Quoted from jwent6688 James, Thanks for the read. I don't know how I would end the story with Chad... He is dead. I have had quite a few complaints about him talking to himself. It's one of those things that I stuck to because i think it was more realistic for a guy who cuts himself off from the world. Which really was his demise in the first place. The girlfriend subplot was just improved IMO, if you read earlier comments, she did come kinda out of the blue (This is second draft now) I'll check out one of your scripts in the next couple days....  Holy Shit you've got alot, Which one would you like me to check out?          James (Yes, that's my name too, now i know who stole the "James" username)

Hey James. Sorry for stealing the username, haha. There weren't too many James's around when I first registered.

Anyway, what I meant by ending with Chad was just having him there, not neccesarily having him alive and talking. These government guys could easily find him. He's not disintegrated or anything, is he? I mean, the TV's still running.

You can also have Chad talking to himself. I just don't think he'd do it to the extent he does now. You don't need to force the exposition. Some of it can be inferred. It's usually best when the audience is able to figure out some for themselves.

As for an exchange, I could still use a few reads for Little Japan In Big Trouble. Or you could dig up an old crusty one if you like but not all of them are great, haha. Any of the shorts will do, really.

Hey James.

Good rewrite. Here are some suggestions to further sharpen your script:

> No need to use "beat" for a pause. This is a style perference. You do like to use them, though so be careful of overuse.

> Name the ex-girlfriend. It'll add a human element to Chad's character.

> Tell us it's the father in the picture. Perhaps in the dialog, "Dad, I..." Again it'll add to the character.

> Wasn't there a family event mentioned in the prior version of his mom's telephone message? Add it back, please. Not only was it funnier when Chad said "Fuck no" it adds to (guess what?) the character.

> The general talks too much. "Generally", the reader slows down when reading long lines of dialog. Or at least, they think, OMG how much do I have to read now?

> "The unseen jet roars by" is good description. But wouldn't you hear the jet before  the bomb? Not vice versa.  I'm not sure what is acoustically correct. Just saying.

Hope these suggestions help.

Gary

Gary, thanks for checking this out. As far as beat for a pause, I really don't know the difference. I only use them in action sentences because i think actors/actresses would know when to pause.

I like not having a name for the ex, if anything i could have her name atop the text message he's getting ready to send, but she's not really the focal point.

I think you would get it's his father on film,,, with the old photo, the way he speaks to it..  At least an important elder relative. I can't explain everything.

I didnt change the MOM (V.O.) it's exactly the same as original. I think this would be more understanding on screen... i.e. The tone of her voice, her age would be evident, we would assume mom or another elder relative... Good enough for me.

The general does talk alot, but would it be too much for the viewer? Listener? As the bio-hazard team examines his basement? I'm not sure.

I've posted earlier, as an avid fan of U.S. military that if there was a pre-emptive strike it would have probably came from high altitude.  i put in a low flying jet to add drama, in which case i was thinking missile (ahead of the jet).

Thanks for the read, i seem to disagree with you completely. I will read one of yours. I don't think we see the same...  Tx....   James

Very depressing.

You right your action lines very well. Especially if this your first script. When Chad talks about his former girl I felt it was a bit forced. It didn't feel as though he was talking to himself. Maybe explain it visually. In flashbacks?

This is a long shot, but was his mom on that crashed plane?

James >> OK to disagree. You obviously thought my points through. That's a good thing for us novice writers do -- be open to suggestions.

Gary

Gary, again thanks for the read and suggestions. I'll check out some of your work soon. Then you can disagree with my suggestions.                                                 Tony, were you drunk when you read this? Saw the post @ 2:48am. There is no plane crash btw. Its a military strike. Since you wrote "right well" instead of "write well". I came to the conclusion that u had been tipping back a few?   ....James

Hi James. I read this again. I thought you'd changed it somehow but it read the same.
I stand by my previous post on page 2 that i liked it.
I would love to see it expanded into a black comedy if you choose that option. Cheers and good luck.

Stevie, thanks for reading it again, I remember you being one of the few who didn't have any problems with it so I guess i didn't add much to it for you. I just changed a few subtle things... Dog not caged, made him seem a little more broke, tried to introduce his ex-girlfriend a little early on with the txt. Anyways, glad you liked it cause I'm done with it. moving on to other things for now. Tx....     James

What a cool idea. I really enjoyed this one.

I never read the logline to this so I thought it was just a slice of life reality peiece involving an alcholic. So when Lady gets put outside and you then you have BOOM! I was quite shocked then loved how the story just spun off in a totally diffent direction.

Chad and all the dialouge felt very real, so great job on that.

I've honestly got nothing bad to say about this one.

This is one that deserves to picked up by a producer.

and what's this up above about Slabby tanked up on liquor wnen he adds a post to these message boards.

No matter what message board you go to, there's always a drunk on board with a beer in one hand and the mouse in the other.  

