SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 8th, 2019, 4:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Someplace Nice and Dark Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Someplace Nice and Dark  (currently 16125 views)
Don
Posted: July 5th, 2005, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13468
Posts Per Day
1.95
Someplace Nice and Dark by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - A young delivery boy calls on a strange old man harboring a shadowy secret. 9 pages - pdf, format




Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 10th, 2011, 6:42pm
revised script
Logged
Site Private Message
Mr.Z
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 8:40am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
790
Posts Per Day
0.15
I really liked this. I can see that you avoided giving camera directions, like in "The Farm", and that was good. It was a fast read.

Some little problems wich caught my attention:

"Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation."
Sounds nice, but cannot be recorded on camera.

"Pinto checks the windows.  They are all boarded up. Strange."
Don´t tell us what Pinto thinks, show us instead. Does he scratch his head? Does he say "What the hell..." to himself?

*SPOILERS AHEAD*
The highligtht of this script was the "man escaping from his shadow" idea. I really liked that and caught me by surprise, because my first thought was that the old man was a vampire. Maybe you could develop this into a lenght feature. Just a thought. Good luck.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 130
TC Taylor
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 9:04am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Abstract

Location
South Carolina
Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.03
Friggin' Sweet LOL  I've lived in a trailor park and there is always one old guy who lives alone in the dark, I'm freaked now!  Good thing we dont live in a trailor anymore LOL  House now.


MySpace:

http://www.myspace.com/spyderman_greywolf

WORKING ON:

Nothing....*sigh*
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 2 - 130
bert
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 9:33am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4518
Posts Per Day
0.85
Thanks for the first comments, guys.

Z:  This will never be a feature.  I have had (and loved) this idea for years, but it stubbornly refused to flesh itself out.  There was some backstory with gypsies and the idea of a curse that passed from person to person, but I always kept returning to this stripped down version, which I like best.

TC:  This trailer park was not a product of my imagination.  I know exactly where it is...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 130
TC Taylor
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 9:40am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Abstract

Location
South Carolina
Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.03
Bert you creep me out dude...keep these tales coming dude.  


MySpace:

http://www.myspace.com/spyderman_greywolf

WORKING ON:

Nothing....*sigh*
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 4 - 130
Martin
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 10:18am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Frankfurt, Germany
Posts
739
Posts Per Day
0.14
Wow, Bert. This is great. I think you've got just the right length here. No need to extend it.

I enjoyed The Farm but I think I like this even more. As Mr. Z mentioned, it's a quick read and much better without the camera direction.

"Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation."

I don't have a problem with this line, I think it would a give a director a good sense of how you want it to look and the mood you want to create.

You really have a way with words, the descriptions draw me right into the scene.

"Diaphanous tendrils of smoke curl themselves through the slivers of sunlight."

nice

I think you've got a really creepy short on your hands here. I honestly think you needn't change anything.

I look forward to reading more of your work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 130
dogglebe
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Bert, I thought this was a really good idea and you told it really well.  You kept the whole thing simple (which is always good).

Mr. Z's comments regarding direction are are true.  Describe things only as they can be shown on the screen.

I would flesh this out another page or two, adding a little bit about why the Old Man's shadow is out top get him.  Don't tell everything, just a hint more.  Perhaps he was the last person to speak to the one who gave it to him (which would explain why Pinto now has it).  You could also just have the two talk.  The Old Man must be lonely.

Once again, I liked it.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 130
George Willson
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.73
I finally read this one. Wow. Well done. Really freaky. If you ever get the Farm produced, this short could preceed it, like an old featurette. Or be a bonus on the DVD or something. I don't know if any more info is needed. The mystery is enough. Making it a feature would require big explanations and beating the monster. Shorts don't have such a requirement; just an "it's out there and can get you too."

Primo job.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 130
bert
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4518
Posts Per Day
0.85
Man, I am so glad you guys seem to enjoy this as much as I had hoped.  Thanks for taking a few moments to let me know.

I had never done a short and was a little anxious about putting one out there.

So, anyway, at the bottom of my desk is this small spiral notebook where I keep my horror ideas. Maybe I'll just rip out another page...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 130
Antemasque
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Regular


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
976
Posts Per Day
0.17
I saved this Bert and i will give it a read and a review tomorrow morning.

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 130
jcahill
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
Bert,
I really wish I could read this...is there a generic windows program that will open this?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 130
bert
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4518
Posts Per Day
0.85
Gee...I thought anybody could open a Word document.  That's why I blew off PDF.  It is an RTF file, but I ain't even sure what that means, really.

I am no computer whiz by any means, and swear I didn't do anything special to it. As far as I know, my computer is as generic as it gets


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 130
Oney.Mendoza
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Bay Area, CA
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Bert,

    I really liked this, pretty creepy and the pacing was perfect. Great follow-up to THE FARM, keep the good writing techniques! Good luck with any other projects.

-ONEY


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 130
Higgonaitor
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
1167
Posts Per Day
0.21
Wow, this was, so good, like, wow.  A few thoughts, the less important one first:  please don't use the word "kooky"  Pinto says: "thats kooky talk"  I wanted to reach into the amazingly detailed movie you painted in my mind and slap him.

and just forget the other thing I was gonna say.  Just get rid of the word Kooky.  ANd keep up the excelent work.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 13 - 130
TC Taylor
Posted: July 7th, 2005, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Abstract

Location
South Carolina
Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.03

Quoted from bert
Gee...I thought anybody could open a Word document.  That's why I blew off PDF.  It is an RTF file, but I ain't even sure what that means, really.

I am no computer whiz by any means, and swear I didn't do anything special to it. As far as I know, my computer is as generic as it gets


RTF- Rich Text Format


MySpace:

http://www.myspace.com/spyderman_greywolf

WORKING ON:

Nothing....*sigh*
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 14 - 130
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006