What I'm saying is industry standard.  But again, there are many pro writers (and good writers in here) that use abbreviated slugs.  Usually, these abbreviated slugs will come when a scene moves throughout a house or the like.  In that case, it makes perfect sense, but I still like to keep things extremely consistent all the time, and use full slugs, as I said earlier, they don't take up any extra space and don't make the read any longer.

I'm not sure where to begin with this one. I think with the word: Potential. I think there's definitely potential here.

The title I feel is wrong. I thought I was going to be reading a comedy. It's far from that.

I felt the beginning was awkward. Try rewriting. Here's one possibility:

Instead of:

>A large German Shepherd mix rests in her cage. She springs to her feet and dances in anticipation as a car door is heard shutting off screen. Her name is Lady.

Maybe:

LADY, a German Shepherd rests in her cage when a car door SHUTS O.S. She springs to her feet, eager doggie anticipation whipping in her tail.

The thing is to try and prioritize when writing intros. In this case, you've got: Her name is Lady.   coming as kind of an afterthought. Also, notice the use of the present participle in the predicate as in: is heard shutting. This can clunkify (there's a good word  ) our work; so just be aware of that kind of thing.

I should mention here: Why would a nice guy like Chad, leave his dog caged all day long. That is complete animal cruelty. It's weird how we can generate real emotion with words on a page isn't it? But I really felt bad for Lady. But there are those stupid people in this world who will do that. I don't think Chad was stupid though. I was thinking that maybe he had a landlord and that he wasn't really allowed to have a dog, but he loved Lady and that was the only way he could keep her.

Anyways, just thought I should mention that. OK, moving on...

The dialogue with Chad and John felt too chatty and too long.

I thought I had missed something when the explosion happened. I didn't know until afterwards that it was some kind of terrorist activity or something. I'm still not sure what it was about. Was it a government test?

From my perspective, I felt like that came out of nowhere. It seemed like the story was about Chad and his bad relationship with an unknown girlfriend, but he had finally determined he was going to quit drinking-- on Monday. Which I found extremely interesting.

Did Chad always say this? Was he a procrastinator? Yes, this is the story that I wanted to find out about. I wanted to know about the resolution to his personal problems, but instead, he was merely anthraxed to death and I don't know why. Well, I guess it's like with Alanis Morissette's song, Ironic. Maybe that's the angle you should work with this. Where he finally fixes his life, and when he does clean up his act, something else happens to screw with his world.

I notice that "The End" lands on the beginning of page "9" in the PDF. Just by doing some edits you can often fix this kind of thing. The tops and bottoms of pages are important. Of course, it doesn't matter in a draft. Just thought I'd mention it.

There is a lot of room to maneuver with this one. You've only got "9" pages and of that, you've got the excessive phone conversation and his "dwelling".

It all depends upon what you want to do here, but maybe bringing in his girl friend to a scene might prove interesting. Right now we know he's blaming her for his state, but whenever people cast blame like that, they are often the ones not taking responsibility for themselves. From that respect, I think you've got good material you're working with here.

I think it's a good first draft despite any flaws. It's generating some definite interest.

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale Secondly, you received some feedback about your slugs.  I'm a big slugs stickler, so I want to throw out my 4 cents here.  In a written version, it's important to give your reader as much info as you can.  IMO, that means alway using some sort of "time" in your slugs.  You'll start with "DAY" or "NIGHT", but as you progress through your script, you should use either "CONTINUOUS", "MOMENTS LATER", or "LATER" as apposed to continually using "DAY" or "NIGHT".  When you reach a new day or night, then you'll want to use "DAY" or "NIGHT" again, or even "THE NEXT DAY" or whatever.  This helps your readers know where we are.  It also is very important if the script is being shot, as it alerts everyone to when apparrel has to be changed, or even things in the actual set.  It's a good idea to start off writing this way.  As you get better at it, there are short cuts you can take with your slugs, but you might as well start off crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's.

This is good advice. I myself often don't pay enough attention to the slugs and a person needs to make a concentrated effort on this aspect when doing reads and in the writing itself. My last draft that I have up has a problem with the slug at the get-go. Sucks. I had a guy in a bathroom, but the bathroom was an ensuite one. You know: part of the inside of a bedroom. So it slipped when I had him exiting. He had to go "through" the bedroom first.

It so easy to slip over this kind of thing, but it is really important. And like you say, for the purpose of sets and lighting etc. it's got to be a technically correct kind of blueprint to work with.

Sandra

Sandra, Thanks for the read and comments...

I'm seeing many of the same problems coming up from other reader too. I have to be honest that this being my first try, i made it way too personal. Everything I wrote felt good and natural to me, but I did a bad job conveying that to the audience. I'm gonna give this a quick re-write and be done with it. And yes, the pooch will be free'd.

Being a smoker I always say i'm gonna quit Monday. Beginning of a new week, fresh start kinda thing i guess. Cindy identified with it also, being an ex-smoker.

i wrote about Chad blaming everyone but himself in a previous post. He blames his ex for his drinking and his friends for his solitude, yet, they are his own problems he needs to come to terms with.

