many moons ago and thought it would work as a short script.  Cheers for checking it out mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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BrandonBushman
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Thought this short was written very well, loved the detail in the action. I'm sure I have heard that joke somewhere before, but here you get great visuals rather than a quick joke with a punch line. Good Job.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this except the FADE OUT. I know that's the best two words in a script, but it weakens the punchline.

A SMASH CUT TO BLACK would be better, in my opinion.
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alffy
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Wow this is an old one to be dragged back up.  Thanks for the read though Brandon and ABSteel.  This was a joke I'd heard and thought it would be a good little writing exercise, way back when.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Chris Ramos
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome script. Awesome. Awesome. =)


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alffy
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Chris, glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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danbotha
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Before I even say anything, I'm just going to announce that I was sidetracked for about five minutes before I even opened this up. Brandon's avatar is just too amusing to ignore

A script all the way from '07. It certainly shows how far you've come as a writer, Anthony. The formatting was great (was expecting a few hiccups, with this being an earlier script of yours). Thought the dialogue could have used a little more work, but otherwise I liked this. The punchline is awesome. Had me chuckling away to myself.

Good job on completing the OWC.

Dan

EDIT: Just realised this isn't a OWC script. It seems I just got used to saying it lol



Revision History (1 edits)
danbotha  -  October 21st, 2012, 4:50pm
I'm an idiot
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alffy
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan, yeah I don't know how this has resurfaced but it's a nice surprise.

If it had you chuckling then it did what it was intended to do.

As for the OWC, I thought you were trying to test me to see if I admitted to a OWC script lol.  I didn't enter by the way.

Cheers anyway, Dan and welcome to the Idiot Club


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Haris
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi

pretty nice....I donīt know but for me it could be little more funnier..you know just more things that go wrong, in that short time... more drama...but in a funny way...

good one..
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alffy
Posted: June 13th, 2013, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Haris, thanks for giving this little script a read.  This was actually a joke I heard and thought I could write it as a script, hence the pay off at the end.  Glad it entertained you though.  Give me a shout if I can repay the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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the goose
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Normally I avoid shorts like the plague but thought I'd check a few out.

Well written, well formatted, well explained.

Would make a nice feature for a sketch show for sure. Maybe not with a real lion though...

I don't agree with Harris too much, what more could you really put into a 3 page script haha for what it was it was set up and delivered well!


Actor trying to write...

"A good script is never rejected because of layout or lack of technical jargon. If people like it, then any experienced film or TV PA or secretary can lay it out in professional manner and add all the technical terms necessary"

-- Ronald Wolfe "Writing Comedy"

"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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alffy
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Cheers, Goose

Thanks for the read and I too think it would be funny as a sketch...without a real lion.


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Alex_212
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

Well done. Have to say this was well written and I enjoyed the read even though the punch line has been done many times before. Still laughed though.

Good luck at getting it optioned, as I think any producer would struggle to get Lions as props. Hee Hee.

Regards Alex


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alffy
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Alex, funny how this has popped up on the  boards again; I wrote this a few years ago now.  Glad you enjoyed it and as for it being produced...the lion might be a problem...lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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khamanna
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was fun to read. I liked how they started arguing from the very beginning - could feel the tension between the two, which is great.

I do recognize the joke - but you built up to the culmination and that's what matters.
Could be turned into a cartoon perhaps. Or maybe they can use the footage of the lion already in existence...
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alffy
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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khamanna, thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it.  I guess it would be pretty funny as a cartoon.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here

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alffy  -  June 15th, 2013, 10:11am
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INTS
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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very funny...  
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