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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Bury The Truth - Filmed!
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  Author    Bury The Truth - Filmed!  (currently 964 views)
Don
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bury The Truth by Zack Akers - Short, Thriller - Two friends bury a body deep in the woods. But can they bury the truth? 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 7th, 2019, 11:30am
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Zack
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks for getting this up so fast, Don. I'll never be able to say it enough. You're awesome, Dude!

My friend and I are wanting to make our own short horror films, so I tried to write something super simple and super cheap for our first project. Looking for any advice on how I can punch this up a bit more.


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Good for you intending to make your own film!

It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.

Good Luck dude!  


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work. For a four pager it definitely has its needed satisfying moment. I think it's all right.


Nit-picky stuff that actually have no meaning:

I heard that "handsome" as a physical description is frown on by writers. Perhaps it's a too generic and non-specific term. I have no opinion on that myself other than that I already connect an athletic person to looking "generally" handsome.

I think you don't have to cap most of the sounds like scoff, sigh, roars… since it's just clear and easy to comprehend.

You got a lot of modifiers before the action verbs "begins to" fill in, "continues to" toss dirt, "stops" shoveling, "goes back to" filling, "finishes" filling, "uses the shovel to" …

practically ROARS - practically?

I don't think the (CONT'D) references are needed. These are two persons and your reader is fully aware what happens and when someone continues to speak.

Top of p3 – after the page break, I wouldn't start with a personal pronoun and rather simply use the character's name. Call me old-school but to me the reader owns the page break to take a sip of coffee or do whatever for a second, so imo you should be specific there to let her/him continue the read without having to look back whose turn it's been.

Close on at p4 isn't needed

Anyway, as said, those points have no true meaning and you don't have to change them since screenwriting is no algebra and everything is understandable and easy to follow as it is, especially the story, which works fine for this little piece.

Just nit-picky secondary style things…

Good luck.



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Arundel
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Read this a few times, including once just the action, and once just the dialog. What's good is that it flowed with just the descriptions and also with just the characters talking. Unfortunately still kind of confused by the ending. Pieced it together enough to get the Jake was reliving his final conversation with Evan before... correct? Up until that it was pretty clear. As a shoot-it-yourself project you shouldn't have much trouble at all.
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eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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I l liked this, Zack.  Nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Go, Zack!

First impressions: nicely done.

I actually thought these two guys were burying someone else (some hit they did together) and I thought the ensuing argument was going to lead to first the soil being shovelled in but it then being shovelled back out as the argument got more intense. Then obviously scrawny guy, oblivious, being smacked over the head and in he goes.  Your intended version (not the one where my head took it) is typically more supernatural. I do like Pia's suggestions with the visuals of bruising etc.

I'm going to give it another read later, see if I can add anything productive.
Great job.


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Steven
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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While I'm not qualified to actually critique, I will say just two things. The first being that there are a lot of commas, when maybe there doesn't need to be? One sentence had 4 I think it was.

For the character introductions, there's no mention of how dirty they are. I'd assume if these dudes were digging a hole, they'd be a complete mess. At the very least they'd be sweaty and physically exhausted.

Maybe I interpreted this wrong, but I saw the story as Jake burying the "other side" of him, which he calls Evan.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Well done for taking the plunge, Zack!

Did you describe the Evan character as handsome because you will be playing him?  


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Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for giving this a look, guys. Much appreciated. I'm at work right now and unfortunately only have access to my terrible cellphone, but I will try to reply to each of you as soon as I get the chance.


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Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear


It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.



Thanks for going over this for me, Pia. Hope you've been well.

I was actually worried the twist was too obvious. You really didn't see it coming? I really like you idea of having Evan gradually look worse and worse, but I'd have to keep it very subtle. Can't spoil the surprise. Lol

Thanks again, Pia. If you'd like an extra pair of eyes to look over anything for ya, just send me a pm.


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MikeK
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Wow, was not expecting that ending. Great stuff. Keep up the good work


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Fais85
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Very well done Zack. Initially, I thought Jake will attack Evan from behind and will kill him too in the end. But this ending was really surprising.

I loved Pia's suggestions.
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Zack
Posted: August 7th, 2019, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Nice work. For a four pager it definitely has its needed satisfying moment. I think it's all right.



Thanks for reading, Alex. Glad you enjoyed it. You bring up a lot of good points that I mostly agree with. Appreciate all the advice.

I've always kinda struggled with character descriptions. Need to improve here for sure.

You say I use a lot of modifiers to begin my action. Is that bad? Or am I just doing it too much?

Totally agree with your point on the start of page 3. Makes total sense and isn't something I would have thought about. Thanks, Dude.

The CLOSE ON at page four is really just there to emphasize that Evan isn't in that shot, but I can see your point.


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PrussianMosby
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Quoted from Zack

You say I use a lot of modifiers to begin my action. Is that bad? Or am I just doing it too much?


Zack, here's a little essay in response for you

To me those modifiers as I call them here - especially the chronologically driven ones (begin, stop) - translate a little passive while reading, regarding the fact that I truly translate your words into a moving picture LIVE. Each and every word is live to me.

And when descriptions of actions (actions, which VERBS embody more than any other word group imo, as parts of pure and immediate movement or behavior), are introduced by "begin, stops" doing something, it imo disrupts the direct process of translating pictures in my mind.

Because, when one picture follows the other, right, then how could a character stop something. Example, in a sense, a character wouldn't "stop" shoveling on screen but what he actually might do is to stick the shovel into the soil and lean his forearms onto the handle-

There are a few exceptions when I see 'stops' to do as a necessity though. However, I saw it a little frequently done in your work.

I hope this makes sense.

And anyway, you are truly clear and fine with your presentation. So, nothing to over-think in any and whatever case. Stuff is fine.

I like the twist very much and look forward to what you do with it.




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