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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Buckets of Blood Moderators: bert
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  Author    Buckets of Blood  (currently 8127 views)
Don
Posted: May 25th, 2007, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Buckets of Blood by Sean Elwood, James McClung, Pia, Jordan Wiebe - Short, Horror - Four tales of horror all in one gruesome package.  Ninjas, vampires, the living dead, a vengeful spirit, and a cannibalistic sexual predator.  Four times the thrills, four times the terror, get ready for Buckets of blood. 119 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Zack
Posted: May 25th, 2007, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*

I just finished Dark Side of Man and oh my god! This was twisted. I only have two complaints, so let's get those out of the way.

1. Once Bobboy gets free he takes his time to put his pants on before he saved Ally. This struck me as a bit odd and unrealistic.

2. The ending with the two college guys felt thrown together. Their dialog wasn't very believable. You should have stayed with Bobby and Ally.

Now that the bad's out of the way, lets get to the good. I loved Jerry's story about Deiter and his sick fetish with reverse cannabilism. That was creepy and original. I also thought the way Bobby escaped was cool. I'm glad Bobby and Ally got away in the end, it made me feel good. Overall, I'd say this was a great script! Nice job!

9 out of 10



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Zack  -  May 25th, 2007, 6:38pm
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Zombie Sean
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Okay, well, just so you guys know (and because Pia deleted her post due to technical deals between the four writers), Jordan wanted the authors of the scripts to be secret. It's like the OWC, except we give you the author names, and you have to guess who wrote what.

I hope you guys enjoy all four scripts and I want to thank Don for getting these up.

Sean


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Zack
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Thanks for taking the authors name out of my review, Bert. I wouldn't have put that persons name in there had I known I wasn't supposed to.


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Gaara
Posted: May 25th, 2007, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Pleasure Pain

First I will give my own little "cute review"

This was a really fun read involving two of the best things out there...Ninja's and Vampires.  To me it was a decent mix of a generic Ninja movie and From Dusk til Dawn, which can only be a good thing in my eyes.

Now for a proper review

Like I said it is a fun little story with quite an intriguing (if quite cliched) premise.

The formatting was pretty much spot on, although there was one part where a bit of dialogue was formatted as action, Page 7 I think it was on.

The action itself was well written. Some people might say that it was over written. Personally prefer it this way because it helps me to visualise what is going on much easier.

Dialogue was suitably corny. I'm sorry if the dialogue was supposed to be serious but it came across as corny to me.  Don't get me wrong that is not a bad thing...in fact in this case it was a great thing because it really pulled me into the story.


Quoted Text
A whiff of my bouquet?


You can't tell me that wasn't supposed to be as corny as it sounds.

As for the ending

*******SPOILER ALERT******SPOILER ALERT**********

I admit I sort of saw it coming.  Actually I thought either the Emperor would honor his promise and let them leave...or he would be working with the Vampires.  I'm glad you went with the latter because it made for a great end to a great short.

So where does this leave the brothers? Will they be able to overcome the guards and escape or will this be the end of them?

I for one would love to see this idea expanded into a series (or mini-series) showing the brothers getting into life and death struggles with other supernatural forces, such as a demon, werewolves...Tengu's even http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tengu.





check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Death Monkey
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I just finished Pleasure Pain as well.

A pretty good and fast read. there were two scenes in particular I thought were just brilliant. First the opener; the "Goregasm"-scene as I've coined it. My jaw dropped. It was so cool. So manga. So wonderfully cartoonish in its violence. the second one was the sheathed dagger in the one vampire's...uhm...vertical smile. It's was just so corny and tongue-in cheek. I couldn't help but smile for the next page or two.

The action was very good, even if a bit repetitive at times. But a lot a creativity went into the dispatching of the vamps.

I did feel the script had trouble focusing its humor. Sometimes it was in the grindhouse over-the-top gore humor in using clichťs and cornball dialogue, but when the ninjas were travelling to the brothel it was almost the three stooges screwball comedy. That was a bit confusing for the the tone of the script, I thought.

I can't say when I get around to reading the last three. But I will at some point.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
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James McClung
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I was actually wondering what was going to happen to the names when I saw the final copy and none of them showed up. I have to say I dig the secrecy. I'd be interested to see what people's guesses are.

Also, just thought I'd mention to these guys that the revised scripts read much better this time around. Top notch. This was the way they were meant to be IMO.

Anyway, as the title suggests, there's no shortage of blood and guts here. I really think each script pushes the envelope to the breaking point. Hope everyone enjoys them.


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greg
Posted: May 25th, 2007, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

I was originally going to just read one and save the others for later, but I couldn't put this down because I wanted to see what you guys would crank out next.  So, I guess I'll say a few words on each piece and then sum up my thoughts afterward.

