farking Phil, ask a little hand puppet to read your script and he finds the tiniest hole, plugs a wedge in it, and hammers it home.

That's what I expect from good writers. You picked up on it also.

AJ, thanks for the read. I thought this fucker was air tight. Guessed wrong.

First, the air strike. I hate to reference this for any reason, but I think we all know US gov't was scrambling fighters during 9-11. For the specific reason of shooting down a commercial air-liner.

I reallly thought this would be their most likely and most effective response in this situation. I failed to convey the rural atmosphere i was thinking of. Everyone's yard is an acre or more. Chad's the same. The gov may not think twice to strike out there.

Like I said, Arguable...

Chad's mom's phone call should be fixed, I agree, Thanks for the heads up on the explosion.

The picture was supposed to be his father. Deceased. I didn't convey that well, you're not the first.

And the finale... Your suggestion... Love it! The thing is I wanted this to be a piece where nobody knows what happens til the end. Referencing a gunfight/standoff with police over the tele at the end would be even more talky. It struggles to hold on as it is IMO. If I were to lengthen this, I just may damn well use that, And offer you no credit for it.

Heh, it's showbiz right? or just a bunch of turds sitting around on their laptops...

Great feedback, you will get more from me assured.


james

Hey James.

Just Read "Sumthymes". Got chills bro.

Real, very real. Had to read it again.

Got more so. If dis is ur 1st. shot, man you're in the gold circle!

Liked it.

Bit jealous now.

Wish I could only.....maybe one day........ if it ever comes.
Em

Emcee,

Thanks for the read. I was impressed with yours, moreso trying to understand it with the xtra comments.

I wrote this awhile agoes. Almost a year. But me first post ever. So am proud of it. Mostly good reviews.

The way you talk, I have no idea if you're being honest or sarcastic. Either way I luv to read it.

You should check out rendevous' work. I think you two's would find the same language or the like.

Absomutely no sarcasm meant. All honest stuff.

Em.

Em, regardless, I will look for more of your work. PM me if ya'd like me to read something

James

Hey James.

Gotta a new'un poaching right now. Crashing through de cranium.

Hate this stage. Can't sleep, thinking, juxtaposing, actually just posing. But no, is dare any udders in the great void of S.S. dat suffer similarlee.

When I get it down ( should/could be IF) I'll tip you the wink, nod the ol' swede. your way.

Gotta get it dunn b4 it does me.

Need help. Lots.

Em.

Hey James, just finished reading this one and got a few comments.

Great dilemma you give to the authorities here… sacrifice a few innocent civilians for the greater good... tough decision... strong conflict.

This is clearly a cautionary tale. If I understood correctly, you want to convey that drinking can disconnect you from reality, and that can have tragic consequences. That’s cool. I enjoyed this piece.

Story wise, the only thing that sticked out for me was that falling victim of a terrorist attack is not a common consequence of excessive drinking. I do follow the logic of this tale, and I can understand why this happens to your protagonist but...

The thing is that there are lots of people who don’t drink and die on terrorists attacks, and a lot of drinkers that never fall victim of terrorism. The set up of this story (heavy drinker) doesn’t seem to click very well together with its resolution (being a terrorist casualty).

The causality is all there, but for a cautionary tale, some more connective tissue seems to be missing in order for the audience to say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!"

This tale is what it is though, and this is the story you wanted to tell so, rewrite suggestions are out of the question. This is just an honest impression which I’m telling you for you to, maybe, have in mind for future projects.

I do have a couple of suggestions that could be easily incorporated if you find it useful.

The last scenes, in which the protagonist is dead, and we hear all that information from a news reporter on TV... It gets the job done, but the scene does seem a bit dry (just the facts).

Perhaps instead of having the character dead you could have him dying and conscious enough to process what’s happening. So we still get all the information and we get to see some emotional response in the protagonist.

Also the scene when the protagonist speaks to himself... it gets the job done feeding us with vital information about his backstory, but I wonder if there’s a better way to get this point across. Since there’s nobody there to listen to the protagonist, it kind of becomes obvious that this speech is being given for the audience’s benefit.

Maybe you could dramatize the scene and relay this information through conflict? Lame example: He talks about the subject with one of his drinking buddies. They have opposite views about this issue so a discussion ensues. And, indirectly, through each side’s arguments we learn about the underlying facts generating this discussion.

