Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey Clorox. Thanks for the read. I'm sorry there wasn't enough on the page to interest you. The laptop is hardwired into the database, hence the theft. I can make that clearer in the description. Thanks. The relationship between the two is intentionally sketchy. The director wanted me to focus more on the interplay than exposition. The reason for the Puerto Rico location is completely relevant. It's where the script is going to be filmed, the producer wanted those changes. I'd like to add more as well, but I was given a pretty firm page limit. I appreciate your comments. Regards, E.D.

Don't apologize.

Just because you say the laptop is hardwired, you have to understand that the audience is smart these days. In the first Transformers we saw the Decepticon breaking in and we believed it because of the set up. You don't have that so it fails from a motion picture point of view. Even if you did make it clearer that this guy is connected, then you have to ditch the contract part because is a secret clearance scenario, you won't have one on one for the most part. But there are times we buy it, so at the minimum, your protag can not be washed up. He can be at the top of his game. If your protag is at the top of his game, he has more to lose emotionally as far as we are concerned. Being at the bottom of the game is stock stuff. If you connect the protag to the data, he can't be washed up, period. That is easy to do. And if the protag is at the top of his game, then he can be a match for the antag. Be smarter than the rest, not the same. The banter won't carry the emotional impact that is not there. We've all heard great dialogue from great characters. What great dialogue can you remember from not so great characters?

Don't be intentionally sketchy. Remember tension is made when we know something that the antag is doing but the protag has not clue. Sketchy on the page translates into sketchy on the screen.

The interplay is good. It's the context that deflates the impact of good interplay. When I see this, I will say, so what? I have no context for my emotions to develop. That someone wants to shoot this is cool and all that but it's going to go flat without emotional connection. All the great writing and dialogue is nothing without that connection. Somehow you have to make that emotional connection here. It's there a little, I'll say that, but so little it's missed. This is a big scene without context.

So how to make context? Lots of quick shots. Establish who the protag is and why I should like him. Establish who the antag is and why I should hate him. Now when the antag takes what is nearest and dearest to the protag, I hate the antag even more. What you will find is that the data becomes meaningless to ME. What I want to see is the son saved. The reason for the antag's actions become meaningless because I am rooting for the protag to save his son.

If your page count is sacred, then you have to sacrifice the back and forth to get some quick shots. A minute can tell a whole story. Have you seen that Volkswagen commercial about the little kid in the Darth Vader suit? Yes, you can.

Quoted from cloroxmartini But there are times we buy it, so at the minimum, your protag can not be washed up. He can be at the top of his game. If your protag is at the top of his game, he has more to lose emotionally as far as we are concerned. Being at the bottom of the game is stock stuff. If you connect the protag to the data, he can't be washed up, period. That is easy to do. And if the protag is at the top of his game, then he can be a match for the antag. Be smarter than the rest, not the same. The banter won't carry the emotional impact that is not there. We've all heard great dialogue from great characters. What great dialogue can you remember from not so great characters? Don't be intentionally sketchy. Remember tension is made when we know something that the antag is doing but the protag has not clue. Sketchy on the page translates into sketchy on the screen. The interplay is good. It's the context that deflates the impact of good interplay. When I see this, I will say, so what? I have no context for my emotions to develop. That someone wants to shoot this is cool and all that but it's going to go flat without emotional connection. All the great writing and dialogue is nothing without that connection. Somehow you have to make that emotional connection here. It's there a little, I'll say that, but so little it's missed. This is a big scene without context. So how to make context? Lots of quick shots. Establish who the protag is and why I should like him. Establish who the antag is and why I should hate him. Now when the antag takes what is nearest and dearest to the protag, I hate the antag even more. What you will find is that the data becomes meaningless to ME. What I want to see is the son saved. The reason for the antag's actions become meaningless because I am rooting for the protag to save his son. If your page count is sacred, then you have to sacrifice the back and forth to get some quick shots. A minute can tell a whole story. Have you seen that Volkswagen commercial about the little kid in the Darth Vader suit? Yes, you can.

Clorox,

All valid strong insights to consider.
I may just wade in there and fire off another draft to the producer anyway.
I've got nothing to lose by taking a more visual approach to character set up.
Could add some steak to that subsequent sizzle, thanks for your genuine time.

Regards,
E.D.

How can you convey Paul's connection to his son and at the same time show something off in Paul's life? He could be picking up his kid from his ex-wife's place. Does Paul need an ex? You can decide. Being an ex is common but it can also be stock. What you want to show when Paul picks up his son is that his son RUNS to Paul and HUGS him and they share million watt smiles. This kind of scene is different than showing Paul and his son at some amusement park or similar in that an amusement park IS the source of the smiles as opposed to when Paul picks up his son from somewhere PAUL and the SON are the source of the smiles; it's their relationship we see and the joy of being together. It's all subtext without any dialogue and it's a very short shot.

