So Pretty by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Horror - An avid fan of modern day vampires takes the late train home. 6 pages - pdf, format

James - this is really good.



SPOILERS


While it was pretty obvious how it was going to play out, I thought you executed it well. I liked the build-up, and I liked the sudden explosion of violence at the end. I didn't quite get Sean's "it's the best I can do" line - what was the best he could do? I do like the idea of a vampire who chooses victims based on their personal history - that's a good idea.

A few things:

- I caught one typo, an incorrect apostrophe in "its opening" on page 6. There may be more, but I didn't see them.

- You could tweak your action lines slightly just before Sean attacks to inject a bit more 'oomph' into those moments. Shorter sentences, more punchy words, stuff like that. It's good, but it could be better.

- Sean's final line should echo Lisa's exactly - if he says "pretty", so should she, or he should say "beautiful".

- I don't like her fainting; it's a weak ending, and if this is filmed it won't look right (especially since, from an acting standpoint, fainting is hard to do well). Have her still lying on the platform, looking back at him. He gives an INHUMANE SCREAM (there are a few moments in your action lines I would capitalise for effect, but that's a personal style thing) as the train pulls off, and then CUT TO BLACK instead of fading.

Other than that, good job! I'd like to see this filmed, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

[P.S. Did you use Final Draft on this? I really like the way the font you're using looks - it's somehow more weighty and substantial than what Celtx gives me on my PDFs. What are you using to get that appearance?]

This is definitely worth a read.  Johnnyboy already covered the technical stuff, so I've got it easy by just saying good job on storytelling.  The dialogue was real.  
Not to mention vampires are a hot topic right now.  Unfortunately.  

You should enter this one in the Shriekfest Competition; Late Deadline July 10th.  
http://www.shriekfest.com/

Well done, James.

Huge thanks to Don for posting. Another huge thanks to Cameron(CAM17). I asked him to read this a bit ago. It was 17 pages at the time. All in a train. He made some awesome suggestions and I ran with them. He, of course, wanted no credit.

Quoted from JonnyBoy While it was pretty obvious how it was going to play out, I thought you executed it well.

First, huge thanks on the positive review. I originally tried to dupe the audience, but changed after suggestions Cam read it. I knew that sean would be sniffed out immediately, so i concentrated on delivery.

Quoted from Jonny Boy I didn't quite get Sean's "it's the best I can do" line - what was the best he could do?

That line may need some work. Hope to find out what other's think. It was about the fact that it's hard for him to kill people. So the best he can do is find the unsavory gems in our society.

Quoted from jonny Boy Sean's final line should echo Lisa's exactly - if he says "pretty", so should she, or he should say "beautiful".

Gonna disagree here for now. I liked that he used some different dialogue to echo what she said. Again, I could be in the minority here.

I was definetly on the fence about her fainting. Just wanted a quick way to show how her world just got blown away.

Quoted from Jonny Boy Other than that, good job! I'd like to see this filmed, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

Me too. Most of the time I just write for fun. This was an attempt to make something interesting for a low budget film maker.

I use Final Draft 7. It can create that grainy typewriter look. I love it. unfortunately it also creates a huge file. About 15 pages and you're over the 500 kb file limit to post here. That's why I host my own that are longer.

Glad you liked it, was alot of work....

James

Predictable.

The victim choosing was good.

Cat and mouse banter between Sean and Lisa would have spiced up the beginning.

Maybe have Lisa put on more of a Vampire persona, more spine and in Sean's face, so you'd have to wonder which one is the vampire...but at the same time you think neither of them are until that last second.

Thanks for the read Screen. I'll be there to save the world uno momento. Just to piss Phil off some more. I think deep down he likes me.

Actually am thinking about entering this one. Wanted some feedback from some folks here first though. Thanks for the read.

James

I had two problems with this script.  Like Cloroxmartini, I found this predictable.  You need to include a red herring or two.

I think the script can be tightened a little more.  See if you can take out a half page of chatter.

The dialog flowed nicely, though.  Felt very natural to me. Shriekfest might be a good place for this script.


Phil

Clorox, thanks for the read. i know it was predictable. It was more a poke at someone who thinks they know about something getting taught a lesson.

Phil, huge thanks for the read. You're gonna hate me even more cuz i just used 16 minutes as a setup for my addition to "save the world". - will delete. Just an homage. Actually thought I did well. we should collab. Lol.

I can't imagine how i could tighten this. Not that it can't be. It just may be a little beyond me. I needed to show how Lisa was pretentious. Had her unflailing view of what it was to be a vampire that Sean eventually crushes.

The original was 17 pages, had a ton of red herrings. i ditched them all, yet it was still predictable. Just to write a good straight forward story. All you guys here sniff out the twists immediatley. You'd have got it from the logline IMO.

Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.

Now you've done it! Phil's ego is going to explode again and I'm not going to be the one to clean it up.

As far as the script goes well I hate to tell you this but...

I liked it.

You did a great job with the dialogue, very fluid and believable.   The one exception would be the very last line.

However,

I would have to agree with everyone that it was way too predictable. You need to do something to throw us off track. Maybe increase the part of the other people in the carriage - maybe have us believe one of them is the vampire, make them a bit more menacing and involved.  Just an off the top of my head suggestion.

Also, I really didn't like the last line.  I didn't feel enough of a build up toward him saying it so it left me feeling disappointed.  Rather than getting rid of it I would suggest you improve the story by doing a better job of building toward that moment.

Hope that helps,

Michael

jwent...

Just returning the read.

Don't have too much to say about this one... Vampires and Zombies... all people want to write about... fair enough.  Yes, it was predictable but I didn't mind, I liked this one and the way it ended.  Surprising too, because I expected to hate it.

Can't fault you're writing or dialogue really, so my hats off to you.  I thought you did a great job with this one.

Ghostwriter

I love it! really enjoyed this story. who cares if it is predictable. So what it if is glaringly obvious if one of them is a vampire. What makes this script so wonderful is the difference of opinion of what a true vampire should be- Twilight or old school vampires. You nailed that perfectly and it was a hoot to read.  

The 12 year old foster girl I care for is a hard core Twighlight fanatic who thinks vampires are way cool cause they look beautiful when the sunlight catches their glitter skin. One of my best mates who is 38 and an old school vampire freak who argues with my girl over what a vampire is suppose to be: an evil souless killing machine. He even went as far as proving his point by dumping his entire Buffy DVD collection onto my girl who watches it every chance she gets. But to the dismay of my mate, she still stubbornly sticks to her glitter vamps as the true vampires.

Your script captured perfectly this on going battle of the vampires over different generations.    

Quoted from jwent6688 Huge thanks for the feedback. You're probably the most respected writer on these boards, your input is gratefully received.

