Your right. Shouldn't have drawn attention to it. Has no purpose in the script. okay. Heading off to read yours. Thanks. James

Nice to see a story based in Cleveland, my hometown.  There's even a mention of Toledo, no less.  Some might say those towns could do with a good military bombing, but not me.

Not bad for your first try.  The dog was a nice touch, as was the disconnect notice at the beginning.  For a minute there, I thought you were going to stray into zombie territory, and I'm very glad you didn't.  I do think you relied too heavily on the TV reporter to convey all the details of what happened.  It would nice if the guy made an attempt to piece things together before he croaked.  As it is, he buries the dog, and that's about it.  Since he's almost completely cut off from TV, phone, blackberry, etc., how would he figure out what happened?  Or did he?

Anyway, good first effort.  As for the title, the script could just as easily have been called "How to Quit Breathing."  

Cam

Cam, you crack me up bro. I'm still stuck here. Write about what you know right? Not that it really mattered in this one. But i'll stay close to home for now. Title? I actually like yours better. mind if I use it? lol. It's a short. It is what it is... practice. So I can write that million dollar feature someday. Thanks for the advice.

funny. everyone who moves away from here talks about C-town like it was the greatest. Orange barrels are the state flower all summer. and six months of shoveling snow. fuck you and your LA weather. I'll be checking out one of your scripts her shortly.

As for your recommendations, you bring up a good point. The script is ass heavy. But I still think its better that way. Don't know another way to bring more info into the in the middle. The guy was completely cutoff and he didn't care. Thanks for the comments, very insightful.  thanks,   James

Quoted from jwent6688 Slabby: ha, was drunk when i wrote it. We obviously did not have the same buzz going on. Sorry it dissapointed.

ahahahah its ok dude.  I was just lookin for somethhing more emotional.

I usually come on here all the time when I'm drunk.

I think I reviewed one of Bert's shorts while I was tanked haha

Hi James,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

Nice effort with an very interesting idea. But, IMO, there’s a big plot hole : when Chad has John on the phone (BTW it should V.O. and no O.S. when John speaks – O.S. means he’s in the room but we can’t see him), John should tell Chad about the quarantine. I don’t think this kind of decision can be made that shortly.

Furthermore, the dialog tunnel between the general and the reporter is too long and misses action in intercut.

I won’t comment about Lady in the cage INSIDE the house. Sounds too cruel to me. The dog looks so nice, she doesn’t seem to need it.

A last thing, I don’t like the title. You could have called it « A man and a dog », or even  « A drunkard and a dog » as a tribute to the post-apocalyptic film « A  boy and a dog ». Just my 2 pences…

Good job anyway.

Michel

Quoted Text But, IMO, there’s a big plot hole : when Chad has John on the phone (BTW it should V.O. and no O.S. when John speaks – O.S. means he’s in the room but we can’t see him), John should tell Chad about the quarantine.

Chad actually talks to John before the military strike ever happens. That's why he doesn't mention it. Later in the night his mom tries to call but the phone goes dead. Thanks for pointing out the (O.S.)/(V.O.) mistake though. I definitely need my formatting help. Thanks for the read, James

Hey James,

This is pretty good for a first script. I do have some things to comment on though...

On page 1 you have "and and a carton"

John on the phone should be V.O. Also there is a lot of jabbering and nothing really is being said. A way to clear that up would be to have him call the home phone, have Chad see it and not want to answer. John could leave a message. Cut out all the jabbering other than have him say something like we miss you or something.

When I first read "duey" I was at a loss, then it dawned on me "D. U. I." You can write it like that.

The nobody cares scene felt funny to me because his mother had called, and so did his friend.

The dog scene felt funny to me, too. The one where he found her in the yard dead.
Did she have powder on her? Was she foaming at the mouth? Or just vomited?
Why didn't he take her to the vet or at least try to call the vet instead of just burying her.

I liked the quit Monday part. I said that myself for years, but the Monday did eventually come, and I did quit smoking.    

The T.V. should be treated like it is a "seperate character"
and use (on T.V.) to be especially clear.
Here's an example using fake dialogue and discription cos' I don't remember exactly how you wrote it.

TELEVISION

GENERAL GREER, a retired military officer sits next to RUDY, a dark-haired female reporter. She turns to him.

RUDY (on T.V.)
Blah blah blah?

Waits for his answer.

GENERAL GREER (on T.V.)
Blah Blah Blah.

RUDY (on TV.)
Blah blah blah.

Then when you want to go back to the room you can write

BACK TO SCENE

The inspector studies Chad.