I know it ends wasting an entire page, but I'm pretty sure th re-write will be at least a ten pager. I'll keep an eye on it.

I thought i did a decent job explaining what had happened. A truck full of anthrax was being driven by terrorists to downtown Cleveland. Military got wind of it and decided to bomb it in a less populated area before it could reach its target.

I'm going to try and fix my slugs in the revision. Jeff's comments were very helpful. I agree that i think it makes it much easier for the reader to understand as they're going through the script to have some sort of time factor in the slug.

Thanks for the read Sandra,.....      James

Definately has potential.  I don't know the formatting stuff but a few suggestions on the story:
When he gives the dog a treat at the beginning I think he should be taking a drink himself, his own treat.  felt like a missed opportunity and establishes his problems right away.
Felt kinda awkward for him to say 'peeps' from work.  I get that people talk like this in kind of a semi ironic way, but its hard to convey that in writing.
When you say he doesn't want to get a duey, why not say 'another duey'.  That would show that he actually has had past issues with his drinking.
The coughing blood is a little much.  Especially since we never see him smoke a cigarette in the whole piece.  He should be smoking, and just a regular cough would work the same.  Unless your trying to show the poison working, but then he would be surprised to see blood for the first time.  Unless he doesn't see it and we do.  Anyways, needs to be sorted out.
Also how does the dog die right away, but then he has time to bury her and mope about for a while before dying?  Plus the whole diatribe on the evil lady does come out of nowhere.  It either should be previously set up, possibly in the convo with his buddy, or cut down, or both.  And it's always strange to me when characters have long talks with themselves.  Maybe its just me but I've never had that kind of conversation with myself out loud.
As for the final scene it definately needs work to have a nice punch.  Hows this:
Start behind Chad watching the tv, the basement dark except for the tv blinking on, learning some of whats going on.  we see his half empty glass of alcohol next to him, his phone blinking low battery.  The tv continuing to play as the ecosuit guys come in, only then do we see the front of chad, realize he's been sitting there dead, not seeing anything thats on.
That way you build up to us realizing he's dead, rather than show him dead then have a bunch of explanation about why he's dead.
Anyways, definately worth playing with.  good luck with the revisions.

Jackx, Thanks for the read. unfortunately i already revised it once, should be up in the next posts. Then i'll probably be done with it. thought i had all the comments i was gonna get.

The another Duey is a suggestion i would've like to have had before revision. i like it.

He's smoking in the basement when JOHN calls him. You'll see if you re-read. Plus he walks in with a carton.  I picture this guy on such A weekend bender, he doesn't know the diff. I smoke and have coughed up bloody phlem just from bronchitis. And yes, it is the poison working. Anthrax effects your respiratory system first.

The dog was left outside, and when he wakes up in the am it's raining(It's in the script). The floating powder is done at this point. He got less infection from being in the house, though effected nonetheless.

The ex does come out of nowhere, i've tried to address that in the revision. Thanks

Alot of people have conversations with themselves, I do. He was a drunk talking to someone i pictured as his father (In the photograph).

Your idea has more punch if I was shooting for Chad being dead as the major mystery. in fact it was the pre-emptive strike on a truck heading into a downtown area. I really feel i needed the power to go out for this to work. At least IMO.

Again, thanks for the read. I will return the favor, where are your scripts?     James

Allright seems like you had everything handled then.  I'll give the revisions a read soonish.  All the poison/rain stuff makes sense now that you explain it, but could maybe be a little clearer in the script.  
I dont have anything up yet, I'm preemptively putting in my reviewing dues as I try to get something share worthy, but thanks.
anyways sounds like its coming along, good luck

(Just reread it, the revisions haven't been put up yet but I noticed that there's no way for the viewer to know that the voice on the answering machine is his mom.  instead of saying its me, maybe just have its your mother, or whatever.)

Jackx, thanks again. I always miss details when I read someone elses script. I always have to go back and check. This wouldn't be as easy to miss if it were on screen though. Which is the point.

I read here for months before I put anything up. This was my first. Learned alot from a nine pager though. Gotta jump in sometime, and be prepared for several people not to like your work.

I played it real safe with this one. As I venture into a longer script with more characterization and interation between them I'm sure all get some reality checks from people. Let me know when you post something... James

I thought I would give this a quick read and I will be sure to read the rewrite when it's up and any future projects you post. For a first script, this was excellent. I skimmed the other comments and they brought up most of the things I was going to say, especially about the caged dog, but I see you will be fixing that.

It wasn't until after I finished the script I noticed one of your comments about the puffy red eyes and the coughing up blood being a result of the Anthrax. I never even thought of that while reading. I think you should mention it, maybe with the General's interview at the end. He says less than two dozen people have been infected so maybe he can mention the symtoms of infection, the red eyes and coughing up blood so the reader will get a quick flash in their memory of this happening earlier in the script.

Did remind me of "Right at Your Door". I film I liked quite a bit. Chad talking to himself was overdone slightly. There's a major alcoholic stays next door to me that talks to himself but not like that. A few lines could be cut so it wouldn't feel weird on screen. If he is drunk, some of the things he says should not make much sense. He is also not as lonely as he seems as his friends all want to see him and such. Maybe he could try and call his friends or something and they don't answer or he can leave a message on their machine, just something to show how lonely he really is, a good reason for him talking to himself and it will make his relationship with Lady all the more special.

