Col, thanks for revisiting my little script.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Like the original I really enjoy your dialogue, very natural and realistic. The structure and sequenceing of this story feels more self assure and organised, so a marked improvement there.

Thanks, I had a great deal of help from people on this site in tightening it up. I'm glad it read better.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What does "counter back splash in frustration" mean?

A counter back-splash is like a line of tile or granite that mates the counter to the wall. Sorry, guess I shouldn't have gotten too fancy on that.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 was in the army (presuming that is him in the photo as you don't specify)

Was really rtying to get that it was a late relative that he was close with. His father is what I was shooting for on that. Maybe "old black and white photograph" would've worked better??

Quoted from Colkurtz8 "Nobody's ever going to want to be with me, or get to know me or put up with me" would be more suitable.

I agree. The"nobody's ever gonna wanna date me" line is a hair on the chldish side.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Of course the common denominator of all this was his drinking problem which can be held both directly or indirectly responsible for all of he above things. Some might say the chemical warfare is a bit much, a bit too far out but such is drama and creating it for the reader. In regards the story I think it works and would make for  decent piece of film. Plus its probably not all that of an implausibilty given our current times.

The way he died is just how my mind works, Just trying to dream up some original way to see things. Most people wouldn't expect that which is what I was shooting for. But your are quite right about the drinking. That was what got him overall. Because he was so drunk and passed out he never heard the explosion/sirens. Or his phone ring one last time.

again, thanks for checking it out. Gonna have to post something else up here soon. I've see you've got some new work on the board... You'll bbe getting my comments soon.                  

James

James

"I've see you've got some new work on the board... You'll bbe getting my comments soon."

-- If you are referring to "Do You Have A Clubcard?" thats been up since March, feel free to take a look though whenever you find the time, cheers.

Col.                  

Hey James,

Just finished SMNC. Kinda found it a mixed bag. I did like it over all but some of it just didn't sit well.

My main complaint is that I don't buy it Chad wouldn't figure out sometime was awry when he went to the backyard. I know he was shocked andgrieving but it seemed too much.

His monologue was a little to on the nose for me. If the picture is not himand maybe his father or something, maybe it would work better if he addressed the picture as if it was his father. If it was of him at an earlier age, maybe if SHE was in the picture, he could be "talking" to her.

Where is the interview taking place. Is it on the street or a sit down 60 minutes type interview or a press conference. Inside the time frame, a press conference would seem the most likely approach. Multiple reporters and such.

In the interview, about the evacuation... I tend to look to far into the movie outside of the movie but how cell phones and weather horns could for the most part get most of the residents out but not the terrorists. Actually the interview (which is very very long) is pure exposition.  It should be condensed and would seem less expositional if there was a little conflict there. The reporter more probing. The general more agressive and bullying.

Anywho, overall not too bad.

Quoted from Souter Fell My main complaint is that I don't buy it Chad wouldn't figure out sometime was awry when he went to the backyard. I know he was shocked andgrieving but it seemed too much.

Fair enough, i looked at chad, hungover and not completely coherent, blaming himself for her death. Leaving her out all night. And what does a drunk do while depressed??? Get drunker.

Quoted from Souter Fell His monologue was a little to on the nose for me. If the picture is not himand maybe his father or something, maybe it would work better if he addressed the picture as if it was his father. If it was of him at an earlier age, maybe if SHE was in the picture, he could be "talking" to her.

It was his father, I realize now I didn't convey that to the audience that well. on film i think it would have been easier to distinguish.

Quoted from Souter Fell Where is the interview taking place. Is it on the street or a sit down 60 minutes type interview or a press conference. Inside the time frame, a press conference would seem the most likely approach. Multiple reporters and such.

He was watching CNN when the power went out. CNN when it came back on. I pictured a sit-down. Don't think it would have much effect on the scripts either way.

Quoted from Souter Fell In the interview, about the evacuation... I tend to look to far into the movie outside of the movie but how cell phones and weather horns could for the most part get most of the residents out but not the terrorists. Actually the interview (which is very very long) is pure exposition.  It should be condensed and would seem less expositional if there was a little conflict there. The reporter more probing. The general more agressive and bullying.

The interview is what it is, it's the entire story for the most part. i've gotten some compliments on it and some ridicule. I thought the reporter did a good job of not letting the general avoid the fact that they dropped a bomb on American soil.

Anywho, i owe you a read. Will be returned shortly. ...    James

Well. This caught be by surprise. At first I thought it would be a basic slacker drama - miserable drunk, no life, and the usual self pitying narrative you get in stories about people you don't care about.

