Quoted from khamanna Hi E.D. Thanks for reviewing my script on the other thread. I just read yours and these are the thoughts: It ends quite abrupt for me. I was waiting for some kind of closure... not that I was confused by the story but still could not understand what Peter did and if Carson was lying and why he mentions the "long flight" at the end. I also could not understand which one is good and which is bad, which one should I root for. Real fussy notes: Carson calls him by the name (he says "Mr. Briggs") bit too often. Also I did not believe Peter actually would go for the sadwich - but these are easily fixable bits (if you choose to fix them, of course) 2 actors - you may shop around for it perhaps.

Khamanna,

Thanks for the read!
I will work on making the relationship between the two less ambiguous.
Perhaps clarify the threat Carson brings to the table more somehow.
I did leave out certain details and only hinted at the history.
Part of that was because this is a story that could be expanded.
And I wanted to tease the reader, but not confuse.
I'll take a good look at that before I start the next draft.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett I have mixed feelings about this. I liked Carson. I liked the interaction between the two. Your descriptions were appropriate for this short.   I disliked that it ends abruptly. It feels more like a scene to a bigger story. I would probably suggest to expand it more. Make it to a feature or a longer short. That's what i can come up with so far. Hope this helps, Gabe

Gabe,

Much thankage for the read.
I knew that I risked alienating some folks with the choice of ending. My apologies.
I wanted to leave it open as a potential teaser for a feature.
I had hoped that resolving the polygraph might be just enough closure.
As if to say, "Okay, you've completed level one, let's move on."
I guess that didn't work for you and I can see why.
It's something I'll pay attention to in subsequent drafts.

I'm pleased the character interactions and descriptions worked for you.
My mechanical formatting has been a weak spot I've been trying to improve.
I wanted to create a "Face/Off" like dynamic between the pair.
Crafting entertaining popcorn is not as easy as it looks on the screen.
It takes just as much effort as it does to create any other story.
So, might as well write a good script, takes just as long to write out a bad one.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Eoin Mistakes - Page 2 - license should be licence, the first is a verb the second is a noun. Overall I enjoyed this. I did see some similarities with the lie detector in Balde Runner and The Day The Earth Stood Still, but not enough that it wasn't unique. Your characters had motives, history, nice exchanges, etc. I guess my biggest problem if any was that this piece was static, a talking heads piece. It seemed like part of an exercise you set yourself in dialouge and characterisation? Overall, thumbs up for me.

Hey Eoin,

Much thanks for the read.
It kills me that the Blade Runner reference never crossed my mind.
I have to laugh about it, because it's on me favorite movies of that decade.
Funny how the brain's wiring, or lack thereof, allows things like that to pass.

Good catch on the license/licence thing. That will change next draft.
I did realize I was basically doing a talking head scene.
I figured that if I jazzed it up with some devices it would play okay.
The polygraph in itself becomes a character at times.
As if a third person was there confirming or denying scenarios.

There are exercise like aspects to Lie Detector.
It's a lesson for sleek tech formatting for easy readability.
I wanted to see if I could run and gun on the page with no notes, just an idea.
And to see if I could leave it open enough to be expanded into a feature OR...
truncate it a bit and make it a one set short, it could go either way.
Inserting that level of flexibility does hinder the story a bit, I admit.

Thanks for the comments!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from grademan Hey Dreamer, I liked this. Here are my comments: Amp up Peter’s character a bit. He’s a former hard ass DEA agent who quit his job because he had a conscience. Peter needs to react to the kid’s finger and wife’s ring.

Hey Gary,

I appreciate the read!
As to Peter, are you saying I kinda wimped him a bit?
Too mush husband? Not enough DEA agent?
I thought I brought him back to that with the reaction to the bomb.

Quoted from grademan Carson was a delicious bad guy, always two steps ahead, but the ending was over the top (literally) with the helicopter. I liked the way you revealed Carson’s boss and his reason for being there. But did it really take since 2005 to exact his revenge? I wasn’t clear.

Carson is a fun character for me, he's the one audiences look to.
A strong villain can "allow" your audience to be entertained at the hero's expense.
Villains are key to a fun action movie, I'm tired of dark and dreary action flicks.
So, I wanted Carson to be more of a Hans Gruber or Howard Payne type.
When villains are having fun, the audience is having fun, they are the barometer.

I indeed went over the top, literally, with a helicopter. It's a go for broke moment.
I swung for the bleachers, might as well since I'm running the bases.
Perhaps there's another way to get them out of the building.