Note: There were about six instances throughout the script where the dialogue was spaced beyond belief.  This happened once with me when I put my Word document script through Final Draft and it had some spacing errors that needed to be fixed.

PLEASURE PAIN

This was more of the action/adventure piece of the bunch.  Honestly, I had problems getting through this script amidst all of the action.  After finishing the script, however, I think this was a good piece to start out with.  

As I said, when everyone was fighting one another, I just got aggravated because I just got lost in it all.  When the distilling room was introduced, I was thinking "awesome!"  Very well described and gruesome and all of that tastey stuff, but it was more for scenery.  I think it would have been cool to see someone get the crap beaten out of them as the dead hanging bodies did.  

Clever ending to reveal the agreement between the Emperor and the vampires, though I think it would have been better to keep the Emperor as a human, or at least an immortal human.  Changing into the vampire just kind of blah'd me.  

Overall, though, there was cool scenery and lots of style!  Liked the brotherhood you established with our main guys you made this a very stylish piece.  It wasn't the action mayhem that bugged me, don't get me wrong, but rather the way some of it was written where it seemed to drag and that's what I got lost in.  Probaby Matter over Mind here...or something.

Oh yeah, Saki, not sake!  Be careful when you drink that stuff, too.  It's frickin' potent!


THE DEAD AND THE DEADER

This was my favorite one because it was so ruthless and made me cringe at a couple parts, like when Harlan cut the prostitute between her legs, and especially where he stomped on Elizabeth's stomach to get the fetus out.  I was like whooooa!!!  The grindhouse theme is really exemplified well here because there are no stops, there is no room to breath, and the violence in this one is unheard of and freakin' hardcore.

The problem I had, though, was Harlan.  I wanted to like him as the bad guy, but there was no reason to appreciate why he was such an ass.  From the get-go he's slicing people up and ripping fetuses out and raping little girls, but there's no character  rounding or anything.  With Elizabeth, we know why she wants to run away with Marcel.  Harlan, though, is evil seemingly just because.  Don't get me wrong, I liked him for what he was, but I think he could be deeper, which would make the hate for him even greater.

Sheriff Johnson was pointless.  Complete wimp, doesn't do much.  I think it would have been better to just have him and Harlan duel it out when we first see them and end his life right there.  Would have also given some background to Harlan.  And what was up with the bayou scene?  Orgies and animal sacrifices, but I didn't see where that tied in.  Was it some kind of spiritual thing tying into Marcel and his mother and the fetus coming back?

Overall, I liked this one alot.  The imagery was haunting, the story was relentless, and it even had a happy ending given the circumstances.


TWITCH

This piece had the best character development IMO.  It had the most complex story of the four an there was more involved in it.  Emily has a clear motive to be a bitch, and you can easily see her relationships with family members and other people.  Does she hate Ray because he was so quick to move in on their mom after their dad was out of the picture?  At first when Emily said "he was a bastard as an uncle!" I thought INCEST DUDE!!! But then I saw the way you described it and saw the implination that it was her father's brother.  

Building a pool in December?  Kind of odd, but given how desperate Heather and Ray are to be affectionate to Emily, I can buy it.

Some of the murder scenes were great, such as Michael killing Jessica(it's fun to review grindhouse scripts, because I'm describing murders as "great") and Riley's killing in the beginning.  Haley's death, for example, just eh'd me.  I liked the build-up to it, but I think the actual death could have been a little more swift.  Just stick that glass through that sucker!

"You have the blood of the man who killed me.  Those with the blood of him their souls I'll take" was a fantastic, chilling line to close out with.  This is revenge at its harshest; she takes out the entire family of the guy years after the fact.  Not bad at all.

Overall it was really a half-half read for me.  Half of it had blood and guts, the other half was a drama.  At times it was calm, then abruptly went into killing.  As I said before, though, great development and a chilling tale.


THE DARK SIDE OF MAN

This one is the dark side of internet videos.  Interesting concept.  You have Jerry come off as a Dahmer-type creep, and what's so bizarre about it is that he has a family!  That got me into his character because it's not like he's some loser out on the street.  He's got a wife and kids and he's doing these weird things and whatnot.  Lots of body parts here haha.  Should of had Jerry take a nice bite out of that Liver!  Tastey!  

Bobby's hopping over to the furnace in a chair...wouldn't Jerry hear this?  I know he's drunk, but...

The line "you fucking kid!" had me cracking up.  I guess I pictured Jerry holding all of his organs coming out of this huge wound and he's yelling at Bobby haha.  It's just funny, I like it!  

