Quoted from Ryan Graham Nice dude, good tension. Like the back and forth dialogue and game-play from Carson. Well done. Ryan

Hello Ryan,

Thanks for reading the script.
I'm trying to get it ready for production in October.
I see your Claus script is on the portal.
I took a look at the format, seems pretty solid.
I'll give it a read later this week most likely.

Regards,
E.D.

Brett,

This was just alright for me.  The thing I noticed first off is that if Carson is bickering about food, even if it is technically a set-up, I think a seasoned polygraph administrator would have to take that into consideration as a possible influence on the results.  Possibly, possibly not.

I would have liked to know why Carson was doing what he was doing and what Paul did to have his son be kidnapped.  Those were pretty big matzo balls that didn't lead anywhere.  That and Carson eating the sandwich after he took a human finger out of it.  What?  And he's a terrorist.  And he's a smooth talker.  And evidently likes the seasoning of human limbs.  Something there just didn't fully add up.  

Some of Paul's verbal returns were also clanky.  "This is not real."  "You twist the truth until it snaps."  Eh.  Some typos as well but they were probably already pointed out.

It was an okay read, read fast enough, but IMO would have liked more to it.

Greg

Quoted from greg Brett, This was just alright for me.  The thing I noticed first off is that if Carson is bickering about food, even if it is technically a set-up, I think a seasoned polygraph administrator would have to take that into consideration as a possible influence on the results.  Possibly, possibly not.

Hey Greg,

Thanks for the read.
Hope your endeavors are going well and to hear more about Scorsese Club!
That's an interesting thought I hadn't considered, I'll think about that one. Thanks.

Quoted from greg I would have liked to know why Carson was doing what he was doing and what Paul did to have his son be kidnapped.  Those were pretty big matzo balls that didn't lead anywhere.  That and Carson eating the sandwich after he took a human finger out of it.  What?  And he's a terrorist.  And he's a smooth talker.  And evidently likes the seasoning of human limbs.  Something there just didn't fully add up.

Heh, the sandwich is a polarizing point for many folks.
I'm sorry it didn't come together for you.
In the end, I imagine it will come down to how it's filmed.
It's true, the motivations are more hinted at than spelled out.
It's a intentional style choice, to leave it in the hands of the actors.
I had nine pages to ratchet as much tension I could into those pages.
So, to that end, I wanted to evade exposition as much as possible.

Quoted from greg Some of Paul's verbal returns were also clanky.  "This is not real."  "You twist the truth until it snaps."  Eh.  Some typos as well but they were probably already pointed out. It was an okay read, read fast enough, but IMO would have liked more to it. Greg

Most of the clunky examples I get are leftovers from the previous draft.
I guess I'll have to root the rest of them out there on the next pass.
Thanks for your time.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett, just read your new draft, as requested. I actually think this is much better than the draft I read earlier in the year.  I feel the writing itself is better and you cleaned up several problem areas, most notably, the lie detector output. A few things I'll throw out and then I found a few typos/etc. I'll list for you. The change in locale works well.  I'd actually prefer seeing an EXT shot of the actual building they're in, just so we know where it is compared to the coast, etc.  If you're going for an EXT shot to start things off, showing old San Juan, I don't think a simple shot of the building would be an issue.

Hey Jeff,

Thanks for the read, at least this script is a genre that you enjoy.
It was a bit of an eye opener returning to this script six months after I wrote it.
I"m glad the locale change works for you, I like the exterior building idea.

Quoted from Dreamscale The biggest problem I see you fixed, is the actual lie detector stuff, in that, now, we can actually see what Paul is looking at, and it makes it very clear whether or not Carson is being truthful. There's also a drawback here.  Now, I'm no polygraph expert, but I'm 99% sure that polygraph machines have to to be "read" by an expert to garner what's true and what's false.  There isn't a little green or red word, saying "true" or "false".  And although having such a device here, makes things much clearer, it also is going to come across as very fake, and made up, and could ruin the integrity of the entire piece. IMO, a better way to go about it is to have the same wavy lines going on the screen (as they are in reality), and have Paul write "true" or false" down next to his printed questions...or something like that.  It would really add to the reality here.

You have a point, the actual words may be a tad overt.
I set it up that way to give the director isn't required to use a working polygraph.
It was suggested to me to use the computer for as much as possible.
I should know in a few weeks, if he's actually getting an old school machine.
Perhaps some needles and a red or green light might be better.
I figured I would start with the most overt method, then tune it from there.