Hope you find these notes useful. Best of luck.  

Matias, huge thanks for giving this a read, and detailed review

Quoted from Mr.Z This is clearly a cautionary tale. If I understood correctly, you want to convey that drinking can disconnect you from reality, and that can have tragic consequences. That’s cool. I enjoyed this piece.

That pretty much sums it up, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Mr.Z The thing is that there are lots of people who don’t drink and die on terrorists attacks, and a lot of drinkers that never fall victim of terrorism. The set up of this story (heavy drinker) doesn’t seem to click very well together with its resolution (being a terrorist casualty). The causality is all there, but for a cautionary tale, some more connective tissue seems to be missing in order for the audience to say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!"

Gonna completely agree with your logic there. My theme was not so much "If you drink, you might be befallin' to a terrorist attack". It was more so that even if you isolate yourself, the world outside will still find a way to get you. It was also Chad's character flaw that did him in. He was a good guy, but a procrastinator. He knew he had to turn his life around, just wasn't ready.

Definetly wasn't trying to make a piece where people say "Aha! That's what happens when you drink!" Those have been done a thousand times and, frankly, I'm quite bored of them. I think most adults know the life effects alcohol can have on them. I'm not an accomplished enough writer to make another that holds interest IMO

Quoted from Mr.Z Perhaps instead of having the character dead you could have him dying and conscious enough to process what’s happening. So we still get all the information and we get to see some emotional response in the protagonist.

I really liked the timing of the ending. When the power comes on. They turn off the T.V. right when he says "No casulties". Only to realize, there is one.

Quoted from Mr.Z Also the scene when the protagonist speaks to himself... it gets the job done feeding us with vital information about his backstory, but I wonder if there’s a better way to get this point across. Since there’s nobody there to listen to the protagonist, it kind of becomes obvious that this speech is being given for the audience’s benefit.

You're not the first to complain about this scene. It was supposed to be a photo of his dead father he was talking to. I didn't convey that very well. I think on film it would work better.

Quoted from Mr.Z Maybe you could dramatize the scene and relay this information through conflict? Lame example: He talks about the subject with one of his drinking buddies. They have opposite views about this issue so a discussion ensues. And, indirectly, through each side’s arguments we learn about the underlying facts generating this discussion.

A good suggestion. I've not given much thought to this one of late. Was posted some time ago. Was moreso written to try to throw a curve ball at everybody here and also make it air tight. Many people like to tear apart the logistics of your story, myself included.

If I ever do revisit this, it would only be to ressurect Chad's character. I would probably lengthen it, remove the terror plot, and have him find his way out of his self made hell. Probably be feature length to get it done right.

What I meant to say is I'm not going to enter this short in any contests, but if I ever decided to, I would take your suggestions seriously. I think your a good writer and value your opinion. Thanks again...

James

Hi James, I think I've read this a long time ago but never got to comment on it.

My first feeling is the first half doesn't match with the second half. I suppose your real story is the bombing of the suburb, but how does the first part about Chad drinking and smoking and not going out at night relate to it?

Another problem is the conversation on TV for the last 3 pages. Doesn't work at all to engage the audience. Gotta find some other ways to put all those exposition out.

My suggestion, although it may change your story, is that start with the news that there will be bombing and then show how Chad deals with it along with Lady. This way the Chad part will be more organic to the bombing incident.

On the other hand, the writing is not bad.

Herman

Herman, thanks for the read.

Quoted from Coding Herman My first feeling is the first half doesn't match with the second half. I suppose your real story is the bombing of the suburb, but how does the first part about Chad drinking and smoking and not going out at night relate to it?

It's absolutely necessary IMO. He passes out drunk, doesn't hear the explosion. Doesn't hear the sirens. When he comes to he thinks the power company shut him off because of the "Disconnect Notice" in the beginning, so he doesn't suspect anything unusual has happened.

Quoted from Coding Herman Another problem is the conversation on TV for the last 3 pages. Doesn't work at all to engage the audience. Gotta find some other ways to put all those exposition out.

I think the T.V. conversation works great. It may be a little long, but it sounds like the general is being grilled pretty good by the reporter IMO. It is expositional. They're talking about what just happened.