Tonka, glad you enjoyed this one. I think you're the first person to read the revision who hadn't read the first draft. Since you seem to have now problems with it I can only think I made it a little better. Much thanks to previous suggestions I got from people on here.

I'd love to see this get produced, then again, who wouldn't like to see their scripts turned into film.

Anyways, thanks for the read, I'll check your script out soon...              James

This was an ok short. You might want to dramatize his desperation a little more by having him run out of smokes in the morning and lightening a butt out of the ashtray or something. You could also have flashbacks of him and the ex fighting in a bar accompanied by a VO of him describing the relationship. Apart from that it was pretty good. The only line that seemed on the nose to me was the bit that said: He tries to pick her up but drops her after noticing the unlife like stiffness in her body. I would've written: He tries to pick her up but drops her when he notices that rigourmortis has set in.  Or he tries to pick her up but drops her when he notices she’s dead. Unlife isn’t even a word is it?

Chris, you bring up some good points. "Un-life like" is not a word. I am not a very good writer, I'll admit that. More of an idealist. That's why I am trying to write screenplays. Because, other than your dialogue, you don't have to be a beautiful writer. Which I am not. To me it's all how you show the story. You knew what I meant, but at the same time you are right. I do need to work on this to look professional.

They wouldn't have fought in a bar, that's where they got along. They fought at home alone like the rest of us.

I do like the butt in the ashtray scene though, unfortunately I had him walk in with a carton in the first scene. Not that i couldn't change it anyways.

Thanks for the suggestions... I think this piece needs work, but at the same time, I don't think it would ever get filmed. Love to see it, but it was a short I came up with strictly to post here and get some comments on my writing. I'm glad i did cause i've learned a great deal from it.... Thanks...  James

Hey, James. This was a nice little short, above average. I don't think this script needs a whole lot of attention, it was done very well. To tell you the truth I don't really have any suggestions at all. I liked that you hinted at a woman in Chad's past without revealing anything about her except that she liked to drink with him. And then having Chad believe alcohol and cigarettes would kill him before he gets the short end of the stick with some terrorist plot to destroy Cleveland (though I have to ask, would they really target Cleveland?)

Nice work, can't wait to read more from you.

James

James, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it. I'm sure the terrorists would prefer NY, LA, DC... Was kinda thinking maybe they go after a city with much less security for a change. I timed it during the NBA conference finals that took place here this year. Could have lied and said the president was attending, which he did not... Anyways, you've got a valid point there.

Working on two shorts now. I've enjoyed wallowing in the mild success of this piece for a spell. Time to get something new on the board for the reality check. I should have two twenty pagers up in the next couple weeks... Hope you like vampires.  

James

James

I enjoyed the original draft so I said I'd have a look at this.

Like the original I really enjoy your dialogue, very natural and realistic. The structure and sequenceing of this story feels more self assure and organised, so a marked improvement there.

I think you shoul capitilise "explosion" I know, a  very minor detail but cos its such an important event within the story, it could get lost among the text. Inyour defense though you've taken more time to describe the immediate aftermath of the event thus giving us more to go on. The whole "dirty bombs" scenario caught some people unaware the last time, making unsure of how to react to the story.

What does "counter back splash in frustration" mean?

I realise the Chad talking to himself and his dead pet scenes are the core of the piece as reality of his situation dawns on him. Although the majority of it works and provides some moving moments and significant revelations, that Chad had been married once, had a wife who drank as nmuch as he did and was in the army (presuming that is him in the photo as you don't specify) To your credit we do learn a lot about Chad's background and history in those few short lines. However I did find some of the lines a little suspect, maybe a bit to much talking to himself at times, in particular the "Nobody's ever going to date me" line. I think "Nobody's ever going to want to be with me, or get to know me or put up with me" would be more suitable. I dunno maybe its just a cultural thing, Americans do say date more than Europeans "date" just seemed odd to me, a little adolescent if you know what I mean? Having said all that I do see this as merely a device you were using to fill in the blanks for the audience and with only one character, voiceover would have been the common option to take, so this was a refreshing change in that respect.

Overall this was a superior draft, James, well done. A lot tighter, more focused, great closing line too in light of what the righteous Greer was saying on the TV. As I said when commenting on the last version I loved the knock on tragedy of ones seemingly harmless actions and what they can ultimately lead to. Between not paying the electricity bill so he believed that was why the power was cut, the phone not charging, leaving out the dog, not going out with his friends or going away for the weekend with his family, instead staying in his basement.

Of course the common denominator of all this was his drinking problem which can be held both directly or indirectly responsible for all of he above things. Some might say the chemical warfare is a bit much, a bit too far out but such is drama and creating it for the reader. In regards the story I think it works and would make for  decent piece of film. Plus its probably not all that of an implausibilty given our current times.

A vastly improved rewrite, good work.

Col.