Quoted from Dreamscale I was never a big fan of the finger sandwich and I'm still not, but it does play out better in this draft.  I do see Kevin's point though for both the finger and the internet stream of Sam.  I'm kind of on the fence about it, actually, as I see how it works and how it doesn't work, within the confines of the whole "lie detector" analogy.

I can see what Kevin is saying, it comes down to a pot boiling scenario.
He felt as though the pot shouldn't boil over into screws down violence.
I felt I was doing the audience a disservice by not going that far.
The kid on webcam tips Paul over, he loses his temper, and bam.
It puts the weight squarely on the backs of the actors to carry it through.
To me, it's paying off the simmering conflict between the two men.
Perhaps there's a better way within the confines of the story.
But, I haven't discovered it yet!

Quoted from Dreamscale One issue I do have is the lack of description of the hourglass.  You say it's "small", but I doubt it actually is, based on how much time passes before it runs out.  Even if you take away all the stuff we see in the script between Paul and Carson, Paul's journey down 3 stories (after a bomb has gone off), across the street, and into a building he's not familiar with would take more time than a small hourglass would possess.  IMO, an actual digital stopwatch set at 10 minutes or so, would be much more believable (and really...who uses hourglasses anymore?).

I did research the hourglass, actually.
A five minute hourglass is six inches tall by three inches wide.
http://www.officeplayground.com/Hourglass-Sand-Timer-5-Minute-Purple-Sand-P304.aspx
Why an hourglass? It's counter programming to the computer.
I like the old school mix with all the tech, purely a style choice.
The hourglass is turned five pages before the end, then it runs out.
As to the timing, Carson will take a few drags on his smoke before exiting.
Perhaps showing the kid yelling before Paul finds him would tighten that up.

Quoted from Dreamscale On the same note, I didn't like the ending...or the wording of Paul leaving.  I actually had to read it 3 times to figure out that I didn't miss anything.  "Paul exits." on the same line as "The two men stare at each other." doesn't work for me at all.  If nothing else, IMO, you should have Paul say something like, "My son had better be alright, you bastard.", and then have a separate line, like, "Paul rushes out of the office.". I'm not sure how Carson is supposed to get away, either, and his sitting there, calmly smoking, comes off kind strange.

I'll revisit the departure and clear that up, perhaps some dialogue is needed.
Carson has a "post coital" smoke, it's his first line and final action on screen.
Perhaps enhance that beat with a "I'll smoke when we're done.", line, etc.
I'll sharpen that description, thanks.
Carson has a plan for his exit, he always has a plan.

Quoted from Dreamscale A few typos... Page 5 - "nest" - "next" Page 9 - There are actually several awkwardly phrased lines here, IMO, as well as some confusing lines, based on the use of "he", meaning, I'm not sure who "he" is referring to.  Here are the worst offenders...but maybe look at the entire page again. "Carson kidney punches Paul, the agent grimaces." - This is definitely 2 separate sentences and needs to be broken up, as it reads poorly like this. "Carson grabs the Glock. He releases Paul." - This one could/should be 1 sentence. - "Carson grabs the Glock, releases Paul." "Paul gasps and coughs. He pulls the cord off his neck." - Again, could/should be a single line with out "He".  A comma or maybe even better, an ellipses would work well here. "He grabs they key chain and exits." - "they" should be "the" Great work here and congrats on your successes!  Hope this helps.

I fixed the typos. Damn things, two slipped through.
Good suggestions on the action, I'll put them to good use.
It's funny, most of the tech stuff I'm getting dinged for is from the old draft.
Perhaps I should've written the whole damn thing over from scratch, heh.

Much appreciate all the helpful insights, I'll whip this puppy into shape.
I want it to white knuckle sizzle on the screen!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Hey Dreamer! Congrats! I only found a misspelled word and Wonkavite pointed it out above on page 9. They instead of the. Maybe someone mentioned this before but the line "Paul’s finger hovers over a red button under the drawer." seems akward to me for some reason, an above/under paradox. Yeah I know what you mean but its just nitpick on my part, sorry lol. IMO as mentioned before maybe Carson could start off as being intimidated as hell at Paul. And Paul being the confident one, maybe over confident. Then gradually (as gradually as you can in a short) switch. Harley

Hey Harley,

Thanks for the read, glad you liked it overall. I think you liked it.
Yeah, damn typos, just when you think you're out, they pull you back in.

