All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Thanks for getting this up so fast, Don. I'll never be able to say it enough. You're awesome, Dude!
My friend and I are wanting to make our own short horror films, so I tried to write something super simple and super cheap for our first project. Looking for any advice on how I can punch this up a bit more.
It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.
Nice work. For a four pager it definitely has its needed satisfying moment. I think it's all right.
Nit-picky stuff that actually have no meaning:
I heard that "handsome" as a physical description is frown on by writers. Perhaps it's a too generic and non-specific term. I have no opinion on that myself other than that I already connect an athletic person to looking "generally" handsome.
I think you don't have to cap most of the sounds like scoff, sigh, roars… since it's just clear and easy to comprehend.
You got a lot of modifiers before the action verbs "begins to" fill in, "continues to" toss dirt, "stops" shoveling, "goes back to" filling, "finishes" filling, "uses the shovel to" …
practically ROARS - practically?
I don't think the (CONT'D) references are needed. These are two persons and your reader is fully aware what happens and when someone continues to speak.
Top of p3 – after the page break, I wouldn't start with a personal pronoun and rather simply use the character's name. Call me old-school but to me the reader owns the page break to take a sip of coffee or do whatever for a second, so imo you should be specific there to let her/him continue the read without having to look back whose turn it's been.
Close on at p4 isn't needed
Anyway, as said, those points have no true meaning and you don't have to change them since screenwriting is no algebra and everything is understandable and easy to follow as it is, especially the story, which works fine for this little piece.
Read this a few times, including once just the action, and once just the dialog. What's good is that it flowed with just the descriptions and also with just the characters talking. Unfortunately still kind of confused by the ending. Pieced it together enough to get the Jake was reliving his final conversation with Evan before... correct? Up until that it was pretty clear. As a shoot-it-yourself project you shouldn't have much trouble at all.
I actually thought these two guys were burying someone else (some hit they did together) and I thought the ensuing argument was going to lead to first the soil being shovelled in but it then being shovelled back out as the argument got more intense. Then obviously scrawny guy, oblivious, being smacked over the head and in he goes. Your intended version (not the one where my head took it) is typically more supernatural. I do like Pia's suggestions with the visuals of bruising etc.
I'm going to give it another read later, see if I can add anything productive. Great job.
While I'm not qualified to actually critique, I will say just two things. The first being that there are a lot of commas, when maybe there doesn't need to be? One sentence had 4 I think it was.
For the character introductions, there's no mention of how dirty they are. I'd assume if these dudes were digging a hole, they'd be a complete mess. At the very least they'd be sweaty and physically exhausted.
Maybe I interpreted this wrong, but I saw the story as Jake burying the "other side" of him, which he calls Evan.
Thanks for giving this a look, guys. Much appreciated. I'm at work right now and unfortunately only have access to my terrible cellphone, but I will try to reply to each of you as soon as I get the chance.
It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.
Thanks for going over this for me, Pia. Hope you've been well.
I was actually worried the twist was too obvious. You really didn't see it coming? I really like you idea of having Evan gradually look worse and worse, but I'd have to keep it very subtle. Can't spoil the surprise. Lol
Thanks again, Pia. If you'd like an extra pair of eyes to look over anything for ya, just send me a pm.
You say I use a lot of modifiers to begin my action. Is that bad? Or am I just doing it too much?
Zack, here's a little essay in response for you
To me those modifiers as I call them here - especially the chronologically driven ones (begin, stop) - translate a little passive while reading, regarding the fact that I truly translate your words into a moving picture LIVE. Each and every word is live to me.
And when descriptions of actions (actions, which VERBS embody more than any other word group imo, as parts of pure and immediate movement or behavior), are introduced by "begin, stops" doing something, it imo disrupts the direct process of translating pictures in my mind.
Because, when one picture follows the other, right, then how could a character stop something. Example, in a sense, a character wouldn't "stop" shoveling on screen but what he actually might do is to stick the shovel into the soil and lean his forearms onto the handle-
There are a few exceptions when I see 'stops' to do as a necessity though. However, I saw it a little frequently done in your work.
I hope this makes sense.
And anyway, you are truly clear and fine with your presentation. So, nothing to over-think in any and whatever case. Stuff is fine.
I like the twist very much and look forward to what you do with it.
Read this a few times, including once just the action, and once just the dialog. What's good is that it flowed with just the descriptions and also with just the characters talking. Unfortunately still kind of confused by the ending. Pieced it together enough to get the Jake was reliving his final conversation with Evan before... correct? Up until that it was pretty clear. As a shoot-it-yourself project you shouldn't have much trouble at all.
Thanks for the read, Rennie. Happy you enjoyed it.
I did not intend for Jake to be reliving his final conversation with Evan. More that Jake is just fuckin' crazy. Lol
I actually thought these two guys were burying someone else (some hit they did together) and I thought the ensuing argument was going to lead to first the soil being shovelled in but it then being shovelled back out as the argument got more intense. Then obviously scrawny guy, oblivious, being smacked over the head and in he goes. Your intended version (not the one where my head took it) is typically more supernatural. I do like Pia's suggestions with the visuals of bruising etc.
I'm going to give it another read later, see if I can add anything productive. Great job.
Thanks for reading, Libby. Glad you enjoyed it. Will hopefully be filming this in the next month or so... So if any idea strikes you on how this could be improved in any way, please don't hesitate.
While I'm not qualified to actually critique, I will say just two things. The first being that there are a lot of commas, when maybe there doesn't need to be? One sentence had 4 I think it was.
