Quoted from Hugh Hoyland For some reason I'm having a hard time finding em over there. Kev helped me put with 'Three hundred Years'. I'll have to sit down and figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe one has to regester? What one did you send in, or do you want to say? HGW

Have you joined the mailing list, Harley?

"Have you joined the mailing list, Harley?"


Hey CoopBazinga

No, Is there a sign up on the home page?

A Serial Killer's Apprentice


The first 10 of this amateur script are posted on the blog. Excellent work!

The concept intrigues, makes you want to read on. It reads faster than a forty yard dash. You open it and reach page ten in a blink, and you want more!

Best amateur first ten pages I've seen in a while. No idea whether the rest of the script will hold up, but it has the potential.

I actually loved that one ....thanks for pointing it out! I would love to read the rest of it!

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland "Have you joined the mailing list, Harley?" Hey CoopBazinga No, Is there a sign up on the home page?

Hugh,

Just send Carson an e-mail asking to be added to his mailing list.
Also enclose the reason why he should accept you. That's it.

There's also amaterur script posted in the blog today.
You don't even need to get on the mailing list to check out those amateur scripts!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev A Serial Killer's Apprentice The first 10 of this amateur script are posted on the blog. Excellent work! The concept intrigues, makes you want to read on. It reads faster than a forty yard dash. You open it and reach page ten in a blink, and you want more! Best amateur first ten pages I've seen in a while. No idea whether the rest of the script will hold up, but it has the potential.

That's quite an endorsement, so I cracked that one open too.

And I have the say... the pages flow great, save for some Pre-Lap/VO confusion.
The author has an eye for sparse but effective visual detail.

However, the narrative didn't grab me as well as the prose.
The was a line about "the moment that changed my life forever", yikes.
That was pretty amazingly clunky chunk of dialogue.

This feels like a stripped down and truncated re-imagining of "Mr. Brooks", so far.
That being said... I do want to know what happens at that meeting.

Regards,
E.D.

WOW! I just read SK Apprentice. I was happy to see both of you commenting on it. I feel like Jeff here!!    I commented after Brett!  

What did you think of it Pia?

"Serial killer stories always get my attention. I read the first 9 1/4 pages of SK Apprentice, but it did not intrigue me. Sorry to say.

Nice start with the bloody hands in the sink, but the rest failed to grab my attention. Ethan seemed like a nice enough guy, but Cooper was a big miss for me. He did not seem like a distinguished psychiatrist at all. Unprofessional to say the least. The scene with Connie rang false and was wasted space. I didn't see anything Cooper said to her that would make her see everything in a new light. Also, I never sensed anything ominous or mysterious or anything of that nature to make this a thriller or horror."

That's what I wrote.  

This actually brings up a question for me: should we assume the audience knows something of a film going into it, from the trailer or a synopsis?

I had read the log of this script, and this gave things meaning that otherwise would not have had any. I could see the set ups for the pay offs. But I would have read things very differently if I had not read the log. I wonder what we should assume an audience might know going into a film?

Maybe we should only assume the know the title. So Jaws is about a shark. Or some chick Jeff paid for last weekend.

Just read the first ten of serial killers apprentice and I have to agree with E.D. about the 'life changed forever' line. Ouch. The introduction of Cooper and the woman with all the (O.S.) dialogue when we're already in the room with them held this back. You know this is a fellow amateur script when you see stuff like that.  It's not a big deal for me, cos' I'm a nice guy, but the more scripts I read I can't help but wonder if little details like this are the difference between somebody passing the ten page test or not.  EDIT -- Thinking about it, I guess if the concept is superb, stuff like that only brings the red flag halfway up?
  
I would like to read more though, see where it goes up to say, 30 pages.

Just read through the first ten of Amateur Friday script, The Great War.
Oh, boy. Talk about your front loaded overstuffed openers.
Did anyone else have a tough time chugging through this one?

A snap shot alt reality 20th century Earth to start.
Fate of the world rests with a clueless little girl.
As her daddy gets nabbed by the Minority Report Bad Thought Police.
Right into World War I? Hmm.
I don't mind detailed highly choreographed action...
So long if it's some MAIN CHARACTERS going through the chaos.
Oh yeah, did I mention it's all about time travel too?
I was completely lost by page 15.

Same bloke that recommended "Rose in the Darkness" touted this one.
Oh, well. .500 is still a great batting average.
I have to admit the Black Hawks giving Hitler a missile enema was pretty sweet!

Regards,
E.D.

I only read the review. I have to admit the plot was intriguing. Starting in 2000 with flying cars was clever(though it reminded me of that Simpsons episode when they want back in time and Al Gore had been elected in 2000, so we all had flying cars within a few years).

Then reversing normal time game scenarios by having to SAVE Hitler was really smart, and I think the replacement dictator idea could be entertaining. I did wonder if this was all more appropriate for a novel. In any case, the review suggests there were many issues with the execution of the story, so I'm going to avoid dipping in.

From one of the comments it seems this story has been around and in process for years. Hopefully having so many people comment on it will help him get it where it needs.

Read the first 10 pages of Great War. It would have been better without the Flashback. The Dad could have rushed in with police after him. Then he tells daughter about time travel. Cops come in, kill Dad and girl escapes.

I think this would have been better. Could have avoided the flashback. Also, keeps the mystery going about the time travel. Flashback could have been inserted later in Act 2 where any flashback should be placed just to keep it flowing in Act 1.

Didn't bother with the rest after Carson's review.

I like reading the comments because it does help get insight on what readers are looking for, and what bothers them. It all has to be put in perspective, but when you see certain comments repeated a lot, it helps you look at your own work in a certain way.