I'm about 1/4 in. I like it a lot. A very quick read. Easy to understand and makes sense. Nothing really new in it so far, but still worth the read.

Brett, I got the kindle app for free for my iPad. I love my e-books! A lot of writers I like don't have real paper books.  

Quoted from kingcooky555 I know a lot of writers here are horror writers so might be good for some to check out today's script. I think today's script Dracula Year Zero is pretty good. Only up to page 34, but the writers' style is crisp and clean for a historical piece on dracula - doesn't get dragged down by the details. A good read imo.

I'm definitely a horror fan, but this script didn't work for me at all. I thought it was a chore to read and I quit after five pages.

I thought it felt like a first draft. Not because the writing was a problem, but because the story feels very mechanical and on the nose. Like the writers are just laying everything out.

Dracula himself feels very two dimensional. It's all too straightforward. He is the ideal noble, cares for his wife, son and people. If he has a flaw, it's that he cares too much for his family. He's a good man.

And then sh!t happens.

I think the Dracula character would be more interesting if he were a maelstrom of conflicting impulses, good and bad, when we meet him. The balance would be in favor of the nobler and kinder impulses at this point, but we know the balance can be tipped. That would make him a dimensional and compelling character especially since we know the future he faces and what he'll become.

And then sh!t happens!

note: Turkey was not called Turkey at that time, and the writers should know that. It was called the Ottoman Empire, which replaced the Byzantine when it was conquered by the Seljuk Turks. So yes, it was the Turks Dracula was fighting, but not Turkey. Just like there were Germans at the time, but no Germany.

I actually liked Dracula Year Zero, it was a fun read. The writing was some of the best I've ever seen, imaginative, I thought the writer did a great job with this.

For the first 40 pages or so though, it felt like the major plot points were forced into the story and I nearly quit reading because of that.

But I thought it was a good script regardless.

Went through the batch of amateur hopefuls this week.
Here's the notes I sent to Carson...

Scion:

Right off the bat the script hooks me with crisp pages.
I’m fearful of Overbearing Parents Syndrome (OPS) every three pages though.
Seems to be a staple of “repressed kid with amazing secret” story structure.

BUT the author gives us a twist that OPS dad is also “touched”.
That's in  addition to the chip on his shoulder.
And I bet that feeds into the mother’s mysterious death somehow...
If the author is on their game. A detail to be mined later.

Alas... dad gets an early flashy exit. No final words with his son before his passes on.
Bad call. No dramatic tension added to the tale by this act.
Why bother with dad at all then?
Stopping at page 20. First ten were a lot better than the next ten.

Back in Black:

Good concept.
But needs a personal push for the protag that’s missing from the storyline.
I want to know the personal stake as well as the main goal.
But still, good enough to warrant a look...

Thought about it for a minute...
Honestly, I think the concept would make a better script *IF*
The teacher thought he was equipped to handle the situation.
He’s a 21st century guy, slavery’s no match for this modern man. Right?

And... here’s the kicker...
He’s always thought playing “the black card” was a cop out!
Now’s *THAT’S* a PERSONAL FLAW you can hang the ENTIRE MOVIE on.
And yeah, I also think that “The Black Card” is a better title too.

Now the teacher needs to overcome flaw over slavery to save George Washington.
Hell yeah. To me, that plays way better as a broad comedy than the slavery hater.

I can see the prologue...
Set the scene in a bar...
Where the teacher berates his African Americans friends for playing the black card.
It's a crutch for when it suits them. I dig the personal duality.

Only, in the end to find genuine strength in racial pride will save the day in the past.
And it will help his modern day rocky girlfriend fall for our protag all over again.
Now, that’s a movie.

Pardon my idea-gasm. Back to the pages...

Got up to page ten before I lost interest.
The writing’s decent after the opener.
But the terrorist angle and tacked on jokes really hinder the concept.
We’re already in jokey gov’t agency deal with mission briefings by page eight? Meh.
That’s great for an action flick. Not so much for comedies.
If the author loses all the yuck-yuck attempts AND...
Establishes the protag in modern context with a relatable personal flaw...
I think this concept could spark interest.

Reverse the Curse:

The concept feels like half of an idea.
Much like “Back in Black”, this concept needs that PERSONAL FLAW.
A hook to sink the proverbial three pointer here.

What is it about this sportscaster that’s going to hook us into caring about him?
Has he lost his zeal for the sport? Has this translated into a lackluster personal life?
Does the curse threaten his job? What’s the personal motivator here?

Four pages in... the dialogue feels half baked at best.
There’s even FONT CHANGES within dialogue chains.
Hello author, edit much?
And there’s a dialogue call back that’s supposed to condemn the protag.
But it doesn’t make any sense. So, I’m already feeling lost on the page.

The father-in-law gets intro’d with a heaping helping of expositional dialogue...
“Is that my no good son-in-law?”
Ugh. Not getting a good vibe about this curse. I’m out.

The Plea:

Okay. I’m going to get this out of the way.
I’m from Boston, born and raised.
And right from the get go, I can tell this author don’t know squat about Boston.
Every cliche in the Southie book on display in the opening pages.

The inaccuracy of this geographically specialized tale is pretty graphic and generic.
That’s just not going to fly.
This unease is compounded by some gramatically choppy prose. Chunky read.

