Someplace Nice and Dark by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - A young delivery boy calls on a strange old man harboring a shadowy secret. 9 pages - pdf, format

I really liked this. I can see that you avoided giving camera directions, like in "The Farm", and that was good. It was a fast read.

Some little problems wich caught my attention:

"Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation."
Sounds nice, but cannot be recorded on camera.

"Pinto checks the windows.  They are all boarded up. Strange."
Don´t tell us what Pinto thinks, show us instead. Does he scratch his head? Does he say "What the hell..." to himself?

*SPOILERS AHEAD*
The highligtht of this script was the "man escaping from his shadow" idea. I really liked that and caught me by surprise, because my first thought was that the old man was a vampire. Maybe you could develop this into a lenght feature. Just a thought. Good luck.

Friggin' Sweet LOL  I've lived in a trailor park and there is always one old guy who lives alone in the dark, I'm freaked now!  Good thing we dont live in a trailor anymore LOL  House now.

Thanks for the first comments, guys.

Z:  This will never be a feature.  I have had (and loved) this idea for years, but it stubbornly refused to flesh itself out.  There was some backstory with gypsies and the idea of a curse that passed from person to person, but I always kept returning to this stripped down version, which I like best.

TC:  This trailer park was not a product of my imagination.  I know exactly where it is...

Bert you creep me out dude...keep these tales coming dude.  

Wow, Bert. This is great. I think you've got just the right length here. No need to extend it.

I enjoyed The Farm but I think I like this even more. As Mr. Z mentioned, it's a quick read and much better without the camera direction.

"Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation."

I don't have a problem with this line, I think it would a give a director a good sense of how you want it to look and the mood you want to create.

You really have a way with words, the descriptions draw me right into the scene.

"Diaphanous tendrils of smoke curl themselves through the slivers of sunlight."

nice

I think you've got a really creepy short on your hands here. I honestly think you needn't change anything.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Bert, I thought this was a really good idea and you told it really well.  You kept the whole thing simple (which is always good).

Mr. Z's comments regarding direction are are true.  Describe things only as they can be shown on the screen.

I would flesh this out another page or two, adding a little bit about why the Old Man's shadow is out top get him.  Don't tell everything, just a hint more.  Perhaps he was the last person to speak to the one who gave it to him (which would explain why Pinto now has it).  You could also just have the two talk.  The Old Man must be lonely.

Once again, I liked it.


Phil

I finally read this one. Wow. Well done. Really freaky. If you ever get the Farm produced, this short could preceed it, like an old featurette. Or be a bonus on the DVD or something. I don't know if any more info is needed. The mystery is enough. Making it a feature would require big explanations and beating the monster. Shorts don't have such a requirement; just an "it's out there and can get you too."

Primo job.

Man, I am so glad you guys seem to enjoy this as much as I had hoped.  Thanks for taking a few moments to let me know.

I had never done a short and was a little anxious about putting one out there.

So, anyway, at the bottom of my desk is this small spiral notebook where I keep my horror ideas. Maybe I'll just rip out another page...

I saved this Bert and i will give it a read and a review tomorrow morning.

Andrew

Bert,
I really wish I could read this...is there a generic windows program that will open this?

Gee...I thought anybody could open a Word document.  That's why I blew off PDF.  It is an RTF file, but I ain't even sure what that means, really.

I am no computer whiz by any means, and swear I didn't do anything special to it. As far as I know, my computer is as generic as it gets

Bert,

    I really liked this, pretty creepy and the pacing was perfect. Great follow-up to THE FARM, keep the good writing techniques! Good luck with any other projects.

-ONEY

Wow, this was, so good, like, wow.  A few thoughts, the less important one first:  please don't use the word "kooky"  Pinto says: "thats kooky talk"  I wanted to reach into the amazingly detailed movie you painted in my mind and slap him.

and just forget the other thing I was gonna say.  Just get rid of the word Kooky.  ANd keep up the excelent work.

Quoted from bert Gee...I thought anybody could open a Word document.  That's why I blew off PDF.  It is an RTF file, but I ain't even sure what that means, really. I am no computer whiz by any means, and swear I didn't do anything special to it. As far as I know, my computer is as generic as it gets

RTF- Rich Text Format