How can you convey Carson? He can be in leg irons, escorted into the FBI building. Or he can be covered up by a jacket as he is hauled out of a car and cameras can be flashing. All that conveys he is a crook of some kind. You can think of something else, but those are the stock ways.  I know in your version he's an everyday guy who TURNS out to be bad, but somehow you need to put him in a bad light already so when he's hooked up to the lie detector I have a reason to believe it. Maybe a headline with Carson's picture and the next time we see him he's hooked up to the machine? Maybe Paul reads the paper when we see the headline? All kinds of options, you see; all fun to develop.

How to connect Paul and Carson? An object. Something we see. A badge? A diamond lapel pin? The jacket that Carson wears? The idea is just floating around in my head, but the object will be something that Paul sees when he meets up with Carson and it will kick off the dialogue. Where did you get that? NOT "what is that?" "Where..." implies subtext that Paul knows what the object represents and that Carson knows it, too. Maybe Paul sees the object but can't place it right away. Build suspense. Now the two are connected and WE know it without dialogue. You lose a ton of exposition with the correct prop. Maybe it's a unique object shared between Paul and his son...maybe there are two objects; one that ties Paul to Carson and at the proper time Carson reveals the object that Paul shares with his son. Oooh, we know that Carson has Paul's son before Carson turns on the video. Suspense.

Go deeper and you'll find all kinds of cool little ways to make this shine within your page limit.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Go deeper and you'll find all kinds of cool little ways to make this shine within your page limit.

Clorox,

Super suggestions, inspirational too.
Thanks for putting this much effort into revising my work.
You've given me a lot to think about.
I'll definitely take another stab at this.
Hopefully the producer will be open to more changes.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I seldom reread scripts...except for Phil's scripts. He's the only one that will ask for two or even three rereads.

Hey Pia!

Thanks for taking another look at this.
I ask for more reads from you, because you give good notes.
I want to keep learning and get better and better, best way I know how.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I have not read my first comments on this script. I remember there used to be a helicopter in there somewhere.  I can understand that being taken away due to budget.

Yup, didn't need it and it costs money to simulate a helicopter.
When you get that budget, suddenly, I find myself getting frugal.
I'm sure you can relate on a much bigger scale than I can.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I noticed bert mentioning the "return to scene" thing. IMHO, you don't need to write that at all since technically we never left "the scene". The focus has only shifted to an item in the scene. Therefore it's sufficent to just write on a new line "The polygraph screen shows wavelengths dip and shimmy. And then when you "return to scene" you just go on with a new line. No biggie though and I doubt your director cares. I just thought I'd mention it.

I think you're right, it's a format carry over from previous scripts.
It's funny the little quirks we adopt and don't see when we should modify them.

Quoted from Grandma Bear As far as the script goes I think it's good. My only concern with it would be 9 pages of mostly dialogue. Unless acted and edited perfectly, that might seem really loooong on screen.

I agree with you, the director and I discussed long shots to heighten tension.
Also why I added the hourglass, gives us things to cut to and a ticking clock.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Bert pointed out some of the other things that I wondered about too.  Especially Carson unhooking himself and then Paul still being able to read the polygraph. Another one that stood out for me was the ending. It happened way too fast. How did Paul get over to his son that fast? I mean Carson was still there, right? Good luck with this and I hope we will get to see it some day.

Yeah, I think I blew that sequence a tad.
I wanted to show him preparing to release himself.
I'll have to rework that or make it Carson unhooking something not critical.
I can figure that one out.
I'm pretty sure I established the warehouse is across the street.
I could be wrong, I may have only written it in my mind.
Thanks, I'll check on those.

Speaking of reads, I'd like an opinion on the new Zombie Playground draft.
I made a lot of changes upfront, scene and character swaps, etc.
Would you at least give the first 10 to 15 pages a read?
Most of the changes are in the first and third act. More peril, comedy, etc.
I even changed the milf joke again!

So what have you been up to?
Hammering away on a production or taking a break?
Gimme sumthin to read, it's been a while since I returned the gesture.
Have a great Labor Day weekend, if I don't hear from you.

Regards,
Brett

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Speaking of reads, I'd like an opinion on the new Zombie Playground draft. I made a lot of changes upfront, scene and character swaps, etc. Would you at least give the first 10 to 15 pages a read? Most of the changes are in the first and third act. More peril, comedy, etc. I even changed the milf joke again! So what have you been up to? Hammering away on a production or taking a break? Gimme sumthin to read, it's been a while since I returned the gesture. Have a great Labor Day weekend, if I don't hear from you. Regards, Brett

Brett,

I really want to see this one when finished. Hope you'll push for an online viewing like a pw protected Vimeo vid where no one can download it...

To be honest, we've been really really busy at work. Our best month ever actually and I'm talking 20 years in business. That's pretty remarkable considering the economy. So yes, my mind has been elsewhere.