As to the five year thing...
I took out a line about Peter's kid being five, not sure it needed it.
Given your comment, perhaps it does.
Peter killed the drug dealer's five year old kid.
So now that Peter has had five years with his son, it's time for payback.  
What do you think? Does it play better with it in?

Quoted from grademan I saw a similarity to Blade Runner’s opening interview. If you had just put in a tortoise stuck on his back in a desert, I’d have known it was on purpose. No need to explain your story and your goals before we read it, takes all the fun out of a fresh read. Good story, I can see the calm, collected Michael Westin character from Burn Notice in Peter and his take any risk side in Carson. This would make a great intro for an action adventure script. If this is what you write when you drink... pour another! Gary

Again with The Blade Runner, I feel like a dolt for not seeing it before.
Then again, if I had, I may have balked at writing the script.
I think Lie Detector is different enough that it's not derivative of Blade Runner.
Would be wild to be derivative of something I never thought of while writing!

I see your point about coming into a story fresh.
I had a comment there about not reading the previous incorrectly uploaded draft.
So I changed it to something else to let folks know I fixed my mistake.
In the future, I'll save my goals for the comments.

I am a whore for Burn Notice. It's the kind of efficient popcorn that intrigues me.
Effective popcorn is so hard, but looks effortless on the screen.
It's that kind of efficiency I wanted to capture on the page for Lie Detector.

I had hoped this opener may tease folks enough to want to see the story continue.
Be it a valued member here on SS or a producer or agent across the desk.

Thanks lots for the great input! I'll endeavor to put it to good use.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi E.D.  I haven't read any scripts for awhile, having been on hols and too busy. So thought I'd get back into it with one of yours - you have been giving a lot of reviews(all very insightful too)

I liked this! The writing was good, formatting good, no probs there. You say you were inspired by watching BN - have never seen the show so can't comment on your initial impetus.
It started like a normal interro scene - we presume that Carson is some sort of suspect, maybe just a witness. There is a distinct lack of authority and urgency about Peter, so I gathered Carson wasn't even a suspect, just in for routine questioning.

Obviously though, he is more than a traffic offender and the tone changes pretty quickly. I realise now that Peter was being cautious, fishing for info, without trying to jeopardise the bigger picture - which turns out to be his family's very lives.

Things happen very quickly now, perhaps too fast - Carson is seen to be a pretty full on killer/assasin type.
A few people commented on the ending being left hanging - I guess that can happen when you have an idea and get it written while its hot.

Its still an interesting little 'scene' and could be expanded or incorporated into a bigger project. Actually, it almost read like an OWC or something!

Cheers stevie

Quoted from Dreamscale I’m actually going to read along again and jot things down as I go.  You are such a welcome addition to the SS community, Brett, I feel like I want to go as in-depth for you as I can, time permitting.  You do a lot of reading and reviewing and it’s only right that the favors are returned. Overall thoughts – Good, clean, crisp writing and dialogue.  Well crafted story with an intriguing setup.  As you’ll read below, it didn’t really work for me overall, based on a number of issues, but I can easily see why so many like it for what it is.

Jeff,

Thanks truckloads for taking the effort to go through my work.
I admit, I was bummed when you bailed on Red Sun a while back.
But that draft was completed before I joined SS and got some great advice.
Instead of being upset about it, I went back to the drawing board with my format.
I've spent the bulk of the last few months focusing on that issue.
Lie Detector being the ultimate exercise in format economy for me to date.

Personal taste aside, I'm glad to hear I've made some progress with technical craft.
Even if it's not working for folks, I still wanted it to be a clean easy read.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page by page details - Page 1 – In a perfect world, where budgets and other film making limitations don’t exist, I think it would be far more effective to start with an EXT scene of the “skyscraper”.  You have a dialogue reference at the bottom of Page 1 about being on the 10th floor, which is good, and then on Page 2, you give us the panoramic view from the office, so production costs are thrown out the window there anyway, so to speak…why not start us off this way and give it a bigger feel and more powerful kick off?. Opening passage is awkward, IMO.  “sits in a chair”  “He is hooked…” – Neither line has much life and I think you could have started this off much more effectively.  Now that I think about it, I have a feeling that this played into my less than favorable thoughts when I first read this.  It’s just bland…stagnant.  IMO, if you start outside the building, or even with a “panoramic view” through the windows behind these two, you’d be starting in a position of power (visually) as opposed to what you chose to do, which is rather weak, IMO.

You had me at EXT. Skyscraper. This is an excellent point. Next draft, in it goes.