Then it changed direction completely. Good one. If I were sitting in a cinema watching this, I go whoa! Which is what I did when I read it.

But I didn't feel that it then developed the idea. He wakes up - and I am not sure he would have slept through it anyway, however drunk, but skip that - and finds the poor old dog dead. He sits about being self pitying. Then he dies.

The explanation behind what happened is well thought out and works on a real level - though I doubt, even in a best case senario, that he'd be the only victim - and wouldn't the area be crawling with helicopters and military. He is able to bury the dog and go back in doors without even hearing sounds of the military services. The General's dialogue on the TV also may go on a bit too long - perhaps it needs to get to the point quicker!

I had visions of this developing in a very different way - more along lines of the film "Right at your door" as Chad finds himself in the middle of a terrorist attack. I would like you to have shown a character progression, a change taking place. So Chad, through his experience, would alter, gain a new perspective on a life he has wasted, and come through it a changed man. Instead he dies, still a self pitying whiner, not even aware of what is happening because he is so self absorbed.

Still the twist at the start was very good and made a change from a twist at the end!

Quoted from Niles_Crane The explanation behind what happened is well thought out and works on a real level - though I doubt, even in a best case senario, that he'd be the only victim - and wouldn't the area be crawling with helicopters and military. He is able to bury the dog and go back in doors without even hearing sounds of the military services. The General's dialogue on the TV also may go on a bit too long - perhaps it needs to get to the point quicker!

You could be very right about that. Nothing like this has ever really happened here so I don't know how the news or military would react to it. helicopters flying everywhere? possibly. Probably be alot of military vehicles driving around also. As far as sleeping through it, i can still buy that. I've had to pull some of my friends out of the pub before and i've seen how the body can just completely shut down after too many shots. I think you could set these people on fire and they wouldn't even know it.

Quoted from Niles_Crane I had visions of this developing in a very different way - more along lines of the film "Right at your door" as Chad finds himself in the middle of a terrorist attack. I would like you to have shown a character progression, a change taking place. So Chad, through his experience, would alter, gain a new perspective on a life he has wasted, and come through it a changed man. Instead he dies, still a self pitying whiner, not even aware of what is happening because he is so self absorbed.

I need to go rent "Right At Your Door" It's been referenced to this by several people. As far as the character progression, that was not what i was shooting for. If he progressed and changed I think he would have found a way to live. Maybe put down the bottle for a spell. I just needed to watch somebody die. It was the shitty state of mind i was in when i wrote it. He is a self pittying whiner, but is it really whining if you don't ask someone else to listen????

Quoted from Niles_Crane Still the twist at the start was very good and made a change from a twist at the end!

I'm glad you liked that part, most people were caught off guard and i'm happy that i accomplished that in a 9pager. Everyone here is a twist sniffer. They can see it coming a mile off.

Thanks for the read, looking forward to more of yours.... James

Talk about going off at a tangent!

I had no idea what the premise of this short was to be. I was maybe expecting some morality tale, and although I suppose in a way it was. I loved the fact that it veered off in a completely different direction.

Great work, and a very enjoyable read.

Craig

Craig, i glad you liked it... It was an extreme "veer". Some people liked it, some did not. But it was my intention to find a way for this guy to die uner extraordinary circumstances thet were, after all, his own fault.

Glad you enjoyed the read, After this OWC hubbub, I will get to one of yours...


Thanks, James

Hi James, just read your script. Thanks for the feedback on mine.

I liked your writing and I prefer the new title to what you previously had. Matches the genre a bit more I think.

The story itself is good but I think it suffers a little as a script. The main problem is that Chad is the only 'onscreen' character for long, long periods. The problem with that is that some of the dialogue ends up sounding false. Page 6/7 is the part that this is the case for me.

Another slight problem is that you have long conversations on the telephone and on the television. You have to really make the dialogue for those parts amazing to keep your audiences attention. I would look to trim them down or intercut them with some onscreen action.

One idea, if you would be happy to extend this, is to have a dual storyline - the terrorist attack and Chad. That way we would get all the information we need and you could maybe Fade Out after Chad finds his dog and maybe starts coughing up blood himself. Just a thought...

Anyway, I did like this. Could just use a bit more work.

Ste

Ste.. Thanks for giving it a read. Thought you would enjoy it a little more than you did.

I've already revised and don't plan on doing it again. Some people really like it, Some think it's quite ordinary.

Quite fond of it meself... Maybe cuz I wrote it???