I need to start working on FK again in September. One issue is one of the 3 partners had to close his business due to the economy and he has sold off his equipment. I don't blame him, but it makes it extra difficult for me because I'm not sure I can fund this all by myself. My other partner is 100% there and has Hollywood production experience, but he has no funds to offer up. Just a LOT of knowledge and BIG contacts. We'll see how that turns out.

I've also been trying to get everyone back together to finish the Old Wounds short, but it's hard to get everyone to agree on a time. I've also been told that little trailer of horrors is even worse shape now.

I wrote some eps for the web series Seriously Wounded, but I think they were annoyed by me for not taking it as seriously as they wanted. I'm sorry, but I don't take writing for free that seriously anymore...

I'll give ZP a look again, but I have a couple of things to read first. A bunch of MP scripts and Janet's Transgate.

Cheers, speak soon.  

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley In spite of my own revisions, I said I'd get to your update sooner or later, and here I am. First, congrats on getting this picked up for filming. Hopefully we will see the result some day soon. From what I recall from my previous comments way  back (I didn't revisit them) I noted the action fight near the end was a bit better. I could have liked a little more white in between the COMPUTER SCREENS/MONITORS and the BACK TO SCENES but that's just a nitpick. Out of curiosity, why the location change? Are the filmmakers based near San Juan?

Hey Darren,

Much thanks for taking another look at this.
Apologies for the late reply, life's been eventful as of late.
I'm looking at reworking the computer visuals for the producer.
The script is set in Puerto Rico, because the company requested it.
Burning Phoenix Films have their corporate offices in San Juan.
I believe they intend to shoot the script in Spanish and English.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from bert I am not sure about the mechanics of your polygraph machine and the Truth or Lie readout it generates.  I understand why the clarity of such an approach is useful in this scenario, but perhaps a simple pattern of red and green lights may produce the same effect without stretching credibility so far.  Just a thought.

Bert!

Many apologies for the belated reply.
I agree with your suggestion here.
At the time, I wanted it to be super obvious.
But it doesn't quite track with reality.
The producer is shooting a feature right now, I'm sure we'll revisit this. Thanks.

Quoted from bert For a small niggle, I notice you make use of RETURN TO SCENE in several instances.  I am pretty sure that BACK TO SCENE is more conventional, though it probably matters very little.

I think I use that too much in general.
Damn those computer screens in scripts!

Quoted from bert You need a bit more dialogue at the bottom of page 7.  Once Carson explains to Paul that his ordeal is nearly over, it seems that Paul should be asking about his son at this point.  Wouldn't anybody do that?

Yeah, I could totally add a beat there about the kid in that line. True that.

Quoted from bert Small continuity problem on page 8.  You have Carson unhooking himself from the polygraph, but moments later Paul looks to the machine to find out if Carson is lying.

Yeah that line that ends with "almost there" should be gone. My bad.

Quoted from bert Why does Carson shoot the desk full of holes?  That seems weird.

Because I had the money in the budget!
It's a "relic" from the old draft I suppose I could do away with.
And I like the new ending, but it is a bit awkward in that it happens so rapidly.

Quoted from bert We never see Paul leave -- and there should be at least some indication of a little time passing.  Perhaps a silent pan around the office, lingering on a few choice details -- the sandwich, Carson's smoldering cigarette butt, or water dripping from the wheezing AC unit.  Then, finally, settling on the laptop screen.  And I would have the hourglass in the same frame, so you can show the reunion and the sand running out simultaneously instead of cutting from one to the other. I would say this is improved, and certainly stripped down while still maintaining most of what made this work in the first place.   Best of luck with it while navigating the production machinery.

Paul does exit, but I didn't give that description its own line.
At the time, I needed that line to make nine pages, now I don't.
I'll put it back where it should be, good catch all the same.

Thanks for the read. I'll poke you about a ZP revisiting soon!
At least the first act, that's where I did mucho work, third one too!

Keep on keeping on!
Regards,
E.D.

Brett, glad I just saw your post pop up cause I wanted to mention something to you that may be helpful with your final draft here.

I watched a movie on Netflix streaming over the weekend, called "Deceiver".  It's not a great movie, but it definitely has its moments and has a great cast with pretty strong performances, even.

The main plot revolves around the use of a lie detector machine, and I bet watching it could give you some good ideas of what works and what doesn't.  The machine, it's use,a dn its results are very prevalent throughout the entire movie.  It seems very realistic with the details of the machine's use, too, which should definitely help.

Just a thought...

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett, glad I just saw your post pop up cause I wanted to mention something to you that may be helpful with your final draft here. I watched a movie on Netflix streaming over the weekend, called "Deceiver".  It's not a great movie, but it definitely has its moments and has a great cast with pretty strong performances, even. The main plot revolves around the use of a lie detector machine, and I bet watching it could give you some good ideas of what works and what doesn't.  The machine, it's use,a dn its results are very prevalent throughout the entire movie.  It seems very realistic with the details of the machine's use, too, which should definitely help. Just a thought...