Quoted from Dreamscale “Peter forces a smile. He adjusts his glasses.” – IMO, this should read as, “Peter forces a smile, adjusts his glasses.” – Obviously nothing world changing here, but I think it reads cleaner, faster…better.  It’s something that is quite simple but will help your writing overall, if you take it to heart. “Carson takes a breath. He relaxes in the chair.” – Exact same thing here, Brett.  There’s just no reason to have 2 sentences here, as well as a character’s name and then “He”.  “Carson takes a breath, relaxes in his chair.”  -  Just so much cleaner and easier, IMO.

Point taken, I don't know why I feel the compulsion to start a new sentence.
Perhaps it's the grammar training from school?
Sometimes I go staccato, other times, the second sentence.
I guess I'm zeroing in on what you're suggesting above.
It does make a difference. Even though it's subtle. Good call.

Quoted from Dreamscale I don’t like Carson’s dialogue about the sandwich.  The whole thing sounds weird (and not weird like in, Hmmm, what’s he up to?  The word choice doesn’t sound real to me).  Like others, I also have to seriously question the ability of Carson to bring in literally anything to this interrogation, let alone what we know to be in the sandwich.

It's an interview, not an interrogation, but I see your point about the line.
Sometimes when we come up with something early, we get married to it.
In our minds, it becomes sacred, when in reality that's not the truth.
At the very least, the foreshadow of that should delay go away all together.

Quoted from Dreamscale “Behind Carson, a panoramic view. Beach front skyscrapers and candy cane palm trees.” – OK, Brett, check this out, as I’m a little confused (I’m not talking about the “candy can palm trees, either, but you should definitely lose that description for sure!).  We’ve had numerous shots of Carson up until now, and I’d have to assume a good number of those shots were “head shots” of him talking, etc., meaning the camera is in front of him, and we’re looking directly at him…which means that we’d also see what’s behind him…the panoramic view. See what I’m getting at?  This goes back to my initial comment and something that I say (in different ways) all the time.  IMO, a good writer sets his scene immediately.  Anything of importance (or of visual magnitude) that will obviously be seen (or come into play later), needs to be intro’d right off the bat.  You haven’t mentioned a thing about the view from the window until now, and we’re a minute into the film already.  It’s an issue, IMO.

I'll set the scene at the start, you sold me on that with your previous observation.
LoL, ok, palm trees decorated for the holiday. I tend to get fancypants sometime.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, so Carson calls Peter by name, but the next line alludes to Carson reading Peter’s lanyard and getting his name from there.  Is that right, or why are you directing us to Peter’s lanyard and name tag.  And maybe a better question, does it make sense that Federal agents would be wearing name tags while interrogating dangerous criminals?  I’m not sure personally, but this reads a bit strangely and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to make of it. At the bottom of the page, Peter says, “phone calls are not allowed during the test”  However, earlier, he told Carson that this was not a test or interrogation, but an interview.

I'll need to clarify my word choice there, thanks.
There's some scrap left here from previous drafts I need to clear up.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 3 – I have some issues that start here, so let’s address them… “Peter studies the screen.” – What screen?

It's his laptop. I thought it was mentioned earlier.
I may have edited out a description that clarified that.
Ack! Gotta fire up the grill, the natives are restless.
I'll address the rest of your detailed insights after the meat coma

Thanks for the effort Jeff!

E.D.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Whoa, Porterhouses and bourbon baked beans put me down for the count.
*cracks knuckles*
Once more into the breach!

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, so Peter tells Carson that they have his phone (which makes sense), yet they let him bring in his “pack” and didn’t even bother to check to see what’s in it.  This doesn’t compute and is a glaring error in logic for me.

It's a backpack with a sandwich and car keys.
Do you really think they would not allow that inside an office after a manual search?
To me, those items did not seem like red flags.
I agree they would hold onto communication and recording devices.
I thought concealing the appendage inside the sandwich would get past security.
Perhaps if my language was clearer on the interrogation versus interview thing...
that my go a long way for unsticking this point to folks.
I'm not totally married to the sandwich thing, but I dug it at the time.

Quoted from Dreamscale Carson’s next dialogue is odd and confusing for me.  He mentions “the lobby” and that he “knew it had to be around here somewhere”.  What is this supposed to even mean?  That his phone is in the lobby, or that the lobby is around here somewhere?

That's some seriously nitpicky grammar, but I see your point.
It doesn't do any harm to change "it" to "my phone".

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, then a few lines later, Peter asks Carson if he’s “here today to give sworn testimony”.  Now I’m confused.  At first, Carson asks if he’s being tested. Then Peter tells him it’s neither a test nor an interrogation, but actually an interview, and now it turns out that Carson is here to give sworn testimony.  Either you’re purposely hiding what’s going on, or you are unclear.  I’m definitely unclear!

