Quoted from Irishstu Great idea for a short, I really enjoyed it

Sorry, I missed this post.
Thanks for the kind words.
I hope you return to SS and contribute to the peer review forums.

Regards,
E.D.

Script Update:

I recently rewrote Lie Detector with a focus on improving my writing style.
This script originated as an exercise to get me lean on the page.
And I'm using it again to test drive some new techniques.
So far, I can't complain about the reviews and rankings on Talentville:

http://www.talentville.com/index.php?content=sub&id=1406

Debuting in the top 10% was pretty sweet.
The ranking system is pretty exciting for a stat guy like me.
And your score grows a bit depending on the number of assigned reviews you garner.
So, if the script maintains a quality score, it still naturally progresses its rank.
And I enjoyed finding an appropriate Lie Detector avatar as well.

Talentville does excel at how it's presents submissions to members.
However, their educational forums don't hold a candle to SS. Not even close, IMO.

So far, the new posted draft has been helping me refine my style for my new feature.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey, E.D. I had to check this out as it's had a load of views in a week.

I got to say I really liked it. The banter between Carson and Paul was excellent and I loved the way the story unfolded.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything else but to be truthful I didn't find much wrong with this.

Great little script.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer So far, I can't complain about the reviews and rankings on Talentville: http://www.talentville.com/index.php?content=sub&id=1406

Okay - I thought I'd take a quick look at Talentville, see what it was like - went for a random script review - guess what came up? First prize. Changed since I last read it I think? Still all good though.

Simon

Brett

I like the concept here. A two hander revolving around characters where it’s difficult to know who’s who, who’s telling the truth and what are the true motives at play. The polygraph element adds an interesting dimension to it acting as a cross reference checker, something to refer to when unsure of an individual’s honesty guiding you though the untrustworthy terrain of Carson’s machinations. A prop  that Paul uses as part of his profession but is also very useful to us, the reader, in separating the truth from lies and figuring out where this is going.

Your writing is excellent, clear and concise.

“A clear plastic cup anchored to a ceiling vent duct with a
coat hanger catches water droplets from a wheezing A/C unit.”

-- Loved this introductory image of the interrogation room. Seems insignificant and inconsequential but cleverly conveys a feeling of heat, stuffiness, suffocation and atmosphere. Droplets being collected from an over worked AC unit works excellently as a visually/auditory mood setter.

“Green letters spell out TRUTH in reverse on Paul’s glasses.”

-- Although it’s the first time we are told that Paul wears glasses (it should probably be mentioned in his description) I liked this visual flourish nonetheless. Shows you’ve got a vivid image of the setting in your head when writing it.

“Erratic wave readouts bounce. Green letters blink. TRUTH.”

-- I presume you’ve done your research on polygraphs but don’t they only go crazy when someone lies and stay relatively flatline-ish when the truth is spoken?

CARSON
I know who you are. A widower and
disgraced DEA agent. You moved to
Puerto Rico and became a polygraph
expert. Now you subcontract your
services to your former masters.

-- Possibly the most expository piece of dialogue ever but I understand we needed some insight into Paul’s background and sometimes the only way to get it across is having a character just say it.

“Paul yanks and tosses the device to Carson.”

-- Could be written a little clearer as:

“Paul yanks the device from the laptop, tosses it to Carson.”

While I enjoyed the story as a whole, the pacing, back and forth exchanges, Carson’s mysterious, dangerous character and the gradual escalation of peril and tension as things come to a crescendo I did find myself asking some questions, primarily concerning Paul’s handling of the situation and Carson’s motives.

I think it’s clear as things become more sinister that Carson is deceiving the machine. He twists his words, provides vague, unspecified answers. Pauls should have nipped things in the bud earlier, he should’ve pressed the panic button, called in his superiors.

He shouldn’t have blindly followed Carson’s orders of plugging in the USB, turning the hourglass or unlocking the alarm. Yes, his son was in danger but Carson was being detained, he had no contact with the outside world, I would’ve called his bluff to be honest. If Paul had taken time to analyse the situation and not appease everything Carson was demanding just because the machine was saying he was telling the truth I feel he could’ve avoided the catastrophe which transpired. He should have asked more questions, slowed things down, got his bearing, took control of the situation. Instead he let Carson run the show.

What was Carson’s motivation? Why was he doing this to Paul? Is he just a terrorist hell bent on fu?king people’s day up? Was it just for the information on the laptop’s database? At first I thought he had done the background research on Paul, kidnapped his son so he could use him as collateral in exchange for passage. But then I was wondering how he would have set it up in such a way that Paul would be his interrogator.

CARSON
That would be the phone I left in
the lobby. Homeland Security tends
to get curious about unscheduled
flights, unless they’re distracted.

This line leads me to think that he is part of a greater terrorist cell. Is he sacrificing himself for, what he sees as, a greater goal? When Paul leaves the interrogation room, Carson doesn’t seem in any hurry to make good his escape, instead shows how merciless he is by killing Paul and Sam with the pressing of the alarm button. Why go to such lengths to destroy Paul and what’s left of his family, what was this man’s beef! Does he expect to just walk out of there a free man with his USB and hope no one will notice him in all the commotion.