GENERAL GREER (O. S. )
Blah Blah Blah

at least I think the O.S. is right here on the last example. If not, I'm sure someone else will let us know.


Anyway, I did like the story. I just think it needs some work. Hope this helps.

Cindy

Cindy, Thanks so much for reading it and the comments...

Congrats, you're the first to pick up on that double "and" on pg 1. Just so easy to miss. tx.

I've been notified about the (V.O.) on the phone conversation. I tried to establish a couple things with that call The first, I think everyone missed was that he was lying about going to happy hour with people from work. With his mom telling him she's not living til six and him still having time. He just came home to get drunk by himself. Also, that his friends want him to get out there and meet some girls. Trying to establish that he's recently single. Guess that part needs work.

The "nobody cares" line has already been put to debate. I looked at Chad as a good person, but one who feels sorry for himself. He blames other people for his solitude as he blames his ex girlfriend for his drinking. They're really both nobody's fault but his own, but he likes to keep himself depressed so he refuses to come to terms with it.




"Duey" That's actually a nickname for a D.U.I. that most of my friends use. Figured it might be hard to understand, but that's what we usually call them. Just felt more natural.

The formatting help with the TV conversation is very helpful, thanks. Learning proper formatting is a bear for me right now. Software only does so much.

Again, thanks for the read and the comments. I'm glad you liked the story. I'll rewrite it soon and try to fix many of the issues that were brought up here....    James

Hey James, just read your first short.  As others have said, it's defintely not bad for a first try.

I didn't take my usual notes as I read, but you've recieved some great feedback and alot of the mistakes have been brought up already.

Couple things I wanted to comment on...

First, I understand about the "crating" of a dog.  I personally don't agree with it unless it's a puppy being trained, but I do know many people who do this, and it's defintely not cruel or the like.

Secondly, you received some feedback about your slugs.  I'm a big slugs stickler, so I want to throw out my 4 cents here.  In a written version, it's important to give your reader as much info as you can.  IMO, that means alway using some sort of "time" in your slugs.  You'll start with "DAY" or "NIGHT", but as you progress through your script, you should use either "CONTINUOUS", "MOMENTS LATER", or "LATER" as apposed to continually using "DAY" or "NIGHT".  When you reach a new day or night, then you'll want to use "DAY" or "NIGHT" again, or even "THE NEXT DAY" or whatever.  This helps your readers know where we are.  It also is very important if the script is being shot, as it alerts everyone to when apparrel has to be changed, or even things in the actual set.  It's a good idea to start off writing this way.  As you get better at it, there are short cuts you can take with your slugs, but you might as well start off crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's.

The title doesn't work at all, IMO.  I also didn't get the sense that things are so bad for Chad.  Lots of people drink...heavily...damn, I know I sure do!  Same with the smoking.  I didn't understand why he was coughing up blood.  Nothing really showed that he was having troubles with drinking, smoking, or even financially.  He had a car, he owned a house with a pool, he had a Blackberry, and he had a big Plasma TV.  So based on all that, I didn't get anything that things were so bad for him.  He also had friends call, as well as his Mom, so if you wanted to show that Chad had major issues, I'd say you failed.

I grew up in Bay Village, OH, and went to college at Bowling Green, so I appreciated that the story took place in Cleveland.  As I always say, I think it shows alot that you cared enough about your script to give it an actual setting, so good job on that.

Story-wise, this is really a mixed bag.  An awful lot going on for 9 pages...probably too much.  We kind of get to liking Chad and Lady, and then, within a few pages, first Lady bites it, and then Chad is gone as well.

But the big problem here is with the phone conversations and TV report.  Off the top of my head, I'd say that those 2 scenes took up at least 2 of your 9 pages.  As a few others said, you need to understand what's taking place onscreen during these scenes.  The phone thing is literally Chad's face talking on the phone, and listening as his buddy talks.  Not too thrilling to watch.  No big deal if there's alot more happening, but in a short short like this, you've got to keep in mind that every page equals over 10% of your entire script.  The TV thing explained everything quite well, but it just feels so out of place and is, again, quite dull to watch 2 people that we don't know talking for a page or so.  If it was done with a V.O., and you had something interesting taking place onscreen, it would work better, but as it is, it doesn't quite work.

So, all in all, as I said up front, this is a good first effort.  You came up with a big sotry and told it in 9 pages, and actually had us caring for your 2 leads (1 being a dog!).  My recommendations are to really concentrate on what's taking place onscreen, and make sure it's entertaining, both visually and story-wise neccessary, if you know what I mean.

Keep at it!  Best to ya...