Eoin had a great suggestion to fix the panic button, I'm so stealing it!

I agree I could start Carson's arc a bit more on the Harvey Milk side.
It should make his turn even more dynamic, thanks for the thoughts!

Regards,
E.D.

Brett I wanted to let you know that I totally agree with you now about the hourglass.  I had no idea such a small hourglass could take so much time to run out.

I always appreciate when peeps do research and you deserve a shout out here!  

And yeah, fix up that panic button scene and you're just about there, my friend.

Good luck!!!

Quoted from leitskev http://www.youtube.com/user/BWyardsale11#p/u/44/QwgyLRr-oqs lie detector scene in here. Oldie, but maybe helpful.

Hey Kev,

Some great tidbits in there regarding control and manipulation, thanks!
Had to wade through 11 minutes of stuff, but well worth it!

Regards,
E.D.

Brett,

Giving this another read per your request. Always glad to return one.

some notes as I go. I will stick to story and dialogue since I know this is more or less a shooting script now.


PAUL
Why do you need to make a call
right now? - I think a simple "no" works better here. I think Paul should be more hardened to start out. Then we see a change of attitude as things progress.

CARSON
An innocent person will die. - I don't think Carson should just come out and say it like that. A little more cat and mouse would serve well. Plus its not a yes or no which most ploygraphs are based upon.  I think Carson should want to answer only yes and no questions. Add tension. i.e...

CARSON
Something bad will happpen.

PAUL
Like what?

CARSON
Ask me a yes or no question.

Paul sighs.

PAUL
Will someone get hurt?

CARSON
Yes.

The laptop reads TRUTH.

CARSON
Now, ask me if this person is close to you.

I think something along these lines would serve the script better. At least IMO.

I'm iffy bout the portrait being in there. I was envisioning an interrogation room. Something very simple with maybe a two-way mirror.

CARSON
I told Sam if he let me cut off his
finger, he would get to see his
daddy again real soon.
(beat)
You should be proud of your boy. - this is good.

This story has alot of potential, but still has flaws to me. I can see people watching this on film and saying, "Oh, come on!" First, it seems you took Paul out of any legitimate government agency, so, what use is the data on the flash drive?

The sandwich is a biggie. If you insist on keeping it I would make paul go and have to retrieve it. Or have Carson's backpack brought to them after Paul gets a taste of fear. Also, make it corned beef. Now I'm hungry.

Was carson hand cuffed? Didn't see it. Just seems like he was there for a leisurely visit. I think he should be.

I don't like your ending fight. Would rather this be solved simply. Like, Carson makes Paul uncuff him and hand over his I.D. badge in order for Carson to tell Paul where his son is at. This is so Carson can get out. After Carson tells him where his son is Paul runs out. Wouldn't you?

Carson slaps a profile pic of himself on the badge. Then he watches the hourglass and the laptop. When Paul shows up on screen with Sam the sand runs out. The laptop goes blank. A huge explosion is heard off screen. Carson has a nice little send off line and exits.

Haven't read all the other comments yet. Am going to now. I don't feel this is strong enough to make good film yet as it sits. I may be back for an edit after reading some other comments. Best of luck!

James

Hey, didn't read the bazillion other replies, so some of this might be repetitive...
The first sentence seems a bit awkward. Specifically military fort tourist traps.  I get what u mean, just kinda a long phrase.  But it sounded like you might be producing this yourself, so no biggie.

P1.  'call me, Carson".  No comma needed.
Also    Is your name, Carson Briggs,  no comma needed.  The comma before a name rule is only when you are using the name to address the person.  As in, "is your name carson, mr Briggs.". Or "call me Carson, Paul"

Hmm overall, not bad, but not quite great.  I think my main problem was the very abrupt shift in power.  I think it would be more interesting if there was a little more mental tug of war before it was all on the table like that.  Also why the he'll doesn't Paul pull his gun just as soon as he learns his son is kidnapped.  
And car sons motive was what?  Steal something from the database?  Maybe I missed somethings but his methods seem very personal.  I think it might be better if this was a bit more personal revenge for something in pails past.

But aside from the negatives it was well written, just maybe tighten up the story a bit.  Good luck with it.

Quoted from James McClung Hi Brett, This was a solid script. The writing was strong and you managed to keep up consistent pace and tension. I also distinctly remember certain plot devices (e.g. the photo, ring, etc.) that came off as a little too cliche for me the first time around, which have since been omitted in favor of the webcam on the laptop. Good thinking. Not just a good amendment to something unfavorable but an interesting device by any accounts. I liked it.