Again, This was my first ever short. It's not without faults. I've revised it once. Probably won't do it again, lest it garners some interest from someboady.

Thanks for the read. If you like me to look at something sometime, just PM me.

James

Cavs in the Eastern Finals, huh?  I didn't know you had it in you to write some hardcore science fiction.  Oh, wait a second.  This was posted in '09.  Makes more sense now.  :-)

But a lot more people attend football games and more damage could have been done at a football game rather than basketball.  The terrorists should've waited until the Browns made it to the AF-  (nevermind.  I won't even finish that one)

What's up, James?

Did you just add this story recently to your 'My Scripts' link in your sig?  I just checked to see if you've written anything new that got by me in the portal, and I never remembered seeing this one there before.

This one was good.  I kind of wanted to see Chad either lift himself out of his funk to inspire others or destroy himself maybe to teach a lesson of some sort.  But this is good, and, strangely, I do like where you went with it.  How he was so oblivious and selfish and worried about himself, he didn't notice anything going on around him.  Not even a counter-terrorism attack.  I must admit, that does teach a lesson, and it really does show how wrapped up we can get in ourselves.  I'm not going to go as far to say that this story is definately believable or that it felt very real, but you definately make an interesting and valid point with it.  At least that's what I took away from it.

The whole thing with the T.V. interview at the end felt really expository and a little on the nose, but I have no idea how you'd be able to get the point across of what actually happened any other way.

I'm usually not one to get into arguments about slugs.  As long as I can follow the settings and the flow of the story, I don't even address them.  But there was a part I had to go back and reread 2 or 3 times because I wasn't following the slugs very well.  From the bottom of page 3 through pretty much all of page 4.  I think it's just too many jumps and, all the nights were very repetive.  The way I read it at first, I thought Chad let Lady out the backyard and he passed out outside while letting her out.  Then, he all of a sudden woke up in the basement or something.  I mean, I got the gist of it after I reread it a couple times, but it was still confusing and was probably the only thing that slowed down an otherwise smooth read.

Anyway, good job on this.

I think there was another story on your 'My Scripts' link that I don't ever remember reading, so you'll probably be hearing from in a couple more days again.

- Mark

Arrrrgh!!!  

I loved the opening James.  There was some real emotional stuff going on there, but then straight out of Fox News comes a thwarted terrorist attack!?  What?!  Dude, that completely ruined it for me.  I was hooked on Chad, felt the pain, felt the affection for his dog that perhaps a shot at living well might be within his grasp, and then anthrax kills him...?!  

Great writing man, seriously, I felt it was tops, but the story sank to the bottom.  

Thanks for drudging up this old relic, Mark. Glad you liked it for what it was. It was the first thing I've ever written and if I had any pride I would go back and give this one a tune up. I understand what you're saying about the slug confusion. I was confused as how to write it.

The ending is chock full of exposition. I could only hope that on film it wouldn't seem as bad. Yes, couldn't figure another way to get the story across that fast. At the time i wrote it, the cavs were playing in the Eastern conference finals. Don't hold your breath about the Browns either. I actually went to the very first Browns game after 9-11. Security was super tight and there were thousands of people waiting at the gate to get in. I kept thinking something bad was gonna happen in that crowd.

Chris, think that's you name?

Thanks for reading, as I said above, this was the first thing I ever posted here. Many people loved the ending, some were with you on it. To me its more about Chad's chosen isolation as a drunk makes him miss these fantastic events which eventually lead to his demise.

It is what it is. Glad you enjoyed the writing. I cringe a bit when I go back and read this now.

James

*SPOILERS*

James, dude, you killed off a German Shepherd!  Never do that to me in a script!!  )))

Okay, Lady's demise aside (you brute) - enjoyed the script, though I do feel it could be sharpened/tweaked a bit.  

IMHO:

Add a bit more pathos to make us care about what happens to Chad

And I'd personally pare down the interview at the end, and intersperse it more thoroughly with discovery of Chad's body.   That keeps the interest and tension going best.

Oh - and did enjoy the "I'll stop smoking on Monday, too" line.  Nice misdirection...

James, you got it right, Chris.  

Outstanding effort for your first day out.  Most pros I've talked to all say that!  "I look back at my first scripts and just cringe"  how funny...  At the time you write them you're thinking this is the greatest script ever written!