The ending to this one was great, too.  Great way to end the whole grindhouse, actually.  118 pages of blood and guts and then you got two guys saying the Jerry video looked cool because it seemed real.  Awesome.

Overall this story read fast.  A steady buildup all the way to the messy climax.  


So, each story definitely had some out-of-sight gore, sex, violence, language, taking-names-and-kicking-ass elements.  Since I knew there would be alot of that stuff, this thing read fast.  Each story was distinctly different from the others and it was quite entertaining.

As I said before, some characters in different places I think should have been more developed, of course I don't know if that's the point to the whole grindhouse theme.  I never saw the film because I think Tarantino is a dork.

If I had to pick who wrote what, I'd guess:
Pleasure Pain - Sean
The Dead and the Deader - Jordan
Twitch - James
The Dark Side of Man - Pia

I think Sean and James could be changed...not sure.

So, I enjoyed this read.  It was delicious!  Good job, gang!



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TAnthony
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Pleasure Pain

Your strong point is definitely the action lines. Easily, some of the best Iíve ever read. It doesnít read like, ďJack slashes the vampireÖĒ You go into great detail which is refreshing to many readers, because that alone is something a lot of writers donít bother to do. Excellent, excellent, excellent job on that. Good way to kick off the story, reminds me of the beginning of Basic Instinct. And the whores are just disgusting. I mean they really are some nasty ass creatures.

Your dialogue and story I think are tied for the weakest part of your writing. I canít talk too much, because I suck at dialogue, but the dialogue in the story sometimes came off so cheesy I was wincing. An example on Page 24, Ichiro: ďSilence! We are not done for! Not as long as we have each other!...Ē That passage of dialogue is one of the corniest Iíve read in a while.

I quickly realized that this story wasnít exactly going to be the most serious of ones and not your typical horror. This story is very original, but I think you should take the story to a tad bit more serious route. On page 6 it felt kind of lame when the brothers were getting the feel of the weapons again and then they, ďfreeze in defensive stances.Ē Felt like something from a video game. I understand that was the style, but it didnít work for me. I used to play Mortal Kombat a few years back whenever I was at my cousinís house, and Iím pretty sure you paid some kind of homage on page 23, ďGet over here.Ē I canít remember which fighter dude that was.

Pleasure Pain was fun, but it got a little tiresome. From page 14 to 29, it was a long fight sequence, that I felt over stayed itís welcome. But, still good work.

This oneís got to belong to James McClung. Descriptive style, and I think I recognize some of the Japanese names in Black Market.

Dead and Deader

I was so shocked once I finished reading this. I mean wow. Wow. This short was actually a little scary. Iím not joking when I say this -- the character Harlan could possibly be one of the scariest characters Iíve ever read, or watched on television, or seen at the movies. This guy is at the top of my bad guy list in all of fiction. Forget Darth Vader, or Hannibal Lecter. Harlan is the scariest villain of them all.

The only complaint I really have is Sheriff Johnson. Was he needed in the script? His little bit with Harlan in the bar was a good scene, but to me it seemed like he was just thrown in there to have another kill. The scene with him and his daughter was unneeded and came at the wrong time I think. And I didnít understand why Marcel killed him. He says, ďI warned you.Ē Or something, but with the death of Sheriff Johnson, Marcel looks like a bad guy, and I think itíd be in your best interest for him to look good.

I donít read too many shorts at all, but this is the best one Iíve ever read. It is damn near perfect, itís hard for me to find much to complain about at all. Harlan is as sick as it gets and he really makes the story.

Gruesome, bloody, nasty, truly horrific, and just kind of wrong. This has got to be the work of theboywhocouldfly.

Twitch

This was decent, a little trite, but still a good ghost story. The only real problem I had with this is that it didnít bring much of anything new to the table when it comes to ghost stories. We see a lot of the same things in other movies.

The story was okay, but you really need to work on your action lines and your dialogue. The dialogue really came off as stale sometimes and a tad bit forced. The characters would talk on and on and there are a lot of incidents where it could easily be condensed. Your characters were all pretty good, but I think they were held back a little by the parts with bad dialogue.

To make your action lines more effective, you need to cut them up at the right parts. Space them apart to make the action easier to read and make it feel like itís going by really fast. Especially with Rayís death scene. That could have read a lot better.

Why doesnít Riley immediately get out of the theatre when he sees the creature in the beginning? Instead of going to pick up the broom and dustpan and checking under seats for a little girl he should have busted out of there.

Gotta be Seanís.

The Dark Side of Man

This was really great. I love how it starts off. This was a great idea and I think you pulled it off pretty good.

Jerry was a seriously creepy bad guy, but I think he should be a little scarier. Somethingís holding him back. Iím not sure what it is, but heís missing something. Maybe heís too stereotypical for a pervert.