Hi James. i liked this! I'm glad I didn't read the commnets before reading,as i usually do! The change from a guy with a life crisis to military stuff was very effective and out of the blue.
Others have commented on various points and I agree with some. but i liked your writing style. Yes, this could've become a black comedy if you chose it too.

Anyway, good effort.

A couple of notes: i haven't had a drink now for nearly 2 years! Not even one glass. I used to hit it pretty hard all my adult life but when the kids stated arriving 5 years back, i just drifted away from it. Don't have the time or inclination for hangovers! And we couldn't afford to drink even if we wanted to.  my vice now is coffee...way too much of it!
Also , Jeff? you went to college in Bowling Green? That's cool. We stayed a night there back in '97, on our way to the Kentucky Derby.

Different Bowling Green, Steve.  Mine was in OH, near Toledo, you're talking about Bowling Green, KY.

Jeff, guessing that's your name from seeing you on other threads? Thanks for giving it a read and commenting.

First, the crating of the dog is definitely getting the ax. The last thing i wanted to do was give any impression that Chad doesn't truly love his dog.

As far as slugs i'm getting confused. If you could read the post by jayrex on this thread, he came across like I didn't need to have "LATER" or even have "NIGHT" in my slugs again once "NIGHT" was established. I really want to get this right.

nobody likes the title. I'm still trying to think of a new one though.

I know it could come off as Chad didn't have it so bad. I imagined him as a person that lived above his means, especially with his girlfriend. Buying things they couldn't afford. Going into debt. Then, we she moved out she no longer helped him with the bills and he became a recluse drunk because he couldn't afford to go out. One thing i know is thriving in this bad economy is booze. People won't even quit to save their houses or keep their lights on. i pictured him as a functioning alcoholic. He still went to work everyday, but can't keep up with the bills on his own.

BTW, he coughs up blood because he's inhaled the Anthrax. He's infected but blames it on cigs. I wrote that his eyes were puffy red too, which most probably think was from crying, but could be infection.

Bay Village? dated a girl that lived out there along time ago. Hope she wasn't your sister. lol

I'm getting the same from alot of others about the phone /TV conversations. I thought the phone conversation was quick enough to not have any action, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt. The TV report definitely needs some breaking up. I still like the inspectors in the house for that though. Even though their dialogue needs fixed, i still like ending it on the "We've got one" line. But as i've read, never be married to anything when it comes to writing.

Thanks again for the read and critique. Waiting to gather all comments i can get before I revise it and this definitely helped. Btw, where can i find your scripts? I'd like to read one...  

Stevie, Thanks for checking it out. Glad you liked it. I'm no stranger to the bottle myself and was wondering how this sat with other people who've been there or can at least relate to it.

Partied at Bowling Green several times myself. I also went to the derby a couple of times and whoa... That's a party.    James

James, yeah, I'm Jeff.  Who was the chick you dated from Bay, and how old are you?  It's been a long time since I've been back...I graduated bay High in 1981 (oh shit, there I go dating myself again!!!).

As for the slugs thing, you're going to hear different things about what's best, what makes the most sense, etc.  Lots of different schools of thought.  IMO, it comes down to this...if something is painfully obvious that the scene is simply always CONTINUOUS, in theory, you don't need to keep repeating that.  But when you get into a more complex script, in which scenes are taking place in different locales, with different characters, you're going to find that the more detailed you are, the better it will be for everyone.

We're talking about a single word here, which will not increase your script by a single line ever, so it's not a matter of wasted space. It's also not going to take anyone any extra time to glance over the slug, and that 1 extra word.  So again, I always recommend being exact, detailed, and consistent in your slugs.  In a filmed version, you don't get the ability to know when scenes are taking place...you have to assume, or just not care. In a written format, why not give as much info as you can?

You can find my script, Fade to White, in the horror section, and all feedback is always appreciated.

Quoted from Dreamscale Different Bowling Green, Steve.  Mine was in OH, near Toledo, you're talking about Bowling Green, KY.

Ooops! Yep, sorry Jeff. I checked my atlas after posting and I'd buggered up. But then I saw I had been to your BG after all. We went through it after the Derby on the way up to Detroit.
Well, we went past the I-75 exit anyway...

Thanks Jeff, graduated in 81? that would make you... damn! lol. graduated high in 93. she was a good four years younger and i can't remember her name. Too long ago. Nothing bad happened anyways.

I like your point of view better on slugs. I never minded when people added "LATER" to them. At the same time if i ever did write something i wanted to try to sell I would like to know industry standard. I guess i can assume that's up to interpretation? Anyways, thanks for the help. Will read your script this weekend.  James