Watched Deceiver. Interesting. While it tried to have some decent thriller elements and wove an intricate plot, I think what failed is that there was really no "good" guy; they were all bad (said Harry Tasker), so nobody won.

The lie detector part was worth relating to as far ED's story here.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, I really want to see this one when finished. Hope you'll push for an online viewing like a pw protected Vimeo vid where no one can download it...

Hey Pia!

I most certainly will push for release, they did so with their debut.
Since it's a Puerto Rican production, I hope that won't be an issue.

Quoted from Grandma Bear To be honest, we've been really really busy at work. Our best month ever actually and I'm talking 20 years in business. That's pretty remarkable considering the economy. So yes, my mind has been elsewhere.

Yay, for business! It's a good kind of busy!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I need to start working on FK again in September. One issue is one of the 3 partners had to close his business due to the economy and he has sold off his equipment. I don't blame him, but it makes it extra difficult for me because I'm not sure I can fund this all by myself. My other partner is 100% there and has Hollywood production experience, but he has no funds to offer up. Just a LOT of knowledge and BIG contacts. We'll see how that turns out. I've also been trying to get everyone back together to finish the Old Wounds short, but it's hard to get everyone to agree on a time. I've also been told that little trailer of horrors is even worse shape now.

You are relentless, I know you'll pull it together.
I have family in south FL, when I visit, perhaps I should harass you and Guinness!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I wrote some eps for the web series Seriously Wounded, but I think they were annoyed by me for not taking it as seriously as they wanted. I'm sorry, but I don't take writing for free that seriously anymore...

I hear you there, I do free stuff if one or both of these conditions apply:

1) I'm learning vital stuff about the industry while I do the free work.
2) It's for someone with legit connections genuinely interested in mutual benefit.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'll give ZP a look again, but I have a couple of things to read first. A bunch of MP scripts and Janet's Transgate. Cheers, speak soon.

Based on Janet's and Ryan's read, I'll be uploading a new draft this week.
Some mini tweaks here and there, but lots of changes since you last looked at it.
These rereads are gold, thanks a ton for putting me back into your queue.

Keep those hurricanes away and get writing!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett, glad I just saw your post pop up cause I wanted to mention something to you that may be helpful with your final draft here. I watched a movie on Netflix streaming over the weekend, called "Deceiver".  It's not a great movie, but it definitely has its moments and has a great cast with pretty strong performances, even. The main plot revolves around the use of a lie detector machine, and I bet watching it could give you some good ideas of what works and what doesn't.  The machine, it's use,a dn its results are very prevalent throughout the entire movie.  It seems very realistic with the details of the machine's use, too, which should definitely help. Just a thought...

Quoted from cloroxmartini The lie detector part was worth relating to as far ED's story here.

Thanks for the great tip, guys!
I haven't seen the film since its VHS release.
Great catch, appreciate you two looking out for me.
I'll watch the film and report back!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Brett, glad I just saw your post pop up cause I wanted to mention something to you that may be helpful with your final draft here. I watched a movie on Netflix streaming over the weekend, called "Deceiver".  It's not a great movie, but it definitely has its moments and has a great cast with pretty strong performances, even. The main plot revolves around the use of a lie detector machine, and I bet watching it could give you some good ideas of what works and what doesn't.  The machine, it's use,a dn its results are very prevalent throughout the entire movie.  It seems very realistic with the details of the machine's use, too, which should definitely help. Just a thought...

Quoted from cloroxmartini The lie detector part was worth relating to as far ED's story here.

I checked out "Deceiver" last night.
There's some great visual cues in the first act of the film.
Neat little notes and beats I can use in the script.

A very talky film, I barely remembered seeing it in theaters when it came out.
At times, it seemed more like a play, than a movie. Solid cast though.
So weird seeing Gordon Parks playing a straight laced doctor.
I kept waiting for him to "freak out" or something.

Thanks to you both for pointing me towards the film.  

Regards,
E.D.

***Production Update***

Burning Phoenix Films is delaying the Lie Detector production until February 2012.
However, it's happy circumstances that have brought on the delay.

Federico Torres got unexpected local funding for a feature!
So, he's focusing on that now and wrapping up the shoot next month.

A NYU film grad student sent a Letter of Intent to option Lie Detector.
However, they want exclusive rights for the festival circuit.
Unless he would agree to a U.S. only clause, it may not work out.

Burning Phoenix is only interested in showing the film in Europe and South America.
So, perhaps I can get both groups to produce the script.

That's all that's fit to print right now!

Regards,
E.D.

Great idea for a short, I really enjoyed it