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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  So Pretty - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    So Pretty - Filmed!  (currently 14866 views)
Don
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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So Pretty by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Horror - An avid fan of modern day vampires takes the late train home. 6 pages - pdf, format




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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 28th, 2012, 6:18pm
Filmed.  Added Vid
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JonnyBoy
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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James - this is really good.



SPOILERS


While it was pretty obvious how it was going to play out, I thought you executed it well. I liked the build-up, and I liked the sudden explosion of violence at the end. I didn't quite get Sean's "it's the best I can do" line - what was the best he could do? I do like the idea of a vampire who chooses victims based on their personal history - that's a good idea.

A few things:

- I caught one typo, an incorrect apostrophe in "its opening" on page 6. There may be more, but I didn't see them.

- You could tweak your action lines slightly just before Sean attacks to inject a bit more 'oomph' into those moments. Shorter sentences, more punchy words, stuff like that. It's good, but it could be better.

- Sean's final line should echo Lisa's exactly - if he says "pretty", so should she, or he should say "beautiful".

- I don't like her fainting; it's a weak ending, and if this is filmed it won't look right (especially since, from an acting standpoint, fainting is hard to do well). Have her still lying on the platform, looking back at him. He gives an INHUMANE SCREAM (there are a few moments in your action lines I would capitalise for effect, but that's a personal style thing) as the train pulls off, and then CUT TO BLACK instead of fading.

Other than that, good job! I'd like to see this filmed, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

[P.S. Did you use Final Draft on this? I really like the way the font you're using looks - it's somehow more weighty and substantial than what Celtx gives me on my PDFs. What are you using to get that appearance?]


Guess who's back? Back again?

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JonnyBoy  -  June 1st, 2010, 8:20pm
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screenrider
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is definitely worth a read.  Johnnyboy already covered the technical stuff, so I've got it easy by just saying good job on storytelling.  The dialogue was real.  
Not to mention vampires are a hot topic right now.  Unfortunately.  

You should enter this one in the Shriekfest Competition; Late Deadline July 10th.  
http://www.shriekfest.com/

Well done, James.
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jwent6688
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Huge thanks to Don for posting. Another huge thanks to Cameron(CAM17). I asked him to read this a bit ago. It was 17 pages at the time. All in a train. He made some awesome suggestions and I ran with them. He, of course, wanted no credit.



Quoted from JonnyBoy
While it was pretty obvious how it was going to play out, I thought you executed it well.



First, huge thanks on the positive review. I originally tried to dupe the audience, but changed after suggestions Cam read it. I knew that sean would be sniffed out immediately, so i concentrated on delivery.



Quoted from Jonny Boy
I didn't quite get Sean's "it's the best I can do" line - what was the best he could do?


That line may need some work. Hope to find out what other's think. It was about the fact that it's hard for him to kill people. So the best he can do is find the unsavory gems in our society.


Quoted from jonny Boy
Sean's final line should echo Lisa's exactly - if he says "pretty", so should she, or he should say "beautiful".


Gonna disagree here for now. I liked that he used some different dialogue to echo what she said. Again, I could be in the minority here.

I was definetly on the fence about her fainting. Just wanted a quick way to show how her world just got blown away.


Quoted from Jonny Boy
Other than that, good job! I'd like to see this filmed, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was.


Me too. Most of the time I just write for fun. This was an attempt to make something interesting for a low budget film maker.

I use Final Draft 7. It can create that grainy typewriter look. I love it. unfortunately it also creates a huge file. About 15 pages and you're over the 500 kb file limit to post here. That's why I host my own that are longer.

Glad you liked it, was alot of work....

James


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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Predictable.

The victim choosing was good.

Cat and mouse banter between Sean and Lisa would have spiced up the beginning.

Maybe have Lisa put on more of a Vampire persona, more spine and in Sean's face, so you'd have to wonder which one is the vampire...but at the same time you think neither of them are until that last second.
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jwent6688
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Screen. I'll be there to save the world uno momento. Just to piss Phil off some more. I think deep down he likes me.

Actually am thinking about entering this one. Wanted some feedback from some folks here first though. Thanks for the read.

James


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dogglebe
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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I had two problems with this script.  Like Cloroxmartini, I found this predictable.  You need to include a red herring or two.

I think the script can be tightened a little more.  See if you can take out a half page of chatter.

The dialog flowed nicely, though.  Felt very natural to me. Shriekfest might be a good place for this script.


Phil
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jwent6688
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Clorox, thanks for the read. i know it was predictable. It was more a poke at someone who thinks they know about something getting taught a lesson.

Phil, huge thanks for the read. You're gonna hate me even more cuz i just used 16 minutes as a setup for my addition to "save the world". - will delete. Just an homage. Actually thought I did well. we should collab. Lol.

I can't imagine how i could tighten this. Not that it can't be. It just may be a little beyond me. I needed to show how Lisa was pretentious. Had her unflailing view of what it was to be a vampire that Sean eventually crushes.