Quoted from mcornetto Now you've done it! Phil's ego is going to explode again and I'm not going to be the one to clean it up.

I'm gonna put what James said on a coffee cup...


Phil

Quoted from tonkatough The 12 year old foster girl I care for is a hard core Twighlight fanatic who thinks vampires are way cool cause they look beautiful when the sunlight catches their glitter skin. One of my best mates who is 38 and an old school vampire freak who argues with my girl over what a vampire is suppose to be: an evil souless killing machine. He even went as far as proving his point by dumping his entire Buffy DVD collection onto my girl who watches it every chance she gets. But to the dismay of my mate, she still stubbornly sticks to her glitter vamps as the true vampires.

Unfortunately, BtVS is guilty of the same thing.  Angel and Spike are dark romantic figures and Drusilla is a hot little undead mama.


Phil

- "Sean ,30's, is the best looking" I see that this paragraph goes on for 4 lines by one word, so if you take out the "is" in the first sentence, it will shorten it to 3.

- "God" should be capitalized.

Wow, amazing script! I really enjoyed that!

My only problem, I think you should have kept it subtle like you had it throughout the beginning. I loved how you didn't show Sean kill the man. Very nice. Maybe the director would have shown a blurry view through the reflection of the doors. But anyway, Sean calling her name and placing his face on the glass just seemed like too much.

You should have had Lisa pick up her belongings, then hesitate to turn around. The doors will close, and just as the train is pulling away, Lisa will turn around and watch Sean standing over the man, blood smeared all over his mouth. Sean will also be staring back with his mouth sort of gaped open, breathing heavily. That would have told us with no words "Do you think it's pretty now?"

I think that would have been a classic ending.

Quoted from mcornetto You did a great job with the dialogue, very fluid and believable.   The one exception would be the very last line.

Thanks for reading this Michael, You're not the first person to point out th last line. One person I may ignore, but starting to see a galring problem. I will address that in a Re-write. Thinking of her saying that the vamps are so pretty when they glitter in the sun.

Quoted from mcornetto I would have to agree with everyone that it was way too predictable. You need to do something to throw us off track. Maybe increase the part of the other people in the carriage - maybe have us believe one of them is the vampire, make them a bit more menacing and involved.  Just an off the top of my head suggestion.

The original was 17 pages. The train started full and slowly emptied en route. Lisa gets of then realizes because of what transpired, he was a vamp. Cam sniffed it from the get go. Problem is it's just wo people with different ideas about vampires talking on a late night train. I think everyone who reads it knows one of them has a secret.

Trust me, been mauling it over. All that would really happen would lengthen the script and still have people saying "I knew it".

As I said, gonna work on building up to that last line.

SERIOUS QUESTION: This posted over a circalit first. Some guy read it and bashed it cuz her didn't like my review of his script. he said "Good luck getting the rights to use Twilight if you ever make this into a short film". Hmm, did potentially over step legal boundaries here? Anyone?

Thanks for the read Michael..

James

Ghostwriter, thanks for checking it out. I know you're a slasher fan, so the fact that you liked a story about vamps is a compliment IMO. Let me know if you ever want me to read anything of yours.


Tonka, thanks for reading. I checked out "Liverpoo Bully" last night and left a review. Glad it doesn't bother you that it's a bit predictable. It's probably going to stay that way. It's funny, that argument was exactly the kind i was trying to put an end to once and for all.

Thanks, James

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - "Sean ,30's, is the best looking" I see that this paragraph goes on for 4 lines by one word, so if you take out the "is" in the first sentence, it will shorten it to 3.

Good point, Thanks

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau My only problem, I think you should have kept it subtle like you had it throughout the beginning.

Actually this had an alternate ending at first. Simply though dialogue, she believes he's a vampire. She runs off the train. He opens a copy of Dracula, starts reading, and takes a bite of a candy bar. Basically just mind fucked her. i ditched it cuz, violence sells in horror scripts.

The ending needs tightening up. Thats my job next coupla days. Thanks for the read. Let me know if i can return the favor sometime

James

This was a good, fast read.  I like how you didn't skimp on the blood at the end.  As others have already said, yes, it is predictable.  From the moment Lisa sits down, you know Sean is a vampire and the only question is who he's gonna kill.

I agree with jonny that the "it's the best I can do line" is oddly out of place.  I see what you were going for with it, but it doesn't fit with the tone of the script at that time.  This vampire is beyond being apologetic or having to explain himself at this time.  It's murderin' time.  I think it would be cool if Sean's appearance or the way he speaks changes slightly in anticipation of the kill.  You know, like an animal tensing up before it strikes.  Maybe his voice deepens or his skin reddens a bit.  Personally, I've never liked the whole Vampire not casting a reflection idea.  Never made much sense to me.  

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to have her faint.  If this is filmed, you want a great reaction shot of her horror and disbelief at what she is seeing.

And, instead of Sean SCREAMS, maybe Sean ROARS.  It just read odd to me when I read "screams."  In a way, it would also make sense if Sean laughs wildly at Lisa, seeing as he's destroyed her perceptions of vampires.

Overall, good stuff.  Fast and nasty.  Needs to be tweaked here and there, but I could see this one being filmed.

Quoted from Ryan1 From the moment Lisa sits down, you know Sean is a vampire and the only question is who he's gonna kill.

I was shooting for Sean to rock her world with one line of dialogue. "He's also a pedophile."

Quoted from Ryan1 I agree with jonny that the "it's the best I can do line" is oddly out of place.  I see what you were going for with it, but it doesn't fit with the tone of the script at that time.

Beginning to agree. Needs fixed. Thinking more along the lines of... "Because that's how I make my decisions. I have to live with it."

Quoted from Ryan1 Personally, I've never liked the whole Vampire not casting a reflection idea.  Never made much sense to me.

It doesn't, but i'm trying to stay with old school vampire beliefs here. Garlic? Even more ridiculous IMO.

Quoted from Ryan1 Also, I don't think it's a good idea to have her faint.  If this is filmed, you want a great reaction shot of her horror and disbelief at what she is seeing.

Again, think Jonny was onto something there. Probably gonna get the ax. As far as him getting ready to feed, shakes? I pictured Sean as a very self controlled Vampire. I believed he was follwing Edgar to kill him some place more isolated. But, just to show Lisa, he kills him on the train.

Thanks for the read and input. This script will get better because of it.

James

I liked this a lot. It was fun to guess which of the two is the vampire. The visual at the end is truly horrific (and I do mean this in a good way), made me shudder. Liked the line "not so pretty now".

Reads very well.

My only gripe - it feels like the beginning of a feature. Probably just me.

Hey James, I liked this. Well done.