I need to be clearer about the interview versus interrogation thing.
In the first draft it was more of an interrogation and I didn't eliminate all that.
There are still hints of that atmosphere I should clear up.

Quoted from Dreamscale The stuff about “the panic button” doesn’t work for me as you never set it up, nor have you even shown such a thing.  I think you need to show his finger hovering over a button, so we’re all clear on this.

Are you saying I should show the button before Carson speaks about it?
Because I do show it after Peter denies that he was reaching for it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Back to this screen again.  I guess it’s clear you’re referring to the laptop screen, but without really showing it ever, it’s confusing to me. I think you should show it early on (as in – “ON LAPTOP SCREEN” and describe what is actually on there). “Laptop webcam/mic activates.” – I don’t have a clue what this means or what we’re supposed to be seeing based on this line.

I think a mini slug and a brief description of screen graphics is called for.
To establish early on and to show the webcam being turned on.
I suppose I cheated it with the CTRL + R to cut back on description.
It could use a red light or an image of Peter on the laptop screen.

Quoted from Dreamscale The next dialogue exchange either works or doesn’t work, depending on exactly what’s actually going on here (and I don’t know, personally).  Based on Peter’s line of, “So, why are you here, then?”, it’s now very unclear what this entire situation is.  If Carson is there under his own free will, his own dialogue and questions early on don’t make sense…nor do Peter’s.  But maybe I’m missing something. Then, all of a sudden, Peter asks if his life is in danger.  I don’t get it, nor do I buy it.  Again, as in the above questions, this either makes sense or doesn’t, based on what’s actually going down, and we don’t know and never find out, but if Carson actually read Peter’s name off of his lanyard 9and therefore didn’t know him), this makes no sense now.  And for Peter to ask this question, he has to know Carson, otherwise, why in the world would his life be in danger?

The lanyard thing was Peter thinking that's how Carson knew his first name.
It's an incorrect assumption. Carson knows him because he's paid to know him.
Carson was playing the innocent type early on to gauge Peter.

Quoted from Dreamscale Now we go into the back-story of this Julio Costa and what did/didn’t happen in 2005.  Hard to really say much here, as everything is unclear and impossible to decipher, but I will say that it seems like quite a stretch that a man of Peter’s background, would go from being a DEA Agent to a Polygraph “expert”.  Not sure exactly, but I’d say mastering the Polygraph would take quite a long time.

The Costa reveal is in pieces to suggest events to be expanded upon later.
I didn't want to bog down with a lot of exposition at that point.
I did it in earlier drafts and got roasted for it.
Perhaps I could choose the details I do reveal here more carefully.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 5 – I don’t like Carson’s line about picking the tie, and there’s a typo in there as well – “you” should be “your”

The tie was on on the day in the latest draft decision.
It's not critical and may go in subsequent drafts.
Thanks for catching the typo.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 6 – OK, here’s the much discussed sandwich.  The visual is well done and clever, with the finger falling in front of the family portrait, but I still can’t quite buy into this. I personally don’t like Carson eating the sandwich after a human finger has fallen out of it, but it sure makes him out to be a nutjobwhackocrazyfuck.

What don't you buy about it? The earlier security screen thing?
What do you not like about the eating part?
I tried to incrementally turn up the action to maintain some credibility.
I didn't want to create a gritty edgy dark depressing action piece.
There's far too much of that floating around this past decade plus.
So, my plan was to do it in stages to make it more likely to suspend disbelief.
Slowly turn up the heat so to speak, to keep the audience reading.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 7 – OK, now, you’ve finally decided to show us the laptop screen…too late though.  Much like my earlier comments about the panoramic view, this also needs to be intro’d right off the bat for us to understand what’s taking place onscreen, and especially since you reference the screen several times.

I should probably do this when he's hooking up at the start. Good point.

Quoted from Dreamscale “Muted blast. Building shakes. Alarms sound off.” – This is a BIG scene here and the way you’ve written it doesn’t do it justice, IMO.  I don’t like the short, incomplete sentences, nor do I like how they’re all on the same line. I don’t like the last 2 lines of dialogue here at all.  Neither makes sense and again, I just don’t buy what I’m reading (hearing).

I am a bit guilty of conserving space at the expense of the scene there.
I don't understand what you're struggling with post bomb.
Are you referring to the line about Homeland Security?

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 8 – “A helicopter approaches.” – OK, this is obviously outside the window, and “EXT”. I don’t think it’s written correctly, nor does it read well.

