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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Salvage Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Salvage by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - There must be hundreds of junked cars down at Donnie's Red Dog Auto Salvage. But then there was the midnight delivery of that wrecked convertible. That one was different. - pdf, format





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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  April 3rd, 2007, 11:21am
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Andy Petrou
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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WARNING!




spoilers ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!





Robert, what a fantastic read!! I thoroughly enjoyed this, apart from the fact I ate my lunch as I read it and it turned my stomach on more than one occasion... Let me just say how professional your writing is! Well done, hon. I loved Donnie, a great character there. Loved the dialogue too. The DRIVER in this script was so mysterious and menacing from the get go. Good job.

Now, what a great play on words, 'used parts' and all that. I don't want to give this away even with the spoiler warning. Your description is so well done, I could visualise everything with ease. There was definitely a few places where I was grimacing from the shock of the discovery in the convertible... What can I say, a short very well done, gruesome and original too!

I think you wrote the initial part of the telephone conversation well, but then I thought you had to intercut back when switching between Donnie to Kimber on more than one occasion? It seems as if you only do this once? I may be wrong here, but I am not an expert on how to write scenes on the phone, but thought I'd point that out to you just in case.

Loved the junkyard setting and overall found this to be quite a frightening piece altogether.  

Andy xxx
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Martin
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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I was looking forward to this one, Bert, and you didn't disappoint. An excellent short.

As usual, you descriptions are incredibly vivid and the dialogue is spot on.

SPOILERS BELOW



Very little to fault you on, but there were a couple of things I noticed:

Pg. 8. "Something is GROWLING in the truck" - I think you meant 'trunk' since we're talking about a convertible- this threw me off for a second.

Pg. 9. The sequence with the dog in the trunk is a little confusing. The dog is in the trunk, gnawing its way through the back seat. Then you describe it "chewing its way into the trunk". I couldn't picture it, was the dog in the trunk and chewing its way into the back seat?

Pg. 10. "the pulpy meat inside his skull throbs and writhes" Eeeeew! You're a sick man, Newcomer!

I was wondering if there was a reason behind all this or if it was just some random episode of horror. Your ending answered my questions perfectly- great pay-off. Loved your liberal use of gore. The driver a seriously creepy character.

I really enjoyed this Bert and you've creeped me out yet again. You have a wonderful way with words and a twisted imagination (that's a compliment... I think).

Great stuff! I'm looking forward to your next offering. Keep 'em coming!
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Mr.Z
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Good job Bert, as usual. I really liked this, specially the ending. There are some minor details I´d like to point out. I may be wrong with some of these observations, but maybe not. So, here they are, in case the could be useful to you.

"EXT. A LONELY STRETCH OF HIGHWAY"
As far as I know, descriptions in sluglines should be avoided. I wonder if it would be better to just write "EXT. HIGHWAY", and save all the descriptions for the action below.

Same happens with "INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK". You could just write "INT. POLICE STATION", and describe the cop in the action below.

"A few windshields have round, bulging cracks formed by forceful impact
with a human head"
If I watched this on screen instead of reading the script, I´m not sure if I would gather that the round cracks belong to forceful impact with human heads. Maybe a little of dry blood around the cracks would help to get the picture clearer.

"The driver himself wears a black trench coat, far too warm for the weather."
I doubt that "far too warm for the weather" could be shown on screen.

Same happens with "confortable in his uniform" (about the cop).

Well, despite this minor details, I think this was a great read. Good job, man. Looking forward to read more from you.









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bert
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey -- not only did I find my new stuff, but a few comments on it to boot!  Thanks guys; a great way to start labor day.

READ THIS MINOR SPOILER:  Something is growling in the TRUNK, not the truck...damn, one little typo can really screw stuff up.

(spoiler space)

This is the first time I just "went for it" with the gore.  I wasn't sure how it would play out, but I am relieved you guys liked it.  There seems to be an audience for that kind of thing around here, so I thought I would give it a try.  I was going for the feel of an old comic book.

Andy:  For phone calls, I am pretty sure you establish both locations, then a single "intercut", and the director decides what is on the screen from that point forward.  That is my understanding, anyway.

D.S.:  Thanks for catching the typo.  As for the dog, he is in the back seat, chewing his way through the back seat, and will end up in the trunk when he is done.