Hey James,

Thanks for the read, always appreciate your feedback.
Yeah, I did dump the whole wife thing, felt clunky.
But I was intrigued about adding a webcam element.
Make the computer/polygraph even more integral to the flow.
I'm trying to weed out the cliches and get in there with some strong visuals.

Quoted from James McClung There was a brief line by Carson, which explains Paul is a widower and a disgraced DEA agent, that I felt was written in just a tad too expositional a manner. I think you could write it in a way that's slightly more inferred by just tweaking the wording. Not a big deal though. If you didn't change anything, I think you'd still have some solid writing on your hands.

Perhaps making it more sarcastic will take the bad exposition taste out of your mouth.
Simple devices like that tend to make those things go down better.
Die Hard being a great example of clever exposition.
A talkative ex-cabbie now limo driver drags McClane's info out of him, etc.

Quoted from James McClung "You twist the truth until it snaps" was another line that I didn't care for. Awkward and not without a sprinkling of cheese. But again. If you didn't change anything...

It's a holdover from the previous draft no one seems to like.
I can lose it, but I want something there to show Paul's snapping.

Quoted from James McClung Naturally, these are things one forces themselves to come out with when re-reading something, which, more often than not, has eliminated issues from its previous draft. However one thing I would change would be the green TRUTH and the red LIE. Too on-the-nose, especially given how people respond to those colors psychologically. I think red and green lights alone are effective. A minor nitpick, I know, but like I said. Re-reading. Anyway, that's about it. I think you're in good shape with this one.

It's been suggested that may be cheesy by others, too.
And you're probably right, at the time, I was going for overt.
But needles bobbing and a simple light would likely be a better visuals.

I'm glad you think this is a big step in the right direction.
I'll still tune on it some more in between feature work.
You guys give great feedback and make me look good to producers!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Sorry, I'm behind on replies, will get caught up soon, promise.

Over all I was left unsatisfied. What was the point? Even though it's a short, there should be something for me understand.

Carson found Paul. It's not clear to me if Paul knows Carson, but Carson surely knows Paul because Carson not only found Paul but clearly chose him. Why? Paul is a former agent and a polygraph contractor so I wonder why Paul would possess a laptop with such information that Carson goes through such great lengths to get it? That doesn't make sense to me. So because that doesn't make sense, all of the back and forth has no meaning no matter how good it is.

I can see how evil Carson can be but I don't hate him. I see Paul has a son that Carson puts in harms way, but I'm not rooting for Paul. This scene is too short for that to fully develop but I think something like that is needed.

The location of where this happens is irrelevant, however if you set it on an Island, travel is much easier to shut down as opposed to the event happening where there are many alternatives to get away. I've never been to Puerto Rico, but my guess is you can pass it off as Miami like they pass off Vancouver for Seattle.

While the scene would be a good one bookended with more, it would benefit from some soul as a short.

This was very well-written and kept my attention.  The conflict between the two characters was good.  I sincerely did not like Carson.  His character and Paul's were both believable.  

Hey Brett,

Pretty neat story, but I have some questions and comments...

I was wondering why Carson was put on the lie detector to begin with???
I thought he was just a friend of Paul's who was helping him test the lie detector.
You might want to make that clearer. Maybe have Paul ask him questions about what they think he's guilty of.

But I liked how Carson turn the tables on Paul.

Why did Carson kidnap Paul's son?

Do Paul and Carson know each other from before?

Um... oh, and I'm not sure about his son's finger in the sandwich.

You could have just put one of Sam's favorite toys in the sandwich bag.

Just my thoughts.

Cindy

This was a good read.  I won't repeat any of the spelling issues because it looks like they have been covered by everyone else.  A couple things I think could improve the story:

-Focus a little more on the hourglass to show time is running out.

-A polygraph administrator won't ask you to lie.  They just ask you control questions to establish a baseline.

-I'm not sure the finger sandwich is necessary.

-Have Sam in some sort of peril other than just being in a room.  Maybe he's strapped to a chair with a bomb?  Standing on a trap door with a noose around his neck?  Perhaps he's hanging over a water tank filled with ill tempered sea bass.  Something.

-Government agents don't "take classes".  They "get training".

Overall it was entertaining.

YES!!!!  Please include some ill tempered sea bass.  Love it!!