You might know this, or the story may have been inspired by it, but this very same thing happened in real life. The way Jerry describes killing Dieter was damn near exact to a story a friend told me.

Another thing that stuck out as kind of odd is that Bobby puts his pants on before helping Ally out. I think that should be changed. Maybe you were trying to show what kind of a guy Bobby is, but Iím not sure.

And you ended this one perfectly. I just have one question, who put the video on the internet? Did Jerry actually survive?

I think this is Piaís. Never read anything by her, but I think I know the others.

Buckets of Blood
was a fun read and I enjoyed how each story was completely different from the others and spanned countries and time periods. All four were VERY imaginative so good job to all involved.

Good Luck!

EDIT: I forgot to ask, what was the theme? "It sucks to get raped?" I couldn't really find one.


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The boy who could fly
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Thanks for the reads everyone.  This was a lot of fun to write, and it turned out pretty good, everyone wrote a different type of story which is good.

There was no theme really, just to see how dark and twisted one could go, and i think they are all pretty gruesome, some more than others.

thanks again.


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Zack
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*SPOILERS*

Dead and Deader is brutally effective. Harlan is one of the most evil characters imaginable! The scene where Harlan cuts the prostitute made me cring! My only complaint with this great script is that you killed off the sheriff! Why did he die? He didn't do anything wrong? I normally not into the whole voodoo thing, but I don't think this script would have been good without it. Great job!

9 out of 10


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tomson
Posted: May 26th, 2007, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Since it seems I've already been pinned to have written Dark Side of Man I have put a link to a .pdf file of that script in my sig. Somehow the format got a little different in the transfer. Not Jordan's fault, but mine.

Also want to thank those of you who have read the scripts so far and I'll get busy reading in return.

As far as the sicko stuff with Dieter and Jerry goes, you are correct. It is pretty close to something that happened in real life in Germany and it pretty much sums up what I tried to do here. Jordan said we were supposed to write some really sick stuff and I was okay with that obviously, but I also wanted it to be something that people would think could actually happen or is perhaps happening right now as I type. To me, the only really scary monsters are humans and the inhumanity towards each other we are capable of. It was also me wondering where the hell we are heading as a society.

Anyways, thanks for reading.
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alffy
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I just finished reading Pleasure Pain, so here are my thoughts...

The beginning was a little slow, what with all the walking and chatting and some of the dialogue here between the brothers could have been better.

Once they reached the brothel though it picked up.  Saburo and the prostitute scene was great, the way you describe her removing the dagger was excellent.

You describe the action really well and it kept my interest with ease.

'She breaths in raspy wheezes' - I love this line.

This is very blood thirsty - just the way I like it lol.  The deaths of the vampires are great.

When Jiro says 'I see you can take a lot of wood....'  Dynamite line if intended as a pun on her being a prositute.

The ending was a nice little twist that I didn't pick up on.

I really enjoyed this.  I think the dailogue between the brothers was the only thing I had problems with, I feel at times it could have been better.  The action was very well described and the deaths of the vampires was varied.  The beginning was a little slow as I already mentioned but I know this is where the story unfolds.

If the brothers were so good at stealth and killing how did they get captured in the first place?  I liked the way you describe them as been theie own worst enemies though.

This was good and so i'll continue with the other shorts that make up this compilation.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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spencerforhire
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Hi Pia

These are the stories I love. Would really love to write some stories like these. Tried some super shorts but no luck. Maybe they are just to dark. I even had my wife call the cops on me one time because of a story I wrote. Wow!

I liked your story. And you know what I am going to say...

Your descriptions are too long. Then I thought about it... and after reading loads of shooting scripts, your script reads just like one of those. Then I thought, you know what, Pia strikes me as a capable writer and capable director. Your director is seeping into your writing and I think that is a good thing. Even with the long descriptions you paint some great emotional imagery.

Here is line I really liked, "his teeth sound like maracas." That was a great image for me. So, even with lengthy descriptions, I think those descriptions work.

One other thing. When you lift Ally up by the four foot bar and handcuffs, I think she would be wrything in pain. Even telling her to stop would not cause her to stop. The pain would take over and drive her uncontrolled action. Go ahead and let her scream out in God aweful pain and charge her up with the electricity. You could even make a joke about heating up the meat for great meal.

While reading I thought of Hostel and Saw. Great job Pia. I really did enjoy it.

Spencer


I got nothing.  

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The boy who could fly
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It my fault for the format screw up .  I cut and pasted these together from different formats so it may have gotten a little wonky. I'm working on gettin it right though.  Sorry about the glitch.

Anyways thanks for the read peoples.


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