Z:  Thanks again for useful comments that I don't always agree with at first, but find myself reflecting on later nevertheless.  But with the windshields, that's a real-life detail, from somebody whose seen them.  Trust me on this one -- once seen, you would know exactly where these came from.





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Impulse
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Warning, don't eat a stack of pancakes before you read this ..


As for the story, it was really well written and very descriptive. I read it real fast, and it got me at the edge of my seat. Donnie was believable as a character. I don't care for gore, as it made me a little nausieous, but it was good story nontheless. The suspense was built in a nice amount of time, too. Success.

Revision History (1 edits)
Impulse  -  September 5th, 2005, 11:40am
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Bert,

Once again, here's another great read. I liked this a lot, it was entertaining and moved at a fast pace. The descriptions, especially of the woman, were graphic and called-for. Creepy ending too! Good job.

-ONEY


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Nixon
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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This script is legitimately terrifying, without an overabundance of gore. Some people thought this script was filled with gore, maybe I’ve just become “desensitized”.  Walking the line between what is truly horror, and what is just gratuitous gore is an art, and you accomplished the former in this script very well.

The characters were well written and very believable. “Don’t look so sad, baby. Donnie’s here for you.”

The descriptions were also excellent, especially the Donnie character. “His pale stomach pooches out from between his oil-splattered jeans and his way-too-tight Korn tour shirt.”

Overall, this was a great read, and left me with a creepy “feeling”.  I won’t be returning the junkyard anytime soon.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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greg
Posted: September 5th, 2005, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Gruesome fun!

As always, Bert, the way you write your descriptions make for an easier read and a bigger of understanding of the action that is taking place.  It's amazing how I can see what's going on in my mind just be the vivid detail that you give here.  The last few pages are sensational and I would love to see those on screen.  Very creepily effective and, of course, gruesome fun!


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bert
Posted: September 6th, 2005, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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A blanket thanks to Impulse, Oney, D.N., and Greg.  Thanks for understanding that feedback is what keeps us going, and for taking a few seconds to say you liked it.  You know I will return the favor as time permits.

[The remainder of this post has been modified, as it is no longer applicable]


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  January 11th, 2006, 6:11pm
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Scoob
Posted: September 6th, 2005, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this Bert and I think this is a great read.
The descriptions you give are so clear and I thouroughly enjoyed it.
I liked the Driver, he kind of reminded me of the villain from Jeepers Creepers ( the very early stages) and the way you described the events that followed were spot on.
This is a perfect short story in my opinion.
Great job!



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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 6th, 2005, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Bert,
This was a fun read.   I am in awe of your writing style. This script, like "The Farm" is extremely well written. Wow!
You caught me off guard a few times here.  I wasn't expecting things like that to happen. It was pretty freaky, but I couldn't stop reading. Things that I thought would happen didn't, and I had to find out.
Very, very cool, Bert.



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Balt
Posted: September 6th, 2005, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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BERT you should be proud of one thing... I didn't have acrobat downloaded before this script went up... I've been needing to DL it for some time to read a lot of R.E. FREAKS stuff, but just never found the time to do so... So without further a do... I DL'ed it tonight, cause everyone and their dog has been swinging from this script...

With that said...

This script is nothing short of cutting edge greatness. I loved it! It's the kind of script I'd find myself writing, had I not so many liberties to take with my own work.

I think your dialogue for the most part is spot on.
I think your descriptions are some of the best I've ever read. They flow very easy and very natural.
I think your characters, on the average, were very realistic too. This is a plus for anyone who wants to make screenplays/movies that people will want to read/watch and identify with.

I did, however, see a few spots where you didn't make 100% sense... "DONNIE TURNS AROUND AND PALES AT WHAT HE SEE's"  I don't get that particular line and there were a few others in there.

I loved the ending too... I like endings that "can" happen and sometimes  "do" happen. The not so happy and chipper ending always makes me smile.

Good ****ing read!!!

4.5 out of 5 --> easily the best script I've read since my return back.
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bert
Posted: September 7th, 2005, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Man, I am just sitting here with a big, goofy grin on my face.  Thanks a ton, guys.

Balt, I started using PDF because I got tired of my formatting getting jerked around by Word all the time.  You can sign up at Adobe for five free conversions, so you might want to give it a try.  Not sure what I'll do after I've used them up, tho...


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CurseScripts
Posted: September 12th, 2005, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Sadly, I can not read this. It's in PDF format! My laptopwon't install any Adobe Products.
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