My mistake. That should be referring to helicopter sounds, not a visual.

Quoted from Dreamscale Peter’s line of, “Now that my ride is here, that makes you expendable.”, doesn’t make any sense to me at all.  If you’re hinting that peter is in on something with Carson, then again, all the stuff before this doesn’t make sense, IMO.   I just don’t think this works at all here.

This is Peter threatening to "kill the messenger".
Peter is set to follow Costa's wishes, so why is Carson necessary any more.
There is no intended collusion between Carson or Peter here.

Quoted from Dreamscale Carson now says that Peter’s family is indeed in jeopardy, which belays all that he’s said before.  I understand that Carson is the kind of guy who lies and kills, etc, but in the spirit we’ve been in, I don’t think it makes sense, nor do I buy it again.

Is this in reference to the threat of the medical monitor?
I can't figure out what you're referring to here.
Clearly, my attempt at an over the top action story did not work for you.
Suspension of disbelief is subjective and not always acceptable.
I know it's a major undertaking for a short, but I wanted to try and pull it off.

Quoted from Dreamscale “Stare down. Trigger finger poised. Is he lying?” – Much like the line above I brought up, I don’t like the writing here…too staccato, incomplete sentences all on 1 line…and ending in a big old aside, which I detest. I also don’t like Carson’s dialogue that follows.  It doesn’t feel the same as what we’ve heard so far out of him.  Kind of clichéd, smart-ass action dialogue

I think I covered the space conservation and staccato thing earlier.
I squeezed it a bit much for the sake of economy.
My skills there are getting better, but sometimes I take it a bit far.
I'm still trying to fine tune that and know when to let things breathe too
Are you referring to the s*hit belt comment?
I intended that to be a smart arse action comment.
I can see why that would stick out if i failed to get you to suspend disbelief.

Quoted from Dreamscale However, I don’t like the unbelievable exit that’s about to take place, the fact that no other people/agents enter the situation (for God’s sake..a bomb has just been detonated in the lobby , multiple gunshots have gone off, the window has been shot out, and now a helicopter is hovering just outside), and finally, the completely ambiguous ending leaves us knowing absolutely nothing about what happened, why, who these 2 are, what their relationship is, and what’s going to take place now. I’m all for ambiguity in a script, especially at the end, but this is too much and feels like there really isn’t an answer, thus the sudden resolution less ending.

I touched on some of your issues here with the stated intent for the piece.
I realize it's open ended, but I was hoping to satisfy some with a scene resolution.
As if to say, "Level one complete. Continue."
That being said, if the story were to continue, that would be the first thing to happen.
Dealing with opposition as they make a dramatic exit from the room.

Seems a lot of the didn't buy sentiment comes from my failure to suspend disbelief.
I know it's a tall order, especially for a short, but I wanted to give it a go.
Set up a fun premise, with twists and turns and an upbeat villain.
I long for the days when action movies were allowed to be fun.

There's a lot of great stuff here, thanks for the effort, Jeff.
In whatever form this continues, it will be better with your suggestions.
I'm glad my action description is drawing less criticism on this script.
It's something I'm also working to improve in the new Red Sun draft.

Enjoy the weekend and have a screwdriver for me!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from RayW Howdy, Brett Dont underline your front page title. Just ALL CAP it. Left justified FADE IN:! Hoooraaaayyy!!!! Whatever.

Howdy Heir Rayness!

Huh, funny how Final Draft 8 wants to underline it.

Quoted from RayW            PETER     Smoking is not permitted in a     federal building.            (beat)     Are you nervous, Mr. Briggs?             CARSON     No. I don't think so.            (beat)     Was that part of the test? Peter forces a smile. He adjusts his glasses. Oh, yeah. Blade Runner. Big time.

It still staggers my brainpan I didn't make the connection. At all. Ever. *facepalm*
I guess at least that's why the scene doesn't feel totally derivative of that film.
When you're "in the story" it's funny how you miss glaring similarities like that.

Quoted from RayW Peter forces a smile. He adjusts his glasses. Carson takes a breath. He relaxes in the chair. Peter clears his throat. You're doing great chopping these down to minimalist action lines.

That's big coming from my overactive description brother from another mother! ^_^
Lie Detector was a big exercise in getting my format under control.
I figured tight description would be good for a pot boiler action thingy.

Quoted from RayW Behind Carson, a panoramic view. Beach front skyscrapers and candy cane palm trees "Candy cane palm trees" didn't hitch me a bit. I understood A-OK, jussss fiiine.