You can really describe the characters clearly. I can picture them in my head right away. The dialogue is intriguing as well. It flows nicely, never feel forced that Lisa would talk to Sean on the train.

The only thing that bugs me is that it seems like vampires know all their victims. Sean couldn't possibly predict these four people will be on the same train at the same time, yet he knows all of them pretty well.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. Good ending as well.

Khamanna, Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it, especially the ending.

James

Quoted from Coding Herman The only thing that bugs me is that it seems like vampires know all their victims. Sean couldn't possibly predict these four people will be on the same train at the same time, yet he knows all of them pretty well.

Coding, thanks for the read, glad you liked it. Sean really only knew who the old man was. In my mind he was following him, waiting for the right time to make his kill. He made up stuff about the other people to show Lisa how difficult it is to make the decision of who to kill. Can't just do it based on looks alone. As he said, "it will get to you."

Then he decides to kill him right on that train, in front of her. To shatter her pretty beliefs of being a vampire. Glad you liked the ending.

James

Jwent, go ahead and return the favor if you like! Read "Edge of Life" if you can. It should be under "shorts" it's only 7 pages. I really want peoples input on that. Thanks man.

James,

I know you want to enter this to a comp so these comments are meant to help you with that.

try to get rid of the word and.  For example page 1. You'll get rid of that orphan if you delete the word and in Sean's attire description.

Ditto that for the next paragraph as well. The word and should be avoided whenever possible…Throughout the script.

Pg 1, you can delete "she" in the paragraph where she catches Sean staring at her. You don't have to say "she", we already know it's her…

She really wouldn't know Bram? Okay, but that seems weird to me.

pg 4, sleeveless vest. No sleeves pretty much describes a vest.

Ok, those were some technical things I wanted to point out.

As far as the story goes, I liked it. Thought you did a great job. My only gripe and suggestion would be, why not have the pedophile be a woman? Those do exist and would add something different to this story.

Hope this helps. Any q's, just fire away. I might be better tomorrow…  

Pia, thanks for reading. Yes, I'm going to enter this in my first comp after a rewrite. That's why I appreciate the technical feedback. My writing always lets my story down a bit.

Quoted from Grandma Bear She really wouldn't know Bram? Okay, but that seems weird to me.ure

I'm sure theres some modern day vamp fans that don't know his name. Sad. I may be over shooting here, but was really trying to make Lisa a character who has much to learn about the genre.

Quoted from Me My only gripe and suggestion would be, why not have the pedophile be a woman? Those do exist and would add something different to this story.

Quite true. I'll work with that in my head a bit. I just need the character that Sean is following to be the least likely of Lisa's choices once they start to play the game. Sets up the violent ending.

My only question would be that I'm still having trouble grasping what an "orphan" is. Seen that tossed around alot of late. I'll lose "and' where you've suggested.

Thanks, if i can ever return the favor... Meh, Anything with your name on it will always get a read from me.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 My only question would be that I'm still having trouble grasping what an "orphan" is. Seen that tossed around alot of late. I'll lose "and' where you've suggested.

An orphan is a word that is on a line by itself.   They take up more space than they need to, so it is advisable to try and find them a more complete line to sit on.   Usually you can do this by removing a word or something like that in the sentence above them.

Code There is not much that is worse than a lonely orphan. Becomes... There isn't much worse than a lonely orphan.

Get it?

Gotcha. Thanks Michael

Nice work, James. Nice way to teach those Twilight fangirls what's a real vampire.  

Very enjoyable read.

The only "problem" I had is that I knew early on where this was going. And it went exactly there.

Still, this is great work.

Matias, ahh.. The one everybody hates. Cuz your so damn good. Lol.

Thanks for reading. Predictable? How dare you.

That's actually what everyone else is saying. It was much longer before. Tried to throw in some red herrings and a twist in the old draft. Was still predictable. Just longer.

Just two talking heads on a late night train. Pretty obvious one of them's a vamp. So I blazed through it. Just wanted a tight story with an evil ending. You knew what was going to happen, but i hope you enjoyed the lesson that was taught. Most fans of horror despise the injustice inflicted upon vampires that is "Twilight"

Twas the point of this.

James

James,

I really liked this! Just when you think there couldn't be another way to approach the subject of vamps, I think you actually discovered one.

Agree that the dialogue here is very good. Also the characters were well-drawn. And I kinda dug Lisa, so I know you did a good job creating her... (0:

Was it the "P" word? Yes and no. Yes, in that Sean ended up being what we thought. No in that I thought Lisa could possibly be one and that would be the twist you'd throw at us. Enough of a red herring to keep me focused on the story.

Which is the most important thing, isn't it? It's allegorical in a way. Everyone romanticizes violence, until they're confronted with it. We see it in society every day, and we see it in our art - from "Twilight" to "The Sopranos". So well done there.

This reminded me, and you're gonna think I'm weird, of the Star Trek episode where the wars are fought by computers, and people voluntarily step into killing chambers once their region has been targeted for destruction. Violence without the pain and depravity is easily palatable. And I think that's what you were going for here.

Nice job - Anthony

Quoted from ajr This reminded me, and you're gonna think I'm weird, of the Star Trek episode where the wars are fought by computers, and people voluntarily step into killing chambers once their region has been targeted for destruction. Violence without the pain and depravity is easily palatable.

Wow, you are weird. Lol. Thanks for the positive review AJ.  Not a trekky so i can't identify, but sounds interesting. That's exactly what I was shooting for. Your review has summed it up best yet.

I've already sent a rewrite of this to Shriekfest for the micro comp. Thanks huge to those who've helped.

I'll let you guys know if I here anything. Thanks huge. I'll post a link to the re-write as soon as I figure out my hosting site. REN! HELP! You drunk twat.

James

I thought this was mostly very well done. Further, I have some suggestions
to intensify this although, you might not want to go this far to the edge.

Correct on

Page 4 to

Together, they study him.

Rather than,

Sean studies him with her.

>Lisa purses her lips. Sean nods to the passengers again. She takes them in.

I think this might be an example of over writing every move for your actors. Rather, I think you need to capture this with external actions in a more internal way.

I'm imagining Lisa playing hard to get a bit and that perhaps there were some flirtations going on between she and Sean. I imagined:

**Lisa thumbs the novel, feigning absence. Sean knocks her flicking fingers.  

-Just something to consider. How you can extract more out of this.

>He actually does have three kids and a loving wife.

I don't know how the word "does" here represents itself.
Sounds wrong.

I think you'd be better to start off with more of a bang to punch up his words like:

SEAN
That krank has three kids and a loving wife... (make him sound almost sincere) Then...

SEAN
...and if that's not enough,  some neighborhood kids to tender...

She squints with her black mascara eyes. He for real?