For the character introductions, there's no mention of how dirty they are. I'd assume if these dudes were digging a hole, they'd be a complete mess. At the very least they'd be sweaty and physically exhausted.
Maybe I interpreted this wrong, but I saw the story as Jake burying the "other side" of him, which he calls Evan.
Thanks for read, Steven.
I tend to break up my sentences a bit more than usual with commas, sorry if it was distracting. Still trying to find the right balance.
Agreed on the characters need to be better decribed. Will fix that ASAP.
Yeah, you interpreted it wrong. Jake is just crazy and talking to the guy he just killed. Interesting idea though.
I'm late to this party... and I have nothing to add.
Just know, I enjoyed this. It worked for me and I didn't see the end coming.
Since you're shooting this yourself, I didn't even read it for formatting, etc. I only read for story. Figured the other stuff was inconsequential if you're not going for a sale.
Can't wait to see the finished short. (Have fun digging that hole!)
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Just know, I enjoyed this. It worked for me and I didn't see the end coming.
Can't wait to see the finished short. (Have fun digging that hole!)
Thanks for reading, Paul. Stoked you enjoyed it. Wanna write another draft of this before I film it. And no, I'm NOT looking forward to digging that hole. Lol
On a seperate note, I've had 3 different emails asking about this scripts availability. Since I'm planning to shoot this myself, I'm unsure how I should respond to these requests. Should I let multiple different filmmakers use this?
Liked this one. Pretty dark with a solid twist. Only nitpick is that last line and him spitting in the grave was maybe a bit too vicious. I mean, he murdered him so obviously he's capable of being that vicious. Just thought he might pull back a bit there and say something like "Guess you did help me in the end, Evan". Or some other little call-back to an earlier line. That's a very minor nitpick though and probably just personal preference.
Liked this one. Pretty dark with a solid twist. Only nitpick is that last line and him spitting in the grave was maybe a bit too vicious. I mean, he murdered him so obviously he's capable of being that vicious. Just thought he might pull back a bit there and say something like "Guess you did help me in the end, Evan". Or some other little call-back to an earlier line. That's a very minor nitpick though and probably just personal preference.
Good luck with the filming.
Thanks for the kind words, James.
I actually agree with on the final line not being very good. I need to think on that. Any more suggestions?
None that would be remotely good. Maybe the line is fine. Could always try out some different things on the day of the shoot. Let your actors improvise a bit, maybe they'll hit on something.
None that would be remotely good. Maybe the line is fine. Could always try out some different things on the day of the shoot. Let your actors improvise a bit, maybe they'll hit on something.
I'm sure something will come to me. Thanks again for reading, Dude.
On a seperate note, I've had 3 different emails asking about this scripts availability. Since I'm planning to shoot this myself, I'm unsure how I should respond to these requests. Should I let multiple different filmmakers use this?
Such a problem!
As I'm not experienced with that particular conundrum, I don't have much to offer in advice. But, my gut says tell 'em your plan and let 'em film if they want. If it comes out great, then scrap your plan to film and write another. If it doesn't meet your vision, film it yourself.
But, if they've got plans to take the short to festivals, they may not want anyone else filming the same script. I know I wouldn't.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Nice work here. Difficult to shoot outside in the dark, thought they did a nice job simulating the moonlight. Added some fog as well. Jake reminds me a bit of Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) a bit. He’s a good actor. He can really throw some hatred into his dialogue. You should be proud of this one. Nice to have on your resume.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Not only did the filmmaker not give me my credit...He fucking claimed he wrote it!? Why does this keep happening to me? Lol. And to this script in particular!?
I am outraged and angry on your behalf, Zack! Have you contacted him?
Zack, I upvoted your comment (you as the writer) on YouTube. Was going to add a whole lot more in the comments but I'm unsure if you want that, especially if you're already communicating with this guy.
Incidentally, the other film was a whole lot better.
Thanks for the support, Libby and Warren. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, but it still frustrats the hell out of me. Just reported the video to youtube and have requested to have it taken down.
In the meantime... Feel free to comment on his video and let him know that what he did is unacceptable.
Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response...
"Dear Zack,
I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free.
I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand.
Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from.
Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response...
"Dear Zack,
I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free.
I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand.
Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from.
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Pretty clear info, and in red.
It doesn't say, take what you want, and heck, while you're at it, put your name on it too.
I'll shut up now. This stuff and then feeble dishonest excuses rile me up.
Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response...
"Dear Zack,
I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free.
I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand.
Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from.
Thanks, "
This is getting weird.
Well, free use doesn't mean that you don't even do the courtesy of asking for permission.
I tried to report the video and get it taken down, but youtube denied me and claimed that they need more information before they can take action. I already provided them with the screenplay. Really not sure what else I can do?
Zack, it might seem like an obvious question, but did you link to the site here, the feedback given, the permissions required, and the previous film with your name attached?
I tried to report the video and get it taken down, but youtube denied me and claimed that they need more information before they can take action. I already provided them with the screenplay. Really not sure what else I can do?
Tell them it contains Covid conspiracy. They'll take it down.
Zack, it might seem like an obvious question, but did you link to the site here, the feedback given, the permissions required, and the previous film with your name attached?
- with your name attached - actually, your name as top billing on that one.
I didn't post a link to the discussion board(the links are always broken ), but I did send them a link to the other version of the short. Not sure what else I can do.
I've been trying to get the filmmaker to do the right thing and simply take the video down. Still waiting on a response...