I did like this story and will check out the rewrite when posted. Great job!

Brian

Brian, Thanks for giving this a read. Yes, already been raked over the coals for caging the pooch and I'm gonna fix this.

I LOVE your idea about giving the reader some ideas about the symptoms. Especially with the TV interview. I will add that in a revision. I already revised it once, but it hasn't posted yet. I guess Don's on vacation? Anyways I will definitely try to add that in and swap out the revisins, but not sure if it will make it in time. Thanks for that one.

As far as Chad talking to himself, you're not the first to say it felt a little off. It's one of those things i've just agreed to disagree with most people on. One of my friends who's a recovering alcoholic always said an alocoholic needs booze to function properly. Not to always just get smashed. All day long they won't feel right until they get to that first drink. Then their body feels normal and they even think clearer for some. A functioning alocoholic if you will? They're the ones who most people never notice. Because you'll never see them completely smashed. It effects diffeent people differently.

Anyways, I'm glad you liked it. I'll try to sneak your suggestion into revision. I'd like to make this as good as possible, but i've already started moving onto other stories. I found out, I don't like revising nearly as much as writing. This part feels like work.  Thanks......  James

I never realized it, but the new draft has already posted eventhough the name on the UP page didn't change. Thanks to whomever posted it. I took much advice from readers hear and hope I didn't take away from the story. I didn't use all suggestions, but a great deal.

If you get a chance, scan through it and let me know what you think.... Thanks.. James

James,

I'll give it another go. I recall enjoying it the first time so here's hoping.

I see you changed the dog business for the better. I noticed a few other small changes that make it a lot better too.

Only thing I wonder on so far is what Chad looks like. I know his age and circumstances and I like the guy already after the first few pages, but I'd like to able to visualise him. This may be a deliberate omission on your part so feel free to ignore that point if you're happy with it.

A few small format points. Don't worry I won't get all Nazi on you. Coupla typos here and there, nothing big. On p4 you have a Slug with NIGHT then MOMENTS LATER. You need just one. You do it again with Later on the same page. Only other advice I'd suggest is to shorten some sentences.

I'd make the word 'dead' a sentence on its own on page 5. It would give it a bit more impact.

Looks like Monday's gonna a be a long for our protag!

It reads a lot better to me than your earlier version, you've fixed the problems so well done on that. Now, when's your next script coming?

I thought this was pretty good. Chad's story is interesting enough. I wasn't really expecting the terrorism angle. It upped the scale some and added an interesting twist of fate. Nothing wrong with that. I do think the story should end with Chad though, rather than these other guys, even if Chad is dead. I also think you could tell a better story if Chad wasn't talking to himself the whole time. You're basically handing out information. The girlfriend subplot is interesting and I don't think it should go. I just think it can be communicated in a more proactive way. Anyway, good job with this one.

R. (Since you won't give us a first name) thanks for skimming through it again. I see you've got some up and comings... looking forward to them.

I've never believed into giving too much description of a character in a screenplay unless it's pertinenet to the story.  And i suck at it.  If it ever got produced, probably be someone i never pictured anyways.

SLUGS, SLUGS, SLUGS... I see this will always be an argument. Your buddy Jeff(Fade To White), I've seen you guys busting each others balls a bit, brought up a point I like. I like having full slugs, doesn't add any pages, and gives more info to the reader. I know you're an abbreviated slugs guy. Even though you would never actually be able to tell if this happens  momments later or later, it makes it easier for the reader and the director could do some things on film to show the difference.... I think..

Making Dead one sentence could have more impact... Thanks.

I've gotten rid of the blackberry on your account also...

Working on a couple shorts right now. Again... I think they're interesting stories, but i feel over my head in characterization. I'm pretty much done with this... Revisions suck ass.

Thanks for reading again. Look at you, Purple already... Becoming a fixture around here? Is that you in your avatar or some UK celeb I have no idea on?

Thanks... James


James, Thanks for the read. I don't know how I would end the story with Chad... He is dead. I have had quite a few complaints about him talking to himself. It's one of those things that I stuck to because i think it was more realistic for a guy who cuts himself off from the world. Which really was his demise in the first place. The girlfriend subplot was just improved IMO, if you read earlier comments, she did come kinda out of the blue (This is second draft now)

I'll check out one of your scripts in the next couple days....  Holy Shit you've got alot, Which one would you like me to check out?          James (Yes, that's my name too, now i know who stole the "James" username)

James,

You're a witty man.
Myself and my buddy differ over many things. However, on that bit about Night then Later I am almost certainly right. Darn, I can't even say I'm absolutely certain when I am. Must. Develop. Spine.

Revision suck many things. However, yours worked well, keep at them, that's when the story gets good.

Welcome for the read. Enjoyed it and glad to be of help.
Yeah, I spend way too much time on here. Obviously they'll be offering a Mod job soon. Sadly, I'm a rocker at heart.

For clues on the avatar watch 'Amelie'.

My first name? It's...