Ahh, so you're the one that got it. =p
Fancypantisms like that slip through occasionally.

Quoted from RayW                     PETER      Mr. Briggs, it's important that you      answer my questions with a yes or a      no response. Do you understand?                CARSON      It was just a joke.             (beat)      Yes, I understand, Peter. Peter conceals his I.D. lanyard with his blazer I like the last name/first name jockeying.

I wanted to create an uncomfortable familiarity here.
I've noticed it's something villains tend to do when they are "running the show".
Lie Detector was a lot of power shifts through dialogue.
At first, Carson seems subservient to Peter.
Then Carson goes from a nuisance to an unhinged direct threat.
When Peter tries to wrench control back, over the top action ensues.

Quoted from RayW Carson snaps his fingers.                CARSON      The lobby. I knew it had to be      around here somewhere, thanks.                    (beat)      I can't think straight when I'm      hungry. Let's split that sandwich. Carson have attention deficit? Or is this some immature attempt to screw-up the test? Later I see he's just an @ss with the upper hand.

Carson is being a tad immature here.
I'm unsure if it adds to the scene or not.
If I'm on the fence about it, probably not.

Quoted from RayW                CARSON      You are a bad liar, Mr. Morgan. For character continuity Carson needs to keep calling him by his first name, Peter, as already established. In fact, consider throwing in a little disrespect and nick it to "Pete". And if you really wanna be a funny MFer, change Pete Morgan to Richard Morgan and nick it to "Dick". And if you wanna be extra clever, have Peter/Richard Morgan's ID badge state just a first initial and last name - and Carson already knows it.

Good suggestions! I may permanently borrow one of them!

Quoted from RayW The role reverse at the top of page four is VERY interesting.                PETER      My family. Is my family safe? Carson grins.                CARSON      Now that is a good question Nice.

It's a movie trailer moment, planned from the start. Guilty.

Quoted from RayW Peter drops the sandwich. He stammers and trembles Thaaaaat's... a little melodramatic for a mature, retired DEA agent. He ain't a paper cop. Although certainly startled, he shouldn't stammer and tremble even though he realizes the gravity of the situation.

Yeah, I regret putting in that "fatherly" reaction late in this draft.
It will be modified for sure in the next incarnation of the script.

Quoted from RayW A severed finger falls from the sandwich. The small appendage lands in front of the happy family portrait. This should state straight out that it's a child's finger rather than just a finger.

I'll buy that for a dollar.

Quoted from RayW And I'm guessing wife's assumed dead since the conversation moves right along without her. Oh! I see the wife is 'presumed' alive (Carson's a devious bastard). Need to make all of this section a bit more clear.

Hmm, suggestions?
I'll take a look back through that.
I admittedly may have sacrificed some clarity to lower my page count.

Quoted from RayW Might wanna consider kidnapping the son and cutting off the wife's finger. Audiences get kinda funny about maiming or harming children. Or just kidnap the wife, cut off her finger and skip the kid entirely. There's no particular benefit to the story in this short of using the kid at all. Wife's good enough.

The story needs a kid, as it is vengeance over the death of Costa's child.
It may still seem like a self indulgence though, I'll see how it plays for others.

Quoted from RayW Also, I think a known associate of a drug manufacturer/distributor being polied in a federal building would likely have some form of security/law enforcement supervising while the test was being conducted. Just a guess, though. Bomb goes off, guard steps in, Carson uses Peter's own Glock 22 to put a round through JQLaw's skull.

If the script were to continue, outside intervention would be the next step.
There's a small reason why there's a delay in the actual script for this.
No one's caught it, so I guess it didn't work.
The date question at the beginning, it's a Sunday.
So, the office is very understaffed on the Sunday of Christmas week.

Quoted from RayW                CARSON      That would be the phone I left in      the lobby. Homeland Security tends      to frown upon unscheduled flights. Nice.

Thanks, I was surprised I caught flack for this line from a couple of folks.
I guess I failed to suspend disbelief for them to let the action flow.

Quoted from RayW Pg 8 Carson empties the clip into the polygraph and laptop. ... coupled with what appears to b e the pretense of "needing" a test in the first place make all of this kinda... odd.

Sunday, Christmas week, wife and kid are out shopping.
Dedicated Peter comes in to "work a case". He "performs an act of terrorism".
Then disappears along with his family. Looks rather suspicious.
Is it necessary, no? Many set up scenarios in action films are a bit elaborate.
I was hoping to gloss over points like that by keeping things moving fast.
Still, I can make more effort to streamline the plausibility factor here.