The original was 17 pages, had a ton of red herrings. i ditched them all, yet it was still predictable. Just to write a good straight forward story. All you guys here sniff out the twists immediatley. You'd have got it from the logline IMO.

Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.

James


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mcornetto
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688


Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.



Now you've done it! Phil's ego is going to explode again and I'm not going to be the one to clean it up.

As far as the script goes well I hate to tell you this but...

I liked it.

You did a great job with the dialogue, very fluid and believable.   The one exception would be the very last line.

However,

I would have to agree with everyone that it was way too predictable. You need to do something to throw us off track. Maybe increase the part of the other people in the carriage - maybe have us believe one of them is the vampire, make them a bit more menacing and involved.  Just an off the top of my head suggestion.

Also, I really didn't like the last line.  I didn't feel enough of a build up toward him saying it so it left me feeling disappointed.  Rather than getting rid of it I would suggest you improve the story by doing a better job of building toward that moment.

Hope that helps,

Michael


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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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jwent...

Just returning the read.

Don't have too much to say about this one... Vampires and Zombies... all people want to write about... fair enough.  Yes, it was predictable but I didn't mind, I liked this one and the way it ended.  Surprising too, because I expected to hate it.

Can't fault you're writing or dialogue really, so my hats off to you.  I thought you did a great job with this one.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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tonkatough
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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I love it! really enjoyed this story. who cares if it is predictable. So what it if is glaringly obvious if one of them is a vampire. What makes this script so wonderful is the difference of opinion of what a true vampire should be- Twilight or old school vampires. You nailed that perfectly and it was a hoot to read.  

The 12 year old foster girl I care for is a hard core Twighlight fanatic who thinks vampires are way cool cause they look beautiful when the sunlight catches their glitter skin. One of my best mates who is 38 and an old school vampire freak who argues with my girl over what a vampire is suppose to be: an evil souless killing machine. He even went as far as proving his point by dumping his entire Buffy DVD collection onto my girl who watches it every chance she gets. But to the dismay of my mate, she still stubbornly sticks to her glitter vamps as the true vampires.

Your script captured perfectly this on going battle of the vampires over different generations.    


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dogglebe
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.



Quoted from mcornetto
Now you've done it! Phil's ego is going to explode again and I'm not going to be the one to clean it up.


I'm gonna put what James said on a coffee cup...


Phil

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dogglebe
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
The 12 year old foster girl I care for is a hard core Twighlight fanatic who thinks vampires are way cool cause they look beautiful when the sunlight catches their glitter skin. One of my best mates who is 38 and an old school vampire freak who argues with my girl over what a vampire is suppose to be: an evil souless killing machine. He even went as far as proving his point by dumping his entire Buffy DVD collection onto my girl who watches it every chance she gets. But to the dismay of my mate, she still stubbornly sticks to her glitter vamps as the true vampires.


Unfortunately, BtVS is guilty of the same thing.  Angel and Spike are dark romantic figures and Drusilla is a hot little undead mama.


Phil
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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- "Sean ,30's, is the best looking" I see that this paragraph goes on for 4 lines by one word, so if you take out the "is" in the first sentence, it will shorten it to 3.

- "God" should be capitalized.

Wow, amazing script! I really enjoyed that!

My only problem, I think you should have kept it subtle like you had it throughout the beginning. I loved how you didn't show Sean kill the man. Very nice. Maybe the director would have shown a blurry view through the reflection of the doors. But anyway, Sean calling her name and placing his face on the glass just seemed like too much.

You should have had Lisa pick up her belongings, then hesitate to turn around. The doors will close, and just as the train is pulling away, Lisa will turn around and watch Sean standing over the man, blood smeared all over his mouth. Sean will also be staring back with his mouth sort of gaped open, breathing heavily. That would have told us with no words "Do you think it's pretty now?"

I think that would have been a classic ending.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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jwent6688
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
You did a great job with the dialogue, very fluid and believable.   The one exception would be the very last line.


Thanks for reading this Michael, You're not the first person to point out th last line. One person I may ignore, but starting to see a galring problem. I will address that in a Re-write. Thinking of her saying that the vamps are so pretty when they glitter in the sun.


Quoted from mcornetto
I would have to agree with everyone that it was way too predictable. You need to do something to throw us off track. Maybe increase the part of the other people in the carriage - maybe have us believe one of them is the vampire, make them a bit more menacing and involved.  Just an off the top of my head suggestion.


The original was 17 pages. The train started full and slowly emptied en route. Lisa gets of then realizes because of what transpired, he was a vamp. Cam sniffed it from the get go. Problem is it's just wo people with different ideas about vampires talking on a late night train. I think everyone who reads it knows one of them has a secret.

Trust me, been mauling it over. All that would really happen would lengthen the script and still have people saying "I knew it".

As I said, gonna work on building up to that last line.

SERIOUS QUESTION: This posted over a circalit first. Some guy read it and bashed it cuz her didn't like my review of his script. he said "Good luck getting the rights to use Twilight if you ever make this into a short film". Hmm, did potentially over step legal boundaries here? Anyone?

Thanks for the read Michael..

James




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