As I said I like what you’ve attempted here, I was just frustrated by Paul’s hasty, poor decision making and unclear as to the motives of Carson which is probably down to my ignorance. Please explain.

Col.

Hey Brett,

Okay, you have a lot of feedback already and looking back through the comments, it seems this was going to be filmed? Congrats BTW.

I don’t think I can be much help to be honest, the writing is excellent.

How you created so much tension in a one room setting are testament to your skills, it was a page turner from start to finish and I very much enjoyed it.

What I would ask is why Carson killed Paul and his son in the end? He got what he wanted, just felt that he was so composed and relaxed before, like a professional on a job. Then with killing them, he turned into a more psychopathic killer instead.

Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful, Brett.

Great work!

Steve

Quoted from alffy Hey, E.D. I had to check this out as it's had a load of views in a week. I got to say I really liked it. The banter between Carson and Paul was excellent and I loved the way the story unfolded. I'm sorry I can't offer anything else but to be truthful I didn't find much wrong with this. Great little script.

Hey Alffy!

Thanks for the kind words, I'm glad you enjoyed the script.
I lost an option for it, on my birthday no less, but I'm proud of the work.
In the end, if a production doesn't work out, I may expand it to a feature anyway.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Forgive Okay - I thought I'd take a quick look at Talentville, see what it was like - went for a random script review - guess what came up? First prize. Changed since I last read it I think? Still all good though. Simon

Hey Simon!

LOL! Quite the coincidence, considering there's a hundred scripts waiting for reviews.
And much thanks for the stellar review there...
Methinks you started a windfall, the script's up to seven reviews on Talentville!

And, the new draft of Lie Detector is the #2 ranked script on the site!

Cheers!
E.D.

I liked this a lot, it was tense and kept me guessing, all you could ask for in a good thriller.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer And, the new draft of Lie Detector is the #2 ranked script on the site! Cheers! E.D.

Yeah - I didn't really feedback first time I read it (saw it on Inktip, if you recall) - so I gave it a fresh read, and I felt sure it was a re-write, either that or I was seeing it with fresh eyes - you've confirmed the former - can't really remember the changes to be honest, but all I can say - well it's on the review - so you've strengthened and improved an already hot script. Hats off to that.

Bummer on the #2 spot BTW. Deserves so much more...

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Brett Your writing is excellent, clear and concise. “A clear plastic cup anchored to a ceiling vent duct with a coat hanger catches water droplets from a wheezing A/C unit.” -- Loved this introductory image of the interrogation room. Seems insignificant and inconsequential but cleverly conveys a feeling of heat, stuffiness, suffocation and atmosphere. Droplets being collected from an over worked AC unit works excellently as a visually/auditory mood setter.

Hey Col!

Thanks so much for the great insights!
Glad you like the wheezing A/C unit.
But I have a confession to make...
I grabbed that visual from my barber shop!

I was sitting there waiting for my turn, when I looked up at the ceiling.
I jotted down the image in my iPhone notes for future reference.

When I did the Puerto Rican pass to the script, I added that bit of business.
When I see something nifty like that, I catalog it in my phone.
I like to "bank" tidbits like that to flavor a script.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 He shouldn’t have blindly followed Carson’s orders of plugging in the USB, turning the hourglass or unlocking the alarm. Yes, his son was in danger but Carson was being detained, he had no contact with the outside world, I would’ve called his bluff to be honest. If Paul had taken time to analyse the situation and not appease everything Carson was demanding just because the machine was saying he was telling the truth I feel he could’ve avoided the catastrophe which transpired. He should have asked more questions, slowed things down, got his bearing, took control of the situation. Instead he let Carson run the show.

I do see your point, which I tied into his domestic debacle leading to this assignment.
I wanted to suggest that Paul was not top shelf material, more like The B Team.
Perhaps there's a better way I can get that across.

And yes, the motivations are only hinted at, but I did want to be sure to do that.
The reason for the sliver of hints was considering the "feature potential".
I held back in the short version of the script.
But suggested some of the "feature potential" dynamics here.
I'm guessing that philosophy led to some of your frustration.

Thanks tons for the laser insightful stuff, great thoughts!

Regards,
E.D.

I really liked this. Brett, maybe if you made the protagonist a female you'll get another option. After the success of Haywire I bet Hollywood are going to be clamoring for scripts for female action stars.

Quoted from Britman After the success of Haywire I bet Hollywood are going to be clamoring for scripts for female action stars.

The "success" of Haywire?  What success is that?  $18 Million NABO on a $23 Million budget, with high profile star power, writer, and director.  It' widely recognized as a box office dud.

OK true, although I thought it was doing better overseas. However there was a lot of talk about it reinvigorating the female action role.

I think it's done about $5 Million overseas.

I'm very bummed how poorly it's doing, actually, as I like Gina an awful lot and have heard she rally did a solid job here.