Quoted from RayW First - Polygraphs have leads going around the chest to measure respirations/breathing, clips to fingers to measure perspiration/sweating, a BP cuff and still more leads for the heart monitoring. There's sh!t hooked up all over the place. Not exactly conducive to going straight to hand to hand combat. Need a line in there about Carson stripping away all this sh!t just as Peter detonates the "cell phone" in the lobby. (I'll just kinda liberally apply movie magic that federal building scanners didn't pick up on that).

Good point about the leads, I can add that in the next draft.
In my mind, the phone was never scanned since they hold onto it.
But yes, somewhere in there is a little movie magic for sure. =p  

Quoted from RayW Excellent short, Brett! I really liked the movie feel of this. It's scenario construction and dialog are well above the usual nube drivel presented here. From your replies I can definitely see how this would be a good scene to market as an example. Well done.

Thanks, Ray. I wanted to take a stab at over the top action fun.
Too many action films these days are dark, dreary and depressing.
I miss the action villains that used to bring on the fun!
Speed, Die Hard, Face/Off, the villains made these movies come alive.
The best being when Albert Brooks played Homer Simpson's new boss!  

I wanted this to be a multi purpose exercise, to that end, it needs fine tuning.
But overall, I seemed to accomplish the lion's share of my goals.
I just finished the new draft of Red Sun, now with much sleeker description. =p
Now, I'm staring Valentine's Day square in the face.
I like to floss my brain with a short in between big stuff, so we'll see.

Thanks for the insightful comments.
Keep writing and rewriting and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Why isn't anyone reading the Mansour thingy?
       Maybe the title sounds a bit homoerotic? :/

Quoted from James McClung I thought the twist on the story was really interesting. Maybe you could've taken it further but I'm not saying you necessarily have to. I read this script twice and with the knowledge attained from the first read, the second allows you to pick up on a lot more.

James,

Thanks for taking the time out to read my work.
You are a solid contributor to the site and grateful for your time.
This short was designed to have some resolution, but open ended to continue.
To that end, I realize that I won't satisfy as many as I could with a real ending.
It's great to hear you picked up on more during the second read.
What did you get out of it the second read that didn't work in the first?

Quoted from James McClung So your situation is great and really makes your dialogue pop in a way that's hard to achieve. Though I'll admit once the finger and the ring got introduced, I kinda rolled my eyes. Tired of these political/terrorist thrillers with endangered families. I've read them time and time again on this site and can't say that it's starting to get grating because it's always been grating. I've just never cared for that setup. Just cliche and uninteresting, always, for me, especially when characters start throwing around photos, wedding bands, etc. Uber-meh. So overall, I'd say you put a really neat and intriguing spin on a tired setup. You made it entertaining, at least, though in hindsight, it's still not very interesting.

Ahhh, the over the top reveal didn't work for you.
Hmmm, true, those stakes get used a lot.
It happens because they are a simple primal motivator audiences relate to.
When I pitched my barber, that's the part he responded to the most.
As writers, we tend to eye roll at such things.
But my motorcycle riding barber, he's the guy that buys the DVD.
Perhaps there's a better motivator I can use in subsequent drafts.  

I'm pleased to hear you found it entertaining.
Even though this isn't really your bag you still responded to the character dynamic.
And that's the most important thing to me happening on the page.

Thanks for the read and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett, sorry for not responding sooner.

You're right.  I was a bit overly picky here.  And that's over and above how picky I usually am.  

As I said, I read your script but didn't have a chance to respond right away, so it sat in my mind for a few days, and certain things kept bugging me. When I sat down to write up my feedback, I read it over again, as I wrote, so pretty much everything that popped out at me, was put down in my notes.

It's not that I didn't like it, and it's definitely not that that it was poorly written.  IMO, it either needs more or less in terms of page length and character/story depth.  It needs to have a meaning as well as an ending.  And mostly, I feel like it needs to know what it is and stay true to that throughout the script.  I don't feel that's the way it is currently.

It's good to see all the feedback you're getting, as you deserve it.

Later.

Yo, Bro

That's big coming from my overactive description brother from another mother! ^_^
Lie Detector was a big exercise in getting my format under control.
I figured tight description would be good for a pot boiler action thingy.
You're doin' great.

Ahh, so you're the one that got it. =p
Yeah. Either I'm smart or crazy. Maybe both.

Hmm, suggestions?
Not really.
Just one of those things you curse at because it's clear as the desert sky to you but clear as LA smog to everyone else and you can't really figure out WTH's everyone's prob.
Buncha jumpin' apes are just pointing and grunting.
Bastards!