SEAN
'til they're good and done...
Kids to fuck with. Kids to fuck...

Lisa falls naked into innocence, her eyes fearful.

Lisa
What did you just say?

Sean has her on a virtual leash. Her head thrusts toward him.

SEAN
What? Twilight never teach you that?

He smirks.

SEAN
Twilight must have Santa Clause too.

** I think you've got some excellent material here, and I'd like to see you draw it out more.

Strong work here. Congratulations!

Sandra

Quoted from Ryan1 And, instead of Sean SCREAMS, maybe Sean ROARS.  It just read odd to me when I read "screams."  In a way, it would also make sense if Sean laughs wildly at Lisa, seeing as he's destroyed her perceptions of vampires.

You know what? I've often had problems with "the male" identification for the word, "scream".

I can't figure it no how-no-way and "roars" is usually no good substitute. I don't know why I have such a problem with this, but probably because I just have never heard a man scream in my entire life.

I've grown up in a mostly male household and these guys were "real men"!!! In every sense of the word. They might have cursed and hollered, but they sure as hell never screamed. That's probably why I just can't figure it.

It's really strange, but I guess that screaming is mostly female territory.

Sandra

Hey James.

I read this a while ago, but my email has been bu****ed for a while so I couldn't comment.

I found the read excellent! No way am I a vampire fan, but this was a lot more than I expected.

I guess all the technical stuff has been covered by others a lot more experienced than me, but I did wonder whether Lisa stating she thought Bram Stoker's Dracula "sucked" was an intended pun. Whatever, it did put a smile on my face.

Nice work mate. Kudos!

Chelsea (Emcee)

Sandra, thanks for checking this out. Expecially in regards to some of your technical feedback. I agree, some things here could be written better.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. \>Lisa purses her lips. Sean nods to the passengers again. She takes them in. I think this might be an example of over writing every move for your actors. Rather, I think you need to capture this with external actions in a more internal way.

I basically did this to have them doing something in the script. Trying to avoid it becoming just two talking heads, which it really is.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. >He actually does have three kids and a loving wife. I don't know how the word "does" here represents itself. Sounds wrong.

Have to disagree there. He also said that about the large man first. He made that up. When he talks about the old man, whom he is following, he knows about his life.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. She squints with her black mascara eyes. He for real?

That's a bit "not my style". I like to avoid the unfilmable argument. I write pretty black and white. Some people like to do it. I'm fine with it. Just not for me.

Again thanks for the read. I sent this out after revision for a competition. I probably won't visit it again lest there's some interest in it. Time to write a feature. Thanks again. If I do rewrite it, I'll have your suggestions in mind.

James


Emcee, Chelsea, Martin... Thanks for reading, glad you liked. Actually wasn't going for anything with the "It sucked" line. Just felt right. Funny now that you point it out.

James

That's a bit "not my style". I like to avoid the unfilmable argument. I write pretty black and white. Some people like to do it. I'm fine with it. Just not for me.

**And that's damn good!!!

The more I read, the more I notice "something" in the words. They don't have to be so called "brilliant" words, they only need to be sincere.

Most important is to write "real". What is "real"? That's always different, but readers know when you're lying and when you're telling the truth.

Thanks for YOUR STYLE!!!

Sandra

Looks like I'm a bit late, huh, James?  Sorry, bud.  There's alot I wanted to say, technically, but it looks like you've already sent this baby on its way...so best of luck with it.

I actually liked the story, but did not like the script that much.  The writing is definitely not great, sorry to say.  Lots of awkward lines, orphans, "ands", and some other things as well.  It would read so much better with a solid edit.

IMO, it needs 2 things (but keep in mind that I did enjoy it as it is)...

1)  A couple more pages would have helped make it less obvious who's who.

2)  I didn't think the ending was nearly violent enough to make up for 6 pages of 2 talking heads.  I personally would have upped the ante here and would have gone balls out.

Good effort here for sure, bud!  Keep it up.

Jeff,

I can't believe you didn't find this one earlier. I should've PM'd ya, But I thought for sure you would get to it. Much of the technical stuff has been fixed in a rewrite. Ands and orphans gone.

I did change a few lines, but not many.

I'll save your thorough review for my feature. Whenever i get it done. But it is horror at least.

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

James

Ha, I thought this was terrific.  A welcome change of pace from all this Twilight nonsense.

Great opening.  Very descriptive and one immediately gets the mood of the piece.  Also, as a Native New Yorker, I hate to admit it, but I’ve always loved movies set in Chitown for some reason.  There is a certain feel to it that is just different than movies set in NYC.  

I really liked the Bram Stoker line.  Seemed to suggest that perhaps Sean had known Stoker personally (i.e. he had been around for  along time).

P. 3 – Line where Lisa says “they are so beautiful…” didn’t exactly work for me.  I know the point is that she is naïve about vampires, but at the same time this line seemed to easy for some reason.  The minute she read it, I started to kind of not like her, but that may be the point.  Not a big thing, but it stuck out to me as the rest of the dialouge has been very natural.

One thing that struck me is that you made Sean really good looking.  If this is supposed to be a send up of the recent trends in vampire flicks (and I honestly don’t know anything about Twilight), then perhaps it would pay better if Sean is just this regular guy.  Absolutely nothing special about him, including his looks.  I think this would go a ways to turning the recent vampire trends further on its head.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this James.  Terrific job.

Craig

P.S. – Just reading the first few comments, and for what it’s worth, I loved the “It’s the best I can do” line.  Got the meaning immediately and totally works as is, IMO.

Hey,

This is a great script in terms of low budget and story. What I would suggest is  change the environment to make it more marketable since it's diffcult to shoot in a trainstation (or maybe I'm wrong). I'm surprised no one's picked this up.

However, I think alot of twillght fans would have a problem with you.

Gabe

Craiger6, Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Craiger6 P. 3 – Line where Lisa says “they are so beautiful…” didn’t exactly work for me.  I know the point is that she is naïve about vampires, but at the same time this line seemed to easy for some reason.  The minute she read it, I started to kind of not like her, but that may be the point.

I didn't want you to not like her per say, Just get that she was naive. She had much to learn. Sean is a vampire who lives with the curse everyday. That's what I think could be interesting about vampires. To live with what you must do. Not being all powerful, beautiful, and humans are just food for them. I'd really like to believe this curse was handed down by god. Those under it are for a reason. And you don't glitter in the fucken sun, you never get to see it again.

Quoted from Craiger6 One thing that struck me is that you made Sean really good looking.  If this is supposed to be a send up of the recent trends in vampire flicks (and I honestly don’t know anything about Twilight), then perhaps it would pay better if Sean is just this regular guy.  Absolutely nothing special about him, including his looks.  I think this would go a ways to turning the recent vampire trends further on its head.