Comes down to difference of opinion. I really like the way it plays out. It shocked a good deal of people cuz the terrorist strike came outta nowhere. I can honestly say nobody saw it coming. I know it's heavy dialogue, but its just a 9 pager bout a drunk talking to himself and forgetting bout the rest of the world.

Your piece was far superior... I just thought you may enjoy a unique way for a drunk to kill himself... By being a drunk.

You're the first to bring up a dual storyline... I don't like it. I didn't want to give explanations til the very end. It is just a 9 pager. I couldn't see it getting more interesting if I extended it. I really just needed to kill a drunk.

Thanks for the looksee...

If I ever sober up, i will be glad to look at your other scripts... But I have much American Football to watch today. That always comes with a price... On Monday.

Cheers...      James

Quoted from jwent6688 Thought you would enjoy it a little more than you did.

I did enjoy it mate. I was only really commenting on the things that I thought could use some work.

Anyway, enjoy the football! I've just missed the best game of the season because I'm stuck at work on a Sunday!! Shouldn't be allowed, I tells ye.

Quoted from stebrown Anyway, enjoy the football! I've just missed the best game of the season because I'm stuck at work on a Sunday!! Shouldn't be allowed, I tells ye.

Come on... You lads don't work on Sunday. It's a holy day. For pints and pigskin. BTW, pretty sure the FUTBOLL you're talkin bout is quite different from mine. Love makin european friends... You guys have truly expanded my vocabulary. Well.. At least I'm getting better feel for UK slang. Cheers. twat. - I seriously have no idea what that word means.

Fucksticks.

This story confused me a little bit.  It's like you started one story and then decided to finish it with another.  Why would you spend so much time developing Chad's character when you're only going to end it in a meaningless way?  You did a lot with him in only a few pages, and had a character that you could've written a feature length script about him.  And you wasted him.

I disagree with the Army's 'last resort' in their situation.  Why not just take out the driver?  They should have enough sharpshooters for this job.


Phil

Phil, thanks for reading. This was my first short. Was trying to find an original way for a drunken procrastinator to die.

Quoted from dogglebe Why would you spend so much time developing Chad's character when you're only going to end it in a meaningless way?  You did a lot with him in only a few pages, and had a character that you could've written a feature length script about him.  And you wasted him.

It was meant to be a sad piece. I wanted the audience to like him. He's a good guy with a drinking problem in a bad situation. The whole story wasn't about him. Just how things set-up. The disconnection notice, the power outtage, the dead cell phone, him passing out wasted. All the things that happened in seuquence for him to die.

Quoted from dogglebe I disagree with the Army's 'last resort' in their situation.  Why not just take out the driver?  They should have enough sharpshooters for this job..

There's a point nobody's brought up til now. Very arguable. But that just wouldn't make good film.

I tried to get it to play as if the military just got wind of this info while the attack was already in progress. It was a suicide mission. If they new the exact route and had time to set-up their sharp shooters then maybe they would've gone that route.

I just believe they wouldn't even take their chances letting this truck get anywhere near a populated area. They were willing to accept some small collateral damage to stop it.

You'd have to figure if the sharp shooters weren't dead nuts first time (It does read terrorists) on killing both they would detonate.

I like it. Some didn't. Some did. I thought it was quite a bit different from many of the shorts you read on here and I'm proud of that.

Thanks for the input Phil

James,

You're an excellent writer, and the story for me works - I love the fact that someone's main flaw does them in not in the way we expect, but by being unaware or unprepared...

It seems as though this was your aim, so you succeeded in large part - however, there are some "devil's in the details" moments here:

First, cap the sound effects of the explosion and the jet - you really need to hammer us with how large this is...

Second, I would have had Chad's mom say "hi hon, it's Mom" because only the reader knows who it is then. Also, I get the sense that Chad owns the house and lives alone, so it was odd for me to find him drinking and watching TV in a basement? That's usually reserved for momma's boys that aren't out of the house yet...

The last thing that Phil brought up? Yeah, it's a concern. I was thinking that with the intel as good as it is nowadays there would have been no way the terrorists could make it to a major city without us knowing.

The fix? Maybe the army has the terrorists boxed in about a mile from their destination. In the interim they go around and try to evacuate people, but as we know, Chad is dead to the world, so to speak. And then the terrorists blow themselves up when it becomes apparent they can't reach their destination?

Other things? It's fine as it is, but if you ever re-visited it I would like to see him look at a picture of the girl that left him, maybe a memory flash or even a flashback (I love flashbacks - most people don't).

I know, a lot of comments - but actually I liked it very much overall. Nice job with this.

Anthony