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Hey don, Thanks for posting. This is my first shot, first post, so be brutal. Trying to read other peoples scripts and comment on them to make friends here. So I will return the favor to anyone who reads it.
Tried to post a revision to fix a few minor errors but it didn't make it in time. I'm sure someone will point them out to me.
No real biggy but I had no idea what Captain Morgan's was until later when you said it was booze.
I'd maybe think of breaking up the long telephone conversation with a few little lines of action.
'a second after a fast, unseen jet screams bye', I don't get this, I think it just reads wrong.
Chad's dialogue is good and natural although when he's talking about quitting, he sounds like he's talking to someone. I can't explain why, it's just the way it came across to me.
Same problem with Rudy and General Greer's dialogue, needs breaking up a tadge.
Well you have a interesting story and it's written very well, a few minor spelling mistakes but I forgot to point them out sorry. It reminds me of the film 'Right at your door'. Strangely though I can't help but get the feeling that this reads like the start of a feature. For a first effort I have to pat you on the back and say I was impressed with your writing.
Last thing, I'm not sure about your title, it makes this sound more like a comedy.
Good work James.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
This was a very interesting read. I agree with Alffy...definitely reads like a potential feature film.
I had a few qualms with the script, maybe you can clear up for me...
1) Chad seems like a very anti-social individual, yet when he checks his cellphone, he remarks that nobody cares...was that intentional, or is there a story behind that?
2)I agree with Alffy again...the title does read like it's a comedy...is it a working title?
3)Seems a bit fast that a reporter managed to get inside scoop on a probably high level government mission...maybe a time difference could be incorporated between the time Chad chooses to quit smoking/drinking, and the time the two inspectors burst into Chad's house...but that's just me
Not bad, pretty good. Reads well and was fine overall.
Page two, Come on'e', drop the the 'e'.
I have to agree with Alffy. The title leads me to believe this is a comedy.
Be careful with your slugs. You keep writing Night when the first one is all that is needed. You do write Night in one slug, then Later, then Night. Again, it's still at night, no need to write later in the slug.
This was an interesting read. When I first saw the jet I was scratching my head as to what was going on but the story unfolded very nicely after that (in structure of course, not plot, that would be just cold) revealing bit by bit what had happened. I initially thought it was an aerial attack, a dirty bomb type scenario like that film "Right At Your Door" until we find out it was a "pre-emptive" strike, as Gen. Greer put it. Very well paced, I must say.
How come Chad didn't question why Lady had vomited? Surely on a normal night leaving the dog out wouldn't have resulted in such a demise.
Be careful on page 6 as there is a lot of Chad talking to himself, nothing wrong with his lines, I'm just fearful as to how it would come across on screen.
Your dialogue in general was spot on, realistic and rang true. In particular when the reporter is talking to the General, trying to get an answer out of him which he keeps deflecting until she has him backed into a corner. How many times have we seen that on conspiracy themed documentaries, very natural, good job.
What really appealed to me was the tragedy of it all, the knock on effect of one action to another and how they can result in the worst possible consequences. How a seemingly harmless, insignificant decision, even sometime one done with the best intentions can have an adverse effect on the individual and those around them.
I explored a similar motif of sorts in my latest short on here called "Your Golden Years Await" if you get a chance you might take a look.
Wow, thanks for the reads. i guess i shouldn't go out on script posting day. I'm sure theres a way to respond to each of you one at a time, but I dont know. So here goes Alffy: Sorry, I assumed everyone knows what captain morgan's is here in the states. You guys don't have that out there? You're being robbed. A fast unseen jet was just to add drama. honestly, If it was bombed in the states it would have been from a high altitude jet that nobody ever saw. Chad's talking to his father who is in the photograph. And yes the title is misleading, but couldn't come up with one better. Still can't. Definitely not a feature. Just a lonely blue collar drunk who's girlfriend left him. Thanks for the read. I will return the favor.
Silva: 1) most anti-socials blame everyone else for their solitude. At least i do. 2)The title sucks. 3)Never thought of it as a clandestine mission. I played it out like the operation was so successful that gov't boasted about it. No inside scoop.
Javier: i admit, title sucks. Is that true though? Until you change to night or day you don't have to post it in your slugs? I didn't know that. Funny, I've already read Three soulshadows. Loved em' Just felt too amateur to post. i will start. Thanks.
Col: Thanks. Your first questions is a good one. I actually added a scene to revision where he tries to call someone after finding her then slams down his phone breaking it bcuz it won't charge. At the same time, a dead pooch is a dead pooch. And a lazy drunk is the same. Could go either way. I've never seen "Right At Your Door", but will check it at soon. As well As your script.
Thanks everyone, returning the favor tomorrow. Just got home from the pub. Need to go pass out.
I don't mind the title. I just didn't fancy the dialogue between the soldiers. It was too "jargony" and esoteric. They felt like talking heads so I skimmed that part.
It's a sad story. Chad didn't live, but existed. Maybe you should add some interactions with Chad and another character because his lament about a woman driving him to drink came out of nowhere and felt strange...
You write very well though. Just figure out the narrative(story) and redraft.
I only decided to glance over this because I thought it would hit me in the heart kinda like stebrown's "a brief history of an alcoholic," which made me cry.
The title itself pulled me in, the logline was ok,
But man the story didnt really do anything for me. I'm sorry. I was expecting a depressing way this guy Chad was gonna stop drinking or whatever, and in the end it was some kind of military disaster or whatever.
I don't know. Just didn't do me anything.
The only positive I can point out is some of the dialogue, like when Chad is burying the dog and when hes talkin to himself about the past. I can vouch for moments like that. I think if you tried to put more emotion into it tho that his lines would have connected more with me on a deeper level.
You have your character Chad come home and sees his dog Lady in a cage in the living room. I was wondering why is the dog in a cage indoors? You'll have to set your dog free as this would be animal cruelty. The dog is already locked up inside the house, no need to lock the dog up a further time in a cage.
Really? Sorry javier. Perfectly acceptable to crate your dog while you are out. Even the people at the animal resue centers are recommend it. When dogs get used to their cage they are very comfortable and at ease in them. Plus, Keeps them from running around chewing up everything in your house when your not home. Took that one to hear a little. I'm a dog lover and I have a resued pooch from an abused life. And i do crate her when i'm gone. Thanks Jay
This read well, stylish and visual descriptions. I didn't notice many mistakes, which is always nice.
You've replied about the dog in the cage at the start and the response is fair enough. But I'd still say most people would think the protag is cruel and nasty to do that, which is the opposite of what you're trying to do at the start.
The plot overall and dialogue are nicely done. I read it again and it works better a second time, particularly the bit with the dog.
A few small points, I was wondering what this guy is doing with a Blackberry. I don't think the (O.S.) bit for the phone calls is right. Good job.
Well, that's the second complaint about the dog in the cage. It sucks, cuz i was really trying to show how Chad truly was good to his dog. Wanted him to seem like just a nice guy with a drinking problem. Thanks for the read Rendevous. I thought everyone had a blackberry these days. I do, and i'm no businessman. Are you in UK? Starting to wonder if this is a UK/US disagreement here about crating your pooch. james
You're welcome. I'm in the UK so maybe that's the case about the dog. I could later later he was kind to the dog so the cage seemed out of place.
I'd have thought Chad would have sold the Blackberry long ago if he was down on his luck. Particularly if he likes a drink and cigs and is short of the green. If you just called it cellphone / mobile it wouldn't draw attention to it.
Either ways they were small points in what is a good piece.