Interesting thought. I do believe a cute little gal would be less receptive to a stranger on a train lest he was decent looking. Unfortunately, just for this short, I think him being easy on the eyes helps the script.

Quoted from Craiger6 P.S. – Just reading the first few comments, and for what it’s worth, I loved the “It’s the best I can do” line.  Got the meaning immediately and totally works as is, IMO.

FARK! I did too. I changed it in the revision I sent to shriekfest. I kinda wish i didn't. I changed it to "Because I have to live with the decisions." Still hope that's not bad.

Thanks again, James

Quoted from Mr. Ripley What I would suggest is  change the environment to make it more marketable since it's diffcult to shoot in a trainstation (or maybe I'm wrong).

I agree, could be a bit of work to shoot on a train, but manageable. The actors, camera men, director, may have to ride the train late at night for a few days to get the shots they want. I still think it would be low budget...

Oh, and as far as Twilight fans, I don't think too many thirteen year old girls will be offended by my short. They'll never see it.

Thanks for the read, glad you liked it.

James

I guess vampires were on a lot of people's minds when they turned in this batch of scripts.  There was even a play based on the Dracula story.

I think the only way this story could not have been predictable was having Sean wearing a crucifix and eating pizza or a sandwich with lots of garlic.  You could have put another new slant on the vampire genre in having one without the traditional weaknesses of the Dracula versions.

I didn't like the part about the reflections.  It would have been more scary if Sean waved goodbye to Lisa and then went on his murder spree.  Of course, if he took out a knife and then cut into a passenger's throat and drank his blood, it would have had more of an impact.

Because crazies who think they are vampires really do exist.  There were a lot of blood drinkers in the 1930s and 1940s.

Check out my story called The Vamp for a less predictable, but funnier, ending.

  

Rich, Thanks for reading. My intent of this story wasn't to give ya'lls a great twist. Rather to show that being a vampire may not be as great as it has been perceived of late. I beleived they're cursed beasts.

Oh, and Um. I was the first to review The Vamp. Pay attention lad...

James

I've read all of the short scripts in two nights.  I couldn't keep up with who had reviewed my stories.  I was also trying to advertise The Vamp to the other posters.  The sentence wasn't meant for you alone.  Sorry if there was any confusion.

Hi James,

I enjoyed your take on vampires and merely thought this was an innocent chat about vampires.

The only thing is I would delete 'is the best looking of the bunch', or at least change it.  This is a matter of opinion and others may not immediately grasp your intention.

All the best,


Javier

Javier, Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed.

I figured later in the script when I described the other three passengers it was obvious that Sean was the best looking.

Also, when I click on your "Do you have family values?" link it takes me to Phil's "Bad Penguin" Thread. Which I'm sure, he does not mind.

Uhp, now I see why... You've done a Phil cover. Can't say I haven't done that meself.

Thanks. Glad you liked.

James

I am most definitely not a fan of vampires' stories -I guess I chocked on them after seen one too many. But your story rocks. I think you've done a great job.

t

T.

Thanks for the read, glad you liked. Sended this sucker off to Shriekfest a few weeks ago. Beginning to get worried though. Check hasn't been cashed yet.

Ah, somplete the trifecta and get all my scripts into the top slots of the portal again.

James

Despite the predictability, I think the script starts off well. I didn't think it finished as well but the predictability wasn't a factor in that. I think there had to be a real vampire in here somewhere. The discussion of Twilight vs. Dracula seemed relatively natural and well-written. A little too simplistic for my tastes but certainly good enough.

I think the dialogue falls out track around the time Sean asks Lisa if she wouldn't mind killing people. The whole "so beautiful, so misunderstood" bit is the only one that's really cringeworthy. I don't think anyone would actually say this, even a Twilight fan. The rest of the dialogue that follows isn't poorly written per se but it seems like a strange conversation for people who've only just met. I think you might want to take a step back and think about each line. Some of them come off as awkward.

I definitely took issue with the pedophile angle. It's not the taboo aspect. I just feel like pedophilia's used so conveniently in films and scripts alike nowadays and is almost always used to justify some kind of horrific act. Your script was no exception. I think it's cliche and kind of irritating actually. This was the only part of the script I really objected to.

Overall, I thought this wasn't bad and scratched the surface of some interesting ideas. I think it would've been better if it were longer. I feel like too many writers are afraid to write shorts longer than ten pages. That or they just get in the habit of being too sparse. Either way, I think there's potential here that needs to be expanded upon.

hey James,

a really well written piece. easy to follow and intriguing. im going to have to disagree with James and say that the "so beautiful, so misunderstood" is exactly what a twilight fan would say. its so on the nose that its true.

i liked where the script was going, however i didnt like where it went. it became really predictable. in fact, i would like it more if it turned out that Sean really wasnt a vampire and that he was pulling Lisa's leg the entire time- to me that would be more of a criticism of the current vampire culture.

with that being said, i applaud you on criticizing what vampires have become...this shitty hybrid of the OC and horror iconography. however you kind of become what you're attacking. i often felt that you wrote this simply to critique the twilight series and to expose it's fans for being complete idiots. perhaps im just reading too much into it. actually i know for a fact that im reading too much into it haha

so in conclusion, for what it is, it's great. i would suggest removing the last scene because we all know what was going to happen, but that's besides the point. you have an intriguing, well written piece and i applaud you for that (you certainly got me thinking! haha)

Quoted from James McClung I think the dialogue falls out track around the time Sean asks Lisa if she wouldn't mind killing people. The whole "so beautiful, so misunderstood" bit is the only one that's really cringeworthy. I don't think anyone would actually say this, even a Twilight fan. The rest of the dialogue that follows isn't poorly written per se but it seems like a strange conversation for people who've only just met. I think you might want to take a step back and think about each line. Some of them come off as awkward.

I thought most of the dialogue was pretty good. Though they did get into a heavy conversation right quick. That seemed a bit rushed. I felt Sean was annoyed by her right off. Was Why he did what he did. Killed a man he was probably following right in front of her.

Quoted from James McClung I definitely took issue with the pedophile angle. It's not the taboo aspect. I just feel like pedophilia's used so conveniently in films and scripts alike nowadays and is almost always used to justify some kind of horrific act. Your script was no exception. I think it's cliche and kind of irritating actually. This was the only part of the script I really objected to.

Just gonna disagree with you there. I thought it was a good fit. I'm trying to convey that being a vampire is nothing fabulous. Sean has to find his victims. based on what they do, who they are, So he can live with himself every night. I think making Edgar some un cliched typ of evil man wouldn't add anything to this script.