And the square-on-the-kisser dialogue is the final nail in the coffin for me.
This script is not wicked pisser. I’m out on page four.
Learn the neighborhood you’re writing about, author.

Forsaken Realms:

Okay, genre mash up. Found footage and fantasy.
I haven’t seen that before.
Potentially nifty. First impression...

The author doesn’t know how to demonstrate POV on the page.
That’s a real problem in a FOUND FOOTAGE tale.
Slugs and prose are confusing to me.
Is this Mazes and Monsters on Betamax?

The opening dialogue was hokey.
I assumed it was the tabletop game via fantasy sequence...
Only to cut to the kids actually sitting around a table.
Nope, the dialogue’s just that bad during the grisly demise of someone we don’t know.
The author doesn’t differentiate time periods on the page.
So... I don’t know who’s POV is going on or what time period we’re in.
Found footage scripts don’t need help being confusing on the page.
They can be a format conundrum even when done well.
But this one isn’t even close to a fluid read. Out at five pages.

Done. I finally bit the bullet and submitted a feature script for Amateur Friday.
And some shorts too.
So, I should do my part for other hopefuls here. Hope these notes help.

Anyone else look at these scripts?

Regards,
E.D.

I looked at a few and found similar problems.

The writing was often close to solid, but with a few issues that revealed the writer as not quite pro yet. I didn't send any reviews on these to Carson. I don't want to be the one to damage an amateur writer's chances at discovery. I don't want that responsibility and don't feel qualified.

I found the same POV issue in the found footage. The story did not engage me either. At all. And I read about 15 pages into it.

The Boston one was the closest to pro quality, but yes, needs the on the nose dialogue cleaned up. And the simplified stereotyping. Not that the stereotypes were way off, but that's risky. My guess is that this could be a good writer or writers in the making, though. I saw some talent in the work. Those early scripts are often more on the nose, that can be fixed..

I didn't open the Curse because THE curse was lifted in 2004. That curse was so famous that to give any other team the curse association is confusing. It's be like calling some team in the current NBA Showtime. That's the 80s Lakers and always will be.

I "found" the same issues with Forgotten Realms. It can't decide whether it should be found footage or not. Either shoot it found footage all the way through or don't do it at all.

Quoted from leitskev I looked at a few and found similar problems. The writing was often close to solid, but with a few issues that revealed the writer as not quite pro yet. I didn't send any reviews on these to Carson. I don't want to be the one to damage an amateur writer's chances at discovery. I don't want that responsibility and don't feel qualified.

I disagree with damaging someone's chances.
Quite the opposite for me.
If there's even just a concept in there that gets me excited, I want to write about it.
And I think that's what Carson is after in the end.
It also helps establish me on the blog, should I choose to submit.

As to your qualifications, Kevin...
If my script was a candidate, I'd want you to voice your opinion on it, regardless.
And that's not Simply Scripts solidarity talking.

You give better notes than a lot of what I see passing for development around town.
So, get in there and legitimize your presence on the blog with your insights!

Regards,
E.D.

I always give honest feedback on the pro scripts. If the feedback is negative, it doesn't hurt them. I just don't want to go negative on amateur scripts. That's part of the reason I don't do public reviews of members here anymore.

I've been writing for 2 years, and basically been only watching movies for less than a year. I didn't see too many before. So yeah, pretty unqualified. I call things how I see them, though, as everyone knows, so I don't want to hurt an amateur writer with my amateur remarks. So notes are sent privately.

If I find an amateur script I like, though, I'll talk it up to Carson. I usually get a good response from him on private notes, so if I found a good amateur script, it might help the writer a little. They're hard to find, though. Like impossibly hard. I really appreciate now how hard it is to write a really good script. My hat off to those folks that can.

I have read some of your critiques and I think you do an awesome job!

Thanks, Pia, I appreciate it. I can do no harm with private notes, so I'll stick with that.

Though you are kind of our house pro now, so if I see one of yours here, or on Scripshadow, you're fair game now! Watch out!

Quoted from leitskev Though you are kind of our house pro now, so if I see one of yours here, or on Scripshadow, you're fair game now! Watch out!

That's why I haven't sent you the sequel. I'm afraid.  

I would never send a script to Carson. I've already been told by a pro that I have some great ideas. I just can't write well.  

You write more than well enough, that won't be an issue. And one never knows what a reader is going to like, and Carson is just another reader when you boil it down.

But if a script by an unknown writer does not score an "impressive", the review is really just more script notes and won't help your career. It's pretty hard to write an impressive script.

And we have to master structure, despite what others here say. I'm not saying paint by the numbers. But a veteran reader can feel when a script is tightly structured and when it isn't. Carson doesn't usually talk much about structure, and he might not even think much about it, I don't know, but any script I've seen him rate as impressive was very tightly structured, IMO.

You can send the second draft any time! Those are private notes anyway. You can skip over my long winded theories and convoluted advice, and no one will ever know!

I almost sent one to Carson back before "I knew better"    

And Pia ....who cares about perfect writing IF YOU GOT THE STORY and you are king at telling a story imo.

I love reading the pro scripts but I do not feel qualified to even give a review on that site I stay in here where I belong

Anyone else look at these scripts?

Regards,
E.D.


For some reason I'm having a hard time finding em over there. Kev helped me put with 'Three hundred Years'. I'll have to sit down and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe one has to regester?

What one did you send in, or do you want to say?

HGW