The story needs a kid, as it is vengeance over the death of Costa's child.
It may still seem like a self indulgence though, I'll see how it plays for others.
Make the kid corollary more evident rather than some "slipped in" suggestion.
Of course, you can't waggle it right in everyone's face either, so...
You know...
Expand - but then tighten it up.
(Ugh.)  

The date question at the beginning, it's a Sunday.
So, the office is very understaffed on the Sunday of Christmas week.
Totally missed both the Sunday and the Christmas thing.
I don't see a fundamental need for all that.
Just make it a regular day on the job for poor ol' Pete.

I like to floss my brain with a short in between big stuff, so we'll see.
I used to think writing shorts was a pretty stupid waste of time, but I'm wising up the benefits of how they generate both critique experience, writing speed, and develop some pretty cool tangential ideas for features. Not that I'll ever have time to actually write out a quarter of them.  


P.S. Why isn't anyone reading the Mansour thingy?
       Maybe the title sounds a bit homoerotic? :/
If I had low self esteem and wanted to be a big baby, I'd hazard a guess folks don't like me.
Otherwise, either that ugly-@ss logline scares them away, the subject does and/or the writing sucks worse than usual and everyone's being polite by not saying anything ugly.

As you can tell by both the reads and FAVORABLE comments on the WILDLY homoerotic JAN 3WC Children of Men gay man-love is NOT ANY sort of deterrent (As it shouldn't be).
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-Jan113wc/

Laughed my @ss off when I watched the first half hour of GREEN ZONE, though.
Al Mansour was at the top of one of Damon/Miller's Intel Packet pages.
"That's me! Hi! Blowing up sh!t at a traffic circle near you!"
LOL!

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Brett, sorry for not responding sooner. You're right.  I was a bit overly picky here.  And that's over and above how picky I usually am.

No worries, Jeff.

I take it as a compliment when all is said and done.
Whether it's decent writing or kharmic payback for the reads I give, it's all good.
For me, I give more detailed critiques when I feel the script deserves it.
There's a core group here that can put together a well written script.
At that point, it becomes more about story structure and other refinements.
The better the overall quality of a script, the more critical I tend to be.
I want to learn from that core group and I do so by deconstructing their scripts.
When I go at those scripts with a critical eye, I learn a lot of things for myself.
Any script I enjoy will draw a long review out of me, I can't help it.

So, when are we going to see some new pages from you, Sir?

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from RayW Yo, Bro I like to floss my brain with a short in between big stuff, so we'll see. I used to think writing shorts was a pretty stupid waste of time, but I'm wising up the benefits of how they generate both critique experience, writing speed, and develop some pretty cool tangential ideas for features. Not that I'll ever have time to actually write out a quarter of them.

Rayment of my imagination,

I'm finding writing shorts in between big projects quite helpful.
I try to shoehorn some format lessons I need to learn into them too.
Lie Detector was written on a whim after eight weeks spent on a new treatment.
And they are also a great resource for feature ideas to jump out at you.
I recently wrapped the fourth draft of Red Sun, four weeks worth of rewrites.
And gearing up for a Valentine's short has put the ink back in my pen.
Stay on that creative treadmill and go go go!

Quoted from RayW P.S. Why isn't anyone reading the Mansour thingy?        Maybe the title sounds a bit homoerotic? :/ If I had low self esteem and wanted to be a big baby, I'd hazard a guess folks don't like me. Otherwise, either that ugly-@ss logline scares them away, the subject does and/or the writing sucks worse than usual and everyone's being polite by not saying anything ugly.

Well, bring your "sick" log line over to Dr. Babz's thread for a check up! =p

Regards, E.D.

You'll see new pages from me when the Feb OWC rolls around in a couple weeks (hopefully).

I'm going through a big, difficult, and stressful move on Monday, 2/7.  Heading back to Scottsdale, AZ from Seattle.  I'll be driving a big truck and pulling my Pathfinder behind me on an auto trailer.

Things have hit the skids for me here in Seattle with my girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend.  We're calling it quits after more than 7 years.  This is breakup # 3, and it will be the final split.  So, my 2 cats and I are heading into unknown adventure.

So, I won't be around SS next week.

I agree with you that i usually write more when I feel the script deserves it.

Take care!

i enjoyed this.  I'm not really well versed in this genre, so others probably had a better time envisioning the entire scene.  Carson is pretty cut-throat, which is actually refreshing imo.

the "shit belt" line was the only one I didn't like.  Carson seemed like a cool, smart character, and that line just didnt seem clever enough for him to say.