I had a 17 page version of this first. Still predictable. I do enjoy bringing vampires down from their pedastal a bit. Exploring how it is not such a great life. Edward Cullen makes me sick how he tells Bella he won't make her a vampire because it's a cursed life. He glitters in the goddam sun. Has super powers, and immortality. How is this a curse?

So I enjoyed writing this, I may expand on a completely different view of vampires like this.

Thanks for the read James. Much appreciated.

The other James.

Quoted from albinopenguin i liked where the script was going, however i didnt like where it went. it became really predictable. in fact, i would like it more if it turned out that Sean really wasnt a vampire and that he was pulling Lisa's leg the entire time- to me that would be more of a criticism of the current vampire culture.

I had a version of this where lisa runs off the train after Sean pretends to know the old man. After she leaves he pulls out a copy of Dracula and takes a bite of a candy bar. Trust me, I liked that ending too. As it is though, I think real horror needs a bit of blood.

And oh yes, I friggin hate Twilight. I don't like True Blood either for the most. Just don't like this whole new age thinking of them. Nobody ever raped Frankenstein, werewolves, or even the mummy as bad as vampires have been soiled of late. They're not even scary anymore, just gods that walks amongst men IMO>

Glad you liked it. Thanks for the read. It took a long time to write it for a six pager. Anytime I can return the favor, just PM me.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Just gonna disagree with you there. I thought it was a good fit. I'm trying to convey that being a vampire is nothing fabulous. Sean has to find his victims. based on what they do, who they are, So he can live with himself every night. I think making Edgar some un cliched typ of evil man wouldn't add anything to this script.

I got what you're trying to do. Really, I did. I just see the whole pedophile thing so much. It's almost like the movies would have us believe 1 out of every 5 people is a pedophile. Come on. I felt like your script would've been just as effective or maybe more if Edgar beat his wife or fucked people out of their money. But that's just me. Not to mention it's your script, your call.

Quoted from jwent6688 I had a 17 page version of this first. Still predictable. I do enjoy bringing vampires down from their pedastal a bit. Exploring how it is not such a great life. Edward Cullen makes me sick how he tells Bella he won't make her a vampire because it's a cursed life. He glitters in the goddam sun. Has super powers, and immortality. How is this a curse?

I hear you, dude. I forgot to mention I appreciate your intentions with this script. The vampire genre has been dead since the 90s. There's been a handful of exceptions but I always figured vampires shouldn't be allowed to end up in celebrity magazines. They're supposed to be monsters.

So more power to you. I've plans to try my hand at the genre myself someday.

I liked this.

Vampire voyeurism. Nicely done. I liked the girl and her Twilight obsession made fun of by a real vamp.

Could have vamped up the ending as a violent event in front of the girl. How did the vamp get the pedophile info on the old man? Or was he screwing with her mind?

Two little format issues to bring up.

"shrugs his shoulders." could be just "shrugs."

and...

SEAN
Humans eat animals. Not vampires.

Of course, humans don't eat vampires. But it could be better as "Humans eat animals. Vampires don't." or "Vampires eat humans not animals."

Gary

Gary, Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Quoted from grademan Could have vamped up the ending as a violent event in front of the girl. How did the vamp get the pedophile info on the old man? Or was he screwing with her mind?

I pictured Sean, a real vampire who's had about enough of all this media sensationalization of them, knew this old man. What he's done. He was following waiting for the proper time to kill. Lisa ticked him off so bad, he wanted her to see how violent it truly was to be one. Also, think if things were this bad for vampires they may even have a high suicide rate. Maybe Sean didn't even care anymore if he got caught.

I agree about shrugs. They're not really even action sentence worthy IMO, I just needed them to do something in between.

As far as the line you brought up, I'm on the fence with that one. It does read funny. But in the exchange, her pointing at her book, having it read proper I think it might work. "HUMANS eat animals. NOT vampires". It's sounds like realistic dialogue to me.

Anyways, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it overall.

James

I thought this was pretty good. Predictable, but entertaining. The characters were interesting and I felt their conflicting opinions moved the story along. I also thought it was well-written too. Good job.

James

Good effort here although I seen the ending coming. Not so much going for the Old Man due to his back story thus providing a motivation for the attack but flipping the expectations by having Sean the vampire and not the Twilight reading, goth looking Lisa. For me, it was sign posted from the beginning.

Given that it is all dialogue for the six pages till the final sequence it worked rather well. I didn't feel it drag or fall victim to contrivance or awkwardness, however the fact that I seen the reveal coming neutered the punch of it somewhat, reducing it to a going-through-the-motions feel before reaching the said twist.

Good writing though, I liked your descriptions, dramatic location choice too, Sean's blood dripping face against the window and scream at the end was a powerful visual to leave us with.

But unfortunately, for me, everything was undermined by the inevitability of the plot.

Col.

FIlm goer, Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Col,

Glad you liked it mostly. It is guilty of being predictable. Couldn't help it. You knew one of them was going to be a real vampire.

I hope that being short, it was still an interesting ride eventhough you knew where it was going. Thanks for reading. Lemme know if i can return the favor. Or how you say, favour.

James

Umm, ditto what everyone else said pretty much.
Predictable, but you dont act like its a surprise so its alright.

For the "thats the best I could do" line, what about something along the lines of, "Because that's the one I chose."  Then lack of reflection, etc...

Also RE the rights for twilight...  if someone actually wanted to film this they could just make a mock twilight cover that would convey the same thing.  Just pretty stylish teen vampires on the cover and a made up title.  I think people would still get the reference.

Well written though, enjoyed it.

Jackx, thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed. Agree with what others have said.

AS far as rights, they can definitely talk about Twilight and it's characters. It's protected under commentary fair use defense. Just like parody. Been doing my reasearch. As far as showing the book, with it's actual cover art. Trying to find out.

Had people interested in this. Bailed because of two things. The difficulty of shooting on a train, which i refuse to change. And copyright issues.

That line was changed already in a version I shot off to shriekfest. I do like your suggestion though. You always read alot and give good advice. PM me if I could ever return the favor.

Thanks, James

Congrats to James for making it as a finalist at this year's Shriekfest screenplay competition!


Phil

Well done James!

Nice one James.  Good script.

WOW!!!!!

Cleveland ROCKS!!!!

Phil,

You're a dick. Asked him if I should be excited in PM. So he fires it up.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I never did post the revised draft that I sent. I made some subtle changes based on comments here.

Thanks to all who took the time. Keep you posted. I may just be just a finalist, or, according to Phil, still have a chance to win,  place. Just happy I had an answering machine message from Denise Gossett when i got home today.

James

That's Mister Dick to you.


Phil

James,

Congrats on the whole finalist thing.
The dialog flows like vintage blood.
I'm a fan of anything that sticks it in and breaks it off in the tweenie vamp crowd!
Though I should be more diplomatic in the interest of starting my own career.
I have one degree of separation from the bloke directing the two part climax of a certain related annoying franchise. *duct tapes own mouth* Mmmphhh.  :x

I really like the vibe and the pacing here.
I approve of you eschewing the twist for making fun of the TwiHards.
The only sticking point for me is the "best I can do" line on page 5.
Is he lying to himself? Did I miss something there?
Great job! Look forward to ripping through more of your stuff!

Regards,
E.D.

I just noticed this got picked for Shriekfest.   Way to go.

Congrats jwent on the selection!

Wrote a Vampire script once... I'll never do it again.  Your story is easily filmable and I feel someone will be picking this up to film soon.  It's written very well; regardless of the absurdity that are vampires.  I think the dialog could be a smidge tighter when he's describing the Old Man and the Factory work and the 3 kids, though.  It was largely very cinematic, though.

Nice.

E.D.,

Thanks for reading. This is an outdated draft compared to the one that was sent. The line you brought up was changed. I gotta feeling the only reason it made it was because people who are fans of real horror, Fucking despise Twilight. If it had a nice twist, maybe it could have won.

I get the feeling, were only granted a few great twists in life as writers. Wouldn't waste mine on a short. Even if I have one in the bag. I mean, Look what happened to M. Knight.

Thanks for congrats AJ and Screen... Best on both your ventures.

Balt, thanks for reading. I can understand your problem with the dialogue near the end. I just wanted it to repeat what he said about the guy with all the tatt's.

As far as being easy to film... You're wrong there. Nobody wants to touch this because it's on a train. Also, everyone is afraid of Stephenie Meyer or stepping on her toes copyright wise. Funny. If she had been reading Dracula at the beginning, nobody would even think about it. Anything they say about the book is protected under fair commentary. As far as showing the book??? Couldn't get a straight answer from anyone.  I don't think you'll ever see this on film. Was a serious attempt to write something easy to make, Yet, I know nothing about making film.

James

James, this had been up for a while, and you've made changes to the draft I read, I know. I was wanting to return a read. I see that are reading and commenting on everyone's work, including mine, so the least I could do is this.

I read people's comments after I read the script, if that helps any.

I liked this. The dialog works well. I think one of the things that works so well here is that it is predictable. Knowing that Sean is a vampire, well, assuming he is a vampire, makes the dialog between them all the better. It was funny.

As for filming this... I'm not a filmmaker, I studied it, but I just want to write. But, the setting of a train is difficult, but could easily be changed to a train station or subway platform. Showing the book would be a problem, but this girl loves the book, right? She's read it three times, the cover could be trashed, our better yet, she has made her own book cover that she's decorated with "team Edward" type stuff - kind of like they make kids do in high school and junior high... Again, I'm not a filmmaker, but if I was, those would be some tricks to use.

Very good work on this, I was entertained.

nice.  i liked this one a lot. i can easily see this as the opening scene of a vampire movie that flips the genre on it's ass.  also, i dont know why, but a train is always an interesting setting for me.  good job.

Quoted from reuel51 As for filming this... I'm not a filmmaker, I studied it, but I just want to write. But, the setting of a train is difficult, but could easily be changed to a train station or subway platform. Showing the book would be a problem, but this girl loves the book, right? She's read it three times, the cover could be trashed, our better yet, she has made her own book cover that she's decorated with "team Edward" type stuff - kind of like they make kids do in high school and junior high... Again, I'm not a filmmaker, but if I was, those would be some tricks to use.

Thanks R51 for the read,

Glad you didn't mind the predictability of it. To me, it was fun knowing that Sean was a vampire and he was about to teach Lisa a lesson in life.

The filming of it would be difficult. I had a few directors ask me to put it into a diner. It doesn't work for me there. I have a vision for this. All the tension is at the end... "He's also a pedophile." Train brakes SCREECH. Lisa realizes she's either talking to a mad man, or a real vampire. She can't get out. Sorry, seen it in my head too many times.

If it gets filmed, I will probably fund it. And yes, Twighlight book is going into it. If Stephenie Meyers wants to send her big bad attorneys after me, I welcome the publicity. Pretty sure she wouldn't bother. Or even notice. I think I'm pretty safe by law. Copyright peeps I've talked to were on the fence about showing the actual book. Other then that, all is good.

I actually have respect for her. When her book on this franchise was leaked, she posted it on her website for free. We just have different views of what the curse is. I don't think I'm bashing twilight, just the fans that live for it.

Anyways thanks for reading...

Conz,

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like the train setting. I'm glued to it. Not flipping the genre on its ass, though. Trying to point out that vampires used to be feared.

James

Just stumbled on this, and I think it works well, very well. There is no twist, but better no twist than a bad twist, or even worse a cliche one.  You know very early on who the vampire is, well before the girl, but what you are left wondering is whether she will be a victim. That's where the tension is. Seems like this would be easy to film and should be. Great example of a short!

Thanks for the read Leitskev,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've already had a mountain of good advice on this one from the people here. Again, thanks for the kind words.

James


Ooh, and that post just made this thread superhot.

Hey James.

You know I love this one. I'm surprised that it hasn't at least been optioned yet.

God if this ain't cutting it what chance have the rest of us got?

But it'll happen, wait and see.

By the way, how's 'CRUEL AND UNUSUAL' coming along? There's another winner right there.

Keep it up mate.

Martin.

Martin, your spirits have seemed a bit down of late. I've explained why i don't think this one has caught attention. Its on a train. Try to get everyone to work for free so they can showcase their talents, yet, somebody's got to flip the bill. Enormous one for this. My mistake.

Keep writing my good man. Hold onto the dream. Keep shopping your scripts. Be creative. You'll have one made. I'm confident. I like your style.

Cruel and Unusual sits in a pile of about ten unfinished shorts. After Bert's, Pia's, and your comments my heads spinning at where to go with it.

I'm in the current OWC. So it got brushed aside. Keep writing. At the same time, be realistic. Its a tuff biz to break into. I have dreams, yet, I don't let my failures crush me.

James

Hey James,

I know I read this awhile ago, but I didn't see a post from me on this.  Lol, I even found the notes I wrote about it in my SimplyNotebook.  I read it about the same time I read 'The Status of Things'.  Sorry I never went back and posted my notes, which pretty much everything I wrote has been covered anyway.

I think it's funny how it ends up being a story about the differences between old school vampires and new school vampires because in my old notes, after I read

Quoted from So Pretty Sean, 30's, is the best looking of the bunch.

I was thinking to myself 'Oh yay, another spin off of Twilight where the vampires look like models'.  (And yes, I had figured out by that time that Sean was going to be a vampire.)  In fact, the twist for me was that Lisa wasn't a vampire.  (Works at a hospital... easy access to blood).  I originally thought one of them was going to be the old school vamp and the other a new school vamp, and they were going to argue about who's better, maybe duke it out a little.

The script was very good for a horror and I'm very glad to see that you did very well at Shriekfest with it.  Congratulations!

I do have one question for you though that I didn't see covered in the other replies to the thread.  Forgive me if it was covered.  I didn't read every single post so I might have missed it.

If the main problem you seem to have about why anybody doesn't want to shoot this is the 'train' aspect of it, why not just have it take place in a subway.  Besides, (I'm not a railroad man or anything), but aren't trainstations few and far between anyway?  Yours had a stop after six minutes.  (Of course I used your page count as a timer.)

Personally, I think the characters in your story should be taking the bus.  Make it infinitely easier on the director.  I ride the nightline here in Youngstown home from work and there's some pretty creepy people that ride it at night.  (I was told from one of the bus drivers that a certain old guy WAS a charged pedophile.  Don't know if it's true or not, but your story really conjured up the image of that guy for me.)

I don't know how dyer it is that your story HAS to take place on a train, maybe I missed something, but it would make a lot more sense to me to put them on a subway or bus.

Another question I have is 'How does Sean know all this about Edgar?'  Lisa asks him that question, and Sean says 'Because it's the best I can do.'  I didn't really understand that part.  I might have missed something.  I did go back and read it a couple times, but I still didn't get it.

But it was still a solid piece of writing and I found it very entertaining considering I'm not much of a horror fan anymore.

Good job.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I do have one question for you though that I didn't see covered in the other replies to the thread.  Forgive me if it was covered.  I didn't read every single post so I might have missed it. If the main problem you seem to have about why anybody doesn't want to shoot this is the 'train' aspect of it, why not just have it take place in a subway.  Besides, (I'm not a railroad man or anything), but aren't trainstations few and far between anyway?  Yours had a stop after six minutes.  (Of course I used your page count as a timer.)

Obviously you've never rode a Chicago elevated train. It's a subway above ground that stops frequently. Six minutes could be about right, though, I was pretty plastered riding to Wrigley field on it.

Quoted from rc1107 Personally, I think the characters in your story should be taking the bus.  Make it infinitely easier on the director.  I ride the nightline here in Youngstown home from work and there's some pretty creepy people that ride it at night.  (I was told from one of the bus drivers that a certain old guy WAS a charged pedophile.  Don't know if it's true or not, but your story really conjured up the image of that guy for me.)

Meh, you can yell at the bus driver to stop. When you're in the last car of the train, you're its prisoner until the doors open up. That's what I like about it. Nobody can hear you. You can't get out.

Quoted from rc1107 Another question I have is 'How does Sean know all this about Edgar?'  Lisa asks him that question, and Sean says 'Because it's the best I can do.'  I didn't really understand that part.  I might have missed something.  I did go back and read it a couple times, but I still didn't get it.

This part was not well revealed in the initial draft. Sean was following Edgar. He was hunting him, waiting for the proper time to strike. Lisa pissed him off so much he did it right there on the train. Just to shatter her beliefs.

Thanks for reading. Alot of this was addressed in a rewrite that I sent to Shriekfest. Guess I should post the new version, but, I'm already a pain in the ass as it goes.

James

*Spoilers*

Hey James -

Thought I'd pull this one up for review.

Short and sweet - really tight writing.  The dialogue really flows, and you do get in a few wry moments that work really well (eg, the black hair and fingernails, the "or maybe he's just a thug" comment, etc.)  Nice and forth.

Admittedly, the minute Sean started his guessing game, I knew how it would end.  But at 6 pages long, that's really not a problem.  It was still a fun ride.

My only issue was the line "Because, it's the best I can do."  Huh?  Not sure if he can read minds - that's not completely clear.  And if so, wouldn't the line read something more like "because, it's one of the things I do best...)

Just a thought.  But fun tweak on Twilight readers!  (And they do deserve it.)

It was a little predictable, but I still liked it. The only thing I would do to it is take out the part about her fainting at the end.

Good job. I would really like to see this filmed.

Thanks crooked for the read. This was predictable, but I think the severity of it and the shock value over shadowed its predictability for most readers. I've read a good deal of shorts that try so hard to misdirect the reader that the story suffers just to offer a twist.

Lisa did not faint in the rewrite i sent to shriekfest. I guess i should update this version. Anywho, I made several changes based on comments from here. It got me to finalist in my first contest. Quite proud of it actually. I'd love to see it on film as well, unfortunately, very few offers at this point.

If you've got a short up, lemme know. I'll take a peek. I don't do features right now, sorry.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 If you've got a short up, lemme know. I'll take a peek. I don't do features right now, sorry.

I just finished a short last night, and hopefully it'll be on this site soon.

Quoted from crookedowl I just finished a short last night, and hopefully it'll be on this site soon.

Cool, I'll keep an eye out for it.

Quoted from Wonkavite Admittedly, the minute Sean started his guessing game, I knew how it would end.  But at 6 pages long, that's really not a problem.  It was still a fun ride.

Crap, Sorry Janet. I didn't thank you for reading. This one keeps getting lost on me. It was predictable. The only thing going for it is that its very short. If it were longer I would have had to come up with a better twist.

Sean's line was changed to "Because I have to live with the decisions." I also set up his final line better. Thanks again for the read.

James

There is a lot to learn from reading this script JW, The word 'tight' comes to mind.  The Bram Stoker reference was gold.  

Can't say the ending surprised me, you if this ends up getting filmed, maybe make it obvious from the beginning?

For a short with two people sitting and talking, it had quite a bit of tension. That's hard to do in one location and next to no action. You pulled it off great. The lack of action makes the ending violence seem a bit more raw. The blood on the windows and the image of Sean at the end is a great way to end it.

I agree with the very first comment, take out the fainting. Just have her trip and fall on her way out, as she gets up she glances back and sees him there. He screams in joy as the train goes away.

Does he always feed on this train? Or was it just this one time. Could have a midnight meat train vibe going on if he does this regularly at this spot.

Thanks for the reads Chris and usual Suspect. This version had some changes made to it from suggestions by board members. Just slight. The fainting is gone and i set up the ending line a bit better with having Lisa say it first.

Quoted Text TheUsualSuspect Does he always feed on this train? Or was it just this one time. Could have a midnight meat train vibe going on if he does this regularly at this spot.

No, he knew Edgar. His past and what he had done. He was following him waiting for the right time to kill. Lisa pissed him off so with her romantic view of a vampire's life that he killed Edgar right there to shatter her beliefs. I think i could portray this a bit better on film. You can't see it in the script. Again, thanks for the reads...

James